Let’s say that, through whatever improbabilities you care to imagine, you find youself turned into a vampire. So we can all agree on what that means, I’ll specify that you are a standard Buffyverse vampire. You’re a good deal stronger and faster than you were before: let’s say by about a factor of three. You heal from wounds amazingly fast. But even a small piece of wood to the heart will kill you, and while you can stand indirect sunlight (through clouds or curtains) without problem, even an instant of direct sunlight directly on your skin makes you start smoking, and if you’re so foolish as to stand full body in the light, you’re toast. No reflection, of course, but you’ll stll show up on a camera or camcorder image. No shapeshifting powers, no flight, no mind-control (yes, I know Drusilla had mind-control powers, but she was a minority). Getting your head cut off will kill you, but then it’ll kill anybody, so that’s not a big change.
Now you’re reasonably lucky. You see, you happen to have met and befriended a blond vampire slayer and her platonic redheaded spellcasting life partner not long before being vamped. The slayer manages to overpower you and confine you before your first kill–in fact, before anyone knows you died and were resurrected. Moreover, the witch casts a spell to return your human soul. So you don’t have a hundred years of of guilt to deal with. You do, however, have a potential eternity of awkwardness ahead of you, along with the teensiest bit of blood lust.
The stick-figure blond and winsome redhead go off to fight evil someplace else. How do you deal with the rest of your unlife?
Except she already has a girlfriend. 1.5 girlfriends, actually. Probably more like 1.98 girlfriends. And ALL of her girlfriends, however the number is reckoned, are stronger than you. The lesser of the two is jealous and insecure; the other one is, by the most charitable interpretation, a bitch; and both of them are trained in killing vampires, which you currently are.
Angel got by on pig’s blood purchased from butcher shops. Since he was notably stronger than the average vamp, that was clearly quite nourishing (though a super-powered human was better still). The question is, “Can you find a butcher shop to sell it to you when you can out only at night?”
Not to mention can you keep your job. Do you let your family in on the change. (I don’t see how you can avoid it with anybody who shares a house with you, though. The mirror thing gives you away.
First I get a job in IT. I went months without seeing sunlight last time I did that, and odd behavior coupled with strange looks/dress is totally normal.
No random wooden stakes hanging around the server room, which is beneficial as well
And no one misses a help-desk employee so I’d have nourishment handy.
Wait, so you’d have immortality (assuming you wore sun block), you don’t get sick, you heal quick, you have controlable blood lust, and you’re 3x what you were before?
Why don’t they do this to everybody? Especially people terminally ill. You have a souled vampire turn em over, witch brings soul back then you send em on their way.
Also do you need oxygen? If not people could live on the bottom of the ocean with all that dangerous sunlight blocked. Plus think of the adventure, immortal people who don’t need oxygen and are damaged from sunlight. You have all the makings of race of space explorers. Takes 100 years to reach alpha centuri? Who cares. you’re not gonna age. Plus you could colonize the solar system.
Venus would be the PERFECT place. Any dangerous wood bursts into flames, thick clouds block out the sunlight. It’d be some good liv’en.
I did not watch Buffy much so I just did not know.
I’m guess night shift at a meat packer might be where I need to try and find a job or I could start a livestock farm.
I would have to make plans for fires, find some way to make a lot of money, more than I earn currently so I can build up a truly huge portfolio. I’ll need to build a small tunnel system so I can escape my home in case of fire or assault.
So far it sounds horrible. I could not continue at my current job. Maybe I could get a job with the government in my capacity of a superstrong vampire with a soul.
There is no reason I see that a Vampire needs to dress oddly.
I’ll have to tell my wife at least and let her decide what she thinks is best.
In the long run I would look to make a fortune through slow investment and after many decades would just make protecting and nurturing my investments my full time job.
Venus would be the perfect place. I would totally work out a deal with NASA.
They could train me to fly a spaceship to Venus and then report back. I would spend about 10 years getting educated on the planet and working on my flight skills. Preferably in some underground facility with plenty of fresh otter blood on hand.
In return they get a nearly indestructible pilot and someone who could survive on Venus. If they can get me there without blowing up the shuttle, they could end up learning a lot about the surface of the planet.
If I crash or destroy the shuttle during the mission I could end up being stuck on Venus. I would probably get really bored after a few days of exploration. That’s a big risk, but it’s worth it. Venus can’t be that bad.
If I’m going to be immortal I might as well occupy my time by trying to visit all of the planets (how long would it take to reach Pluto?) Then I could hit up the moons if I get really cocky.
There is certainly precedence in the Buffyverse for Willow’s affections to not be exclusively distaff. Amend my plan to “follow the winsome redhead and brood a lot.”
I once read a story that had a couple in it who were vampires and ran/owned their own blood bank. I don’t know how hard it is to start up a blood bank but if you could you would be sure of having a safe and plentiful supply of blood.
Gee, Willow, thanks for the soul. I needed that like a stake to the heart.
That noted, I’d done with working for a living. I’ll be going into full-blown predator mode. The world will hopefully not notice a string of mysterious deaths happening to the types of people that are frequently the targets of RO threads here.
Throw a puppy into traffic? Hello, breakfast.
Baby Raper? You’re my lunch.
I’ll relieve my meals of their cash and easily pawned assets, and probably lead a nomadic life. Something like High Plains Drifter, with fangs.
I would probably make a few strategic kills of bad, mean people with a lot of money who live in places far from anywhere I want to live (so I can take the money and run as it were) and then invest the money and live off the interest. Forget about actually working for anyone ever again…I would just travel, read, hang out and drink coffee, read some more, watch movies…very cool. After I killed the bad people to take their money, I wouldn’t kill anymore, though. All animals for me.
Want to know whats scary? I’ve actually thought about this.
So I’m a Buffyverse vamp. Hows the whole cross thing for me? It seems to very in intensity from “Arg! Run away!” to “meh.” in the show. If its the former it’d put a major crimp in my lifestyle.
It would definitely put a crimp in my life plans as I don’t think I could be ordained. So I’d have to find something else to do. Before I did anything though I’m getting my self some kind of armor over my heart. I’ve always thought vampires were very stupid for not doing this.
Then I’d probably let my immediate family and friends know at the least and I’d really consider a general revelation. It seems wrong to know people are being hunted and not tell them. I figure in either case getting animal blood wouldn’t be all that hard.
But it would eventually be horrible I think. I’ve never been really attracted to the idea of living forever on Earth. You’d get to see everyone die and never find true rest.
Out of curiosity, which girlfriend was which here? It’s probably a sad statement about Willow’s social life, but I can easily see both girls fitting both descriptions.
