General Life Advice For Others

I’d like to start a thread that offers others little secrets to making life easier for others…

I’ll start.

  1. Know makes and models of cars – you’d be surprised how helpful this could be in a myriad of situations.

Could you name such a situation? Or two? I’ve been alive for 48 1/2 years and it’s never, ever come up. I don’t expect it to ever come up. But I’d be real interested to hear why you think it’s important.

  1. Get into a car accident and the other person takes off.
  2. Witness a kidnapping.
  3. Witness a robbery of some sort and the perpetrators flee in a getaway car.
  4. Witness a drunk driver and have sufficient information when calling police.

Just a few – I’ve experienced 1, 3 and 4.

I had much the same reaction.

Worrying about doing something is 10 times worse than actually doing it.

“If you don’t want people to think you’re a degenerate n00b, don’t act like a degenerate n00b.”

I wish more people took this to heart; too many individuals act surprised when their rudeness or thoughtlessness fails to get them what they want.

Understand compound interest.

Be polite to the people you love.

The secret to negotiating relationships can be answered with three simple points:

  1. Speak up.

  2. Shut up.

  3. Learn when to do which.

Ignoring it will not make it go away.

Lighten up, people.

Don’t try to carry your mail and two grocery bags and and a new suit and a take-and-bake pizza and and a six-pack of beer all at once. I just learned this one today.

Don’t make things more complicated than they already are.

Frank,not with one hand,anyway.

If you’ve been awake for twenty hours after just three hours sleep and someone offers you sex, do not decide it would be a good idea to take an hour over the foreplay. It really isn’t.

Not true. I almost never balance my checkbook and you’d be surprised how often I go broke.

The Notebooks of Lazarus-Long are far better than anything in the Old Testament as practical advice to live by, but the ones I learned the truth of the most in my life are-

Pay cash or do without

Never appeal to a man’s “better nature.” He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.

and

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. All other sins are invented nonsense. (Hurting yourself is not sinful–just stupid.)

-Certainly not original to me but it’s good advice so I’ll pass it along: “Anytime somebody offers you a breath mint, take it.” (They might be trying to politely tell you something.)

My non Lazarus/non etiquette bromide advice would be:

-Buy three things if you’re going to own and drive a car: a battery charger, a set of jumper cables, and a hydraulic jack. You’ll thank me if you ever have to use any one of these things.

-Always make note of where the exits are to a room upon entering.

-Sometimes it’s best to just smile and nod until the other person goes away.

-Never loan money you can’t afford to not have repaid, and always get the IOU in writing and signed- even if it’s your closest friend.

-For all college students: forget about the dean, forget about the professors, forget about the administrators- MAKE FRIENDS WITH YOUR DEPARTMENT’S SECRETARIES. If you ever positively absolutely HAVE to cut through red tape and get something done overnight, they’re the ones who can make it happen. (I have a theory that they’re a secret priestesshood that dates back to at least Ur.) Know their names, know their interests, if they ever do you a favor bring them a gift (nothing too big but something you know they’ll like). $5 for a copy of The Neon Bible for a secretary who said she wanted to read it but couldn’t find a copy and it was then out of print, plus another $4 for a card with a tiny handwoven Persian rug, wrapped in red tape for her to cut through instead of wrapping paper- THAT was the best $9 I ever spent in my career as a student because from then on if I needed help she’d give it, and I did a couple of times (once through my fuck-up and once through the school’s) and she helped when no one else could.
Sorry for the ramble, but it’s an important point so I’ll repeat: STUDENTS: KNOW THE SECRETARY IN THE DEPARTMENT OF YOUR MAJOR AND COURT HER FRIENDSHIP.

Put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can’t stress that enough. Don’t just throw it out the window.

Oh this is absolutely valuable in any job situation too. It’s amazing what a difference being polite to the receptionist can make.

In a surprising number of situations, ignoring it will, in fact, make it go away. Learn to recognize these situations.

If you’re a straight male, have as many female friends as possible. They will pimp you out.

Be nice to people, eventually it will make its way back to you.