#1  
Old 12-05-2007, 04:38 PM
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The Real Story of ChainSaw Massacure


The real story is that Peter Gusen owned a dairy farm that was attacked by cave dwelling vampire bats. His cows kept getting attacked and so did the family over and over. They contracted rabies and he lost his mind. While the shots helped they didn't help the post tramactic stress disorder that came with the bat attacks. He became very affected and so did his family. He was in a church once that was attacked by bats and I was there. The bats attacked me and also crapped all over a crucifix with a gold Jesus on it and yes it was a catholic chruch. This man was very affected by vampires because of the bats and the invention of TV and vampire movies. Anyone that had been attacked by bats or had sharpteeth was subject to being taken to the farm for blood letting because in order for them not to attack the cows,sheeps, etc or attack his son who played with doodle bugs aka marbles outside at all hours of the night you had to give blood to him to sit outside so the bats could feed. His children later on in life that ran the butchering part of the farm became the terror of arkansas since it was here in Traskwood arkansas not texas that the massacure occured. He wore a cowhide mask in the butcher shop becasue it kept the blood off his face and so did the kids. One of the kids was really wild at the time over a female and he took over a neighboring farm and killed them one by one wearing the cowhide mask. They tracked him down in Saline County arkansas at the back of the small airport and it was a big thing he went to jail as a mass murderer under the name of Gusen not Hewitt. I am not a Gusen but I am one of the kidnapped by them to feed the bats. Somewhere in traskwood there is a cave full of bats that still come out to feed and yes the Guesn's are still alive and ride at night wearing the cowhide masks and terrorizing the whole saline,grant,and hotsprings county area only cause that's the area that they know. Any place else they get lost. Especilly if doodle is driving the truck cause he's the nervous one you know. Some do use other names so you never know when your talking to a gusen and you just might be kidnapped to feed the bats in Traskwood.-Dixonville area.
  #2  
Old 12-05-2007, 04:51 PM
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Welcome to the Straight Dope. I believe the column you're commenting on is Was The Texas Chain Saw Massacre based on a true story? (28-Mar-1997). It's always nice to have additional and alternative information to the Straight Dope column, so I'm glad you stopped by.
  #3  
Old 12-05-2007, 05:17 PM
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Bats? Post-traumatic stress disorder? Dead family members?

I think Bob Kane beat you to the punch, bub.
  #4  
Old 12-05-2007, 05:33 PM
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Well that clears that up.
  #5  
Old 12-05-2007, 06:52 PM
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It's true it - happened to me and not only did the bats kill me with chainsaws, they also ate all my carriage returns with their pointy little teeth.
  #6  
Old 12-05-2007, 07:27 PM
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There are no vampire bats in Arkansas.
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  #7  
Old 12-05-2007, 07:35 PM
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Well I never: gusen traskwood is a genuine Googlewhack. I've never seen one before.

(Just don't tell Dave Gorman; I don't want him to get eaten.)
  #8  
Old 12-05-2007, 08:35 PM
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Now that really is a cool movie plot. Ed Gein is a silly-willy compared to that kinda bat fueled action. Chainsawvictim, you need to get on the Hollywood horn with that, it's a winner.

And, as John W. Kennedy mentioned, vampire bats don't range much north of Mexico.
  #9  
Old 12-05-2007, 08:40 PM
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Now that really is a cool movie plot. Ed Gein is a silly-willy compared to that kinda bat fueled action. Chainsawvictim, you need to get on the Hollywood horn with that, it's a winner.

And, as John W. Kennedy mentioned, vampire bats don't range much north of Mexico. If you know of a colony of vampire bats in Arkansas, it would be a truly great find, and you'd get a whole lot of attention with that from eager biologists.
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Old 12-05-2007, 08:51 PM
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Looks like there's a ready made sequel
  #11  
Old 12-05-2007, 08:52 PM
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Paragraphs are your friends.
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  #12  
Old 12-05-2007, 08:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jjimm
Well I never: gusen traskwood is a genuine Googlewhack. I've never seen one before.
No it isn't. The rules for Googlewhacks are that they have to be 2 dictionary words, with definitions on www.dictionary.com or similar. Proper nouns don't count
  #13  
Old 12-06-2007, 02:53 AM
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Damn.
  #14  
Old 12-06-2007, 06:15 AM
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Paragraphs are your friends.
Shift keys are nice as well.
  #15  
Old 12-06-2007, 10:00 AM
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I can has bafflement?
  #16  
Old 12-06-2007, 10:06 AM
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Well, this should make dropzone happy, anyway.
  #17  
Old 12-06-2007, 10:48 AM
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There are no vampire bats in Arkansas.
Is there balm in Gilead?
  #18  
Old 12-06-2007, 02:43 PM
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I think Bob Kane beat you to the punch, bub.
Bob Keane as well! Wasn't Jeffy attacked by bats?
  #19  
Old 12-06-2007, 04:07 PM
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Well, this should make dropzone happy, anyway.
It brought a tear to my eye with its pure wackiness.
  #20  
Old 12-06-2007, 05:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chainsawvictum
...Anyone that had been attacked by bats...
We'll be able to identify these people by asking them to say "colour supplement."
  #21  
Old 12-06-2007, 05:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Mangetout
It's true it - happened to me and not only did the bats kill me with chainsaws, they also ate all my carriage returns with their pointy little teeth.

Bravo.
  #22  
Old 12-06-2007, 05:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by garygnu
We'll be able to identify these people by asking them to say "colour supplement."
Silly bunt.
.
  #23  
Old 12-06-2007, 06:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chainsawvictum
The real story is that Peter Gusen owned a dairy farm that was attacked by cave dwelling vampire bats. His cows kept getting attacked and so did the family over and over. They contracted rabies and he lost his mind. While the shots helped they didn't help the post tramactic stress disorder that came with the bat attacks. He became very affected and so did his family. He was in a church once that was attacked by bats and I was there. The bats attacked me and also crapped all over a crucifix with a gold Jesus on it and yes it was a catholic chruch. This man was very affected by vampires because of the bats and the invention of TV and vampire movies. Anyone that had been attacked by bats or had sharpteeth was subject to being taken to the farm for blood letting because in order for them not to attack the cows,sheeps, etc or attack his son who played with doodle bugs aka marbles outside at all hours of the night you had to give blood to him to sit outside so the bats could feed. His children later on in life that ran the butchering part of the farm became the terror of arkansas since it was here in Traskwood arkansas not texas that the massacure occured. He wore a cowhide mask in the butcher shop becasue it kept the blood off his face and so did the kids. One of the kids was really wild at the time over a female and he took over a neighboring farm and killed them one by one wearing the cowhide mask. They tracked him down in Saline County arkansas at the back of the small airport and it was a big thing he went to jail as a mass murderer under the name of Gusen not Hewitt. I am not a Gusen but I am one of the kidnapped by them to feed the bats. Somewhere in traskwood there is a cave full of bats that still come out to feed and yes the Guesn's are still alive and ride at night wearing the cowhide masks and terrorizing the whole saline,grant,and hotsprings county area only cause that's the area that they know. Any place else they get lost. Especilly if doodle is driving the truck cause he's the nervous one you know. Some do use other names so you never know when your talking to a gusen and you just might be kidnapped to feed the bats in Traskwood.-Dixonville area.
This whole thing is pure gold...GOLD, I tells ya. Remove the periods, add an interrupted sentence and you've got next year's Bulwar Lyton winner.
  #24  
Old 12-06-2007, 06:56 PM
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OMG!@ Chainsawvictum must have been messily chopped to bits by the saw-weilding siamese bats immediately after the post. We should do something.
  #25  
Old 12-06-2007, 07:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dropzone
It brought a tear to my eye with its pure wackiness.
Like manna from Heaven. We all need to PayPal this guy .50Ę and buy him a membership. I feel secure in the assumption that heís posting from the public library and has no money.
  #26  
Old 12-06-2007, 07:36 PM
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Also, I can reveal that he has a slight itch behind his left knee.
  #27  
Old 12-07-2007, 10:00 AM
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I'm still not convinced it isn't viral marketing for another TCM prequel, but if it isn't I'd like to buy the rights. I'm offering 3 cats-eye marbles, a piece of string, and a dead bird. Oh, and a pint of Mad Dog.

Last edited by dropzone; 12-07-2007 at 10:01 AM.
  #28  
Old 12-07-2007, 11:26 AM
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How long is the piece of string?

Regards,
Shodan
  #29  
Old 12-07-2007, 11:33 AM
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Why do you ask? Are you planning to outbid me? Because I can add a baseball that went through a lawnmower and a second pint of MD 20-20 if I have to.
  #30  
Old 12-07-2007, 12:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dropzone
I'm still not convinced it isn't viral marketing for another TCM prequel, but if it isn't I'd like to buy the rights. I'm offering 3 cats-eye marbles, a piece of string, and a dead bird. Oh, and a pint of Mad Dog.
I'll see your Mad Dog and raise you a Thunderbird.
  #31  
Old 12-07-2007, 12:38 PM
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I got three quarters of a bottle of Night Train that I'll toss into the mix.
  #32  
Old 12-07-2007, 03:07 PM
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I bid a case of Sudafed and the location of a poorly-guarded tank of anhydrous ammonia, and that's my final offer.
  #33  
Old 12-07-2007, 03:41 PM
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Wait, I have a question...so was it a Catholic church where the bats crapped on the crucifix?

Last edited by HelloKitty; 12-07-2007 at 03:43 PM. Reason: My bad: I see now that yes, yes, it WAS a Catholic church. Huh.
  #34  
Old 12-07-2007, 04:11 PM
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As a crucifix by definition has a representation of Jesus, which Protestant crosses pointedly lack, and this area is rural Arkansas, so it probably isn't an Eastern Rite church, Catholic could be assumed even if he hadn't specified.
  #35  
Old 12-08-2007, 11:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dropzone
As a crucifix by definition has a representation of Jesus, which Protestant crosses pointedly lack, and this area is rural Arkansas, so it probably isn't an Eastern Rite church, Catholic could be assumed even if he hadn't specified.
Not necessarily.Some rural Arkansan Protestant churches have crucifixes at some times of the year. Being practical bucolic congregations, though, they move the crucifixes into the cornfields in midsummer. They serve as scarecrows until harvest time.

Based on the "Get thee behind me" quote, two congregations even mount two crucifixes, back to back, in the field.
  #36  
Old 12-09-2007, 11:29 PM
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No way! That is so cool! I love it when remnants of Old Religions survive, and THAT ain't Popish.
  #37  
Old 12-19-2007, 05:58 AM
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...We should do something...
I just did.
  #38  
Old 12-19-2007, 08:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John W. Kennedy
There are no vampire bats in Arkansas.
The greatest trick that the vampire bats in Arkansas ever played was making the world think they didn't exist. You keep living your happy little life with them blinders on, mister.

ETA: Chainsaw Massacure sounds like a movie about a surgeon who uses extreme techniques.

Last edited by Baldwin; 12-19-2007 at 08:04 AM.
  #39  
Old 12-19-2007, 09:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baldwin
The greatest trick that the vampire bats in Arkansas ever played was making the world think they didn't exist. You keep living your happy little life with them blinders on, mister.

ETA: Chainsaw Massacure sounds like a movie about a surgeon who uses extreme techniques.
No, it's the sequel to Chainsaw Manacure
  #40  
Old 12-20-2007, 03:09 PM
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More likely a prequel.
  #41  
Old 12-20-2007, 06:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dropzone
I'm offering 3 cats-eye marbles, a piece of string, and a dead bird.
What's a dead bird good for, removing warts? Spunk water works better ya know.
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