The Straight Dope

Go Back   Straight Dope Message Board > Main > Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-08-2009, 05:53 AM
Tom Tildrum Tom Tildrum is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Falls Church, Va.
Posts: 9,923
"If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?"

Apparently a high-school teacher in New Hampshire assigned the seniors in her creative writing class the following essay question: "If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?" She ran into some resistance from school officials, and it sounds like the assignments were never completed.

So, Dopers, that's your homework for today. Turn in your essays at the end of the thread.

Extra credit question: What was this teacher thinking?
Reply With Quote
Advertisements  
  #2  
Old 10-08-2009, 07:04 AM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
Do I have to knock him down first?


Quote:
Extra credit question: What was this teacher thinking?
His brother had probably just knocked him down and peed on him.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-08-2009, 07:12 AM
Shagnasty Shagnasty is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2000
Posts: 22,385
It is a bullshit question.

It should be phrased:
"WHEN you knocked your little brother down, DID you pee in his mouth?"

Essay follows:
"Yes, of course I did. Who wouldn't?"

That would be about the easiest homework assignment ever and I would love to have gotten one like that.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-08-2009, 07:16 AM
Spectralist Spectralist is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom Tildrum View Post
What was this teacher thinking?
My guess: She's a watersports & incest fetishist who wanted wank material.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-08-2009, 07:51 AM
Wheelz Wheelz is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
In his mouth? This could be problematic. When he sees me preparing to urinate, he'll surely turn his head and shut his mouth tight. I'd need some sort of apparatus to hold his head still and prop his mouth open. Of course, were I someone who enjoyed peeing on people, perhaps I would already own such a device.

Now, things would be much easier if he were unconscious. Maybe the question should be rephrased to "If you knocked your brother out..."

As for what the teacher was thinking, my WAG is something along the lines of: "I feel like making some weird, convoluted statement about the First Amendment today, and draw some attention to myself too." Maybe she was even hoping to get fired instead of "closely monitored" so she could make whatever point she was trying to make in a nationally-covered court case....
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-08-2009, 09:04 AM
tdn tdn is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
This was a creative writing assignment? Let's see...

It was a dark and stormy night. Mabel had just gone to bed, and I stayed up in the drawing room to enjoy a brandy and do a little reading. Walter, the butler, asked if I would need anything more that evening. I dismissed him.

I stared into the crackling fire and whistfully recalled the days of my youth. I schooled at Cundall Manor in Yorkshire. The headmaster was a kindly old gentleman, stern but fair. My best mate Colin was an A student and proficient in riding. He was captain of the polo team. He came from a good family, prominent London bankers.

I smiled a little as I sniffed my brandy. Ah, those carefree days of youth. Riding. Rugby. Lessons with Mrs. Pigglesbottom. Mrs. Pigglesbottom was a good teacher, but I believe a bit addled. During the war her house was bombed, and I understand she was never the same since. Shell shock, some called it. She sometimes had rather daft notions of education. There was a creative writing assignment in which we had to answer this question: "If you knocked your brother down, would you urinate in his mouth?" I remember Colin's response as if it were just last week. He said, "What the fuck you on about, biotch?!?"

I grinned a little more, finished off my brandy, and retired for the evening.

The end.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-08-2009, 09:44 AM
billfish678 billfish678 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wheelz View Post
As for what the teacher was thinking, my WAG is something along the lines of: "I feel like making some weird, convoluted statement about the First Amendment today, and draw some attention to myself too." Maybe she was even hoping to get fired instead of "closely monitored" so she could make whatever point she was trying to make in a nationally-covered court case....
Maybe she has a brother that posts about his pedophilic tendencies on an internet message board
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-08-2009, 10:10 AM
Captain_Awesome Captain_Awesome is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2009
The circumstances arose thus. Miles from the nearest available medical help, I and my brother had been gaining some exercise in swimming offshore. During our last such excursion, I had retired to the beach ahead of my brother, who was the better swimmer. Glancing back I noted he was swimming with much haste in my direction. On making his way up the beach he explained, as best he could in his hysterical state, that due to inadvertently swallowing a small jellyfish he had received a sting to the back of his throat. In view of his allergic hypersensitivity, I had no option but to knock him down (for he could not be otherwise subdued) and then urinate in his mouth. I am in no doubt that he would do the same for me if the reverse ever occurred. Fin.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 10-08-2009, 10:49 AM
tdn tdn is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Quote:
Originally Posted by Captain_Awesome View Post
Fin.
It's the little touches that made that worth reading.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 10-08-2009, 11:06 AM
Freddy the Pig Freddy the Pig is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
My brother was such a wanker, if I'd have done a little thing like urinate in his mouth, he would have run off and tattled to our parents, and then I'd have been in big trouble. So, no.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 10-08-2009, 11:20 AM
Unauthorized Cinnamon Unauthorized Cinnamon is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 4,985
It seems to me she may be trying to determine if any of the students are replicants. Did the extra credit have anything to do with a tortoise?
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-08-2009, 12:37 PM
ToeJam ToeJam is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
No. I'd apologize and pick him back up.

Then again, aren't we all a little guilty of a little bit of peeing in our brothers' mouths? I believe it was the man named Jesus who said "let the he who is without sin open his mouth first" or something like that I believe. We as human beings do tend to be inherently cruel creatures, knocking down our fellow man, or at the very least, if we are not guilty of knocking them down, we most certainly ARE guilty at some point in life of looking another of our kind and mocking their situation, and not helping them out. There are those in our society, who would laugh at the misfortunes of others. They are the ones who look at the fat person at the hospital in sheer disgust; those who would look at those trying to struggle with their sexuality and simply taunt them with abuse both verbal and physical; those that look upon their fellow human beings and feel hatred, disgust or pity upon them simply for the reasoning that that human being chooses to follow a different political animal than the viewers; or perhaps they will find a reason to condemn their brothers to being an ignorant delusional fool, or those that condemn others to a petty and cruel afterlife based on their differences in religious beliefs? People are people so why should it be? ...I can't understand what makes a man [pee in another] another man. is another retelling of this similar thought, just like Jesus and now Depeche Mode, you dear teacher are trying to rally the students to understand something about ourselves:
Can it not be said then that we are all guilty of those small tiny little acts of greed, jealousy, hate, and superiority? That we are all just massive Watersports Fetishists trying to look out for only ourselves and our ilk? We walk around with full bladders, so cocksure in our ways that we certainly aren't the type to do such a filthy thing as to pee in the mouths of our brothers- but then when we truly look back in our wake of destruction, why is it that everywhere we've gone before, our fellow human beings are all just a little bit... wetter for our presence? So I Quote from the fabled bathroom stall proverb, and a classic proverb for little children across the land: "I-CUP" because, when I do so, I see a mirror image of myself, and that which makes us all truly human....
I peed into the abyss and the abyss pees into me.

The End.

PS: I still go with my first answer. With the additional thought though: what if he was a paraphilliac and that was the only way for him to achieve pleasure? Even then, I think I would not pee into his mouth. Not even in a box. Not with a fox. Not in a house. And Not with a mouse. I would not pee into his mouth.

PSS: Geddit?
I must submit this to you though dear teacher, I have thought of an addendum though: what if he were dying of thirst? Or a he tried to swallow a Jelly fish? Or if he was dying of thirst, while swallowing a jellyfish, and had a thing for golden showers? Then yeah- I might pee in his mouth. But, I'd keep my pinky out like a gentleman should.
~~~~~~~~

And if she managed to read all that drivel. I suppose I would deserve whatever grade she gave me.

Last edited by ToeJam; 10-08-2009 at 12:39 PM.. Reason: Had to give it one more shake.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-08-2009, 12:40 PM
storyteller0910 storyteller0910 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ro0sh View Post
Then again, aren't we all a little guilty of a little bit of peeing in our brothers' mouths?
Best thing I've read all week.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-08-2009, 12:45 PM
billfish678 billfish678 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ro0sh View Post

Then again, aren't we all a little guilty of a little bit of peeing in our brothers' mouths?
I was a little kid once.

I swam in many a pool.

Therefore, my brother certainly wasnt the only one to get "the treatment"...
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-08-2009, 01:20 PM
Swallowed My Cellphone Swallowed My Cellphone is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
It was a dark and stormy night.... when suddenly I let fly!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 10-08-2009, 01:30 PM
TheAmusedMuse TheAmusedMuse is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
No, but I might fart in his face
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 10-08-2009, 01:39 PM
Argent Towers Argent Towers is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Is Samuel Delany teaching high-school English in New Hampshire now?
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 10-08-2009, 02:00 PM
Terraplane Terraplane is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Twas the night before Christmas,
And inside my house,
I knocked down my brother,
And pissed in his mouth.

His tonsils were stung,
By the stream aimed with care,
And as he coughed and convulsed
I pissed in his hair.

I don't know I think it's got potential...

Last edited by Terraplane; 10-08-2009 at 02:02 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 10-08-2009, 02:12 PM
elfkin477 elfkin477 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: NH
Posts: 19,538
::Checks link:: Oh good, it wasn't one of my former teachers.
__________________
Stalk follow me on Twitter
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 10-08-2009, 02:17 PM
Swallowed My Cellphone Swallowed My Cellphone is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by omgzebras View Post
twas the night before christmas,
and inside my house,
i knocked down my brother,
and pissed in his mouth.
BRAVO!
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 10-08-2009, 02:27 PM
Attack from the 3rd dimension Attack from the 3rd dimension is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
The standard in my childhood home was to knock your brother down and rub butter in his ears and nose and get the dog to lick it. So, no, I wouldn't pee in his mouth, I'd rub butter in his ears.

[sings]

Tradition! Tradition!

[/sings]
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 10-08-2009, 03:25 PM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Western New York
Posts: 58,540
It could have been worse. She might have been teaching a science course and given the question as a lab assignment.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 10-08-2009, 04:28 PM
The Great Sun Jester The Great Sun Jester is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unauthorized Cinnamon View Post
It seems to me she may be trying to determine if any of the students are replicants. Did the extra credit have anything to do with a tortoise?
What's a tortoise?
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 10-08-2009, 05:00 PM
Satchmo Satchmo is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: Lincoln, NE, USA
Posts: 949
You know what a turtle is, Leon?
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 10-08-2009, 05:50 PM
BigT BigT is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
So I take it the teacher's offered no explanation for why this topic would even come up?

I don't know about you, but if my assignment asks a yes or no question, I'm going to find it nearly impossible to write a creative response. We were taught to always answer the question as directly as possible. I'd expect a bunch of "No! That's Gross" answers with a couple answering "Yes" for just pure (uncreative) shock value.

The variations you guys seem to have come up are pretty good, but I see it as you taking the challenge of making an uncreative assignment* actually creative.

*Well, I guess the actual assignment itself was creative: just not the likely answers.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 10-08-2009, 05:56 PM
panache45 panache45 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: NE Ohio (the 'burbs)
Posts: 22,796
First of all, you don't knock him down first. That will make the target too far away, and splashing ensues. All you have to do is get him down on his knees and force his mouth open. It helps if you can get him to beg for it; if he cooperates there will be much less mess. At least that's my experience.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 10-08-2009, 06:12 PM
Captain_Awesome Captain_Awesome is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2009
Quote:
Originally Posted by panache45 View Post
First of all, you don't knock him down first. That will make the target too far away, and splashing ensues. All you have to do is get him down on his knees and force his mouth open. It helps if you can get him to beg for it; if he cooperates there will be much less mess. At least that's my experience.
This is really not the preferred method, since it is far to easy to avoid the flow arc if he is non-compliant. Ideally you should position yourself kneeling astride his upper torso, whilst he is inclined on his back, with his arms pinned underneath your lower legs. That way you have one hand free to force the mouth open, and maintain its position, whilst the other can direct the equipment to maximum effect.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 10-08-2009, 06:42 PM
Love Rhombus Love Rhombus is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Exactly. But you must aim with care, or else you may shoot it up his nose, and THAT would just be...distasteful.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 10-08-2009, 06:52 PM
handsomeharry handsomeharry is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2001
Why else would I knock him down?
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 10-08-2009, 07:22 PM
Green Bean Green Bean is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
You guys sure are lucky to have penises. When I knock my brother down and pee in his mouth, I have to squat. It's really hard to get a good angle.
Reply With Quote
  #31  
Old 10-08-2009, 08:47 PM
ToeJam ToeJam is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by storyteller0910 View Post
Best thing I've read all week.
Thank you, kind sir, always a treat to get a positive comment from you on my terrible writing

You're welcome to use it for a Sig should you so desire.

Though I'm a bit partial to the Peed into the Abyss line myself....
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 10-08-2009, 09:03 PM
robardin robardin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Flushing, NY
Posts: 4,314
What does it mean to have a brother? Looking back on my youth it mostly means fighting and backstabbing. Mostly, but not entirely.

You see, my brother Jimmy and I were always trying to get each other in trouble. Some call it "sibling rivalry", but we just called it like we saw it -- the other guy trying to get away with something we didn't want him to do, just because, well, he'd be doing it and I wouldn't be, even if I didn't really want to do it! Writing it down now after so many years, it doesn't seem to make sense. But it doesn't have to, it's just being family.

Well, when my brother Jimmy was about 10 years old (which made me 12), he really, really wanted to join the circus. But when my father found out, a decorated veteran of not one but two wars in Asia, he thundered: "Hell, no! No son of mine's gonna be a clown!" And there went his secret stash of floppy, squeaky shoes and face paint into the trash. He didn't have to guess who tipped the old man off. I called him "Bozo" for years after that.

Undeterred, my brother sought to develop another circus skill that he could practice without my (or my father's) detection. Unfortunately, one day he absentmindedly left a low tightrope stretched out from the tree in the corner of our backyard to the other tree at the side of our house. It ran across the driveway in front of the garage door, and when our dad got home from work that evening he drove right into it, causing a huge part of the tree on the side of our house to tear loose and crumple the hood of his car. Oh BOY, did Jimmy ever get it hot! Nobody lays belt like a Tennessee drill sergeant, I tell you what! I still cheer myself up remembering the look on my dad's face when he got out of that car and yelled, "J..I...MMMM...MMMM....EEEE!!!"

Jimmy gave it one last go and decided he would try being a sword-swallower and fire eater. Well, the first time he tried the fire eating part, one of the torch heads came loose in his throat. Lucky for him, I was in the backyard as he was doing this in the garage. He came stumbling out and his face was all red, and he was choking and gasping something awful. I was going to crack wise on his ass but he really looked like he was in trouble. Plus I could smell something burning, but I didn't know what.

Finally he dropped on the ground, rolling on his back while making a gargling noise, and I noticed the torch still clutched in his other hand. I realized what had happened and came to stand over him.

"Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy... Remember after Daddy threw out your clown shoes, and you said to me you hated my guts so much, you wouldn't piss in my mouth if my stomach was on fire? Well, brother... Here's where I prove I'm better than you!" With that, I dropped my fly open, knelt next to him and pried his jaws apart, put my hose down under his nose and let the yellow water gush out!

Oh, he cursed me out all right later. But I still think I saved his life!

Last edited by robardin; 10-08-2009 at 09:04 PM..
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 10-08-2009, 10:29 PM
Tom Tildrum Tom Tildrum is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Falls Church, Va.
Posts: 9,923
Quote:
Originally Posted by Green Bean View Post
You guys sure are lucky to have penises. When I knock my brother down and pee in his mouth, I have to squat. It's really hard to get a good angle.
It occurred to me that the essay question was perhaps a bit male-oriented.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 10-08-2009, 11:10 PM
The Tao's Revenge The Tao's Revenge is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2008
I'm guessing the teacher was a fan of Malcolm in the Middle.

Also Green Bean, if you're brave, sig?
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 10-09-2009, 09:19 AM
BubbaDog BubbaDog is offline
See, I had a dog named Bubba
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: KC MO or there abouts
Posts: 4,386
.........and then after the oldest brother turns to the audience and asks them whether he should piss in his brother's mouth or not, the mother suddenly jumps up from her steaming pile of goo, runs over to the young lad and shits on his forehead.

"My God", exclaimed the agent. "What do you call this act?"


"The aristocrats!", I shouted.
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 10-09-2009, 09:27 AM
KneadToKnow KneadToKnow is offline
Voodoo Adult (Slight Return)
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Charlotte, NC, USA
Posts: 24,053
Andrew
I knocked my brother Larry down and urinated in his mouth.

Brian
That was you?

Claire
Oh my God.

Andrew
The bizarre thing is that I did it for my old man. I tortured this poor kid because I wanted him to think that I was cool. He's always going off about how when he was in school and all the wild things he used to do. And I got the feeling that he was disappointed that I never cut loose on anyone, right?

So I'm sitting in the locker room and I'm taping up my knee, and Larry's undressing a couple locker's down from me. And he's kinda, he's kinda skinny. Weak. And I started thinkin' about my father, and his attitude about, about weakness. And the next thing I knew, I jumped on top of him and started wailing on him. And my friends, they just laughed and cheered me on.

And afterwards, when I'm sitting in Vernon's office, all I could think about was Larry's father and Larry having to go home and explain what happened to him. And the humiliation - the fucking humiliation he must have felt. It must have been unreal.

I mean, how... how do you apologize for something like that? There's no way. It's all because of me and my old man. God, I fucking hate him. He's like this mindless machine that I can't even relate to anymore. "Andrew! You've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! You're intensity is for shit! Win! Win! Win!" You son of a bitch.

You know, sometimes I wish my knee would give. And I wouldn't be able to wrestle anymore. And he could forget all about me.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 10-09-2009, 09:40 AM
The Great Sun Jester The Great Sun Jester is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
John
I think your old man and my old man should get together and go bowling.
Reply With Quote
Reply



Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:12 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@chicagoreader.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Publishers - interested in subscribing to the Straight Dope?
Write to: sdsubscriptions@chicagoreader.com.

Copyright 2013 Sun-Times Media, LLC.