Does masterbation cause blindness?

isthatdoodoo · #1 08-16-2009, 04:03 AM

I've been told this my entire life and while drunk i may have done it. It's been 2 days and iv'e been living in constant fear. I have not drove or left the house alone. How many times until you are blind and how long until you are blind?

bbs2k · #2 08-16-2009, 04:09 AM

You can keep doing it until you get sore.

Argent Towers · #3 08-16-2009, 04:09 AM

Masterbation does cause blindness. However, masturbation is completely safe. If you had just masturbated instead of masterbated, you'd be in the clear. Unfortunately, blindness is not the only symptom of masterbation; it also causes the softening of the brain tissue, artery blockage and intense physical agony over the course of several weeks, culminating in death (after which you will go to hell, because masterbation is a sin.)

jjimm · #4 08-16-2009, 04:15 AM

:. :: .: .

Argent Towers · #5 08-16-2009, 04:25 AM

Interesting fact: masterbation was outlawed by William the Silent in 1580. He decreed that "whosoever masterbates shall have his right hand burned off with a red-hot iron; his flesh should be torn from his bones with pincers in six different places; he should be quartered and disemboweled alive; his heart should be torn from his bosom and flung in his face, and finally, his head should be taken off."

Masturbation was tolerated and even encouraged, but the Dutch Calvinist interpretation of Leviticus viewed masterbation as being a mortal sin (as well as an affront to civil law.)

This view prevailed all the way into the early days of the United States under Dutch occupation, particularly in the territories of what is now New York, under the "patroon" system of land ownership. It's even said the death of Kilaen van Renselaar - which led to the Anti-Rent War of 1839 - was caused by masterbation.

isthatdoodoo · #6 08-16-2009, 04:28 AM

Jiminey Crickets!! You seem like a scientist so whats the difference between a masterbater, a masturbater and a masterbaiter? nevermind, my son just told me puting q-tips in your ears makes you non of the above. Holy smokes that was close...

Argent Towers · #7 08-16-2009, 04:32 AM

Returning to the OP:

Quote:

I've been told this my entire life and while drunk i may have done it.

You may have done it?

Could you elaborate on what you mean?

Jragon · #8 08-16-2009, 04:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by isthatdoodoo

Jiminey Crickets!! You seem like a scientist so whats the difference between a masterbater, a masturbater and a masterbaiter? nevermind, my son just told me puting q-tips in your ears makes you non of the above. Holy smokes that was close...

Well, masterbating involves a lamb shank, some blood, a red balloon filled with maple syrup and... hold on... *yells towards the stairs* Ma, do we still have the charts? No, the other ones!

And Masterbaiting... well *shudder* those poor squirrels.
_{Toke Jopic?}

willthekittensurvive? · #9 08-16-2009, 04:50 AM

only if you do it wrong

cromulent · #10 08-16-2009, 04:51 AM

Just don't aim for your eyes and you should be ok.

Half Man Half Wit · #11 08-16-2009, 04:54 AM

However, I've heard it said that unfortunately, the kitten won't survive.

Shagnasty · #12 08-16-2009, 04:54 AM

I always close my eyes at the end and go "ah, ah, yeah baby!" and can't see a god-damned thing so I guess it does cause blindness in a way but it is temporary.

isthatdoodoo · #13 08-16-2009, 05:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argent Towers

Returning to the OP:

You may have done it?

Could you elaborate on what you mean?

Well it all started last Sunday... Being Sunday I stoping by the church. And when i say stoping by the church i literally mean "by the church," i stop at the Quik Mart near it to pick up my usual bottle of privleged hennesy and rufilin. Its a little out of the way but i promised my deceased mother i would stop by the church every week. While driving home i had a headache so i took so advil and washed it down with swig of heem, i thought nothing of it since i was just 45 minutes from my humble home of residence. but before i knew it i saw the all too familiar glare of what i beleive to be police sirens. not to be caught drinking and driving, killed the bottle and through it at my tailers. i had quite the lucky through as it caused a 4 car pile up. i quickly parked in my garage and got on facebook for an iron alibi. i thought nothing of the headache so i took it upon myself to call up an escort. upon his arival, and i was quite upset it was a him, became furious and caused a sceen. i regret i was not as polite as a gentleman should have been had was not sober and had reson to cause such a fuss as im sure you agree. in my rage i struck him once or twice and a long story short he left with mess of living room for me to clean up. it was rather late so after a clean up i hit the rack and when i woke up i realized that i had no advil and was a rufi i took the night before and was man who was one q-tip short. of course before being corrected earlier i was sure placing a q-tip in one's ear was masterbation and would not for the life of me account for that q-tip. so that was how i may have masterbated. a funny note, i still don't know what happend to my q-tip lol.

Princhester · #14 08-16-2009, 05:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argent Towers

Interesting fact: masterbation was outlawed by William the Silent in 1580.

Phew, I'm in the clear, because he'd be dead by now, right?

Chez Guevara · #15 08-16-2009, 05:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argent Towers

Interesting fact: masterbation was outlawed by William the Silent in 1580. He decreed that "whosoever masterbates shall have his right hand burned off with a red-hot iron; his flesh should be torn from his bones with pincers in six different places; he should be quartered and disemboweled alive; his heart should be torn from his bosom and flung in his face, and finally, his head should be taken off."

On the other hand, no such decree was ever promulgated by Louis the Blind (c. 880 - 928).

Jragon · #16 08-16-2009, 05:21 AM

Wait... you did WHAT!? Q-tips? Oh no... that means.

Gah!

Whaaaats... whaaaats happening to

FOOL!

The endless abyss await the residents of this commune. The Q-tips of retribution have been used for their chosen task, the ears of fate have been purged. You, nay, humanity must pay for your sins! One soul for every gram freed and one head for every fiber of the sacred Q-tip that was lost.

And you, you most of all, the instigator of this, you shall be witness to the consequences of your actions. You should have prayed for a swift demise when you came to understand your transgressions, but it is too late, eternal torment is your prize for your part in this Mwahahahhahahahahahaha

Woah, sorry, passed out there for a second. Why are you all looking at me like that?

Stan Shmenge · #17 08-16-2009, 05:26 AM

I wonder how these geniuses:

a) Find out about this board.

b) Think it would be a good idea to post.

c) Have the free time to complete the sign up procedure in between outings to the petting zoo with the other "Special Needs" patients.

Bosda Di'Chi of Tricor · #18 08-16-2009, 06:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Argent Towers

. It's even said the death of Kilaen van Renselaar - which led to the Anti-Rent War of 1839 - was caused by masterbation.

You know, on any other Board, I'd assume this was jabber.

But here!?!

"The Anti-Rent War of 1839"?

Cite? Or gag?

I'll take the chance of a whoosh.

billfish678 · #19 08-16-2009, 06:49 AM

Just do it till you need glasses.

Why do you think everyone is wearing them by the time middle age hits?

I dont yet, so I guess I am still golden

Stauderhorse · #20 08-16-2009, 06:55 AM

Now that's just silly.

Hey guys, did I ever show you my picture?

garygnu · #21 08-16-2009, 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by isthatdoodoo

Well it all started last Sunday... Being Sunday I stoping by the church. And when i say stoping by the church i literally mean "by the church," i stop at the Quik Mart near it to pick up my usual bottle of privleged hennesy and rufilin. Its a little out of the way but i promised my deceased mother i would stop by the church every week. While driving home i had a headache so i took so advil and washed it down with swig of heem, i thought nothing of it since i was just 45 minutes from my humble home of residence. but before i knew it i saw the all too familiar glare of what i beleive to be police sirens. not to be caught drinking and driving, killed the bottle and through it at my tailers. i had quite the lucky through as it caused a 4 car pile up. i quickly parked in my garage and got on facebook for an iron alibi. i thought nothing of the headache so i took it upon myself to call up an escort. upon his arival, and i was quite upset it was a him, became furious and caused a sceen. i regret i was not as polite as a gentleman should have been had was not sober and had reson to cause such a fuss as im sure you agree. in my rage i struck him once or twice and a long story short he left with mess of living room for me to clean up. it was rather late so after a clean up i hit the rack and when i woke up i realized that i had no advil and was a rufi i took the night before and was man who was one q-tip short. of course before being corrected earlier i was sure placing a q-tip in one's ear was masterbation and would not for the life of me account for that q-tip. so that was how i may have masterbated. a funny note, i still don't know what happend to my q-tip lol.

I like you.

Maastricht · #22 08-16-2009, 09:08 AM

At the risk of being taken in:

isthatdoodoo, no, masturbation (jerking off, masturbation, whatever it is called) does not cause blindness. Or madness. Or anything bad. It only causes a feeling of relief, and allows you to take your mind a bit off sex for a while. You can do it safely up to 3 times a day. Any more, and your penis may get a little bit sore. If that happens, don't masturbate for a couple days and all will be well again. Masturbation goes better if you use a lubricant like non-scented massage-oil or (hand)cream or KY-jelly.

About 95 percent of all guys masturbates at least a couple times a month, and that includes all the men in your church. Married men masturbate. Teenagers masturbate. Even animals masturbate. About 60 % of women have ever masturbated till orgasm.

Now, stop worrying about masturbating. And don't ever drink and drive again, because that will lead to accidents which can hurt you, or someone else, badly.

Shagnasty · #23 08-16-2009, 09:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by isthatdoodoo

Well it all started last Sunday... Being Sunday I stoping by the church. And when i say stoping by the church i literally mean "by the church," i stop at the Quik Mart near it to pick up my usual bottle of privleged hennesy and rufilin. Its a little out of the way but i promised my deceased mother i would stop by the church every week. While driving home i had a headache so i took so advil and washed it down with swig of heem, i thought nothing of it since i was just 45 minutes from my humble home of residence. but before i knew it i saw the all too familiar glare of what i beleive to be police sirens. not to be caught drinking and driving, killed the bottle and through it at my tailers. i had quite the lucky through as it caused a 4 car pile up. i quickly parked in my garage and got on facebook for an iron alibi. i thought nothing of the headache so i took it upon myself to call up an escort. upon his arival, and i was quite upset it was a him, became furious and caused a sceen. i regret i was not as polite as a gentleman should have been had was not sober and had reson to cause such a fuss as im sure you agree. in my rage i struck him once or twice and a long story short he left with mess of living room for me to clean up. it was rather late so after a clean up i hit the rack and when i woke up i realized that i had no advil and was a rufi i took the night before and was man who was one q-tip short. of course before being corrected earlier i was sure placing a q-tip in one's ear was masterbation and would not for the life of me account for that q-tip. so that was how i may have masterbated. a funny note, i still don't know what happend to my q-tip lol.

You are my hero and should serve as a role-model to others.

nikonikosuru · #24 08-16-2009, 10:13 AM

I don't know if it's the weather or what but summer definitely seems to bring out the most interesting of threads.

Malacandra · #25 08-16-2009, 10:21 AM

i accidentally a whole packet of q tips

Harmonious Discord · #26 08-16-2009, 11:19 AM

It can cause you to have a stroke and go blind. It can cause hypoglycemia from exercising and that can make you go blind over time.

KlondikeGeoff · #27 08-16-2009, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Harmonious Discord

It can cause you to have a stroke and go blind. It can cause hypoglycemia from exercising and that can make you go blind over time.

It also will make you grow hair on the palms of your hands.

Fear Itself · #28 08-16-2009, 12:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by isthatdoodoo

it was rather late so after a clean up i hit the rack and when i woke up i realized that i had no advil and was a rufi i took the night before and was man who was one q-tip short. of course before being corrected earlier i was sure placing a q-tip in one's ear was masterbation and would not for the life of me account for that q-tip.

Are you sure that was a q-tip you put in your ear?

Chessic Sense · #29 08-16-2009, 01:13 PM

Sometimes, when I'm feeling lonely, I look up some hookers on Craigslist. I find one I like- nice picture, hot post- and note her phone number and price. Then I start masturbating, and right at the end, I moan "Penny saved, penny earned, bitch!"

I've earned, like, $1500 this week. And it's only Sunday.

Heffalump and Roo · #30 08-16-2009, 01:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fear Itself

Are you sure that was a q-tip you put in your ear?

As opposed to:

Are you sure that was your ear that you put the q-tip in?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chessic Sense

Sometimes, when I'm feeling lonely, I look up some hookers on Craigslist. I find one I like- nice picture, hot post- and note her phone number and price. Then I start masturbating, and right at the end, I moan "Penny saved, penny earned, bitch!"

I've earned, like, $1500 this week. And it's only Sunday.

Wow, great money-making plan! That advice must be worth a fortune.

Diogenes the Cynic · #31 08-16-2009, 01:33 PM

You won't really go blind, but if you find yourself acquiring a taste for sushi and bizarre game shows, you should go to a doctor immediately.

eleanorigby · #32 08-16-2009, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malacandra

i accidentally a whole packet of q tips

Oops--you'll need more than just a swig of heem for that.

wierdaaron · #33 08-16-2009, 03:18 PM

I realize this thread is a joke, but the false belief of yore that masturbation causes, well, anything is an utter failure of logic.

The reason masturbation works in the first place is that the body can't tell whether it's having real or simulated intercourse. That being the case, how could masturbation have one biological effect that god-fearing missionary position man-and-wife intercourse wouldn't have? If the goodie-bits could somehow detect ones own hand and activate some kind of blindness/hairy palms/acne defense mechanism, why wouldn't it just deactivate the orgasm reflex?

Surely you'd have to expect that if masturbation could actually cause blindness, via some kind of penile-ocular connection, there would have to be a significant risk of accidental blindness during pastor-approved sex.

eleanorigby · #34 08-16-2009, 03:55 PM

Whilst I cannot speak to the conclusions my learned colleague has posited here, I do feel the need to interject that there is indeed a penile-ocular connection. The end result may not be blindness, but it does exist....

carnivorousplant · #35 08-16-2009, 04:52 PM

Barkeep? I'll have what the OP is drinking.

Jragon · #36 08-16-2009, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wierdaaron

I realize this thread is a joke, but the false belief of yore that masturbation causes, well, anything is an utter failure of logic.

The reason masturbation works in the first place is that the body can't tell whether it's having real or simulated intercourse. That being the case, how could masturbation have one biological effect that god-fearing missionary position man-and-wife intercourse wouldn't have? If the goodie-bits could somehow detect ones own hand and activate some kind of blindness/hairy palms/acne defense mechanism, why wouldn't it just deactivate the orgasm reflex?

Surely you'd have to expect that if masturbation could actually cause blindness, via some kind of penile-ocular connection, there would have to be a significant risk of accidental blindness during pastor-approved sex.

I'm tellin' you man, it's that danged no-good Coriolis Effect again. Does strange things, that one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Malacandra

i accidentally a whole packet of q tips

I don't quite understand WHAT did yo... waitwaitwait, you're not getting me, I've seen this movie before.

freckafree · #37 08-16-2009, 05:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by billfish678

Just do it till you need glasses.

Why do you think everyone is wearing them by the time middle age hits?

I dont yet, so I guess I am still golden

I read this as, "Just do it until you fill a glass."

I think I need to get my glasses adjusted.

twickster · #38 08-16-2009, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by billfish678

Just do it till you need glasses.

Why do you think everyone is wearing them by the time middle age hits?

I dont yet, so I guess I am still golden

Quote:

Originally Posted by freckafree

I read this as, "Just do it until you fill a glass."

I think I need to get my glasses adjusted.

Q.E.D.

sjc · #39 08-16-2009, 06:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wierdaaron

I realize this thread is a joke, but the false belief of yore that masturbation causes, well, anything is an utter failure of logic.

The reason masturbation works in the first place is that the body can't tell whether it's having real or simulated intercourse. That being the case, how could masturbation have one biological effect that god-fearing missionary position man-and-wife intercourse wouldn't have? If the goodie-bits could somehow detect ones own hand and activate some kind of blindness/hairy palms/acne defense mechanism, why wouldn't it just deactivate the orgasm reflex?

Surely you'd have to expect that if masturbation could actually cause blindness, via some kind of penile-ocular connection, there would have to be a significant risk of accidental blindness during pastor-approved sex.

My take on it is that either one can cause you to go blind, but masturbation will usually make it happen more quickly because you can do it more often. Note that I don't actually believe this, but I think that many people who have problem with masturbation also consider sex a bit unwholesome too.

Mangetout · #40 08-16-2009, 07:05 PM

When you pushed the Q Tip in your ear, you should probably have stopped when you encountered resistance.

Shagnasty · #41 08-16-2009, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sjc

My take on it is that either one can cause you to go blind, but masturbation will usually make it happen more quickly because you can do it more often. Note that I don't actually believe this, but I think that many people who have problem with masturbation also consider sex a bit unwholesome too.

Syphilis can make you go blind so hanging out in Red Light districts may not be they best way to preserve your eyesight as a practical alternative to masturbation. Masturbation can definitely make you go blind in the sense that being dead doesn't allow you to see. Just ask the people that die every year from auto-erotic asphyxiation.