How will Character X die?

[Skald the Rhymer]

No spoiler warning because this thread is about taking wild-ass guesses with no factual support whatsodamnever. Pretend you work for the CIA.

Some characters' eventual ways of death are easy to predict. Buffy Summers will be a half-second too slow to dodge a vampire one day. Gregory House is a murder waiting to happen. Jimmy Olsen will hit his signal watch with two seconds to spare when Clark is three seconds away.

But other characters are harder, and thus have more amusement potential. How will Perry Cox from Scrubs bite it? What about Jean-Luc Picard? Or Ally McBeal?

Anybody? Bueller?

[Chimera]

Jean-Luc will take his entire ship and crew with him as he continues his life-long pattern of dallying while his ship is taking a pounding. Apparently no higher up has ever sat him down for an engagement review and asked him why his ship was under fire for several minutes before he bothered to return fire.

[cmkeller]

Gonzo the Great will die choking on a chicken bone.

Because the Heimlich maneuver can't be properly done to the musical accompaniment of Handel's Messiah while hopping up and down on a trampoline.

[Lobohan]

Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer

Anybody? Bueller?

Ferris Bueller will die of congestive heart failure at 60. He will have been working in middle management an the shipping department of a major furniture making business. His wife, who he never really loved, will remarry in less than a year. His children will remember a broken man who spent too much time at work and dreamed about a boat that he would never buy.

[Skald the Rhymer]

Originally Posted by Lobohan

Ferris Bueller will die of congestive heart failure at 60. He will have been working in middle management an the shipping department of a major furniture making business. His wife, who he never really loved, will remarry in less than a year. His children will remember a broken man who spent too much time at work and dreamed about a boat that he would never buy.

Okay, except for the never-really-loved-hiw-wife part, you're talking about ME. Stop it!

[mswas]

Originally Posted by Chimera

Jean-Luc will take his entire ship and crew with him as he continues his life-long pattern of dallying while his ship is taking a pounding. Apparently no higher up has ever sat him down for an engagement review and asked him why his ship was under fire for several minutes before he bothered to return fire.

'Because I am a character in Star Trek sir. Other than Kirk and spock we are all irredeemable pansies.'

'The finding of this tribunal is that there are no problems with Captain Picard's actions, it's true, we ARE all irredeemable pansies in the United Federation of Hippies...I mean planets.

[Elendil's Heir]

Homer Simpson and Krusty the Clown will die of heart attacks after years of overeating.
Marge Simpson will die of a heart attack, too, but hers will be stress-related.
A teenage Bart Simpson will be shot dead by Apu after robbing the Kwik-E-Mart one time too many.
Lisa Simpson will die peacefully in her sleep at a ripe old age, and will be given a state funeral due to her service as President of the United States (and the only yellow one, at that).
Maggie Simpson will die of diaper rash.

[Annie-Xmas]

Leroy Jethro Gibbs will be found stabbed to death in his office. His killer will never be found, mostly because his staff members will not be looking that hard.

[FriarTed]

Hollywood Playboy/Double-Naught Agent and Brain Surgeon Jethro Bodine died at a ripe old age after bringing in the trolley car he was conducting to a safe stop.

His next-of-kin Elly Mae Clampett-Drysdale will host a memorial service to him by the cement pond and afterwards feed him to her critters.

[silenus]

Sheldon Cooper will be shot by an impatient robber while arguing about the demand that Sheldon "give me all your money," while it is obvious to anyone that all his money isn't in his wallet., and that money is merely an abstract concept anyway.

[Lobohan]

Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer

Okay, except for the never-really-loved-hiw-wife part, you're talking about ME. Stop it!

Skald the Rhymer will die with a thirty inch shard of hardened aluminum transfixing both lungs and his heart. He will fall to his knees and give a last, meaningful glance at the video camera beaming a live feed to every nation on earth and silently mouth the secret phrase that he and his wife use as a playful proxy for "I love you."

Behind him there will be a dozen dead super-terrorists and the evil mastermind known as Von Devilhat will be propped up against his now inert doomsday machine holding his entrails in and shivering against blood loss and shock.

On the monument will be built on that site, the site where Skald the Rhymer saved the world, there will be a 10 meter statue of the man. Many liberties will be taken with its depiction, it is after all an idealized view of a man to whom the world owes so much. Most noticeable however, amid the steely face and rippling muscles is the almost comic immensity of his bronzed package.

[Annie-Xmas]

silenus please find a way to get that scenerio to the writers of The Big Bang Theory. All but the shooting of course.

[Ephemera]

Originally Posted by mswas

'Because I am a character in Star Trek sir. Other than Kirk and spock we are all irredeemable pansies.'

'The finding of this tribunal is that there are no problems with Captain Picard's actions, it's true, we ARE all irredeemable pansies in the United Federation of Hippies...I mean planets.

Not watched much DS9, have you? Sisko poisoned an entire planet to get revenge on an officer that betrayed him.

[ivylass]

Turk and JD will die together, of old age, happily married and living in Vermont. Carla is still friends with Turk, but is enjoying an affair with Cox, who never really got over her. Eliot dies alone, surrounded by cats.

[smiling bandit]

Originally Posted by Aesiron

Not watched much DS9, have you? Sisko poisoned an entire planet to get revenge on an officer that betrayed him.

That's true. But he would never admit to himself what a monster he was. He refused to acknoledge he wasn't a perfect model fo a Federation officer.

[Skald the Rhymer]

Originally Posted by ivylass

Turk and JD will die together, of old age, happily married and living in Vermont. Carla is still friends with Turk, but is enjoying an affair with Cox, who never really got over her. Eliot dies alone, surrounded by cats.

Seems more likely to me that Carla & Eliot would take up with one another, I should think. She herself fantasized about it and said it would be simpler, and she likes bossing Eliot around nearly as much as she does Turk. Besides, it would offer the opportunity for the occasional four-way, about which Carla would be neutral but at which the other three would jump.

Though actually a JD-Turk-Carla three-way is what would lead to the Turkleton divorce.

[mswas]

Originally Posted by Aesiron

Not watched much DS9, have you? Sisko poisoned an entire planet to get revenge on an officer that betrayed him.

No I didn't. I guess the pansiness is just TNG.

[mswas]

Ok I'll revise mine.

Captain Picard planetside learns in a very brutal and messy fashion why you don't send the bridge crew on the away team, and splurge for an uber-cool team of Space Marines in the studio budget instead.

[Ranchoth]

James Bond: slips away peacefully at the age of 108, while taking a nap break from beekeeping at his Dartmoor estate.

Drizzt Do'Urden: A combination of mitrailleuse and arquebus fire while trying to charge an infantry square.

[Uosdwis R. Dewoh]

Originally Posted by Elendil's Heir

A teenage Bart Simpson will be shot dead by Apu after robbing the Kwik-E-Mart one time too many.
Lisa Simpson will die peacefully in her sleep at a ripe old age, and will be given a state funeral due to her service as President of the United States (and the only yellow one, at that).

Nonsense. Bart Simpson will die of a heart attack at the ripe old age of 86. After serving 38 years as the Chief justice of the supreme court, he was widely considered one of most competent men to serve at that post.

Retired from being the head of female studies at Yale university, Lisa Simpson will die of lung cancer at the age of 92.

[Annie-Xmas]

Rhett Butler--Will die of an "accidental" self-inflicted gunshot wound shortly after leaving Scarlett.

Katie Scarlett O'Hara Hamlton Kennedy Butler Watling--Will die at age 90, having been married to Rhett Watling, the illegitimate son of Belle Watling, for 60 years.

Ashley Wilkes--Will die of age 70, having been the constant companion of Wade Hamilton for 30 years. Wade will die two days later of an "accidental" self-inflicted gunshot wound.

[Ponderoid]

Gary Hobson thwarts several mob hits. The mob boss doesn't let it go quietly, and orders Hobson dead. After several days of narrow escapes, the hitman breaks into Gary's apartment, and waits for him to come home. Garry arrives home in the wee hours, after the Paper's daily deadline, and the hitman completes his assignment successfully.

John Amsterdam, having blown off his one true love, outlives human civilization and goes stark raving mad after the rest of humanity goes extinct. A frozen dessicated being with only passing resemblence to a human finally expires some googol years later with the heat death of the Universe.

Elliot Stabler is convicted of perjury after a defendant he helped put away was exonerated by new evidence. Stabler gets shivved while in prison.

MacGyver dies of self-inflicted injuries sustained when he attempted to construct a plot device out of pieces of his own body.

Bo and Luke Duke die in a 15mph fender bender, because they weren't wearing their seat belts.

*** Ponder

[ivylass]

Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer

Seems more likely to me that Carla & Eliot would take up with one another, I should think. She herself fantasized about it and said it would be simpler, and she likes bossing Eliot around nearly as much as she does Turk. Besides, it would offer the opportunity for the occasional four-way, about which Carla would be neutral but at which the other three would jump.

Though actually a JD-Turk-Carla three-way is what would lead to the Turkleton divorce.

Well, I didn't want to get too fan-wanky.

Lost...the entire island blows up and they all die, just like they should have done when the plane crashed.

(Why no, I'm not watching the new season. Why do you ask?)

[Annie-Xmas]

Abby on NCIS takes off a piece of studded jewelry to run a test, then trips and impales herself on it.

[Chimera]

Riffing off FriarTed;

Jed Clampett dies with a smile on his face, surrounded by three beautiful escorts, having finally figured out what all that money can do for him.

His last words; "Well doggies!"

[Chimera]

At the age of 15, Will Robinson dies of blood loss after a violent sexual assault by Dr. Smith, who has also disabled the robot. Dr. Smith dies moments later from severe head trauma after having been caught in the act by Major West.

Major West never tells the Robinson family what happened. As far as they know, Will, Dr. Smith and the Robot simply disappeared.

[Der Trihs]

Honor Harrington : Dies in a space battle where she is outnumbered heavily, yet by her sacrifice victory is achieved. Her treecat Nimitz dies with her ( David Weber's wife has demanded they die together if they die at all, I've heard ).

Victor Cachat : Probably something like blowing the fusion bottle on a ship he's trapped on, crewed by fascists. AFTER he makes sure they know he's about to do so.

[ivylass]

Pushing Daisies

Ned and Chuck figure out how to touch without Ned killing her, have three babies, and live happily ever after, surrounded by pies.

Olive meets up with the holistic guy, and helps Ned expand The Pie Hole into a successful franchise.

Emerson finds his daughter, who is a successful opthamologist. She fixes Lily's eye, and Viv and Lily revive their Darling Mermaid Darling sychronized swimming act.

[KneadToKnow]

Mulder: autoerotic asphyxiation
Scully: doesn't

(oh, are canon answers not allowed?)

[Chimera]

Gilligan screws up one too many rescue plans and is tied up and buried alive by Skipper and the Professor with the blessings of the rest of the castaways. When they are finally rescued, they claim that he was lost at sea in the storm that shipwrecked them.

Admiral Janeway dies in a "transporter accident" on a routine mission. While two crew members are charged and there is some talk of a "conspiracy" behind this, no evidence is ultimately uncovered and the entire thing is dropped. One of the charged crew members is demoted for incompetence, the other is allowed to resign from Starfleet.

Eddie Haskel becomes a racist cop and is killed in the 60's race riots.

Kwai Chang Kane finally fights a villain who doesn't move in slow motion.

Professor Wickwire disappears into the Orb and is never seen again.
Lord Bowler dies peacefully in bed at the ripe old age of 104. (RIP Julius Carry)

[Skald the Rhymer]

Originally Posted by Chimera

Admiral Janeway dies in a "transporter accident" on a routine mission. While two crew members are charged and there is some talk of a "conspiracy" behind this, no evidence is ultimately uncovered and the entire thing is dropped. One of the charged crew members is demoted for incompetence, the other is allowed to resign from Starfleet.

Impossible. Incompetent Starfleet officers get PROMOTED, as might be indicated by the fact that Janeway made Admiral.

[GythaOgg]

Sheriff Jack Carter literally disintegrates behind his desk, after years of radiation, chemical, and god-knows-what exposure on the job as Eureka's unofficial guinea pig finally catch up with him.

Douglas Fargo pushes one button too many.

[Sleel]

Ally McBeal: Her delusional episodes and hallucinations continued to infringe on her perceptions of the real world and increase to the point where she began to have problems reconciling the two. She was committed to an institution after having a serious episode at work, where she destroyed half her office in a vain attempt to keep the "fardnits" from getting her, while running from the dancing baby, who according to her had sprouted fangs and barbed skin.

The fardnits are apparently an insect-like infestation of beings from another dimension who usually manifested in her food, which is why she lost weight so dramatically as she was unable to eat much without interference from this delusion. Before they managed to restrain her, she had torn rents in her clothing and skin and was attempting to break one of the outside office windows by banging on it with her forehead so that she could jump.

After being stabilized and released on a provisionary basis, she eventually went off her meds in an attempt to recapture some of the fun of her formerly rich interior world. Unfortunately, she quickly fell into a downward spiral and committed suicide in order to be with Billy again. One bright note in all this is that as she plunged to her death she saw Billy as an angel come to take her with him.

[Pushkin]

Originally Posted by mswas

'Because I am a character in Star Trek sir. Other than Kirk and spock we are all irredeemable pansies.'

Speaking of Kirk, I always saw him dying of something itchy he picked up from one of those Orion slave girls.

Falling off a bridge is a bit of a step down from that really.

[Skald the Rhymer]

Originally Posted by Sleel

Ally McBeal: Her delusional episodes and hallucinations continued to infringe on her perceptions of the real world and increase to the point where she began to have problems reconciling the two. She was committed to an institution after having a serious episode at work, where she destroyed half her office in a vain attempt to keep the "fardnits" from getting her, while running from the dancing baby, who according to her had sprouted fangs and barbed skin.

The fardnits are apparently an insect-like infestation of beings from another dimension who usually manifested in her food, which is why she lost weight so dramatically as she was unable to eat much without interference from this delusion. Before they managed to restrain her, she had torn rents in her clothing and skin and was attempting to break one of the outside office windows by banging on it with her forehead so that she could jump.

After being stabilized and released on a provisionary basis, she eventually went off her meds in an attempt to recapture some of the fun of her formerly rich interior world. Unfortunately, she quickly fell into a downward spiral and committed suicide in order to be with Billy again. One bright note in all this is that as she plunged to her death she saw Billy as an angel come to take her with him.

The only problem with this scenario is that it's entirely too likely.

[TWDuke]

Richard Bucket phoned the police early yesterday morning to report the death of his wife, Hyacinth Bucket. Her body was discovered in bed with signs of blunt trauma, suffocation, and multiple stab wounds. An inquest determined she died of natural causes. When asked for comment her grieving husband snapped, "It's pronounced Bucket!" (Keeping Up Appearances)

[Sigmagirl]

She should die from kicking the bucket.

[KneadToKnow]

Andy Travis, eaten by a bear while camping
Arthur Carlson, heart attack in his sleep
John Caravella, liver failure (hepatitis C-related)
Jennifer Marlowe, multiple system failure at age 119
Les Nessman, skull fracture (fell in shower)
Herb Tarlek, patricide
Gordon Simms, hyperthermia (dance club-related)
Bailey Quarters, sexual misadventure (hentai-related)

[AllWalker]

Care-A-Lot is left deserted and abandoned after the Carebears are quickly killed off by a combition of chronic UV exposure, weather, unfortunate international flight routes and insanity, the latter being left untreated as mild personality "quirks".

[What Exit?]

As someone already did WKRP:

Alex Reiger is sadly shot dead in 1987 while driving his cab. He was robbed for $47 and some loose change.

Louie De Palma changes his name and ends up serving as VP of the US from 2001 to 2008.

Elaine O'Connor-Nardo Married again, divorced again, marries a final time. She ran a successful if small art gallery in New Hope Pennsylvania until she died of ovarian cancer at the age of 72. She was a cancer survivor for 5 year though and got to see 6 grandkids growing up.

Latka Gravas His mental problems returned and he picked a fight with a large younger man on the subway and was knifed to death. He was not mourned by this time having alienated all of his friends.

Reverend Jim Ignatowski successfully started a chain of Jim's Mario's and ended up richer than his dad. He was very happy and spent his waning years helping the poor and fighting for a cleaner environment. He died at age 70 but died happy living in San Francisco and smoking medical marijuana.

Tony Banta strangely fell into a successful acting career though always playing characters named Tony. He stayed in shape and lived to 87. He acted right up to the end playing old man Tony in a kids show that took place in NYC.

Bobby Wheeler never really made it in acting and drifted into first soft-core porn and drug addiction. He was found dead, beaten by some homophobic psychotics that also killed his John for the night. He was only 35.

Jeff Bennett stayed in NYC until he retired. Never a big success but doing OK. He retired to Georgia and lived to the ripe old age of 103.

Zena Sherman married a wonderful man and lived happily ever after. She passed away at age 83 quietly in her sleep on Easter Sunday. She was mourned but also celebrated for living a good and happy life where she touched the lives of many others.

Simka Dahblitz-Gravas divorced Latka in 1985. She married a successful stockbroker and had one daughter. She was sadly killed while on vacation in the Caribbean by a Hurricane. She was only 48.

John Burns was never seen again but it is believe he went upstairs to visit his brother Chuck.

[KneadToKnow]

I'm so glad about Jeff.

:wipes tear:


Mike Brady, shot by neighbor after being caught in flagrante delicto with neighbor's 19-year-old daughter
Carol Brady, automobile accident while delivering meals to shut-ins
Greg Brady, complications from laser hair removal
Peter Brady, self-inflicted machete wound
R. Glenn Brady, killed by angry mob outside RGB Innovations the morning after his fraud indictment
Marsha Brady-Kozlowski, exercise bulimia
Jan Brady-Brady, complications from self-inflicted laser hair removal (attempting to prove that she was not at fault for her husband's death)
Cindy Brady, alcohol poisoning after a convent social event
Alice, shot by neighbor after being caught in flagrante delicto with neighbor's 19-year-old daughter (it was a lucky 2-for-1 shot)

[Annie-Xmas]

Originally Posted by KneadToKnow

Mike Brady, shot by neighbor after being caught in flagrante delicto with neighbor's 19-year-old daughter

Shouldn't that read son?

Rachel Green--Dies at 104 of plastic surgery complications.
Joey Tribbiana--Killed in film shooting shooting accident.
Ross Geller--Killed in student drive-by shooting.
Monica Geller Bing--Goes back to her old eating habits and dies of stress to entire body caused by massive weight gain of 100 pounds in six months.
Chandler Bing--Killed by father's deranged boyfriend, setting off Monica's massive depression eating.
Phoebe Buffet--Killed by a tiger--smelly cat indeed. In an ironic twist of fate, her twin sister Ursula is killed at the very same moment by a bear.

[KneadToKnow]

Originally Posted by Annie-Xmas

Shouldn't that read son?

It's Character X, not Actor X.

[Elendil's Heir]

Jerry - Dies alone and embittered, still peevishly complaining about everything around him, in a Florida retirement community at age 82.

George - He and his father kill each other in a drunken Festivus brawl.

Elaine - Marries Puddy and moves to Westchester County, has four kids and commits suicide after the last one leaves for college.

Kramer - Transforms Kramerica Inc. into a pharmaceutical venture-capital firm, becomes filthy rich, takes an experimental life-prolongation drug and ends up living forever.

[Robot Arm]

Peg, Kelly, and Bud Bundy are hacked to death with an ax. The crime is discovered when parts of the bodies start turning up in boxes that can all be traced back to a single shoe store. Despite massive DNA evidence, three eye-witnesses, and having tape of the murders captured by store surveilance cameras, Al Bundy is acquitted of the charges by a jury of twelve shoe salesmen. He dies six months later, tanned and overweight, smothered in the breasts of a woman in Tahiti.

After a frantic day of cleaning and repairing the hotel to avoid health code violations, Basil Fawlty drops dead of a stroke after serving a rat in a cracker box to the health inspector.

Ash Ketchum is electrocuted in the Great Pokemon Uprising of '09.

[What Exit?]

Arthur 'Fonzie' Fonzarelli: At age 56 still thinking of himself as a tough guy he tried to break up a fight in the High School he worked in. He was shot and died 4 hours later in the hospital. His last words were, “I remember when gangs weren’t armed.”

Marion Cunningham: Live to a very advanced age and enjoyed shuttling between her Florida retirement home and long visits to her kids and grandkids. She was very active in her seniors community and well loved by all. She passed away quietly in her sleep at age 98. She was a widow for a very long time as …

Howard Cunningham: Died of congestive heart failure at age 56.

Joanie Cunningham: Actually married Chachi and they had 3 kids and while never big successes they did OK. She died in a car accident though when she was 56. It was determined she was well over the legal alcohol limit. Sadly she also maimed a teenage driver for life.

Warren 'Potsie' Weber: Worked a series of crappy jobs and tried to keep his hopes of a music or acting career alive but never succeeded. He died a lonely, sad failure at age 65.

Richard 'Richie' Cunningham: Became a successful writer for the NY Times and did some screen writing. He fought through a bought of alcoholism and stayed dry until his death at age 82. Along the way he and Lori Beth raise 2 kids.

Ralph Malph: He ended up making the army a career. He surprisingly was good at his job. Went to OCS training and successfully led men in combat in Vietnam. He rose to the rank of a Full Bird Colonel with 30 years served and ended up the COO of pharmaceutical warehousing company. He was very successful and retired well off with a double pension. He married first young and had no kids, divorced while he was serving in Vietnam. He remarried later in life to a much younger Korean girl and had 3 kids. He lived out his golden years in Boca Raton and died of lung cancer at the age of 78.

Alfred 'Al' Delvecchio: Suffered and died from Diabetes. He was never able to stick to his diet and actually loss his right leg before he died.

Charles 'Chachi' Arcola: He did OK and while he cheated on Joanie he stayed with her through her depression and alcoholism. He was actually relieved when she died and within 6 months married a beautiful young blond. He died at age 60 of a heart attack while in the act of making love to his second wife. He left behind 3 grown-up children from his first marriage and one young daughter from his second.

Lori Beth: Married Richie and fell into the role of housewife and mother. When the youngest child went off to college she packed her bags and loaded up her 74 Ford Station Wagon and drove off. Whether she ever planned to return is unknown as she picked up a hitchhiker in Ohio and he killed her and stole all of her belongings and car leaving her in a ditch.

Jenny Piccalo: Became a very successful high priced call girl and later a Nevada Madam. She lived to be 95 and was fairly well off.

Matsuo 'Arnold' Takahashi: Died choking to death at age 70. He was at nice restaurant in Milwaukee and a fish bone got lodged.

Police Officer Kirk: He was actually an Army Reservist. In Vietnam he was a Gunny that got fragged by his own men. He died in 1967.

Chuck Cunningham[/b]: He was never seen again. Apparently no one cared.

Leather Tuscadero: Went on to a very successful career in music and still did some doo-wop reunion tours in her later years. She had married a powerful and rich record executive who of course cheated on her anyway but her divorce settlement in California left her set for life. She had a legion of fanboys for while but that of course faded. She never had any kids but enjoyed her life. She drowned in her own pool at age 65 though.

[Robot Arm]

Originally Posted by cmkeller

Gonzo the Great will die choking on a chicken bone.

The chicken, however, will survive and retire to a petting zoo.

[Skald the Rhymer]

Originally Posted by KneadToKnow

I'm so glad about Jeff.

:wipes tear:


Mike Brady, shot by neighbor after being caught in flagrante delicto with neighbor's 19-year-old daughter

Um...yes. "Daughter." [/quote]

[Walker in Eternity]

Originally Posted by Skald the Rhymer

Impossible. Incompetent Starfleet officers get PROMOTED, as might be indicated by the fact that Janeway made Admiral.

Obviously the incompetent bit explains how she made Captain. I saw an episode called Warhead the other day where they have bizzarre moral arguements about whether to help a warhead capable of blowing a 200km wide crater. Guess what they took it on board Voyager where it caused all kinds of havok.

To get back on topic, this is where Voyager should have ended, they deserved to be blown up.

Other Deaths:

Doctor Who - Final regeneration ends after a night with Captain Jack and a Dalek plunger.

[KneadToKnow]

Laura Holt: gunshot wound as the result of a carjacking gone wrong
Murphy Michaels: infection from a paper cut (manila envelope containing autopsy report)
Bernice Fox: hypothermia
Mildred Krebbs: complications from diabetes
Harry Chalmers: of extreme old age while awaiting trial for murder of Laura's killer (prosecution and defense attorneys could not agree on his legal name)