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#1
10-26-2007, 12:30 PM
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Dating worries if s/he were 45 and never married?
There's a couple personal ads on Craig's List here in Denver for women who are 45 years old and have never been married (or one woman with 2 ads but they seem different enough).
Would you, as a person looking to date, be indifferent, attracted, or worried by a middle-aged, potential "datee" who had never married? On the positive hand, they're probably low baggage. No ex-spouse to deal with, maybe no kids. That's low drama. On the negative hand, maybe they hit 45 years old because they're insane or stalkerish and have driven off all their earlier dates. Maybe they're just homely. Maybe they talk like Fran Drescher. What's your knee-jerk reaction to "45 and never married"? 
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#4
10-26-2007, 12:36 PM
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Anyone I've known in that position was either weirdly asexual or had some sort of glaring, off-putting flaw (usually a personality one) that they were completely oblivious of.
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#5
10-26-2007, 12:39 PM
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As a never-married 41yo, I'd be curious, and predisposed to view the lady positively (especially if she didn't indicate trampy or homebody tastes in her profile).
I've often thought that all us never-married-over-40 folks ought to be thrown into a big pit and be made to sort ourselves into couples before we can climb out. After about five days VCO3 comes with a machine gun and the culling begins. Last edited by Beware of Doug; 10-26-2007 at 12:40 PM.
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#6
10-26-2007, 12:40 PM
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I'd be fine with it, because ISTM that all guys in my demo (38) who are currently single have either (a) never had a relationship that was important enough to end in marriage or (b) did have that relationship and failed at it. I don't think either of those is automatically better than the other.
It's also worth noting that it's a little over-simplistic to assume "never married" means "always been single." There are a lot of people who have multi-year LTRs that just never get married. That doesn't mean they don't have kids, exes, or baggage.
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#7
10-26-2007, 12:42 PM
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#8
10-26-2007, 12:47 PM
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My fiancée is close to that age and never been married before. Definitely not "weirdly asexual," no off-putting flaws (at least not to me). Some women just don't consider marriage a high priority in life, and have a "if it happens, it happens, if not, that's OK too" attitude.
45, never married, and posting personal ads on Craigslist, now that might be a little different. But people's priorities do change.
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#9
10-26-2007, 03:06 PM
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I'm 33, extremely shy, and have never had a boyfriend. I feel like something is wrong with me all the time. I wish I knew what it was.
Susan
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#10
10-26-2007, 03:12 PM
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45 year old and never married? In this day and age in particular, with divorce rates so high, child support, half of one's property gone , and everything else that can potentially - note I said potentially so don't jump on me - come with marriage and then divorce, I would think he was being very cautious. He might even be commitment-phobic but it wouldn't actively turn me off. Hell, it might even be interesting to me. I tend to run from men with kids anyway, and too much baggage is a turn off for anyone.
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#11
10-26-2007, 03:16 PM
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I didn't get married until I was 32. Last edited by lisacurl; 10-26-2007 at 03:17 PM.
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#12
10-26-2007, 03:17 PM
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It's a Futurama reference. Making Futurama references is the real reason I'm undateable
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#16
10-26-2007, 03:25 PM
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#17
10-26-2007, 03:25 PM
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#18
10-26-2007, 03:38 PM
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Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore his wife, as well as their children. There's nothing I wouldn't do for any of them. But to be with the same woman from high school 'til death? Not for me.
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#19
10-26-2007, 03:40 PM
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My sister is 50 and never been married. She a great, funny person but the timing just never worked. Once you leave school (college/grad) sometimes it's just hard to find people.
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#20
10-26-2007, 03:47 PM
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#21
10-26-2007, 03:53 PM
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Shoud I be trying to figure out which of those categories I fall into?
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#22
10-26-2007, 04:02 PM
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I posted a similar question long ago here.
It basically skeeved me out as well. I was promptly flamed for it, so I thought it was a character flaw on my part, so I dated her. Once. Then ran for the hills. I then promptly dated ANOTHER person, also in their late 30's -- never married -- and she ended up being skittish about dating in general and was so hot-and-cold that it basically pissed me off to those same hills. A few months later I found ANOTHER person (here at work) who was 40 and never married. Dated once. She ended up being as flighty as the first two. So, against the grain of the responders on this (and the one linked above) thread I'm going to give you my personal experiences in this matter as an insight as to things-that-might-be (tm). YMMV -- and I hope it does. In my <sarcasm>vast dating experience</sarcasm>, I've found that the excuse of "maybe she/he hasn't found that 'special someone'", or "the timing never worked" or any of the other excuses offered here are just that -- excuses to hide some deep character flaw. Feel free to pit me if you disagree. I will be the first person to admit that I'm opinionated and judgmental. But be careful about this person just the same. Last edited by dmatsch; 10-26-2007 at 04:04 PM.
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#23
10-26-2007, 04:17 PM
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You know, I once would've vigorously denied that having never been married makes you someone to be cautious about. And then I turned forty. And I realized that there are reasons I've never married and they do make me different and porbably a much less likely dating candidate than someone who has previously made a marriage commitment even if it ended badly. I'm much less tolerant of the accomodations one needs to make to have a traditional relationship and I'm not particularly interested in compromising my time and interests for those of another.
More importantly, I don't really have any interest in getting married. Honestly, unless you're an anti-social serial killer, if you want to get married, you can find someone. (and even serial killers turn out to have been married in many cases) At this age, I think a lack of marriage (or, as an alternative, a long-term committed realtionship) indicates that there may be issues. Maybe not something readily apparent, probably not something insurmountable with enough desire, but it's there.
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#24
10-26-2007, 04:18 PM
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#25
10-26-2007, 04:32 PM
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Like tremorviolet, I'm not married because I don't particularly want to be. At least not enough to inconvenince myself at all. I suppose that could be considered a "character flaw". Personally, I consider it a lifestyle choice. It would be a character flaw if I let guys think that I was inclined to be their girlfriend, but I don't.
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#26
10-26-2007, 04:46 PM
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Meh. My husband was 41 when we married, and had never been married, or previously been in a long-term relationship. He just hadn't met anyone that he thought was worth it. Picky? Perhaps. But other than being a world-class slob (not a unique flaw, I believe), there wasn't anything wrong with him.
ETA: I didn't include myself in the anecdote, because I was 27 when we married. Last edited by StuffLikeThatThere; 10-26-2007 at 04:47 PM.
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#27
10-26-2007, 04:51 PM
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Last edited by Bobotheoptimist; 10-26-2007 at 04:51 PM.
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#28
10-26-2007, 04:51 PM
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And I'm not saying that it can't change either. If I met a person I was head over heels for, I think I'd change my current opinion. (or not, it's hard to say) But I'm not willing to make compromises soley for the sake of being in a relationship although many people are. And chances are, if being in a relationship is important to them, by their forties, they've probably tried marriage or a very long term relationship.
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#29
10-26-2007, 04:57 PM
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#30
10-26-2007, 06:28 PM
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I don't think not being married necessarily=not able to keep up with commitments or whatever. Hmm, I''m not married, never been, neither has my SO, and we've been together for more than 10 years. The reasons why not are many and sundry and they're no one's business but ours - but I would be more skittish about someone who had never been in a relationship than someone who's never married.
I don't really even know if marriage is a good thing, actually. It's been forced down our throats so much by every culture and every religion and there's good things to it, the way it was envisioned, but as I said before, I don't know if I like the legal ramifications behind it. I don't really believe monogamy is the default for humans either. Even those who have been in relationships for long must acknowledge they worked damn hard to maintain those, or they are unequal relationships. I love the person I'm with very much but I'm not going to get married until I'm good and ready and he is also, no matter what society says (and believe me, I get plenty of shtick about my decision). So maybe that's why I don't have the least problem with unmarried guys.
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#31
10-26-2007, 06:42 PM
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As tremorviolet and DianaG have suggested, the fact that someone has reached 45 or more and never married may make that person a bad choice for someone for you to date -- if getting married is a priority for you.
If getting married isn't a priority for you, you may find that person interesting, attractive, fun, great in bed, kind, generous, (loyal, clean, brave, reverent), etc. -- IOW, well worth spending time with. Even spending a fair amount of time with. Probably not 24/7 time, but quality time nonetheless.
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#33
10-26-2007, 07:34 PM
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45, never been married, had numerous LtR and lived with women.
Some of us just never get around to the ring thing.
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#34
10-26-2007, 07:39 PM
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I'm 30 and in a relationship, but a mere two years ago, I was single and:
1) had a male roommate friend, with whom I hung out a lot; 2) had a night shift job; 3) had very low socializing needs; 4) didn't really care whether I had a boyfriend or not; and 5) never viewed marriage as something I must do once I was in a good relationship. I could easily have become 45 and unmarried. Hell, if my SO weren't so keen on marriage, I still could be 45 and unmarried but in a happy, committed relationship in a decade and a half. I have great relationships with family and friends and at work. By all indications I'm a good, cool, funny, and not physically repulsive person. So in many cases, including mine, "never been married" means just that, and nothing more.
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#35
10-26-2007, 07:45 PM
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#36
10-26-2007, 10:23 PM
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#37
10-26-2007, 10:40 PM
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#38
10-26-2007, 11:06 PM
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So really, when you get right down to it, I've never met anyone I'd want to marry. That doesn't mean I never will. But either way, I don't lose sleep over it.
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#39
10-26-2007, 11:18 PM
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Eh. I was 35 and had never been in a real long-term relationship. I had had some possibilities but they weren't good matches for me. When I started dating my partner I knew within a week that we'd be in it for the long run. We've been together 9 1/2 years and will have our 10th commitment ceremony anniversary this spring.
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#40
10-27-2007, 12:45 AM
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Full disclosure: I fully expect to reach 45 while never being married.
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#41
10-27-2007, 02:38 AM
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Normal. Now if they are 45 and have never had a long term commited relationship, then I'd be worried. I don't give a rats-ass if they actually tied the knot or not
 in fact if they had been married 3 or more times by 45, then that's when I'd be really concerned.
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#42
10-27-2007, 02:48 AM
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 And Belrix, the only thing you can be sure of with over-45 women is that they probably don't want to (try and) have any (more) kids. Last edited by Maastricht; 10-27-2007 at 02:50 AM.
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#43
10-27-2007, 08:12 AM
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both my sisters are over 40 and never married. Each has been in one LTR (live in) that I know of (neither lasted more than 3 years). From the outside looking in, they are decent looking people, but knowing their personalities, I could see why they might scare off some guys. To answer the OP, I would be leery, but there is nothing to lose by talking to the girl.
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#44
10-27-2007, 08:25 AM
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I'll go back and read the rest of the thread later, but I wanted to jump in.
I am in my late 40s (tho I still look like I'm in my late 30s) and never married, no kids. I have no personality flaws (well, none glaring enough to keep men at bay) and I am completely, unavoidably aware of my physical flaws. It is my size that has kept me single all these years. (well, that and the overabundance of asshats in my social circles - I need bigger circles  )But if I were to read an ad from a guy in his 40s and still single, I'd be intrigued and I'd give it a shot. It'd be easy enough to tell in the first few minutes of the date if he's a mama's boy, or a complete idiot, and if he was neither of those things, there'd probably be a second, perhaps even third or byeond, date.
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#45
10-27-2007, 08:31 PM
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My wife's best friend got married at 45. Her problem was that when she was younger she wanted a guy who was already successful. For a long time she dated such a guy, but got dumped when she wanted a commitment. He was smooth - all the women who met him liked him, all the men thought he was a rat. We were right.
 After some years of reflection, she decided to be more reasonable, and met a nice guy, a teacher, who had never married either. They've been married for 10 years and seem very happy. So, people do grow.
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#46
10-28-2007, 12:09 PM
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I'm 39 and have never been married, but have had multiple multi-year relationships. Those around here who have met me can vouch that I'm neither psychotic nor hideous. I am not, however, a particularly mainstream person, and I tend to be shy in social situations where I don't know most of the people present, which means that a) I HATE HATE HATE "traditional" dating (whatever the hell that means), and b) 99.9% of the guys out there are either going to think I'm some sort of weirdo or otherwise have little to nothing in common with me.
Do I want to get married at some point? In the abstract, yes. Do I want to do it enough that I am willing to overlook serious actual or potential relationship problems, just to check "marriage" off my to-do list, and potentially end up divorced after a couple of years like a number of my friends have done? Or even after 12 years, like my parents did? Hell no - if and when when I do it, I want it to be for keeps, and I want to be really, really sure that both of us feel the same way about marriage, and about each other. Have I met the right guy yet? Well, the current one seems to be a real keeper, but it's only been a few months - we'll see.
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#47
10-28-2007, 01:33 PM
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45 and never married wouldn't turn me off, whough I might ber cautious. But then I'd be that cautious with anyone.
I'm over 40 and never married. Personality flaws? Hell yeah--spent 15 years learning about and working on fixing them. Was it in time? Eh... I don't know. At my age I haven't a lot of hope anymore.
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#48
10-28-2007, 04:26 PM
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::shrug:: I've never met a divorced person who wasn't married to the spawn of satan - it is never their fault. IOW, no one thinks there is something wrong with them. Not the singles at 45 nor the divorced. It would seem to me that having failed at a marriage is hardly a resume builder for future relationships.
No, I have no problem someone who is single at 45.
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#49
10-28-2007, 04:31 PM
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Being unmarried wouldn't even warrant a raised eyebrow. No relationship of some sort, on the other hand, would be something to ask or worry about.
'course, I'm 25 and though I've had a few partners, my only relationship lasted just over two months and I was happy when she dumped me so if things continue like they have been, I'm probably going to be 45 and never married myself.
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#50
10-28-2007, 04:38 PM
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