Would you be offended if a relative you hardly see got in touch with you to ask for personal information about a dead family member?
My mother died when I was 11, and recently I’ve been thinking about her, and how I never got to know her as an adult, or even as a teenager. I wonder about things like if she was popular in school, what kinds of things interested her, what her first job was, which movie stars she had crushes on…things like that.
She has a sister who lives fairly close by, but I rarely see her. It’s been years, actually. I’ve been thinking about calling her and asking if we could get together to talk about my mother.
If you were in her place, would you be put off by this? I feel like I would be using her, and perhaps prying, and of course bringing up possibly painful feelings for her.
Not at all, I think maybe she’s been wondering when you’d ask her these things. I might take a different approach, and contact her to see when you two could visit, and catch up and reconnect. Then, either in the course of re-connecting with your aunt, ask a few questions about her and your mother, or wait until a visit or two to ask her if she could tell you more about what your mother was like. If I were her, I’d welcome the chance to tell you.
If I was in similar circumstances, I can’t imagine being offended or upset about my niece wanting to know more about her mother. This is your aunt, after all, right?
The kind of questions you are curious about strike me as the kind of things that people like to talk about when they lose loved ones. Of course, it might bring back some feelings of missing her sister, but then again, it might make her happy to be able to share them with you. You should go for it.
I agree with most of what has been said so far. If you get along with your aunt when you do see her, I can’t imagine it being a problem for any reasonable person.
That said, if maybe you don’t know the aunt too well on account of the infrequent contact, it might be both polite and emotionally helpful to try and get to know your aunt as well - in the process of of getting to know your mother through her. Both of you may benefit from striking up a somewhat closer relationship, given you were both such close relatives of the person you’ve both lost.
Yeah, I thought about doing just what you’ve described, but the reason I haven’t kept in touch with her is pretty much my fault, for not making an effort to attend more family get-togethers and stuff. Frankly, I think it would baffle(and possibly concern) my aunt if I just out of the blue decide I want to reconnect. It’s the awkwardness of this situation that’s really troubling me.
I’d consider telling her just what you’ve told us. You’ve just recently started really wondering about your mom, and you know that you haven’t been extremely social but you’d like to know them both better. I think a lot of people have been in that position.
Life is short, go be with your aunt! This is really coming home to me, after losing my mother suddenly (not entirely unexpected, we knew it was possible, but thought she was out of the woods for the most part) in March.
I’m so sorry to hear that. Hang in there, ok?
ETA: Someone gave me a book called “Motherless Daughters”, can’t think of the author’s first name, but last is Edelman, I think. It’s for women of all ages. I’ve found it pretty helpful to read about the experiences of others, maybe you would, too.
Am I wrong in believing you’re in your mid-20’s?
If so, it’s completely understandable that you are only now coming to grips with your mother dying when you were so young. (And FWIW, sorry you had this tragedy dealt to you in your life :()
Tell your aunt what you told us. I think she’ll understand and even appreciate it.
I think it is completely natural for young adults to go through a period of not-contacting relatives much and then coming back and wanting to re-connect. It happens all the time. I bet your aunt won’t think that’s weird at all, and if she’s an ordinary nice person, she’ll be happy to get together and develop a closer relationship and talk about your mom. She’ll probably be thrilled, if she’s anything like many of the women I know.
I also agree with that’s been said. I understand the clumsiness, or possible clumsiness, of the situation, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying to connect with your aunt.
I agree with this. From what you’ve said about how she reacts to your rare visits, she’ll most likely welcome more regular contact. She might consider you one of the only pieces of her sister that she has left, so to speak. Good luck.
This is really coming home to me, after losing my mother suddenly (not entirely unexpected, we knew it was possible, but thought she was out of the woods for the most part) in March.