Ever hear someone say “That’s the oldest one in the book?” These jokes were taken more-or-less directly from The Book. Note well that 16th Century sensibilities were not refined, despite what some people conclude from their confused ideas about Puritans and Victorians. An example:
Of the iolous man.
A man that was right jealous on his wife, dreamed on a night as he lay abed with her & slept, that the Devil appeared unto him and said: Wouldst thou not be glad, that I should put thee in surety of thy wife? Yes, said he. Hold, said the Devil, as long as thou hast this ring upon thy finger, no man shall make thee cuckold. The man was glad thereof, and when he awaked, he found his finger in his wife’s arse.
And this one is good:
Of the scoffer that made a man a south sayer.
There was a merry scoffing fellow on a time, the which took it upon himself to teach a man to be a soothsayer. When they were agreed what he should have for his labour, the scoffer said to the man: Hold, eat this round pellet, and I warrant thou shalt be a soothsayer.
The man took and put it in his mouth, and began to champ thereon, but it savoured so ill that he spit it out forthwith, and said: Fie, this pellet that thou givest me to eat, savoureth all of a turd!
Thou sayest truth (quoth the scoffer). Now thou art a sooth sayer, and therefore pay me my money!
(Both of those had their spelling much modernized. The next ones didn’t.)
A smith had slaine one, and was to be condemn’d for the fact: Then his Parishioners came in and besought the Iudge to spare him, affirming that they had no more Smithes but him, nor any one neer them of many a mile: They further alleadged, that besides that hee was a good Farrier, hee could also make lockes and keyes, and all maner of Ironage belonging either to cart or plough: wherunto the Iudge answered: My maisters, I haue heard your allegations, but on the other side, a man is slaine, and how shall justice then be perfourmed? They replied: Mary, and like your L. we haue heer a couple of weauers amongst vs, and one of them wil serue our turnes well ynough, we pray you therfore, hang the other weauer, & saue the smith.
A Passenger complain’d to a Captaine, how certaine his Souldiours had robb’d him of all that euer he had. Wherunto the Captain answered: Tell mee (friend) ware you that doublet when they robb’d you? He answered: Yea: Then get you gone, (said the Captaine) for well I wot, had they beene my Souldiours, they would haue left you neuer a rag to your backe.
One did a robbery in one sheere, and was taken in an other, and being brought before the Iustice there, the Iustice thought good to returne him backe againe to the other sheere where he committed the robberie: Wherupon the theefe saide vnto him: I pray (sir) if that be Lawe, let me aske you one question: How if a man be taken a bed to night with his neighbors wife, ought he to be sent thether againe the next night too?
A Fellon at the gallowes said vnto the Hangman: Villain, better yet be hang’d, then bee a Hangman, like thee: True (answered the Hang-man) were it not for hanging.
That first one is pretty damn funny, actually!
Derleth:
Of the scoffer that made a man a south sayer.
There was a merry scoffing fellow on a time, the which took it upon himself to teach a man to be a soothsayer. When they were agreed what he should have for his labour, the scoffer said to the man: Hold, eat this round pellet, and I warrant thou shalt be a soothsayer.
The man took and put it in his mouth, and began to champ thereon, but it savoured so ill that he spit it out forthwith, and said: Fie, this pellet that thou givest me to eat, savoureth all of a turd!
Thou sayest truth (quoth the scoffer). Now thou art a sooth sayer, and therefore pay me my money!
But… but… wait! That’s a Jewish joke, and it’s about a herring!
The one about the hangman is pretty cute.
A smith had slaine one, and was to be condemn’d for the fact: Then his Parishioners came in and besought the Iudge to spare him, affirming that they had no more Smithes but him, nor any one neer them of many a mile: They further alleadged, that besides that hee was a good Farrier, hee could also make lockes and keyes, and all maner of Ironage belonging either to cart or plough: wherunto the Iudge answered: My maisters, I haue heard your allegations, but on the other side, a man is slaine, and how shall justice then be perfourmed? They replied: Mary, and like your L. we haue heer a couple of weauers amongst vs, and one of them wil serue our turnes well ynough, we pray you therfore, hang the other weauer, & saue the smith.
Aw, I think that one’s a little sad. Won’t someone think of the weauers?
NDP
April 27, 2009, 11:25pm
7
In the version I heard, it was about intelligence-increasing pills that looked suspiciously like rabbit-droppings. (Punchline: You’re getting smarter with each pill!)
I have a copy of a reprinting of the first edition of Joe Miller’s Jokes from Dover. it dates back to the 18th century. Although a slim volume, it was added to over the years to become a thick tome. British actor Joe Miller had nothing to do with even the original edition – they just borrowed his name. The closest he comes is that he’s supposedly involved in three or so of the jokes. Refined most of these efforts are not. but some are funny.
If you’re looking for old, though, check out the Exeter Book Riddles , dating from c. 975 AD. I’ve got a penguin edition of these, but they’re now online:
http://www.technozen.com/exeter/