I’ve often heard it said that it is racist to prefer one racial group to another, sexually. I think I remember a thread on this very board, in fact, where someone said that he wouldn’t date a black woman (because he wasn’t attracted to black women,) and some people claimed him to be a racist for this reason.
In my own experience these kind of racial preferences aren’t that uncommon. One girl I know only dates Middle Eastern or Persian men - she simply is not attracted to any other kind of man. (She’s white, and American.) Another one of my friends is a white guy who only dates Asian girls. He just isn’t into girls of other races, sexually. He doesn’t have anything against them as people, he just doesn’t like their appearance as much as that of Asian women.
I’ve known guys who preferred redheads or blondes. I think there’s not really any distinction between that and preferring a certain race, based on appearance alone. Note that I say based on appearance alone, because while it may indeed be racist to not want to date black women “because of how they act,” or some such thing, I don’t think that refusing to date them or sleep with them solely based on appearance is any different from not wanting to date or sleep with redheads solely on the basis of appearance.
Shallow, maybe. Racist, I don’t think so, unless the reasons are other than physical attraction.
IMO, no, it’s not racist. If you treat someone as a lesser person, or deny them rights, jobs, friendship, ect, based on race, you’re a racist. But you can’t help who you’re attracted to. However, I think most people should be able to consider dating another race. “I don’t tend to find myself attracted to African Americans.” That’s okay. “I don’t think I could date an African American.” Well, why not?
My personal preference covers a wide range so race doesn’t enter into it but culture does. I’m not interested in anyone who self-identifies as a hyphenated American. I turned down a beautiful woman of my own background because she was so intent on belonging to a sub-culture. I have no interested in joining a club. My grandparents were immigrants and wanted to be part of a melting pot.
Depends. There are shared traits in any social group. Not everyone in the group is going to actually have all those traits, some might not have any. But, when you’re out dating you really don’t have to have a failed experience, especially if it’s something that could take a while before it pops up. There are racial social groups, but there are also fashionable social groups. If someone wouldn’t date a black man just as much as she wouldn’t date a nerd, can you call that racism?
Recognizing differences isn’t a bad thing. Thinking that people are better or worse for you is one thing. Thinking that people are inherently better or worse period though, that’s a bad thing.
I guess it depends on how inflexible one’s “preference” is. Me, I like men with dark brown hair and brown eyes. But I married a grey-eyed guy with light brown hair because I got to know him as a person and I fell in love with the PERSON, not the hair color.
I have not known a single white guy attracted exclusively to Asian women who did not have a “my-women-need-to-be-passive-sex-kittens-who-understand-I-am-the-boss” thing going on, consciously or not. (Nor have I known any Asian women who appreciated being lusted after strictly because of their racial profile.) A white guy who finds Asian chicks especially cute? No problem. A white guy who wouldn’t even consider dating a non-Asian, no matter how much they had in common intellectually/emotionally? Eww.
Most of the white guys you describe as dating exclusively Asian girls because they have a “my-women-need-to-be-passive-sex-kittens-who-understand-I-am-the-boss” thing going on, I don’t think are doing any actual dating at all. I think they’re usually losers who don’t have the ability to pick up women at all, and they fantasize a lot about the “perfect” submissive Asian girlfriend, and maybe some of them eventually manage to find a Japanese exchange student or something to be their girlfriend, after a lot of bullshitting and pretending to be interested in Japanese culture or whatever, but these guys are clueless idiots.
The stereotype of Asian women being submissive and passive is absolute bullshit, in my own experience. And that includes Asian-American girls and those who were actually born in an Asian country. It’s a stereotype that may have once have been true for some American GIs in Korea or Japan 60 years ago, but it doesn’t apply anymore. Asian people in America tend to be driven, confident, and not passive at all, and that also applies to their women (who can be downright bitches sometimes, as can women of all races.)
Maybe you can get a mail-order bride from some tiny village in China who will cook and clean for you and be a submissive housewife, or some other such extreme measure, but in general, anyone who dates Asian women looking for a “submissive” partner is going to have a hell of a disappointment.
ETA - don’t even get me started on Filipino women - their idea of being submissive is stabbing you in the heart with a steak knife nine times instead of ten.
Nicely said,** Argent Towers**. In the States I think you are probably right. But here in Indonesia, there are plenty of women from poor families who are not only willing to play “submissive sex kitten” for a foreigner, they actively seek out opportunities. They aren’t being selfish (well, some are, but mostly not) - on the contrary, most of them look at it as a way to support their entire family. In some ways it is a selfless act.
And yup, there are definitely loser white guys here who cannot believe their luck with Indonesian women (who tend to be gorgeous). They don’t even have to be assholes; I know a perfectly nice guy who very frankly told me that he has never had such dating opportunities in his life.
I know couples where the husband is Western and the wife is Indonesian or Thai in which the relationship is equal. They suffer from the stereotype that the husband is a loser and the wife is a gold-digger and I feel sorry for them, especially the wives who are judged and dismissed. For sure, the stereotype isn’t always true. But it can be.
I’m not attracted to black men, and that’s just as well, because my family would disown me in a flash for dating one. In the case of one particular relative, I would fear for my physical safety.
How is it racist? How would that even make sense? It might be… bad, but how is it based on race? Wouldn’t it only be racist if you criticized black people for not dating outside their race, but not white people, or vice versa?
The thing is, it’s impossible to know what’s in people’s hearts and minds with certainty. I personally never bother to speculate about anyone’s motivations in who they date, but since you ask, it seems like you need to observe them and make the best judgement you can about why they only date a specific type of person.
For instance, if you’re a white guy living in Hawaii and only date Asians, there doesn’t seem to be any reason to suspect anything but physical attraction being the motive. No need to assume the worst. On the other hand, imagine a white guy living in the Carribbean on an island that’s 80% black, and never even approaches non-white women. It seems clear to me that’s not definitive evidence. But in my experience as a man, if it were just about physical attraction the desire for companionship and sex would win out really fast.
Or, in other words, it’s obviously possible it’s motivated by racism, and it’s possible that it isn’t. It depends on the person.
I was dating in the fifties and anti-semitism was much more prevalent then and, despite having no interest in religion, I dated only Jewish girls. It went beyond that though. I married a woman who simply grew up in a family like mine and we share so much of our backgrounds that life is just easier. Maybe today, it would be different, I don’t know.
I also like women with long straight black hair, but my wife of 45 years has curly medium brown hair.
I know one black woman I would date, though. Aside from being a spectacular beauty, she was adopted by a Dutch Jewish family in Toronto and so grew up with the same family background as mine.
I hope I won’t be labeled a racist for denying whole groups of people access to my hot bod. Or is it my large white income and education that I’ve been denying the many people of the world?
I think you may be over the line a little if you assume other groups somehow want you above all others and then have to ask yourself if maybe you should cut them a break and let them have access to all that is you. A better question is: Why is Halle Berry such a racist that she won’t go out with me? I’ve been waiting by the phone.
I think that it’s racist. However, it is not necessarily BAD to be racist.
I, personally, a Celtic/Gallic American, have a preference for Middle Eastern women, then Eastern European, etc…
It is being a bit too sophomoric to say that that isn’t racist, because the desired traits are, MOL, exclusive to racial groups. Yes, yes, there are exceptions, but in the accepted sense of the words used, this is the case.
What if you just said “I don’t believe you should only date a particular group or not date a particular group because it’s racist”? Is that a racist criticism? Mine seems like a more accurate example of people who “criticize other people for dating (or not dating) outside their group” than yours, which seems a bit loaded.
The Title question keeps showing up, again and again…
Not racist per se, but it would mean the person making the comment is presuming to know the reason for Person A’s dating patterns. As said in the OP, one may be “shallow” in defining a particular set of physical/cultural traits as “your type” but that’s not necessarily racist, it may just be that such set of traits is your particular turn-on, simple as that.