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  #1  
Old 01-17-2008, 07:00 PM
Rubystreak Rubystreak is offline
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Begging to get back together... does it ever work out?

I'm sure this has come into my mind from watching some show or other, but I was thinking about how it never works out when one person in a relationship winds up cajoling, begging, or trying to convince the other not to break up, to give it another chance. Then I thought, eh, maybe it does work for some people, just never in my experience.

So, ever heard of a situation where a person was convinced against his or her better judgment to stay in a relationship when, in fact, the relationship ended up working out successfully?

Thanks.
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  #2  
Old 01-17-2008, 07:06 PM
Oy! Oy! is offline
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In my personal experience, not in the long run. However, I did know one guy who, upon finding the woman crying when he tried to dump her, ended up proposing marriage! I've long since lost touch with him, but as far as I know the marriage worked out fine.
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  #3  
Old 01-17-2008, 08:17 PM
BrainGlutton BrainGlutton is offline
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IME, begging alone doesn't work. You have to combine it with stalking.
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  #4  
Old 01-17-2008, 09:13 PM
ignis_glaciesque ignis_glaciesque is offline
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I have to agree with the chorus of those who say "not in the long run." If you were to beg your ex back, it would probably just reconstitute all that was wrong with the previous relationship, plus a few new problems picked up along the road. Nuh-uh. Exes are exes for a reason.
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  #5  
Old 01-17-2008, 09:19 PM
DrDeth DrDeth is offline
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No, begging does not work. A groveling apology can work.
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  #6  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:06 AM
Wargamer Wargamer is offline
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Is this the same as me begging my wife for a little lovin'?
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  #7  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:10 AM
Solfy Solfy is offline
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If you have to beg, presumably your (ex)partner does not want you. Sounds like a recipe for a lopsided and short-lived relationship to me.

Also not successful: Do not call your ex-girlfriend's mother and ask her to make your ex get back together with you.
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  #8  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:18 AM
Rachael Rage Rachael Rage is offline
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A little O/T but I hear a lot about people who have been together a while, then break up, then a few weeks or months later get back together and get married (e.g., maybe, Prince William and Kate Middleton). I always wonder if this is one person getting "cold feet" about committment, then soon realizing that s/he can't live without the other? The one couple I knew in my life who did this ended up getting divorced a few years later.
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  #9  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:20 AM
Mahna Mahna Mahna Mahna is offline
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Agreed, it never works in the long run... and I speak from experience here.

BTW, I'm assuming by begging we're talking about a case of unilateral breakups that aren't precipitated by a major offense on the part of the dumpee... the kind of breakup where one person is still very much in love and refuses to accept it's over because they thought they did everything right.

If cheating or lying or other sins are involved, then grovelling apology and promise never to repeat might work, so long as the sin is never repeated again and the partner is willing to forgive.
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  #10  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:53 AM
tdn tdn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mahna Mahna
If cheating or lying or other sins are involved, then grovelling apology and promise never to repeat might work, so long as the sin is never repeated again and the partner is willing to forgive.
Yep. That happened to a couple I knew. The husband ran off with a younger woman, then realized that he'd done a very stupid thing. He crawled back, and she took him back. Last I heard, they were very happy.

In the case of the dumper just not being into the dumpee any longer, it's over. You can't beg yourself into building attraction.
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  #11  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:56 AM
OneCentStamp OneCentStamp is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrainGlutton
IME, begging alone doesn't work. You have to combine it with stalking.
Still, without some good old fashioned bunny boiling, it's all for nought.
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  #12  
Old 01-18-2008, 12:48 PM
butler1850 butler1850 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wargamer
Is this the same as me begging my wife for a little lovin'?
No, that's called marriage.
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  #13  
Old 01-18-2008, 01:11 PM
Kalhoun Kalhoun is offline
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If the break-up was due to behavior rather than an attraction thing, then yes...it can work.
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  #14  
Old 01-18-2008, 01:40 PM
NurseCarmen NurseCarmen is offline
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It worked for my wife.
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  #15  
Old 01-18-2008, 02:31 PM
Solfy Solfy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Rage
A little O/T but I hear a lot about people who have been together a while, then break up, then a few weeks or months later get back together and get married (e.g., maybe, Prince William and Kate Middleton). I always wonder if this is one person getting "cold feet" about committment, then soon realizing that s/he can't live without the other? The one couple I knew in my life who did this ended up getting divorced a few years later.
I know a couple that did that. They went from dating to living together in the span of about two weeks. Four months later it was getting really serious and the guy apparently got cold feet and went away for the weekend with his ex-girlfriend. When his "regular" girlfriend found out, she moved back in with her mother under the condition that she not see him ever again.

She couldn't keep away, though. Less than a month later they were back together. She got pregnant Labor Day weekend. He suggested marriage. She refused to marry because of a baby, but they decided that they were headed that way in the first place (when he got cold feet) so they went for it. Her mother was not pleased and disowned her.

They were married November 6th and have stayed that way for 31yrs so far.

But as far as I know, there was no begging involved.
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  #16  
Old 01-18-2008, 09:10 PM
Red1980 Red1980 is offline
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Wow... begging to get back together. I could not see myself doing something like that. If I have to go that far, then it's probably not worth it. I could also never swallow my pride like that.
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  #17  
Old 01-18-2008, 09:54 PM
Shodan Shodan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butler1850
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wargamer
Is this the same as me begging my wife for a little lovin'?
No, that's called marriage.
No, it's called foreplay.

Regards,
Shodan
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  #18  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:12 PM
nevermore nevermore is offline
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As many have already said, it depends on the reason for breaking up.

A deal-breaking behavior can be modified, if attraction and desire still exist, and it can work out if the badly behaving partner actually changes. My SO and I very nearly broke up over this sort of thing, but she convinced me the behavior would not happen again, so I gave her another chance, which I'm very glad for nearly two years later.

If the attraction itself has waned, well, you're kinda SOL. Never heard of anyone falling out of love and back in it with the same person.
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  #19  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:36 PM
bufftabby bufftabby is offline
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I think begging during or directly after the breakup is pretty much futile, but perhaps when months have passed by it can work. For me, it was a mutual breakup that I could have undone but I was determined not to get back together. About a year later, I realized I had been a dumbass, and I wanted my man back, dammit. After a bit of begging and convincing etc., we got back together and have been for the past year, very happily. But on the other hand, this inspired a friend to do the same with her ex-boyfriend, and she was completely unsuccessful, so I don't think my experience was typical.
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  #20  
Old 01-18-2008, 11:00 PM
Rubystreak Rubystreak is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nevermore
A deal-breaking behavior can be modified, if attraction and desire still exist, and it can work out if the badly behaving partner actually changes.
I guess I don't believe anyone really changes. They say they will, they do for a little while, but if you're asking them to alter something inherent about themselves, it's a mug's game. In the immortal words of Stevie Nicks, "The sea changes color, but the sea does not change."

Obviously YMMV.
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  #21  
Old 01-19-2008, 09:29 AM
Oy! Oy! is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubystreak
I guess I don't believe anyone really changes. They say they will, they do for a little while, but if you're asking them to alter something inherent about themselves, it's a mug's game. In the immortal words of Stevie Nicks, "The sea changes color, but the sea does not change."

Obviously YMMV.

I very much tend to agree, but my question here would be which behavior was the aberration? Sometimes people screw up in a way that is totally out of character, and do something that they've never done before and never will do again.
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  #22  
Old 01-19-2008, 11:52 AM
herownself herownself is offline
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Been begged. Two different guys. (Geez was Atlanta weird). Never worked out.

Some very hot begging sex can happen, though ...
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  #23  
Old 01-19-2008, 12:03 PM
Speaker for the Dead Speaker for the Dead is offline
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Yeah, it'll almost inevitably lead to an unbalanced relationship, unless there's been some major screwup that the begger wants to fix. Normally though, it just doesn't work for me. In fact, in a post-breakup discussion with my most recent ex (on the topic of negotiating getting back together), one of her conditions was that I come "crawling back." Needless to say, that was a no go.
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  #24  
Old 01-19-2008, 12:26 PM
Cub Mistress Cub Mistress is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tdn
Yep. That happened to a couple I knew. The husband ran off with a younger woman, then realized that he'd done a very stupid thing. He crawled back, and she took him back. Last I heard, they were very happy.

In the case of the dumper just not being into the dumpee any longer, it's over. You can't beg yourself into building attraction.
I've seen this exactly once. In the case I know, the husband even married the younger woman, then cheated on her with his first wife. Eventually he divorced second wife and has been very happy with first wife for some ten years now. I just shake my head, but it has worked for them.
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  #25  
Old 01-19-2008, 12:28 PM
Gestalt Gestalt is offline
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In regards to those who believe that people don't really change:

Really? I definitely think people can work on behaviors they know are problematic and seek to change.

I personally have been told by more than one ex in the past that I was too needy. It's something I've actively worked on building more self-confidence and emotional self-reliance, because I realize it's a character flaw. I've tried approaching an ex again saying something like, "I really like you and I agree that how I acted was inappropriate. If we were to date, I'd really work on not being needy." He didn't take me back, but I don't consider that begging, per se. That was literally what I said and we left it at that.

Gestalt.

Last edited by Gestalt; 01-19-2008 at 12:30 PM..
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  #26  
Old 01-19-2008, 12:47 PM
HazelNutCoffee HazelNutCoffee is offline
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Ugh. This thread reminds me of this whole drama I went through with one of my closest friends, who declared he was in love with me a few months before we started college. He did this every year until we graduated. The last time he did this I agreed to go on a few dates with him, but it didn't work for me at all, and I told him so. He begged me to give it a few more tries; I refused. The next week he signed up for the Army.

(Mind you, this was back in Korea, so he would have had to go to the Army eventually anyway, but he didn't have to go right then; plus his original plan was to do the whole ROTC thing. I felt terrible after he signed up, but both of us eventually got over it.)
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  #27  
Old 01-19-2008, 01:06 PM
Rubystreak Rubystreak is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gestalt
"I really like you and I agree that how I acted was inappropriate. If we were to date, I'd really work on not being needy." He didn't take me back, but I don't consider that begging, per se. That was literally what I said and we left it at that.

Gestalt.
How exactly do you work on not being needy?

I think people might change because time passes, they grow up, or something major happens to them that affects who they are. I don't think people can change to please other people.
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  #28  
Old 01-19-2008, 01:18 PM
Gestalt Gestalt is offline
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In my case, it was related to low self-esteem, I went to therapy and worked on fulfilling my own emotional needs. Now when I feel an urge to call someone when I'm sad or stressed or whatever, I instead calm myself down, take ten minutes or so to meditate and remove myself from the situation, and then return to life as usual. Then, several hours later, like that night or the next day, if it's still bothering me, then I might call a friend to talk. And I'm working to get to the point where I don't even have to do that.

Basically, dealing with a problem on my own rather than leaning on someone else. And I've made a lot of strides.


Furthermore, I changed because I realized it was A Bad Thing, that was objectively a problem, not something that didn't happen to suit one person.

I'm surprised so many people think that others can't change. By that logic, no needy person would have have a relationship, because everyone is turned off by it.

Gestalt.

Last edited by Gestalt; 01-19-2008 at 01:19 PM..
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  #29  
Old 01-19-2008, 01:21 PM
Gestalt Gestalt is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rubystreak
I don't think people can change to please other people.

Why not, if that is a strong enough motivation? What if someone in a couple is like, "You nag too freaking much, this has to end or I will leave." How is it so unlikely that the other part of the couple won't be like, "okay, I understand and will try to nag you less"? Don't couples do this all the time? Make compromises for each other?

Gestalt

Last edited by Gestalt; 01-19-2008 at 01:22 PM..
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  #30  
Old 01-19-2008, 01:22 PM
HazelNutCoffee HazelNutCoffee is offline
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Of course people can change. I think the difference is trying to change because you yourself realize you need to change, and trying to change just for the sake of pleasing someone else. "I need to be less needy because it's unhealthy for me" vs "I need to be less needy because Bob will dump me otherwise."
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  #31  
Old 01-19-2008, 02:52 PM
Rubystreak Rubystreak is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gestalt
I'm surprised so many people think that others can't change. By that logic, no needy person would have have a relationship, because everyone is turned off by it.

Gestalt.
Everyone is NOT turned off by it. There are a lot of people in relationships that thrive off neediness. Not the kind of relationship that you might want, but they do exist.

Also, what HazelNutCoffee said. You change because you want to, not to please someone else. That's a recipe for backsliding and resentment. It takes a LOT to change who you are. The reasons have to be fundamental, not externally imposed.
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