Trying to not help a friend...or quick, Al-anon meeting, anyone?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So last week a friend (male) mentioned that a mutual friend (female friend, call her Liz)had fallen apart lately. This friend of mine has a history with volunatarily surrendering her children to the Childrens Aid Society, light drug use, not following through with government funded education programmes, inability to hold or even apply for jobs (even when the economy didn’t suck) and basically being a flake. Troubled, with no boundries, but had always been a fun person. At times we were very close, but a year and a half ago, I had enough and after a bit of a blow out, I just declined to call her. I don’t hate her, I’d just had enough of her self centerednes and self destructiveness.

So “fallen apart” is not a black and white issue, its how far on the greyscale she hits. My male friend who alerted me to this said Liz is hitting harder drugs, her 5 year old daughter was complaining of not eating all day (late afternoon)her 15 year old is breaking into cars. I listened, and I was a bit worried, but again, I learned a long time ago to “Let go and let Og”. (I was married to an alcoholic and Alanon basically put me back together after we split)

Then I saw her on Saturday night. She had her head down on a railing, crying and sobbing, shivering (it was about 80 degrees at midnight) and couldnt find a hot dog cart she was supposed to be working. She couldn’t walk properly (was blaming not having glasses on, but come on, people don’t stagger because of lack of glasses) I pointed out a hot dog cart half a block away that she would have to have passed to get to where I found her–and glasses or no (remember I’ve known her 13 years) her vision is not that bad she would not have seen a HOTDOG CART.

Basically Liz looked like a stoned, down and out drug addict and homeless person. She used to dress eccentricly (tie die, gause tops with striped hot pink leggings, cool thrift shop vintage stuff) but she was wearing black sweatpants, a thick hoodie and vest, unwashed hair in a bad messy ponytail. No style, just old ratty clothes, in black which she almost never wears. Later in the evening I crossed the street to avoid her. I don’t want to get involved, but my old history of rescuing her plus my worry about her kids has me oh-so-tempted to call her up. She always seemed to be doing better when she has friends around her who have their own shit together.

I know what I have to do, and rescuing her… well I can’t. But Im horribly upset about this, and would like some SDMB feedback. I know I need to catch an Alanon meeting, but with my work schedule this week is insane and I won’t get to one until Thursday minimum and probably Saturday morning.

2

You ain’t fixin’ that. Call CPS to have them get the 5 yo the hell out of there, then forget that Liz ever existed.

Wreckage is wreckage.

3

Can you make some time for a meeting? If you got ill, you’d take time, right? Because your mental health is really important, you know a meeting will help, and two hours invested in getting to and going to a meeting will make you a better employee for the rest of the week.

And - you aren’t responsible…it isn’t your fault…she makes her own choices - and after years, she can’t claim to not be educated on what the end result of her choices are likely to be.

4

Problem is I work 12 hour shifts, and by the time Im out of work most meetings have started or are over. I may get to one late tonight, I’d be more than half the meeting late, but I think I need to connect with people who will remind me that its’s not my job to rescue her.

The mutual friend apparently called CAS last week, and I didn’t ask her who was with the little girl when she was out on Saturday. Maybe they are already in foster care again. I had heard through the grapevine weeks ago that she was using needle drugs. I didn’t believe it because until now she never had, and there were lots of rumours going around before that were just plain untrue. I give that rumour a bit more credit now.

I know she’s a trainwreck. I once drove 3 hours each way on Christmas Eve in a snowstorm to bring her daughter home for Christmas, with barely a thank you. (And she wasn’t ready to leave at 8 am, so we didn’t leave until it was noon, I got home at 6 and screwed up MY holiday.) I have fed, and sheltered her, and paid her way when I wanted to go out and wanted her company. I paid her for babysitting my son, and babysat for her daughter for free. (And her daughter used to bite my kid… hard… she once drew blood. ) I’m not interested in that any more, but some stupid part of me wants to call her up and say lets go for coffee and catch up. But I know that’s the first step of RESCUE MISSION 2009 (That might be the year, or the number of time’s I’ve rescued her ass.) When I had enough of her she was doing sort of ok, had plans for school and had her daughter in day care. I didn’t dump her while she was down, but when I was and I needed some help empathy and friendship, and I realised she didn’t have any to give.

Any other advice, or anyone else gone down this path and learned to stay out of it?

5

Do act on behalf of the children, please. They’ve suffered enough.

6

If you can’t get to a meeting, call your Al-anon sponsor, or someone from al-anon just to talk. Call the Al-anon hotline if you can’t do the first two items. Just talk to someone who knows what it’s like.

7

Get to whatever support group or person you need, and do enough to make sure the kids get help, and stay as far away from Liz as you can. If you believe in prayer, pray for her but THAT’S IT.

I’ve learned time & time again, one can be a friend & a helper but not a personal savior. I don’t have that much tolerance for nails nor a three-day recovery rate.

8

Yeah Im kicking myself, I haven’t been to a meeting in months and my sponsor moved away. I never really had too many phone numbers before. But I left a message with someone this morning who will call me back, maybe there are other meetings in town I don’t know about.

I’ve made a bunch of calls about this, spending half my break doing stuff about Liz,again. Its hard to be wired the way I am (caregiver, helper, do-gooder professionally and personally) and just not do what I usually do. Its absolutely killing me not to go over to her house with a lcar load of groceries and my big note book for lists and and planning sit down and chat. But she has lots of rescuers, and I need my own sanity to live my own life, raise my own happy and healthy child, do my own stuff, and rhelp my boyfriend with his business concerns.