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  #1  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:05 PM
Translucent Daydream Translucent Daydream is offline
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What to do when constantly accused of lying

What do I do about a girlfriend (going on two years) that constantly accuses me of lying about silly obsurd things?

I don't lie and I have never ever lied about anything to her. Really. Promise.



For example:


Today, on the phone, she was razzing me about something, and said, "Well they are jealous because I look like a movie star, hahaha" etc.


I mentioned to her that I had been in a couple of films screened for a local festival. She told me that I was lying. I informed her that I wasn't and described both of them to her, what I liked about one and how the other one was kinda lame.

She kept it up, "You are totally lying to me!" Normally, I just let this stuff go but I am getting tired of not being able to tell her something without her accusing me of lying. Its getting old.

I asked her why she does that and she turns it around on me to say, "well you always accuse me of lying." I never have, so I asked her when I did that. I got the obligatory "whatever".




So what gives with this behavior? Everything else is good for the most part, just this.

I can't figure out why and I don't know. Any thoughts?

Last edited by Translucent Daydream; 09-29-2009 at 12:06 PM.. Reason: comma abuse
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  #2  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:09 PM
Grey Grey is online now
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Leave.
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  #3  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:11 PM
Belrix Belrix is offline
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Is she serious, do you think, or is her way of saying "Get out of here! Really?!?!"
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  #4  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:11 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Originally Posted by Grey View Post
Leave.
You beat me to it.

I was going to suggest talking to her about it, but you already have.

One other thing you could try is to just give her a nasty look when she accuses you, and continue on with what you are saying. Give her accusations zero validation.
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  #5  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:13 PM
Bricker Bricker is online now
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How old are you two?
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  #6  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:16 PM
pbbth pbbth is offline
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If it is said in a joking manner just let her know that it bothers you and hopefully she won't do it again. If she is actually accusing you of lying all the time you need to walk away because whether or not you are lying she doesn't trust you and it is impossible to be in a relationship with someone who can't believe the things you tell them.
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  #7  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:19 PM
Green Bean Green Bean is online now
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This actually sounds like a situation where sitting down together with some kind of counselor might help. A couple of sessions, and you'll probably be on your way to solving the problem. Or confirming that it can't be solved.

Sounds annoying as hell, anyway.
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  #8  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:23 PM
Translucent Daydream Translucent Daydream is offline
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Is she serious, do you think, or is her way of saying "Get out of here! Really?!?!"
She is serious. I don't know if its a Persian thing or not.

I am white dude, she's Persian. There are some cultural differences there in attitudes on things, but the aren't really that big of a deal.
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  #9  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:24 PM
Translucent Daydream Translucent Daydream is offline
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How old are you two?
I am 25, she is just a little younger than I am. She is finishing up her premed.
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  #10  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:25 PM
Contrapuntal Contrapuntal is offline
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Leave.
As in yesterday.
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  #11  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:25 PM
Translucent Daydream Translucent Daydream is offline
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Leave.

You think so huh? It just seems pretty drastic since everything else works well.
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  #12  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:27 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Hmm, I went on a few dates with an Iranian woman, and that never happened. But maybe that's because we never did get really close. It may also be that she's a good bit older and emotionally mature.
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  #13  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:28 PM
Zebra Zebra is offline
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How about telling her that you really dislike it when she uses that phrase. That she should find another way of expressing herself.

Unless she really thinks you are a huge liar. Then you gotta wonder why she dates you.
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  #14  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:31 PM
Nava Nava is offline
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Explain that this is a huge offense; if she doesn't and won't trust you in the small things, then there's no reason for you to believe that she will trust you in important ones.

If she doesn't cut it out, leave.

I've been in similar situations, where something a person said without really meaning it was causing repeated offense to myself or to others; some would cut it out when people explained it was inacceptable in the specific circle, some would declare everybody in the social circle "lame," some would say "oh I'm sorry" but continue. Options 2 and 3 are just not acceptable.

Terms in question went from accusing someone of inventing things about his own country, to constant calls of "mofo" (or the spelled out version) or calling someone's girlfriend a ho ("but the singers I like do it the whole time!" - so either you need new singers, or a new hangout, choose).

Last edited by Nava; 09-29-2009 at 12:32 PM..
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  #15  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:32 PM
msmith537 msmith537 is online now
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Originally Posted by Translucent Daydream View Post
She is serious. I don't know if its a Persian thing or not.

I am white dude, she's Persian. There are some cultural differences there in attitudes on things, but the aren't really that big of a deal.

Persian eh? Tell her THIS IS SPARTA!! and kick her ass down a well (metaphorically).

I thought the correct term was now "Iranian".



Quote:
Originally Posted by tdn
Hmm, I went on a few dates with an Iranian woman, and that never happened. But maybe that's because we never did get really close. It may also be that she's a good bit older and emotionally mature.
It may also possibly be due to the fact that you dated a completely different woman.
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  #16  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:32 PM
crazyjoe crazyjoe is online now
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I think, just once, a tantrum might be in order. A minor one, to be sure, but just to let her know you're sick of it, for REAL. For whatever reason, it seems like some folks just don't realize you're offended whan you say "I'm offended" because they can't imagine being offended and not going completely batshit nuts. You could try explaining this to her, and if it doesn't work, go with....

The next time you're on the phone with her, and she accueses you of lying, just say "Yep, and I'm lying about hanging up on you now, too....<click>" I will bet she gets the picture.
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  #17  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:35 PM
Zulema Zulema is offline
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I would just call her on her accusations every time. Like the movie thing. Look on IMBD. My sister was in some goofy local film and her name is in there. She didn't even know.

Of course you shouldn't have to prove yourself all the time but it could draw her attention to how much she actually does this and how ridiculous she is being.
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  #18  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:35 PM
Grey Grey is online now
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Originally Posted by Translucent Daydream View Post
You think so huh? It just seems pretty drastic since everything else works well.
No, I'm lying.

You've discussed it with her and I've no doubt, seeing how you're both out of high school, that you've had adult conversations about support, encouragement, basic manners etc. Those apparently haven't worked and the woman continues with behavior that calls your basic decency into question. Why, if you're an adult with no other responsibilities in this matter would you continue to endure the insults?
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  #19  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:36 PM
lieu lieu is offline
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My guess is this is just a figure of speech to her, like "Get the fuck outta here!" On the surface it might sound harsh but in reality it means nothing more than "You're kidding!" Ask her what she's really trying to say. If indeed it is something more accusative, then yes, you probably are best off finding someone else with who you can establish a relationship where mutual trust is the foundation and not a distant goal.

Last edited by lieu; 09-29-2009 at 12:38 PM..
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  #20  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:40 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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It may also possibly be due to the fact that you dated a completely different woman.
Hey, I think you're onto something!

But I don't know if I'd chalk it up to being a Persian thing.
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  #21  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:41 PM
TruCelt TruCelt is offline
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My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves.

If you are very serious about this relationship, then tell her in no uncertain terms that you find this extremely offensive, and you are done being nice about it. Give her a couple of weeks to break the habit, and call her on it then immediately end the conversation any time she does it. Never again continue a conversation in which this occurs.

My bet is that she gets a power surge from you begging her to believe what you've said. Ick!

It remains to be seen whether she willbe interested in continuing a relationship in which you insist upon being treated respectfully.
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  #22  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:45 PM
Translucent Daydream Translucent Daydream is offline
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Originally Posted by TruCelt View Post
My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves.

If you are very serious about this relationship, then tell her in no uncertain terms that you find this extremely offensive, and you are done being nice about it. Give her a couple of weeks to break the habit, and call her on it then immediately end the conversation any time she does it. Never again continue a conversation in which this occurs.

My bet is that she gets a power surge from you begging her to believe what you've said. Ick!

It remains to be seen whether she willbe interested in continuing a relationship in which you insist upon being treated respectfully.
I will do this. I hadn't thought of the whole "doing your best to find the fault you are trying to hide in others."





dammit
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  #23  
Old 09-29-2009, 12:45 PM
lindsaybluth lindsaybluth is offline
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When I saw the title of the thread, I thought "Oh, he must not be looking people in the eye, or he shifts his weight, or does other things that make him not seem believable to many people".

This is an issue with the person, very clearly.
It sounds like she's jealous - and doesn't want you to believe all the little things you've done. Sounds like she has some insecurity issues too - movie star?

I nominate leaving to the nth degree.
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  #24  
Old 09-29-2009, 01:21 PM
Cat Fight Cat Fight is offline
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This sounds like an obnoxious and, yes, revealing bad habit of hers. Or a sign of an awful sense of humor. Possibly somewhat Persian-related, I don't know (I have Western-indoctrinated Iranian friends who occasionally tell me about standard rules in their families e.g. if someone offers you something you have to refuse three times before accepting).
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  #25  
Old 09-29-2009, 01:23 PM
Ferret Herder Ferret Herder is offline
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I was going to brush it off as a bad figure of speech (like telling someone, "You're insane!" when they say something funny or unusual, but not meaning they're clinically insane), but when the OP said that she accuses him of saying to her that she lies all the time... not a good sign, I think. Probably the Very Serious Conversation (followed up by sticking to his guns) is the way to go.
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  #26  
Old 09-29-2009, 01:24 PM
Anaamika Anaamika is online now
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Well, how do you guys deal with other issues in your relationship. Because I can tell you that a "whatever" on an issue that genuinely bothered me would be cause for a fight, and I am a fairly easy-going person these days! I can't even imagine getting a response like "whatever".

How do you deal with other issues? Does she respect you on other things? Because this sounds like a total lack of respect.
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  #27  
Old 09-29-2009, 01:31 PM
kayaker kayaker is offline
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Cheat on her, then deny it. You are being accused, might as well.
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  #28  
Old 09-29-2009, 01:48 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Well, how do you guys deal with other issues in your relationship. Because I can tell you that a "whatever" on an issue that genuinely bothered me would be cause for a fight, and I am a fairly easy-going person these days! I can't even imagine getting a response like "whatever".
Agreed 247.3%. No matter how well everything else is going, that's a major issue.
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  #29  
Old 09-29-2009, 02:02 PM
billfish678 billfish678 is offline
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Hey, I think you're onto something!

But I don't know if I'd chalk it up to being a Persian thing.
There's a joke about lying like a rug in here somewhere...
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  #30  
Old 09-29-2009, 02:10 PM
DiosaBellissima DiosaBellissima is offline
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Yeah, I was about to say: if she does this regularly and is sincerely accusing you, odds are that she's actually lying about stuff to you. Guilty conscience and all that.
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  #31  
Old 09-29-2009, 02:11 PM
purplehorseshoe purplehorseshoe is offline
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I did once have a roommate with the annoying habit of saying "Nuh-uh. You're lying!" to anything that someone else would have just flickered an eyebrow. Say something to which a normal person might say, "Really?!" and she'd instead say, "Oh, SHUT UP!"

It came across as really offensive - and big surprise, she was annoying and juvenile in a lot of other respects as well - but this was one thing where it was genuinely a case of ... I dunno, almost like using a dialect of a language.

So the OP's case could be something like that. But I doubt it. I'm reading between the lines, sure, but only seeing disrespect, mistrust, and deep-seated insecurities when I do that. (On the lady's part, not the OP's, in case I need to make that clear.)
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  #32  
Old 09-29-2009, 02:39 PM
Thudlow Boink Thudlow Boink is online now
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Originally Posted by TruCelt View Post
My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves.
Quoted for truth.

(As a corollary, in my limited experience, it's usually selfish people who accuse others of being selfish.)
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  #33  
Old 09-29-2009, 02:55 PM
TruCelt TruCelt is offline
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Originally Posted by Translucent Daydream View Post
I will do this. I hadn't thought of the whole "doing your best to find the fault you are trying to hide in others."





dammit

I know. I'm sorry. It seems to be my fate to be the one who says what has to be said.

Be strong.
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  #34  
Old 09-29-2009, 03:20 PM
purplehorseshoe purplehorseshoe is offline
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Let us know how it goes, Translucent Daydream. Nothing like a follow-up to give us all a little satisfaction!

But the fact that she responded to your concern with "whatever" PLUS the fact that you called it "obligatory," meaning she does that all the time? That's a bad sign, honey.

Someone who cares about you will care about how the things she does make you feel. I don't know how to articulate it better than that.
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  #35  
Old 09-29-2009, 03:25 PM
Translucent Daydream Translucent Daydream is offline
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Originally Posted by purplehorseshoe View Post
Let us know how it goes, Translucent Daydream. Nothing like a follow-up to give us all a little satisfaction!

But the fact that she responded to your concern with "whatever" PLUS the fact that you called it "obligatory," meaning she does that all the time? That's a bad sign, honey.

Someone who cares about you will care about how the things she does make you feel. I don't know how to articulate it better than that.
I'll do that. I will see her in a few hours.
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  #36  
Old 09-29-2009, 03:44 PM
Fuzzy Dunlop Fuzzy Dunlop is offline
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I thought the correct term was now "Iranian".
Every Persian I've ever met has self-identified as and preferred to be called Persian.
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  #37  
Old 09-29-2009, 03:58 PM
Sage Rat Sage Rat is online now
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Every Persian I've ever met has self-identified as and preferred to be called Persian.
Every Bob I have met has self-identified as and preferred to be called Bob. Roberts on the other hand....
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  #38  
Old 09-29-2009, 04:01 PM
Translucent Daydream Translucent Daydream is offline
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Every Persian I've ever met has self-identified as and preferred to be called Persian.
Yeah her family isn't down with the new regime so they don't like the whole "Islamic Repulic of Iran" thing. They prefer to be called Persians.


(at least this family does)
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  #39  
Old 09-29-2009, 04:07 PM
Nava Nava is offline
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One of my kitchenmates (the only one who could cook already) is from Iran. I assume he doesn't have a personal problem with the new regime.

The Idiot (a coworker at UM) was from Iran except when he wanted to bitch and moan about being so poor that he had to live in a mere 4K/month house by himself, with no body servants (of course he neither cooked nor cleaned), although he should by all rights have inherited a satrapy (which wouldn't have happened by then anyway, as both his father and grandfather were hale and healthy). When he wanted to pout, he was Persian.

There, two anecdote points.
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  #40  
Old 09-29-2009, 04:50 PM
Markxxx Markxxx is offline
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Your girlfriend has a behaviour pattern that is unacceptable to you.

You have two choices, learn to live with it or leave.

She has two choices, change her behaviour or lose you.

Remember it takes two to make a good relationship but it only takes one to make a bad relationship
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  #41  
Old 09-29-2009, 05:12 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Originally Posted by purplehorseshoe View Post
I did once have a roommate with the annoying habit of saying "Nuh-uh. You're lying!" to anything that someone else would have just flickered an eyebrow. Say something to which a normal person might say, "Really?!" and she'd instead say, "Oh, SHUT UP!"<snip>
I would have a lot of trouble associating with someone that rude. I think the first time she told me I was lying or told me to shut up would be the last time I had to put up with her.

The OP - what everyone else has said. This isn't part of a healthy relationship.
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  #42  
Old 09-29-2009, 06:04 PM
Geek Mecha Geek Mecha is offline
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It's not the frequent accusations of lying that would bother me.

It's the frequent accusations of lying PLUS the inaccurate claim of me frequently accusing her of lying PLUS brushing off my attempts to discuss it with a dismissive "whatever" that would bother the living shit out of me.

Lying isn't the same as leaving the bathroom light on. It's not something you accuse people of lightly, nor is it something you should inaccurately accuse other people of doing, nor is it a conversation topic you avoid having with anyone who means a damn to you.

I would find it impossible to trust an SO who treated me this way. And, as I learned during my breakup four months ago, if there's no trust, you've got nothing.
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  #43  
Old 09-29-2009, 06:06 PM
Shirley Ujest Shirley Ujest is offline
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Originally Posted by TruCelt View Post
My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves.

If you are very serious about this relationship, then tell her in no uncertain terms that you find this extremely offensive, and you are done being nice about it. Give her a couple of weeks to break the habit, and call her on it then immediately end the conversation any time she does it. Never again continue a conversation in which this occurs.

My bet is that she gets a power surge from you begging her to believe what you've said. Ick!

It remains to be seen whether she willbe interested in continuing a relationship in which you insist upon being treated respectfully.

Your grandfather was a very wise man.


I wonder if her mother always did something like this because Mom never trusted Dad ( for real or perceived problems. ) Maybe she is acting like that because that was what she saw growing up. Just food for thought.

Last edited by Shirley Ujest; 09-29-2009 at 06:07 PM..
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  #44  
Old 09-29-2009, 09:32 PM
phouka phouka is offline
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My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character.
It's called transference, and I swear to Og, I run into it more every single day.

My guess is, however often she accuses you of lying, that's about how often she lies to you.

People like that don't change until they've had their face rubbed in their decisions often enough to realize that's the way it is - you lie, you lose your boyfriend.

Leave. Now.
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  #45  
Old 09-29-2009, 09:34 PM
Blisters Blisters is offline
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I think the advice you've gotten is good, and I have nothing smart to add (yet here I am posting...)

Growing up we were taught that some things we joke about with siblings can get you a punch in the mouth from someone at school. Calling someone a liar and accusing them of cheating are two that I remember.
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  #46  
Old 09-29-2009, 10:25 PM
Apollyon Apollyon is offline
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Persian eh? ...
I thought the correct term was now "Iranian".
<pedant>Just over 1/2 of Iran's population are Persian, and people of Persian ethnic background can be found in quite a few other ME countries.</pedant>
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  #47  
Old 09-30-2009, 08:10 AM
lieu lieu is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TruCelt View Post
My Grandfather told me that if someone accuses you of something completely outside your character, they are telling you something about their own character. IME he has never been proven wrong on this. To a man (and woman) everyone who accused me of a fault or action that I would never even consider, turned out to be doing the thing or owning the fault themselves.
I've considered starting a thread before to see if there's a name, clinical or cultural, for this behavior. Having observed it a number of times, I'd agree that it can be very telling.

ETA: Phouka, argh, don't know how I missed that. "Transference." Thank you!

Last edited by lieu; 09-30-2009 at 08:13 AM..
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  #48  
Old 09-30-2009, 12:32 PM
overlyverbose overlyverbose is offline
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I don't have a whole lot to add, but...

Please tell me she was 100% kidding about the movie star comment. People who are narcissistic enough to assume that others are jealous of them because of their looks are usually pretty arrogant in their relationships, too. Saying something like that out loud is usually a bad sign.

I used to have an acquaintance (note the term used to) who would remark that black people were jealous of her because she could have blonde hair naturally. As you can imagine, she wasn't very popular with...well, anyone, including me, and still has very few friends for good reason. That arrogance carried over into almost every aspect of her life - remarks on her own intelligence, the assumption that she didn't need to learn anything else because she was so very clever, etc.
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  #49  
Old 09-30-2009, 02:18 PM
Translucent Daydream Translucent Daydream is offline
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Well.

I talked to her. She said she didn't realize it was hurting my feelings (her way of saying she didn't realize she was annoying the everloving piss out of me).

I flat out told her that that was rude as hell and it was going to stop. She said she was sorry about it, but didn't say why.


I am probably going to keep it up, but my "taking shit" threshold in regards to her is at zero, which is pretty odd because I am a very patient, tolerant dude.


On an unrelated note, the chewing out and the "how it is and how its going to be if this is going to work" speech really turned her on.
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  #50  
Old 09-30-2009, 03:42 PM
purplehorseshoe purplehorseshoe is offline
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Originally Posted by Translucent Daydream View Post
Well.

I talked to her. She said she didn't realize it was hurting my feelings (her way of saying she didn't realize she was annoying the everloving piss out of me).

I flat out told her that that was rude as hell and it was going to stop. She said she was sorry about it, but didn't say why.

I am probably going to keep it up, but my "taking shit" threshold in regards to her is at zero, which is pretty odd because I am a very patient, tolerant dude.

On an unrelated note, the chewing out and the "how it is and how its going to be if this is going to work" speech really turned her on.
We all hope you took full advantage of that fact.

It's okay to be a very patient, tolerant dude and still not take shit from your partner. Patience and tolerance are needed in a cold, harsh, crowded world ... your partner shouldn't be a source of additional crap being flung at you.

Congrats on standing up for yourself!
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