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  #1  
Old 07-30-2007, 09:33 PM
oft wears hats oft wears hats is offline
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Once the marriage starts, the sex stops? Is this a cruel joke?

A friend of mine recently got married. He's a super-mega-Catholic, so I'm not terribly sure how knowledgeable he might be on pre-marital sex (my guess is "not very"), but I have heard this view from others before. He said and I paraphrase: "No food kills a woman's libido more than wedding cake."

This is something I very much don't want to believe. I want to get married someday (even though I'm currently so far away from that it's stopped being funny)*, and I most certainly want to have sex with my wife. A lot. Whenever she'd like, really, which I most certainly hope will be often.

So those of you who have been married, what's your opinion? Is there a noticeable negative hit on libido of either partner after the knot has been tied?

*Who am I kidding? It's still funny.
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  #2  
Old 07-30-2007, 09:40 PM
AuntiePam AuntiePam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oft wears hats
He said and I paraphrase: "No food kills a woman's libido more than wedding cake."
My favorite sex & marriage joke:

"Why are brides always smiling?"

"They know they've given their last blow job."

Many things will affect a couple's libidos, but (in my experience anyway) marriage isn't one of them.

Do you think your friend's joke was his way of starting a conversation about sex? Maybe he's asking for advice.

I forgot to answer your question. No.

Last edited by AuntiePam; 07-30-2007 at 09:41 PM..
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  #3  
Old 07-30-2007, 09:50 PM
Hello Again Hello Again is offline
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If the groom is a virgin or inexperienced, and the bride is a virgin or inexperienced, fireworks rarely result immediately after the wedding. Sex is a practice, practice, practice thing.

If the first few experiences were painful, uncomfortable, or just plain boring*, its no suprise the wife is less than ethused. She may not be able to articulate the problem or (depending on the level of ignorance she's been kept in) even know there IS a problem, other than her husband wanting more.


*yes, it is possible for sex to be boring. This one time with an XBF, during the compulative conjuction itself, my mind completely wandered off to other things, and my train of thought made me snicker, which was awkward, let me tell you.
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  #4  
Old 07-30-2007, 09:52 PM
aerodave aerodave is offline
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It's by no means universal, that's for sure. But stereotypes and "common knowledge" exist for a reason.

I doubt the reason is the change of state from unmarried to married. It's probably the case that couples typically have sex less frequently after being together for a while. Once the novelty of the relationship wears off, the oxytocin tops flowing and other things start taking precedence. For a lot of people, this is around the same time that the relationship becomes stable enough to consider marriage. So you end up with a lot of correlation between marriage and lower sex drive, but that's not necessarily causation.

That's just my crackpot theory; take it for what it's worth. Again, it's not always the case, but it definitely happens to a lot of people.
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  #5  
Old 07-30-2007, 09:57 PM
dangermom dangermom is offline
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Not IME. IIRC, studies show that married people generally get laid more often than singles. The thing is, once you have children there's a slowdown because you're so exhausted. But after they get a little bigger--assuming you have trained them to sleep in their own beds and through the night--it's easier again.

Birth control can fool with your hormones and dampen a libido. So can a husband who doesn't help out and never wants to snuggle; resentment is a big sex-killer. But in an ordinary happy marriage, you work through those things.
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  #6  
Old 07-30-2007, 09:58 PM
Idlewild Idlewild is offline
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The first year of marriage can be a pretty tough set of adjustments and stress can be pretty hard on sex drives. I suspect that has something to do with it. We weathered a couple of years of ups and downs and have settled in quite satisfactorily, still at it after nine years.
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  #7  
Old 07-30-2007, 10:10 PM
Hung Mung Hung Mung is offline
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Part of it's probably stress. If the two haven't lived together in any way, which is likely in families, like mine, that frown on the practice, frustration during the adjustment period can dampen the passion.

On top of that (no pun intended), if the couple have little or no sexual experience, especially with one another, poor communication can hinder the fun.

As for me, since I'm not living with my fiance', I fully expect our sexual activity to increase.
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  #8  
Old 07-30-2007, 10:11 PM
Scissorjack Scissorjack is offline
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Nope. It gets better. It isn't as spontaneous or footloose and carefree as before, especially if you have kids around, and you need to make sure it doesn't become a before-sleep afterthought when both of you are really too tired, so the dynamics do change a lot, but I'd maintain that the quality improves as the familiarity with one another's likes and needs increases. Practice is important, of course. Lots of practice. Plus there's that sheer glee when you can pack the kids off to the olds for a long weekend, hole up in a really nice hotel, and not emerge for three days.
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  #9  
Old 07-30-2007, 10:40 PM
CanvasShoes CanvasShoes is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oft wears hats
A friend of mine recently got married. He's a super-mega-Catholic, so I'm not terribly sure how knowledgeable he might be on pre-marital sex (my guess is "not very"), but I have heard this view from others before. He said and I paraphrase: "No food kills a woman's libido more than wedding cake."

So those of you who have been married, what's your opinion? Is there a noticeable negative hit on libido of either partner after the knot has been tied?

*Who am I kidding? It's still funny.
I hate that joke. I know it's supposed to be "cute". FWIW, I am not one for whom wedding cake would kill my libido. I love sex as long as it's within a LTCR. Love and commitment make it MORE fun, and more likely that I'll be calling the man of the house upstairs to bed, A LOT.

And I very much doubt that I'm alone in this. We girls do like sex too.

Ya know? I hear a lot of "jokes" and complaints about the "old bait and switch" regarding women suddenly stopping the fun train. But when you hear the woman's side, more times than not, it's the old "chicken and egg" syndrome.

Did the "fun train" stop first? Or did the "treat her like a lady and say something nice once in a while" stop first? It's a two way street gents.

If your friend is not experienced, maybe it's just that his bride found out he wasn't very good. THAT would stop the sex (and the relationship) for sure in my book.
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  #10  
Old 07-30-2007, 11:00 PM
susan susan is offline
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When people live together, they may start to take each other for granted. No romantic dates, backrubs, flowers, and perhaps no brushing of teeth, listening, wearing clean underwear.
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  #11  
Old 07-30-2007, 11:09 PM
Lynn Bodoni Lynn Bodoni is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CanvasShoes
Ya know? I hear a lot of "jokes" and complaints about the "old bait and switch" regarding women suddenly stopping the fun train. But when you hear the woman's side, more times than not, it's the old "chicken and egg" syndrome.

Did the "fun train" stop first? Or did the "treat her like a lady and say something nice once in a while" stop first? It's a two way street gents.

If your friend is not experienced, maybe it's just that his bride found out he wasn't very good. THAT would stop the sex (and the relationship) for sure in my book.
IME, a lot of guys think that they can quit courting a gal just because they've married her. That's one of the chief complaints I hear from my girlfriends. Many women need to feel cherished before they can get into a sexual mood. Being taken for granted WILL kill libido far more surely than wedding cake or any other sort of food.
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  #12  
Old 07-30-2007, 11:20 PM
Ruby Ruby is online now
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Libido is a funny thing. I believe for women that it ebbs and flows (no pun intended) moreso than for men. Knowing my history, I don't know how a partner could keep up with the red-hot-monkey-sex turning into not-tonight-dear without warning.

If the sales of viagra are any indication, there's more to men's performance than we ever thought, too. If there's that many men affected by erectile dysfunction, then it's no wonder humans never have sex.

Sex is complicated.
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  #13  
Old 07-30-2007, 11:46 PM
Sunspace Sunspace is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dangermom
IIRC, studies show that married people generally get laid more often than singles.
This has to be one of the classic understatements.
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  #14  
Old 07-31-2007, 01:42 AM
TokyoBayer TokyoBayer is online now
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We got married last May and have been living together since the privious December, so about a year and a half. My wife went in to see her Ob/GBN with her temperature charts and she also marks days which we have sex. Over the last four months, we've averaged sex on 3.5 days per week, which is lower than the number of times per week; which is not recorded but an averages of another 1 to 2 times per week.

It would be higher, but she does have her period, I've got business trips and a man's got to rest sometimes.

From what I've read it seems for a number of people that letting things get into a boring routine is one killer. Another is for guys to not include enough intimacy, especially after the act is done.

My wife says* that she wasn't that interested in sex in her previous relationship, in which she had lived with her previous boyfriend for 7 years, and said that sex just wasn't interesting. Obviously that's changed, so people's libidos can change under different circumstances.


*Of course there is the possibility that she's just making this up to make me feel good, but if it's all a lie, I'll forgive her.
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  #15  
Old 07-31-2007, 05:44 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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The Grandma From Hell complains because her sex life with The Grandpa From Hell stopped including daily-or-more intercourse about 10 years ago and his stroke of last year (which left him paralized on the right side, he's 99% recovered now) put a temporary stop to other games.

She's 93. He's 92. We celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary last May. Married people don't have sex, my left eye.

Last edited by Nava; 07-31-2007 at 05:44 AM..
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  #16  
Old 07-31-2007, 05:46 AM
Scissorjack Scissorjack is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lynn Bodoni
Many women need to feel cherished before they can get into a sexual mood. Being taken for granted WILL kill libido far more surely than wedding cake or any other sort of food.
I think that in any decent relationship the cherishing should take place as a matter of course: holding your wife's hand when you go out shouldn't just be a bargaining chip for nookie.
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  #17  
Old 07-31-2007, 06:27 AM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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I think that sex frequency just drops a bit over time.

For us, being together 2 years before marriage, and 8 years since. . .we've slowed down, but the actual marriage had no effect on it.

I was with a girl for 5+ years once that I didn't marry, and sex slowed down there too.

After you've had sex with the same person 500 times. . .well, you still enjoy it, but you're probably not running around the house like rabbits anymore either.
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  #18  
Old 07-31-2007, 07:20 AM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is online now
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It's true that you have more frequent sex at the start of a relationship, when you're still bonding. But it certainly doesn't happen that sex decreases because of marriage. Our sex decreased only when our daughter started staying up late. It increased noticeably when she went to camp a couple of weeks ago.
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  #19  
Old 07-31-2007, 07:34 AM
JohnGalt JohnGalt is offline
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There was this old farmer who had a bull that he rented out 500 times a year to inseminate cows on other farms. One day his wife asked him why their sex life was so dull, when the bull was able to do it 500 times in one year. The farmer replied, "Well, it's not always the same cow".
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  #20  
Old 07-31-2007, 08:12 AM
Solfy Solfy is offline
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I wish I could print out many of the replys in this thread and show them to my husband. Particularly #16. If you only pay attention to your wife when you want something and ignore her the rest of the time, don't be surprised when she doesn't feel like jumping on top of you.
*ahem* Having revealed probably too much, I will share my cookie jar theory of sex and marriage.
When you are a little kid and you can't reach the cookie jar, you always want a cookie. You beg your parents for a cookie (usually five minutes before dinner). You will never turn down a cookie because you don't know when you're going to be offered another one. Your thoughts are all cookie all the time.
When you're all grown up and you stock the cookie jar, you know you can have a cookie any time you want. You walk past the cookie jar and think, "Hm. . . do I want a cookie? Nah. I'm not that hungry. Maybe later." You may pass up a cookie in favor of a dish of ice cream (for parents of small children, the ice cream can be seen as sweet, blessed, uninterrupted sleep). Cookies will always be there, so you don't have to worry about when your next cookie will be.
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  #21  
Old 07-31-2007, 09:13 AM
Eleanor of Aquitaine Eleanor of Aquitaine is online now
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The joke I've heard is:

During the first year of your sexual relationship, drop a penny in a jar every time you have sex. After that first year, take a penny out of the jar every time you have sex. You'll never empty the jar.
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  #22  
Old 07-31-2007, 09:15 AM
MeanJoe MeanJoe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nava
The Grandma From Hell complains because her sex life with The Grandpa From Hell stopped including daily-or-more intercourse about 10 years ago and his stroke of last year (which left him paralized on the right side, he's 99% recovered now) put a temporary stop to other games.

She's 93. He's 92. We celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary last May. Married people don't have sex, my left eye.
Bravo for the Grandparents From Hell! My grandparent's are very similar and are approaching their 70th in a few years. My half-sister used to get squicked out at the concept of them still having sex and she went nearly apoplectic when she found Grandpa's viagara. Me? I think that it is fantastic and I hope someday to be in my 90's and tappin' some ass.


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  #23  
Old 07-31-2007, 09:24 AM
Sunspace Sunspace is offline
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Way to go, Grandpa!

And I agree, the cherishing and cuddling is at least as important. Somewhere around here recently I posted my experience of how human touch saved my life when I was an infant; why should this change when we are grown up? People need to be held and supported, and it feels so damn good to hold and support.
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  #24  
Old 07-31-2007, 09:36 AM
Telperien Telperien is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunspace
Way to go, Grandpa!

And I agree, the cherishing and cuddling is at least as important. Somewhere around here recently I posted my experience of how human touch saved my life when I was an infant; why should this change when we are grown up? People need to be held and supported, and it feels so damn good to hold and support.
That's quite true. Many people, though, don't know how to ask for or give that holding and support without sex. But that's fine if it's fine with them.
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  #25  
Old 07-31-2007, 09:53 AM
bett bett is offline
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There have been studies that say a women's sex drive decreases when she's in a secure relationship (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/health/4790313.stm).
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  #26  
Old 07-31-2007, 11:57 AM
Sofaspud Sofaspud is offline
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Anecdotes all, and five data points does not a survey make, but for what it's worth:

Friend 1: sex was great until the Child showed up, at which point his wife turned into the classic "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache". For the next eight years. *shudder* They're still married but he's taken to visiting "Oriental Health Spas" with his wife's blessing. Whatever works for them I guess.

Friend 2: He's been married more times than I like to think about, always goes after women who are depressive (clinically), and can't seem to grasp that riding in on his white steed isn't going to magically fix the depression. According to him, women use sex to get the ring on your finger so they can bleed you dry. I don't hang out with him much any more.

Friend 3: claims that his wife was a prude until they got married, at which point the raging nympho came out of the closet. They're going on six years married if I remember correctly. If he's not bragging (and judging by the way she, er, tries to distract him while we're gaming), they get it on about every two hours. Okay, I exaggerate, but still. I've seen new teen couples who paw each other less. (I'm sorta jealous.)

Friend 4: had great, wonderful, mind-blowing sex (he claims) until his wife got pregnant. The baby is not quite a year old and he's got a permanent frustrated look on his face. I haven't asked, but I'm guessing he's not getting any yet.

Myself: not as often as *I'd* like, but nowhere near as rare as when I was single. I'd say it's about as often as when we were dating. I'm married three years this year.

My theory goes something like this: I think that the only married guys who complain are the ones who aren't getting any. The rest of us are too content to bother voicing an opinion. It makes it sound worse than it actually is, since all you ever hear about is the bad ones.
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  #27  
Old 07-31-2007, 12:06 PM
Madd Maxx Madd Maxx is offline
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I would say the frequency of sex has gone down sinceour marriage lo these ten years but that is easily attributed to kids, work, In-laws etc...
The quality of the sex we do have has gone up exponentially though.
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  #28  
Old 07-31-2007, 12:34 PM
SanibelMan SanibelMan is offline
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This certainly isn't true in my experience, but my wife's best friend got married just over a year ago and she and her husband can count on two hands the number of times they've had sex since then. And it's not her problem, either - he's the one who's not interested. They don't have kids, they don't have jobs, they're both college students living off of trust funds and the money they got for their wedding. But he's from Brooklyn and now they're living in Alabama, and he stays up every night until 3 or 4 in the morning playing Dungeons and Dragons online with all his New York friends. And get this: When she confronted him about the fact that my wife and I manage to, uh, "maintain our relationship" even with two kids and two full-time jobs, he said, "Well, it's just that you've gained weight since you got married."

She weighs maybe 20 pounds more now than she did then, and she still weighs less than she did in high school, when they met.

I give the marriage another six months.
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  #29  
Old 07-31-2007, 12:47 PM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NigelDavenport is TheCommodore
Nobody gets more sex after marriage. I would never get married.
So, your first statement is based on the experience you gained from. . .????

The problem when you're single (or when I was single) is that you're either getting great romping sex in crazy three month bursts, or you're mired in an 8 month dry spell and you just KNOW you're giving off the stink.

It's the second part of that that's the problem.
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  #30  
Old 07-31-2007, 12:51 PM
Sunrazor Sunrazor is offline
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If getting married means you have the opportunity to deepen your love and share your life with the one person you most want to share it with, then sex will be a satisfying, exclusive, and intimate expression of that love. It will be the one thing you can share only with each other and no one else, and it will become a bond that makes you an unbeatable team.

If getting married means you don't really get to live your own life because you always have to keep the other person's needs in mind, sex will go the way of everything else in the marriage -- mostly down the crapper.

Nothing will ever match the white-hot heat of young love passion. As you settle into a marriage, frequency will diminish some (how much depends on the other demands on each of you) but quality should improve. Yes, sex can be boring, but if it is, you need to talk about why. It's hard to talk about sex, but you'll have to.

I use woodworking as a metaphor for a lot of things in life, including sex/marriage. At first, it was just so much damn fun to tear into the lumber, and glue and clamp and drill and screw and nail and all those other euphemism we use. The results weren't very good, but it was lots of fun and I just couldn't wait to do it again. Over time I learned new techniques, got better wood, bought finer tools and just got experience. Now my projects, while not yet perfect, are things of real beauty, and the making of them is immensely satisfying. I don't get into the shop as often as I used to but when I do, it's really, really good. If ya' know what I mean.
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  #31  
Old 07-31-2007, 01:06 PM
Chimera Chimera is online now
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Pre-Marriage: My psycho ex promised me the Moon and Stars. She would never turn me down, so she said, even if I woke her at 3am. Never mind that this promise was broken 3 days later in the middle of the day.

Post-Marriage: She didn't feel like it (depression), she was mad at me (psycho), she wasn't feeling good (depression), she had a headache, blah, blah, blah. We were down to about twice a month at the end.

So from my perspective, all the promises about sex (just like every other promise she ever made) were bullshit, false pretenses to lure me in.

But then, my ex-wife is certifiably insane, so YMMV.
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  #32  
Old 07-31-2007, 01:23 PM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chimera
Pre-Marriage: My psycho ex promised me the Moon and Stars. She would never turn me down, so she said, even if I woke her at 3am. Never mind that this promise was broken 3 days later in the middle of the day.

Post-Marriage: She didn't feel like it (depression), she was mad at me (psycho), she wasn't feeling good (depression), she had a headache, blah, blah, blah. We were down to about twice a month at the end.

So from my perspective, all the promises about sex (just like every other promise she ever made) were bullshit, false pretenses to lure me in.

But then, my ex-wife is certifiably insane, so YMMV.
Jesus. . .and even after you made her promise she would never turn you down. . .
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  #33  
Old 07-31-2007, 01:55 PM
Cat Fight Cat Fight is offline
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Does marriage make more of a difference to a couple's sex life than moving in together or a long-term relationship? I can't see how a ceremony and a piece of paper could fundamentally alter a relationship more than a total lifestyle change (e.g. buying a house or having kids).

And don't forget, guys aren't the only ones who play 'friend, f*ck or marry.'
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  #34  
Old 07-31-2007, 02:04 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trunk
Jesus. . .and even after you made her promise she would never turn you down. . .
Wait a second; he didn't say he *made* her promise; she might have volunteered that.

Cat Fight, I'd be tempted to say that the biggest changes to sex lives would come from moving in together and having children. If you live together before you marry, I don't think the sex frequency would change all that much after the ceremony, but living together provides all kinds of opportunities you didn't have before. Well, and buying that hanging swing for the bedroom, too, but that goes without saying.

Last edited by Cat Whisperer; 07-31-2007 at 02:05 PM..
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  #35  
Old 07-31-2007, 02:06 PM
Voyager Voyager is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trunk

After you've had sex with the same person 500 times. . .well, you still enjoy it, but you're probably not running around the house like rabbits anymore either.
After at least 3,000 times, all I can say is speak for yourself.
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  #36  
Old 07-31-2007, 02:11 PM
Foxy40 Foxy40 is offline
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I dated someone that was very inexperienced when he and his first wife married. He had heard the tale that sex slowed down once you marry and thought it was normal. When I asked how much it slowed down, he said it went from about once a month when they first married to about once every three to four months after they married. Finally he confided in a friend who assured him that that was not normal.

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  #37  
Old 07-31-2007, 02:13 PM
Trunk Trunk is offline
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Originally Posted by featherlou
Wait a second; he didn't say he *made* her promise; she might have volunteered that.
Point taken.

It's still kind of beside the point, though. If a promise that "I'll always have sex" has to be made going in, that marriage is doomed already. Like it's starting out with bargaining.

It's like saying the idea of sex is, "I have needs and you're going to meet them".

I think sunrazor said it well. . .

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunrazor
If getting married means you have the opportunity to deepen your love and share your life with the one person you most want to share it with, then sex will be a satisfying, exclusive, and intimate expression of that love. It will be the one thing you can share only with each other and no one else, and it will become a bond that makes you an unbeatable team.

If getting married means you don't really get to live your own life because you always have to keep the other person's needs in mind, sex will go the way of everything else in the marriage -- mostly down the crapper.
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  #38  
Old 07-31-2007, 02:15 PM
Diogenes the Cynic Diogenes the Cynic is offline
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I think that kids do more to slow things down than marriage per se. I will submit that, after marriage, things tend to become more vanilla and, as the years grind on, less frequent, but it's not necessarily less satisfying. It's more routine -- it can get mechanical -- but there's a comfort level there too. You don't need to swing from the ceilings any more to be gratified.

Aging plays a role too. I'm not as horny in my 40's as I was in my 20's.
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  #39  
Old 07-31-2007, 02:21 PM
Gatopescado Gatopescado is offline
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It all depends who you marry. Choose wisely, Grasshopper.
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  #40  
Old 07-31-2007, 02:35 PM
Bobotheoptimist Bobotheoptimist is offline
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I guess I'll be the little ray of darkness in this otherwise sunny thread -

It's a cruel joke indeed, but not necessarily untrue.
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  #41  
Old 07-31-2007, 05:36 PM
gonzomax gonzomax is offline
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Old polish guy I used to work with said his village had a story. For first two years of marriage, put a bean in a jar when you have sex. After 2 yrs take one out every time. He says you will never empty the jar.
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  #42  
Old 07-31-2007, 06:45 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobotheoptimist
I guess I'll be the little ray of darkness in this otherwise sunny thread -

It's a cruel joke indeed, but not necessarily untrue.
Not to be mean, but what you've posted of your marriage recently sounds like you're not having a very successful one. Maybe it would be fair to say that the amount of sex and both parties' satisfaction with that level could be used as a barometer for how well your marriage is going. What do y'all think?

gonzo, you need some new material. Eleanor already did that joke.
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Old 07-31-2007, 06:57 PM
Waverly Waverly is offline
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Sex only stops in certain circumstances. With the bride, for example.
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Old 07-31-2007, 07:35 PM
SailedTheOceanBlue SailedTheOceanBlue is offline
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It depends on how much you were doing it in the first place. I've been with my husband for 13 years and it was pretty crazy there for the first few years but we still get it on (in some form) about every other day. The sex decreased dramatically in the six months after each child was born but has always rebounded.

Except for that one time he honked my boob. Honked it and then said, "How about some nookie?" He didn't get any for a week after that move.

Your sex life is what you make it, put effort in and you get effort back. If that's not the case, people shouldn't be together.
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Old 07-31-2007, 07:51 PM
Chimera Chimera is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trunk
Jesus. . .and even after you made her promise she would never turn you down. . .
Where do you get the "you made her" bit?
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Old 07-31-2007, 08:00 PM
Unauthorized Cinnamon Unauthorized Cinnamon is offline
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Lots of wisdom in this thread. Couple things to emphasize/add.

Nothing compares to the initial infatuation stage of love. You are basically high for several months, and hot monkey sex is almost constant. But (probably because we'd starve or something if we kept on like that, and therefore never procreate) love mellows over time. Infatuation becomes intimate attachment. This will probably reduce frequency from "will you two ever sleep/work/clean/exit the house again?" but not to untoward levels. Plus when you really know and trust someone, you can experiment and do crazier stuff, while feeling safe, which is fun.

I think babies kill sex more than marriage - and only for limited times. Pregnancy brings issues, and then when their in the "fourth trimester" you get so exhausted, you feel like a POW. I think even lots of men (if they are doing their fair share!) get less interested then. Plus there's stuff like tears/episiotomies, vaginal dryness, postpartum depression . . . there can be lots of impediments shortly after birth. And depending on when your kid learns to sleep for long stretches, it can last quite some time.

I also totally agree that dropping the courting/seduction behavior kills sex. Gee, there's nothing that'll turn a woman on like her man rolling over and saying, "Ya wanna?"

Finally, here is my gender psychology theory of mismatched sex interest. Obviously individuals vary, but I think this reflects the major trends. Men view sex as a relaxing treat, like plopping down in your comfy chair in front of your favorite TV show. So they can have a stressful day, feel totally exhausted, stay up until their eyelids are drooping, and then want to have sex.

For many women, sex is more like going for a run (for those that like running) - it can be relaxing, fun, and invigorating, but it requires an investment of energy, and is best done with some forethought and planning. After an exhausting day, when you are completely tapped out, and finally crawl into bed, it's not really what you want to do.
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Old 07-31-2007, 08:19 PM
oft wears hats oft wears hats is offline
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There have been a lot of great insights in this thread, which I was expecting (one of the reasons I love the Dope so). I figured it was largely thing largely varying from couple to couple, but I did want to hear personal experiences.
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Old 07-31-2007, 10:14 PM
Scissorjack Scissorjack is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oft wears hats
There have been a lot of great insights in this thread, which I was expecting (one of the reasons I love the Dope so). I figured it was largely thing largely varying from couple to couple, but I did want to hear personal experiences.
It sounds to me like the friend that you quoted in your OP has a somewhat limited and old-fashioned view of women and marriage: he seems to assume that a woman will snare a man into commitment with her sexy wiles, and then turn off those wiles once she has him trapped. Women like having sex, in my experience, and assuming a long-term relationship is on a sound footing - with the loving and the cherishing and the spooning and the hand-holding and the GLAVIN! - that libido doesn't disappear once she puts on a ring. The dynamics of the intimacy certainly do change, as a number of posters have pointed out, but that's not a bad thing, it's just part of maturing into an adult relationship. If your friend feels that his wife's attitude to sex has changed, he might want to consider how he may have shaped her attitude.
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Old 07-31-2007, 10:43 PM
MissGypsy MissGypsy is offline
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Originally Posted by Diogenes the Cynic
I think that kids do more to slow things down than marriage per se. I will submit that, after marriage, things tend to become more vanilla and, as the years grind on, less frequent, but it's not necessarily less satisfying. It's more routine -- it can get mechanical -- but there's a comfort level there too. You don't need to swing from the ceilings any more to be gratified.

Aging plays a role too. I'm not as horny in my 40's as I was in my 20's.
Well said. Babies have put more a kibosh on sex than anything else, and one of ours has decided he doesn't want any more little brothers, so he wants to sleep between us half the night. We're tired, cranky, but when we do find a moment, it's nice, comforting, and routine. Once in a blue moon, we find a few hours for mad, crazy love.
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