What are some simple or profound things you have learned while dating?
I don’t want to hear your horror stories necessarily - just new habits that have made you better as a person, or at least made your interactions in a relationship easier.
For example:
He: Where would you like to go to eat?
Me: I don’t care - anywhere is fine. Where do you want to eat?
He: I don’t know. Where do you think we should go?
It can drive the average person insane.
But honestly, I can find something I like to eat at just about any restaurant. As a kid, ‘where’ was not usually an option. And as an adult, I often don’t know the budget of the other person, and don’t want to suggest some place to high-priced or low-browed for them. Especially if they have made it clear they are paying.
Nevertheless, this had to be fixed. So finally, I learned.
I would ask the other person to give me a few choices and pick, or say stuff like, “Well, I had Mexican for lunch and sushi last night for dinner . . . but I could go for some Italian or Chinese food.”
It’s small, maybe insignificant to you, but I know it’s made me a better girlfriend as a result.
Too many to list here. Probably the biggest is that I got my “inner game” together, and as a result, I’m far happier. Also, I learned about hair-pulling.
Oh, man. My ex-wife played this horrifying game with questions like that. She would make me pick someplace to eat, and then shoot it down. “You decide where we eat tonight!” she’d say, giving me the responsibility but, I learned, not the authority to decide.
“Mexican!” I’d say.
Her: “Mmmmmmmmm. No.”
Me: “Okay, well, where do you want to go?” I’d ask
Her: “No, you decide.”
Me: “Chinese.”
Her: “Uh, no.”
Me: “Pizza.”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Taco Bell.”
Her: “I said ‘no’ to Mexican.”
Me: “Since when is Taco Bell ‘Mexican’?”
Her: “Good point, but no.”
Me: “Grubs and roots.”
Her: “No.”
Me: “Well, what do you want?”
Her: “Why do I always have to decide?”
What I learned from that was, I’m not a masochist.
But that wasn’t really something I learned from dating, I guess. I’ll have to think more on that one.
Lesson from dating: the internet isn’t sufficient. You must meet in person as soon as possible. We’re monkey folk, and we need monkey time together to find out whether we can stand each others’ smells.
I’ve learned that rare is the straight man who thinks of relationships in human terms, rather than as a game to be learned, played, and lorded over the “losers.”
I learned from dating someone who was significantly lower in IQ than myself that for my own sanity I needed to find someone who was smart, well-read, and could hold an intelligent conversation.
Also, there are sometimes good things to be learned from dating people that you know won’t be around long-term. From the above gentleman I learned to play competitive scrabble, to make my own salad dressing from scratch, and how to flip a pan with one hand while sauteeing something.
The only games I play involve computers or other inanimate objects. Life’s too short to fuck about with people. Say what you mean or don’t say anything.
that I didn’t want anyone who played head games. If he liked me, he darn well better say so. There would be no testing games to check my loyalty. There would be no emotional tormenting me to see how devoted I was. There would be no holding back just in case I didn’t like him as much as he liked me garbage.
The man I married said I love you. I said I love you back. We decided to get married. It’s been nice. If he’s mad at me he says so. If I’m mad at him I don’t say “if you loved me, you would know,” or “nothing.” I tell him. If I’m happy with something he did, I tell him. If he needs something he tells me. It’s a good marriage.
Everybody’s at least a little bit crazy. The trick is finding a crazy you can live with.
Learn from your mistakes, but don’t dwell on your failures. (I’m still working on this one.)
Most importantly from my recent experiences: Let go of the situations you have no control over. Sometimes you just have to accept the way things are, and move on.
If a decent guy/good date is not my decent guy/good date, I should (carefully) introduce him to whichever one of my single friends I think will like him/he’ll like.
Find a fault set you can live with. Nobody’s perfect.
I will often downplay compliments - you know, “oh really, it was nothing. I bet you say that to all the girls. Well, it’s not the greatest, but it works.”
It finally sunk in that when I reject a compliment, I’m also rejecting the person’s opinion that a compliment is warranted, and in fact, calling their intellectual intelligence to judge something worthwhile unreliable.
So now, I’m learning to allow myself to accept compliments.
Next up, not asking 20 times if it’s all right that I said/did something. (I’m down to only asking like 3 times - cause dammit, sometimes I just need convincing but I know it’s exasperating.)
If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.
Because digging yourself back up out of THAT hole is a lot harder than keeping your damnfool trap shut!
I learned that a man who treats his mother like shit will treat his SO like shit, strangely enough a man who is unusually close to his mother will usually treat his SO like shit as well. Men with normal, healthy relationships with their mother tend to be quite infrequent IME.
I also learned that I don’t need to waste my time with someone who can’t/won’t look me in the eyes.
I’ve found that people who spend time trashing their exes aren’t worth my time.
I’ve found that I have learned a lot more than I want to type at this moment.
I, for some time, and in *most *respects *NEVER ‘played the game’, and have been a pretty lonely man as a result. If men are guilty for playing games, women are too. My goal is to generally ‘be myself’ in front of my loved one, (and hope that she would be comfortable in doing the same). However that obviously doesn’t get you through the door. I have my problems, but where I live, I meet attractive young single mothers who are waiting for their boyfriends to get out of prison.
“Being yourself”, (to an extent, and it kills me to say this), seems to become a luxury ALMOST ONLY over time, and perhaps never fully fulfilled, (unless your SO left the house and you have it all to yourself for a while). It kills me to say this because I don’t know HOW to play “the game”. I’m losing at “the game”. I had to acknowledge it was effective, (was in denial), before I could start to work on it, and I am in the damn dark at this point. I’m 28, and trying to learn how to flirt.
*to an extent modified in comprise to the loved one tastes, along with adopting some aspects of her persona that I may admire, or interests, and even taking on some of her problems as they were my own.
This is a good one. I am always struck by a woman who can accept a complement gracefully. I remember seeing a woman from my highschool, 10 years later. I told her that she had grown into a beautiful woman (she had) and she smiled and said thank you - and went up even further in my esteem.
