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  #1  
Old 03-16-2008, 05:06 PM
Beware of Doug Beware of Doug is offline
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How to Kick a Man in the Balls

http://www.ehow.com/how_2064554_kick-guy-balls.html

Note that this comes to us from "eHow's Relationship and Family Editor." Is she aware that a kick in the balls generally ends a relationship and can even jeopardize the kickee's chance at a family?
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  #2  
Old 03-16-2008, 05:21 PM
Ice Cream Man Ice Cream Man is offline
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I'd love to see the response to a similar article where the genders were reversed. Lovely. Does this mean the author is a misandrist?
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  #3  
Old 03-16-2008, 05:36 PM
A Priori Tea A Priori Tea is offline
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Hmmm... maybe a companion article - How to Slap That Bitch a Good One when She's Asking For It.

Had I an eHow account, I'd flag it as inappropriate. Ice Cream Man - the author might or might not be misandrist, but the article certainly is.
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  #4  
Old 03-16-2008, 05:55 PM
Shakes Shakes is online now
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When I was a teenager me and this girl were horse playing in the pool. (We were trying to dunk each others heads under the water). For some reason this girl thought it would be funny to knee me in the balls.

I instinctively nailed her in the face. She ran home crying I limped home in pain.

The next day this girls father come pounding on my door. He's bitching at my mother telling her what a prick I am. I got involved with the conversation and told him my side of the story. (or in other words the truth)

He acted as if it wasn't a big deal and I should have shrugged it off. He changed his story real quick when I took him into the other room, dropped my pants and showed him the black and blue bruise I had on my nutsack.

I felt weired doing that but the fucker was pissing me off.
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  #5  
Old 03-16-2008, 07:26 PM
ASAKMOTSD ASAKMOTSD is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SHAKES
He acted as if it wasn't a big deal and I should have shrugged it off.
I bet he would have declined an invitation to demo that on him, though.
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  #6  
Old 03-16-2008, 08:16 PM
TokyoBayer TokyoBayer is offline
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When I was first in Japan, many, many, many moons ago, I was walking home about 10 at night, which took me through the night entertainment district. There was an inebriated couple, having a great time. The well-dressed, beautiful woman must have decided it would be hilarious to hit him in the balls. Without batting an eye, she brought her arm from a folded start and just nailed his balls.

Iíve never seen anyone drop to the pavement so quickly.

In the meanwhile, the woman keep on laughing.
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  #7  
Old 03-16-2008, 08:23 PM
Misnomer Misnomer is offline
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Am I the only one who bothered to scroll down?

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Article
Tips & Warnings
*Kicking or hitting someone is considered assault and can be prosecuted by the law. This article is intended for good-natured fun.
*Quite a bit of damage can be done to a man when he is kicked in the balls. Impairing his ability to have children is just the tip of the iceberg. Before you kick a guy in the balls, seriously consider the consequences.
It's a joke, folks. A similarly lighthearted article titled "How to Bitch Slap That Ho" would be equally as funny (to me, anyway).
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  #8  
Old 03-16-2008, 09:07 PM
Boyo Jim Boyo Jim is offline
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Doesn't the idiot know that you can't kick a man in the balls with your knee. Kneeing a man in the balls is a whole different, more intimate, thing.
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  #9  
Old 03-16-2008, 09:58 PM
Beware of Doug Beware of Doug is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Misnomer
Am I the only one who bothered to scroll down?
No, but why would I want to give it away?

Besides, the idea of a "Relationship and Family Editor" writing about kicking someone in the balls is priceless.
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  #10  
Old 03-16-2008, 10:31 PM
Duck Duck Goose Duck Duck Goose is offline
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Actually--seriously--I have a factoid in my head from some "self-defense for women" magazine filler that says that if you're gonna kick a guy in the balls, don't aim your toecap for his nutsack the way you'd kick a soccer ball, because you might end up only kicking him in the upper thigh. Painful, yes, but not immobilizing. We were advised to think of it instead as kicking him with the ankle, IOW, bring your ankle up underneath his crotch, not your pointy ballerina toe.
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  #11  
Old 03-16-2008, 10:51 PM
Boyo Jim Boyo Jim is offline
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A ballerina toe kick costs extra.
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  #12  
Old 03-16-2008, 11:05 PM
Grey area Grey area is offline
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El Guapo's tips. I think they only work if you're Bas Rutten though.
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  #13  
Old 03-16-2008, 11:10 PM
Spoons Spoons is offline
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From the link:

Quote:
Step 3: Use your feminine wiles to endear the man to you. This will build a bond of trust and re-enforce the safe atmosphere that the man is feeling before you kick him in the balls.
"Dear Abby, I tried to build a bond of trust and a safe atmosphere before kicking him in the balls, but my boyfriend just won't commit. Why are men so commitment-phobic? Signed, Rockette."
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  #14  
Old 03-17-2008, 09:27 AM
Aangelica Aangelica is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Duck Duck Goose
Actually--seriously--I have a factoid in my head from some "self-defense for women" magazine filler that says that if you're gonna kick a guy in the balls, don't aim your toecap for his nutsack the way you'd kick a soccer ball, because you might end up only kicking him in the upper thigh. Painful, yes, but not immobilizing. We were advised to think of it instead as kicking him with the ankle, IOW, bring your ankle up underneath his crotch, not your pointy ballerina toe.
This is also what my sensei (who teaches self-defense courses for college-aged women) recommends.

Of course, my sensei also recommends (depending on his knowledge of your aiming abilities) that, rather than kicking a man in the balls, you kick him in the knee. Better chance of immobilizing him, and less chance he'll be able to effectively deflect or ward it off. Easier to block a balls-kick than a kneecap. Plus, if someone is trying to protect a knee, they almost have to bend over some - then you can just kick them in the face. Besides, a good, hard kick to the knee stands a pretty good chance of dislocating the joint. A guy might, possibly be able to chase you if you kick him in the sack (unlikely, but possible) if he's drunk, stoned or angry enough. A person who's just had their knee dislocated isn't chasing anyone anywhere.
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  #15  
Old 03-17-2008, 10:33 AM
Omi no Kami Omi no Kami is offline
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One of my friends from highschool was a complete tomboy, and prone to (jovially) punching, poking, and lightly kicking friends of either gender. Now she had learned early that the thighs and rearquarters of men tended to be really great targets, as they could absorb a lot of the impact without doing much permanent damage. Now, I should note that none of the guys she knew seemed to care, as she tended to have terrible aim.

Pay attention to that last part, because it's going to be fairly important in a moment. As it turns out, on top of having terrible aim she and all of her fourteen years had apparently never seen a naked guy, or if she had she must've had a really terrible sense of spatial relations. In any event, she was unaware of the fact that if, upon being teased by a guy friend who has back to you, you try to kick him between the legs from behind as hard as you can, you have a significantly better chance of tagging him in the Benjamins than you do of getting anywhere near his actual rear.

To this day she insists it was an accident, but I always had my doubts.

Last edited by Omi no Kami; 03-17-2008 at 10:33 AM..
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  #16  
Old 03-17-2008, 12:46 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spoons
"Dear Abby, I tried to build a bond of trust and a safe atmosphere before kicking him in the balls, but my boyfriend just won't commit. Why are men so commitment-phobic? Signed, Rockette."
DEAR ROCKETTE: You need to stop and smell the coffee, dear. This man may have been hurt in the past, and is afraid to commit at the current time. If he does, he is likely to hurt you. You need to beat him to the punch. So stop and smell the coffee, then ask him to smell it as well. When he comes a little closer to do so, boom, introduce your Prada to his stones.
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  #17  
Old 03-18-2008, 08:30 AM
Zebra Zebra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SHAKES
He acted as if it wasn't a big deal and I should have shrugged it off. He changed his story real quick when I took him into the other room, dropped my pants and showed him the black and blue bruise I had on my nutsack.

I felt weired doing that but the fucker was pissing me off.

I have never had brusing result from a hit to the balls.
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  #18  
Old 03-18-2008, 08:58 AM
The Weird One The Weird One is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zebra
I have never had brusing result from a hit to the balls.
Then you clearly haven't been doing it right. I advise you to re-read the article and practice at home.


Disclaimer: I do not advocate testicular violence for amusement or any other purpose than self-defense.
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  #19  
Old 03-18-2008, 09:29 AM
Quartz Quartz is offline
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The article seems to have been disappeared.
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  #20  
Old 03-18-2008, 10:34 AM
One Day Fish Sale One Day Fish Sale is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quartz
The article seems to have been disappeared.
Found it in Google's cache.
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  #21  
Old 03-18-2008, 03:18 PM
phouka phouka is online now
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Speaking as a fan of testicles and those who come with testicles as standard equipment, I thought it was a rather "meh" article. Testicle-kicking should be reserved only for situations where one is under immediate threat, and a kick to the kneecap is almost always preferable.

Besides, positive reinforcement works so much better. Praise the balls! Love the balls! Kiss the balls, and hug the balls, and name the balls George! Don't kick the balls.

I once accidentally kicked a coworker in the balls. He was standing behind me, tapping my head with a pen. I kicked backward, trying to hit his knee, so he would leave me alone. Either I was seriously off-target, he was a looooowww hanger, or he'd decided to do a plie at just the wrong moment. When I realized what had happened, I . . . laughed. It was wrong of me and bad, but he never bugged me after that.
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  #22  
Old 03-18-2008, 03:41 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phouka
Besides, positive reinforcement works so much better. Praise the balls! Love the balls! Kiss the balls, and hug the balls, and name the balls George!
So... Are you ticklish?

Last edited by tdn; 03-18-2008 at 03:41 PM..
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  #23  
Old 03-18-2008, 07:08 PM
Beware of Doug Beware of Doug is offline
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They can't both be George...George and Ira? George and Leo? George and Lenny, if one of them is a little underdeveloped?
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  #24  
Old 03-18-2008, 10:46 PM
Boyo Jim Boyo Jim is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beware of Doug
They can't both be George...George and Ira? George and Leo? George and Lenny, if one of them is a little underdeveloped?
George and Louise. Together, they're the Jeffersons.
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  #25  
Old 03-18-2008, 11:31 PM
JHWT JHWT is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SHAKES
When I was a teenager me and this girl were horse playing in the pool. (We were trying to dunk each others heads under the water). For some reason this girl thought it would be funny to knee me in the balls.

I instinctively nailed her in the face. She ran home crying I limped home in pain.
I've seen something like this at a club in Jersey, except the two weren't friends, and he hit her in the chin so hard she was out before she fell back to the floor. He immediately realized what he'd done, and then realized he was in a club full of juiced up Guidos. Never seen someone run as fast as he did. Lightning fast reflexes can be more trouble than they're worth.
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  #26  
Old 03-19-2008, 10:54 AM
Troy McClure SF Troy McClure SF is offline
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Just for shits n giggles, here's one of my friends surprising another friend coming out of the bathroom with a fist to the balls. (Cruel, yes, but their entire friendship is fairly cruel. And amusing.)
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  #27  
Old 03-19-2008, 11:52 AM
pbbth pbbth is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beware of Doug
They can't both be George...George and Ira? George and Leo? George and Lenny, if one of them is a little underdeveloped?
What if you called them The Testicles Collectively Known as George?
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  #28  
Old 03-19-2008, 12:02 PM
lieu lieu is offline
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Wilson and Spalding.

Troy, that guy knocks the r out of friendship.
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  #29  
Old 05-17-2008, 08:09 AM
Beware of Doug Beware of Doug is offline
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I forgot Gilbert and George.
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