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  #51  
Old 12-15-2009, 09:43 PM
moonstarssun moonstarssun is offline
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Mine was with a friend of a friend. I'd met Joe once, and mentioned to our mutual friend Jim that I thought he was cute. About 12 seconds after Jim and I ended our call, Joe called me. Not exactly subtle, but flattering, so I agreed to go to a party with him that weekend. Here are the things that went wrong:

1. Joe showed up with two friends in tow. One insisted that everyone call him V (I never learned his actual name) and the other was Jim's brother Jerry. We knew and intensely disliked each other.

2. We got to the party, which was fine. It was a birthday party that a friend of Joe's was hosting for his best friend. It was at her house, where she lived with her horrible little pug dog, Roscoe. Within seconds of walking in the door, Roscoe jumped up and tore my tights with his claws. I was pissed, but every other woman in the place had gotten the "Roscoe treatment," so I laughed it off.

3. Joe's friend had a little presentation to give in honor of the birthday girl, so we all trooped upstairs to watch his slide show and hear him give his toast. They had apparently grown up together, because he had tons of photos of the two of them, from childhood on. As the slide show progressed, it became obvious that the stunning good looks she was in possession of were purchased rather than inborn. The guy summed up his presentation with, "And now you all know what an ugly little hedgehog Kim used to be." Kim flew into a rage and kicked us all out of her house.

4. We went back to Joe's car with the presenter in tow. We found V passed out in the back of Joe's car, with a large puddle of vomit just outside the car door. Joe took one look and added his own to the mix.

5. The presenter (I can't remember his name--sorry) insisted that we all go back to his apartment. I didn't really want to, but I wasn't ready to go home yet either, so I thought, why not. On the way, the presenter, who is gay, started telling V about all the stuff he did to him while he was passed out. Jerry and Joe were confirming the story and V started freaking out and clinging to me, begging me to tell him it wasn't true. I was the party pooper and told him his ass was still pristine.

6. We got back to the presenter's apartment and he and the guys started reminiscing. He was a few years older than they were, and he'd known them since they were in high school. He wanted to hear all the details of how they lost their virginities, their current sexual activities and what their fetishes were. Then he wanted me to join the conversation. When he started asking pointed questions of the guys about orgies and videos, I decided it was time to break up the fun.

7. Joe politely walked me to my door at the end of the date, and dragged back to his car, knowing that he had blown it. I felt a little sorry for him, but I was relieved that he never called me.

Last edited by moonstarssun; 12-15-2009 at 09:43 PM.. Reason: fixing a name to protect the confused
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  #52  
Old 12-15-2009, 10:03 PM
Cliffy Cliffy is offline
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This isn't a patch on the rest of the stories in the thread, but it is the worst first date I've been on. Back in high school, there was a girl, Denise, I thought was quite cute, but she'd had a boyfriend the entire time I'd known her, so I never considered her as a romantic prospect. But anyway, they broke up. At our school the Valentine's Day dance was Sadie Hawkins, and I was pleasantly surprised when she asked me. At the dance itself we had a great time. It's the type of situation I can really flub, but I was on that night -- she laughed at all my jokes, we danced, we talked about stuff and got to know each other. Just a lot of fun.

Afterward, a number of folks decided to get together at a friend's house. They were all people I was friendly with, but more Denise's circle than mine. Had this been our third date, I would have suggested we bag it to go make out in the park and, had we had three dates as much fun as that one, she probably would have been on board. (This is a strategy I had employed to outstanding success at the previous fall's Homecoming dance, but that girl and I had already been dating a couple weeks before the event. With Denise, it would have been much too soon.) But as that wasn't an option, and I wanted very much for the so-far successful evening to continue, off to the party we went.

It turned out that the hostess of this soiree, unbeknownst to me, was the younger sister of a friend who had graduated a couple years prior and who was home from college that weekend. So we spent a few minutes in the kitchen catching up while the rest of them put on The Princess Bride. When I returned to the living room, imagine my surprise to see Denise cuddled up on the floor with some guy from another school -- our friend Lisa's date -- as they quoted the movie's dialogue to each other. Lisa and I spent the next hour sitting together on the couch, watching these two canoodle, pretending to be cool, and seething with resentment. After the movie finished, I ignored Denise and the guy exchanging phone numbers before I took her home and was presented with a chaste kiss on the cheek.

In hindsight I suppose Denise might have gotten the wrong idea if she saw me talking to my friend, a very beautiful college girl in whom I was not at all interested even if I'd had a chance, which I didn't. Or maybe she never saw me chatting with Kelly because Lisa introduced her date and Denise went all Davy Jones. But even 20 years later, it ruined that fucking movie for me.

--Cliffy
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  #53  
Old 12-16-2009, 03:42 AM
Cyberhwk Cyberhwk is offline
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Coworker. We agree to meet at 6:00 at her place. So I show up at 5:50, she said she'll only be a minute. OK, no problem. But she looked completely dressed when I got there and is still spending A TON of time in the bathroom. I mean, she spent about 20 minutes in there or walking between her room and the bathroom.

So I figure shit, whatever. It was sort of a "non-date unless it ended up going well" in the first place. But God damn, WTF is she doing in there? AND WHAT IS THAT FUCKING CLICKING SOUND?!?! She putting things in her hair?

No. BUTANE LIGHTER. After she FINALLY gets out, I tell her now I have to go, turn on the faucet for noise then find her crack pipe hidden below her sink. There had been rumors at work she was mixed up in bad stuff, but nobody had proof. Well, not rumors anymore.

Yeah, I finished the date. Every second was spent thinking, "I can't believe you made me wait 20 minutes while you got strung out in the bathroom." Declined the offer to come in to "watch TV" and we never attempted it again.

Other one wasn't quite as bad, just chronic lateness. We were going to watch Man on Fire and I had us getting there plenty early. I didn't have a car in college, so she offered to pick me up and was 20 minutes late. Then we were another 10 minutes late because she wanted to stop on the way to the movie theater. Then we were another 15 minutes late because HER FRIEND that was supposed to meet us there was late. Then for the rest of the night I can't get a word in edgewise they were yaking so much. Like I wasn't even there.
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  #54  
Old 12-16-2009, 04:12 AM
BigT BigT is offline
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Originally Posted by Ellen Cherry View Post
Poor Chrissy! She thought you had asked her out!
Even worse--she followed him all the way from Indonesia just for a chance to maybe get close to him. She finally gets him to notice her and ask her out, and then it turns out he didn't.

Okay, so that probably isn't it. But it's the first thing that popped into my mind.

As for the thread: I had one dance date where I tried to kiss a girl and poked her eye out, but nothing like the rest of y'all. It was just as well--it turned out she had multiple personality disorder, thought she was a vampire, and, well some more unsavory stuff best left unsaid.
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  #55  
Old 12-16-2009, 10:04 AM
Malthus Malthus is offline
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Originally Posted by Textual Intercourse View Post
**MORAL OBLIGATION ALERT**

You now have one of those rare opportunities. They don't come around often but when they do, one must heed their righteous call. You have the opportunity to do something truly and completely good.

It may hurt. It may even be so humiliating that you cringe just thinking about it. But consider.... Bad First Date Story + LSD = Nothing but fun for the whole family.

Please. Do the right thing.
It probably isn't nearly as much fun to hear as it was embarrasing to live through - but here it is.

I have a wealthy aunt who lives in the same city as my parents. One year, when I was a teenage drug dabbler, she had to go out of town for a few weeks. She did not want to leave her (huge, nice) house empty when she was away, so she hired me to house-sit. I should explain that my aunt was a formidable woman and not a person you would want to cross or take liberties with. We were never close and, for reasons explained below, my house-sitting did not make us closer.

Well, I certainly knew better than to hold a huge party in the place, but being out from under paternal observation was too much temptation for this boy - I was determined to use the opportunity for my advantage!

There was this girl in my high school I was very, very hot for - she was a real beauty and also liked to dabble in the drugs. She seemed to like me well enough and so I invited her to "hang out and get high" with me at my new, temporary place - hoping of course for some romantic action, something I did not hide from her.

Well, she is willing enough and shows up - and while I had thought of doing a bit of pot smoking, she had other ideas. Seems that she was determined to trip, having an empty house to do it in. I had tripped before and I was a trifle unhappy with this plan - I had different plans after all - but I went along with it.

Well, we took the acid and tripped something powerful; I was having a great time, and so was she. After a few hours of heavy tripping in the living room, she wanted to explore the place, and off we went - still tripping heavily.

We were having a grand time going through one ostentatious room after another, when finally we ended up in my aunt's bedroom. I had not actually been in there before - I'd been specifically instructed not to go in that room. The bed was a massive 4-poster with a canopy. She was delighted with this, and basically flung herself on the bed, started bouncing around on it.

This made me nervous - the bed was elaborately made with all sorts of fancy bed covers, surrounded by expensive nick-nacks, and with some expensive lingerie neatly folded on a little stand, and I had been explicitly told not to go in this room. I started to get paranoid about messing the room up. I tried to tell her that perhaps we should move on, but this is were things started to go wrong.

Seems she really took a fancy to the room. More, she was getting increasingly amourous. LSD certainly does not make me horny (though some claim it does for them), but it seems that was the direction her trip was taking her. She tried to get me to join her on the bed. I simply could not - I wanted nothing more than to leave the room at this point, and to get her out of it. Then, she told me to turn around. I did. I heard rusling sounds and she told me to turn back. I nearly died - she had taken off all her clothes and put on my aunt's lingerie, and was reclining in a vampish pose on the bed.

Thing was, without the damn drug I'd have been delighted, joined her on that bed and damn the consequences. But with the drug, I was now completely consumed with concern over the fact I wasn't supposed to mess with my aunt's stuff. Moreover, the fact that she was wearing my aunt's underclothes and lying in my aunt's bed completely put me off - the whole situation was just too much wierdness for my LSD addled brain to handle. As best I could, I tried to convince her to put the lingerie back where she had found it and leave the room - this ended badly. She was convinced I just didn't like her sexually and was rejecting her, and nothing I could say convinced her otherwise which (while tripping) led to a bad scene all around.

Upshot was that she returned to her clothes massively upset and humiliated (there were tears all over the lingerie), departed in a huff, and studiously avoided me thereafter. Worse, in spite of all my care in putting things back the way they were supposed to be and cleaning everything, my aunt noticed that someone (perhaps I) had apparently been wearing her lingerie, which led to her regarding me with less than affection for years.
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  #56  
Old 12-16-2009, 10:15 AM
Textual Intercourse Textual Intercourse is offline
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As for the thread: I had one dance date where I tried to kiss a girl and poked her eye out, but nothing like the rest of y'all. It was just as well--it turned out she had multiple personality disorder, thought she was a vampire, and, well some more unsavory stuff best left unsaid.
With what appendage did you poke her eye out?
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  #57  
Old 12-16-2009, 10:49 AM
Textual Intercourse Textual Intercourse is offline
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It probably isn't nearly as much fun to hear as it was embarrasing to live through - but here it is.
Wow. Not sure what to say here. "I'm sorry for your loss" comes to mind but doesn't seem to cover all the bases.

Nevertheless, you shared your experience and I appreciate that.

The whole acid and sex thing never clicked for me either. The closest I ever came to a sexual experience whilst on the drug was one time when I studied my penis with the most intense scrutiny for over 40 minutes.
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  #58  
Old 12-16-2009, 11:00 AM
Malthus Malthus is offline
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Wow. Not sure what to say here. "I'm sorry for your loss" comes to mind but doesn't seem to cover all the bases.
I never thought of Goldilocks and the Three Bears in quite the same way again.

Quote:
Nevertheless, you shared your experience and I appreciate that.

The whole acid and sex thing never clicked for me either. The closest I ever came to a sexual experience whilst on the drug was one time when I studied my penis with the most intense scrutiny for over 40 minutes.
Some people swear by it. After this, I'm more likely to swear at it.
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  #59  
Old 12-16-2009, 11:11 AM
Jimmy Joe Meager Jimmy Joe Meager is offline
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Originally Posted by Malthus View Post
<what Malthus said>
I'm going to vote this one for the win. It was cringe-worthy on so many levels.
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  #60  
Old 12-16-2009, 01:20 PM
buttonjockey308 buttonjockey308 is offline
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In college, I had a friend named John who had a car. I only had a motorcycle. I had asked a girl (Robin) out on a date for Friday night, but the weather was too cold to ride the bike. John said he would drive us in his car if we found a date for him, thinking that Robin would get him a friend.

Now, Robin had known John for about 6 or 7 years or so, because John was her cousin's best friend. Knowing him as quite a "handy fellow" (if you catch my drift), she was reluctant to allow him near any of her college roommates.

There was a girl named Chrissy at college whom I had known when I was in 6th and 7th grade back in Indonesia. We had met on campus once or twice and had remarked at how small of a world it was.

I asked Chrissy if she would like to go to a play with John and Robin and me, and her face lit up like a Christmas tree. She was all sorts of excited. John and I picked up Robin and Chrissy at the Freshman Girls' dorm, and we headed to the car.

At the car, there was a little awkward moment when I opened the front door for Chrissy and she stepped out of the way and motioned Robin to get in. I didn't really notice what had happened, and invited Chrissy to sit up front.

Robin and I got in the back seat and sat really close together. (It was a small car, after all.) I was sitting behind John, and Chrissy kept looking over her shoulder at me, shooting weird glances my way.

Somewhere along the line, Robin picked up on the negative vibes and whispered, "Does she know that she's John's date and not yours?"

Strangely, Chrissy never spoke to me after that.

Me and Robin?

Celebrated 26 years of marriage this past July.
And THAT kids, is how I met your mother. /Saget



My worst first date(s) happened in the same week. As a prolific user of phone dating when it was popular (early-mid 90's) I made two dates in the same week. The first young lady wanted me to pick her up at home (which was far from my home) I looked up restaurants in her area, picked one, made reservations bought a small but nice floral arrangement and went to the address she'd given me. Mind you, this was in a bustling city neighborhood so there was little parking to be had.

I parked down the block and walked to her home. There, on the front porch of what looked like the Clampett residence pre-Texas Tea, was my date du jour. A charming mix of NASCAR fan (before it was cool, mind you) and competitive eater, with a dash of unwashed madness in her eyes, while sporting her kool-aid stained rainbow brite t-shirt that was straining at the seams. I walked up the sidewalk to where she sat on the porch, announced myself and in reply she bellowed "MAMA, MY BOYFRIEND'S HEAH, COME AND GET STINKY* AND JO-JO*" which were her equally fat and filthy children, I think (*names have been changed).

At that point, I decided to call the date a wash (HA!), pulled my work pager off of my belt and said "Hey, I just got called into work, big fire, I'll call you" The urgency had given the perfect cover to run away, which I did as if I were the one on fire.

The second date was the one I hoped would go the best. A charming lass was she, we talked for hours on hours and got along famously on the phone until we'd both cleared time for an in-person date. We ended up eating at a denny's, going to a movie and at her suggestion, getting a 6-pack and room (as we couldn't go back to either ones' places for various reasons). We did and things progressed as one would assume they would in that situation until...

While in the throes of typical male-female foreplay I discovered shockingly that she was, in fact, a virgin. I also found that I HANDily, if you get my meaning, changed that, which left her a blubbering, sobbing mess and thus ended the night and the possiblity of a relationship.
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  #61  
Old 12-16-2009, 01:43 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Oh, buttonjockey, that reminds me.

It wasn't a first date, but a second date. On the first date she seemed not ony amorous but relatively non-psycho. It was a good date. On the second date, I was beginning to see though the cracks, but I was a little blinded by optimism. Fool that I was, I invited her up to my place. I should have gotten a clue when she insisted, rather strongly, that I not turn on any lights. When we started fooling around she gave me some stimulation. No much, mind you. In fact, so little that I was barely certain that she was touching me at all. And this "stimulation" went on for maybe 30 seconds. I think not even that long.

She was so upset that she didn't bring me to orgasm that she ended up crying into my pillow for like an hour, complaining about what an ugly loser she was.

Anyone that thinks that there is no such thing as bad sex needs to read that three times.
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  #62  
Old 12-16-2009, 01:48 PM
melodyharmonius melodyharmonius is offline
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When we started fooling around she gave me some stimulation. No much, mind you. In fact, so little that I was barely certain that she was touching me at all. And this "stimulation" went on for maybe 30 seconds. I think not even that long.

She was so upset that she didn't bring me to orgasm that she ended up crying into my pillow for like an hour, complaining about what an ugly loser she was.

Anyone that thinks that there is no such thing as bad sex needs to read that three times.

So is this where I tell the story about "my first time" and how after much awkwardness he whispered to me "can i come inside you?" and I looked up in surprise and said "you're inside me?"
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  #63  
Old 12-16-2009, 01:54 PM
Happy Fun Ball Happy Fun Ball is offline
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Originally Posted by buttonjockey308 View Post
While in the throes of typical male-female foreplay I discovered shockingly that she was, in fact, a virgin. I also found that I HANDily, if you get my meaning, changed that, which left her a blubbering, sobbing mess and thus ended the night and the possiblity of a relationship.
Doh!
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  #64  
Old 12-16-2009, 02:10 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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So is this where I tell the story about "my first time" and how after much awkwardness he whispered to me "can i come inside you?" and I looked up in surprise and said "you're inside me?"
Ouch. Or maybe, the exact opposite of ouch.
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  #65  
Old 12-16-2009, 02:16 PM
melodyharmonius melodyharmonius is offline
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Ouch. Or maybe, the exact opposite of ouch.
Yeah, he didn't hang around long after that. That's why I often say that my first time didn't count. Because, y'know, if a virgin can't feel it . . .
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  #66  
Old 12-16-2009, 02:20 PM
Cat Fight Cat Fight is offline
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"You don't have to use protection if you don't want to..."

"WHAT???"

I was totally shocked. I said, "We only met, like, four hours ago. Don't you want to...you know...go on a date or get to know each other first?"

She looked totally confused. "You're not gay, are you?" she asked.

"Uh, no..."

"Oh, sorry. You just had a different reaction than most guys." (!!!!!!!!!!)

She left a few minutes later. Never saw her again...which is probably for the best.
You can call this one The Night I Didn't Get AIDS.

These are all horrible and amazing. I am practically orgasmic with schadenfreude.
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  #67  
Old 12-16-2009, 02:31 PM
buttonjockey308 buttonjockey308 is offline
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Originally Posted by L. G. Butts, Ph.D. View Post
Doh!
To say the least.
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  #68  
Old 12-16-2009, 02:37 PM
Malthus Malthus is offline
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I'm going to vote this one for the win. It was cringe-worthy on so many levels.
I'm not sure this is a contest I want to win.
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  #69  
Old 12-16-2009, 02:42 PM
John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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I think I did this one in the 'worst blind dates' thread from awhile back. It was actually a double-date, my friend and his fiancee and this woman friend of his. She showed up with literally TONS of makeup spackled to her face (I had previously made it clear to my friend that I prefer light makeup at worst, tho perhaps my mistake was not making my preference clear in this instance). She made a pass at me in the backseat on the way back from the movie-I tried to be polite as I could, but no. If she wasn't pushy and didn't have this white death mask thing she might have actually been a bit cute. The friendship didn't survive much longer (his wife, who browbeat him at every turn, was a fanatical fundie).
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  #70  
Old 12-16-2009, 02:51 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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I know I've told this story before, but...

Back in July or so I met a bunch of women at a singles event. So many that I forgot half of them by the time I left. But there were several that made enough of an impression on me that I decided I wanted to see them again. One in particular was especially intriguing to me. I think her name was Kate.

Kate was a hottie. Jet black hair and totally adorable.

A few days later I checked to see if I had any matches. Indeed, Kate was a match. Woo hoo! The total hottie with the jet black hair wanted to date me!

We ended up e-mailing each other a few times, but it was several weeks before we could actually get together. Two or three weeks, in fact. So the night of our first date, I was walking to our meeting place, and I saw this really cute blonde. I smiled at her, she smiled at me. I should have tried talking to her, but I didn't want to be late for Kate. And this girl was cute, but was no Kate.

So I get to the place, go inside, and have a look around. Kate's not there yet. I decided to wait outside for her. She was running late, this Kate, for our date. As I was standing there, I saw the cute blonde. She smailed, walked up to me, and said "Hi, tdn, right?" Uh... Wha... Er... Yeah, I guess so. She asked me if I wanted to go into the place. Uh, yeah, why not?

So we're sitting at a table, drinking lemonade, and having this great conversation, and I thinking "Who the hell is this girl?" I was tempted to say that there must be some mistake, I was there to meet Kate, and I have no recollection of who she is. About 45 minutes into it, she mentioned something that triggered a memory. I had met her! Right after I met Kate.

Laura, I mean. I met Kate right after I met Laura.

There were a million ways things could have gone much worse with that.
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  #71  
Old 12-16-2009, 03:13 PM
FloatyGimpy FloatyGimpy is offline
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Originally Posted by buttonjockey308 View Post
While in the throes of typical male-female foreplay I discovered shockingly that she was, in fact, a virgin. I also found that I HANDily, if you get my meaning, .
I don't know what this means, the Handily bit.
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  #72  
Old 12-16-2009, 03:15 PM
Ferret Herder Ferret Herder is offline
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I don't know what this means, the Handily bit.
I'm assuming he means that manual/digital/using fingers foreplay on his part tore her hymen, painfully.
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  #73  
Old 12-16-2009, 04:17 PM
Mahna Mahna Mahna Mahna is offline
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My worst first date actually seemed like your typical garden-variety no-chemistry internet date.

We met up at a funky martini lounge that was my default first-date place (good drinks, good food, lively crowd, music just loud enough to fill those awkward conversational gaps, and with a layout that could allow one to make a quick exit under the cover of a "bathroom trip" if things got too weird).

It started off rather well - he looked like his pictures, wasn't emitting any noxious smells, and was doing a great job of talking to my face rather than my boobs.

Things got a bit uncomfortable as we continued talking. Apparently, he'd mistaken our date for an interview, because he went on and on and on about his fabulous job, his big paycheque, his giant house in the 'burbs, his expensive car, his big career aspirations, blah blah blah. I couldn't really get much of a word in edgewise, so I just nodded and made the occasional interested sound.

As if that wasn't bad enough, as this whole monologue was unfolding, he decided to up the ante by clasping one of my hands while gazing intently into my eyes. In my books, that's just not a first date kind of move, especially since I'm rarely touchy-feely with anyone but very close friends or significant others... so I'd gently extract my hand from his ardent clasp, only to have him grab it again a second or two later. Eventually, I just kept one hand on my martini glass and the other under the table where he wouldn't be able to reach it.

At some point, he'd run out of ways to tell me what an awesome person he was, so he decided to start telling me all about his terrible breakup with his ex instead. That's when I drained my glass, called for the bill, and told him I'd need to call it a night becuase I had an early shift the next day. We exchanged the usual pleasantries once we got outside, and then I quickly hailed a cab before he could work up the nerve for a kiss.

A week later, he IMed me. "Nice meeting you. BTW, don't think it's going to work out between us." Duh... really? That was blatantly obvious, based on how our date had ended and the fact that neither of us had emailed or IMed for the past week, but I figured I may as well ask him why he'd gotten that impression.


So here's where it goes from bad to just laughable:

Apparently, Mr GrabbyHands felt I had been terribly rude by not inviting him home to my place that night.

You see, he'd had two martinis by the time we parted ways at 10pm, and he didn't feel fit to drive all the way back to the suburbs in his condition... so instead, he's been forced to go to his downtown office to sleep under his desk, and he'd gotten a terrible backache from sleeping on a hard floor all night.

That, he said, was all my fault because any girl who had any shred of compassion would have taken him back to her place and offered him a place to sleep for the night. Preferably in her bed.

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  #74  
Old 12-16-2009, 04:31 PM
TruCelt TruCelt is offline
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Originally Posted by tdn View Post
I know I've told this story before, but...

Back in July or so I met a bunch of women at a singles event. So many that I forgot half of them by the time I left. But there were several that made enough of an impression on me that I decided I wanted to see them again. One in particular was especially intriguing to me. I think her name was Kate.

Kate was a hottie. Jet black hair and totally adorable.

A few days later I checked to see if I had any matches. Indeed, Kate was a match. Woo hoo! The total hottie with the jet black hair wanted to date me!

We ended up e-mailing each other a few times, but it was several weeks before we could actually get together. Two or three weeks, in fact. So the night of our first date, I was walking to our meeting place, and I saw this really cute blonde. I smiled at her, she smiled at me. I should have tried talking to her, but I didn't want to be late for Kate. And this girl was cute, but was no Kate.

So I get to the place, go inside, and have a look around. Kate's not there yet. I decided to wait outside for her. She was running late, this Kate, for our date. As I was standing there, I saw the cute blonde. She smailed, walked up to me, and said "Hi, tdn, right?" Uh... Wha... Er... Yeah, I guess so. She asked me if I wanted to go into the place. Uh, yeah, why not?

So we're sitting at a table, drinking lemonade, and having this great conversation, and I thinking "Who the hell is this girl?" I was tempted to say that there must be some mistake, I was there to meet Kate, and I have no recollection of who she is. About 45 minutes into it, she mentioned something that triggered a memory. I had met her! Right after I met Kate.

Laura, I mean. I met Kate right after I met Laura.

There were a million ways things could have gone much worse with that.
I've read this three times and I'm still lost. Did Kate stand you up? Or was the date actually made with Laura??
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  #75  
Old 12-16-2009, 04:37 PM
Happy Fun Ball Happy Fun Ball is offline
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I've read this three times and I'm still lost. Did Kate stand you up? Or was the date actually made with Laura??
I am pretty sure that Laura was the raven haired cutie he thought he was meeting, but he had actually set up the date with Kate, who happened to be blonde.
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  #76  
Old 12-16-2009, 06:05 PM
kidneyfailure kidneyfailure is offline
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You can call this one The Night I Didn't Get AIDS.

These are all horrible and amazing. I am practically orgasmic with schadenfreude.
Yeah, I didn't get AIDS, but I was stuck with two cups of coffee I had to drink by myself.
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  #77  
Old 12-16-2009, 06:11 PM
Sunspace Sunspace is offline
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Yeah, I didn't get AIDS, but I was stuck with two cups of coffee I had to drink by myself.
Somehow this sums up modern life for me.
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  #78  
Old 12-16-2009, 07:04 PM
banjoDavid banjoDavid is offline
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My worst first date, and the flip side

I had been answering ads in a free weekly paper to meet women. Most were OK, not much chemistry, so 1 or 2 dates and that's all.
One date, however, we had talked on the phone and there was enough interest on both our parts to meet. We suggested a poetry night at the local Unitarian Church, I said OK. We went for dinner first, then the poetry night.
Lesbian Poetry Night. I'm open minded enough for that
We sat at a table, she had her back to me the ENTIRE night.
I wondered what kind of a test this was, and never called her again.

On a positive note, in the same paper years later I answered an ad, and next week marks 5 1/2 years together!
I haven't heard lesbian poetry for a while, though.
David
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  #79  
Old 12-17-2009, 04:02 AM
Fastidiots Fastidiots is offline
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I had been dragged along as a pet-friend for nearly a year by a tall, toothy, flexible dancer during highschool, desparate for any kind of female attention, and happy to embarass myself for what amounted to a decent friendship. I was in with all of her family, called Mrs. Dancer mum - and had gotten to the point where I was invited for a family dinner at an Italian joint.

I don't know if it was the fundy Christian school, or my docile manner around her family - but for some reason Dancer thought I was just the bestest BFF evar - how I hid my raunchy dance studio day dreams from my gaze I'll never know. But when she let a pair of snow white low rise jeans tease the creases in the small of her back I just - well I chaffed myself more weeknights than not.

So I insisted we go to a flick before said family dinner, and I had insisted on paying for tickets and what seemed like a five gallon barrel the God's nectar, rootbeer. The theatre was speckled with a couple pairs per row, and we sat center middle because I liked the acoustics better. I was a little bit nervous for some reason, and my hands had gotten a little twitchy. Sitting through previews we were gossiping about the usual, when I felt the need to ease the dryness in my throat.

We'll hadn't the bottom of my canister O' soda barely cleared the cup holder when my uneasy fingers lost their grip to clip the lid off the drink as it departed my hand. It tipped perfectly to flood her white denim groin with enough rootbeer to drown a sailor. She shot straight up, a quarter turn to me, and with her quivering fists at her side shireked "I HATE YOU!". And stomped to the end of the row to flop cross legged, trying to warm her now soaked and sweetened girly bits.

One onethousand, two onethousand - and the entire theatre BURST into laughter, as I slumped with my jaw slack, trying to wake up from a dream.

To her credit we were both extroverts, and it was playful punishment on her part which she knew I could handle. And I got even more brownie points with her mother, retelling the story about her brown pants at dinner. Though it turns out maternal brownie points are non-transferable, and worthless to buy Dancer-tail.

That particular friendship ended after I was well and truely done being her warm shoulder some months later in an excursion to a cabin in the mountains. In a big teary charade, she made clear that I couldn't be the object of her affection. And I was crooked about losing a friend, rejection, and embarrassment.

In other news - she's now a single mother of two on welfare!

My never-called-back, oops-didn't-I-mention-I-was-moving-to-BC prom date, broke her back in a car accident not six weeks into summer.

And my first proper girlfriend (who snuck out of our bed in the middle of the night to see her ex), I kicked out. She then moved back in with her family to lose everything in a house fire.

My current girlfriend (soon to be fiance... shush!) has been steadfast by my side nearly three years! And I've only tried to kill her in two car accidents, and a sommersault incident!
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  #80  
Old 12-17-2009, 04:13 AM
Nava Nava is online now
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So is this where I tell the story about "my first time" and how after much awkwardness he whispered to me "can i come inside you?" and I looked up in surprise and said "you're inside me?"
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Originally Posted by melodyharmonius View Post
Yeah, he didn't hang around long after that. That's why I often say that my first time didn't count. Because, y'know, if a virgin can't feel it . . .
It was no first date, but a friend of mine started seeing a guy six years older when she was fourteen (he didn't know her age for months, he knew she was "in high school" but not that it wsa 9th grade). Four years later, she missed a period. And another. She'd always been irregular, but this was a bit much; she mentioned it to him, and he went "oh shit, so what does the stick say?"

"What stick?"
"Uh, pregnancy test."
"But we haven't done it."
"Eeeh... yes we have?"
"No we haven't!"
"Oh Jesus Mary Joseph... remember that day at the beach, we went up first while my parents went to get lunch and we got some action on the sofa?"
"Well, yeah."
"That was it."
"What?!"

The stick said positive, by the way. Oops.
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  #81  
Old 12-17-2009, 07:47 AM
tdn tdn is offline
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Originally Posted by L. G. Butts, Ph.D. View Post
I am pretty sure that Laura was the raven haired cutie he thought he was meeting, but he had actually set up the date with Kate, who happened to be blonde.
That's it. Laura was the brunette, Kate was the blonde. I thought that Kate was Laura.
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  #82  
Old 12-17-2009, 08:29 AM
mischievous mischievous is offline
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I knew a man who was one of the world's great seducers. Beautiful man. One evening, he introduced me to a friend of his, also intensely beautiful. Said friend asks for my number. Now given the context, I wasn't expecting anything more than possibly some fun nookie, but I was definitely up for some fun nookie with this guy.

He calls, we arrange to meet at a restaurant I know well. I arrive fully five minutes late (in NYC, where anything less than 20 minutes goes unnoticed) and he has already ordered an appetizer and gives me a passive-aggressive whine about being late. I apologize, but make it clear that I'm not going to put up with more whining about a five minute discrepancy.

When the waiter comes to take my order, he declines to order anything other than the appetizer he is already eating. I am confused by this, as it will mean that we're eating entirely at separate times. Whatever. He also doesn't want a drink of any kind. I get the feeling that, despite being born and raised in NYC, he is strangely unfamiliar with the concept of restaurants, and also hasn't brought enough money to cover more than his appetizer.

After about 20 minutes in which I try (and fail) to make conversation, he suddenly decides to start talking. And talking. And talking. For at least an hour I can't get a word in edgewise, and the stories start getting weirder and more grandiose.

At some point, he starts talking about the D.C. sniper attacks , which were then in progress. He declared that he had just decided that enough was enough, really, and since he was pretty sure he knew who the shooter was, he was going to take his posse down to D.C. and rough the guy up. This guy was scaring people, see, and that sort of shit just didn't fly.

At this point, I think to myself: either your date is a self-aggrandizing moron with a tenuous grasp on reality (bad), or he is the sort of person who knows homocidal lunatics and fails to report them to the police when they go on rampages (very bad). Either way, he is someone who thinks that it's okay to reveal this information to a first date (also bad).

Eventually, I break into his monologue, explain that I have to go, pay for my portion of the check, and leave. I don't think I left any impression that I ever wanted to have anything to do with this guy again. Unsurprisingly, he did not call again.







Until four months later, when he phoned out of the blue. He asked if I remembered him, and I said yes, I remembered him, but I hadn't expected to hear from him again since our last meeting had gone so poorly. He, shocked and hurt, said that he had thought we got along swimmingly and was eager to hang out with me again. I very gently explained to him that I hadn't felt any spark and wasn't inclined to explore the relationship further.

How do you get to be that smokin' hot without ever learning the rudiments of social interactions?
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  #83  
Old 12-17-2009, 08:35 AM
Malthus Malthus is offline
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How do you get to be that smokin' hot without ever learning the rudiments of social interactions?
Maybe if you are that smokin' hot, you don't need to.
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  #84  
Old 12-17-2009, 10:06 AM
Serenata67 Serenata67 is offline
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My worst date:

It was a guy I met online (I think Match.com, which is also where I met the man I'm marrying, but anyway...). We were meeting for dinner at a restaurant in the area which is a nicer restaurant, not "jacket required" but pretty nice. He shows up wearing cutoff jean shorts (I thought those things went into extinction in the mid 90s!) and a cutoff T-shirt. And he was sweaty. Eew. So I had a drink with him and he went on and on about himself and his mutt giving birth (not exactly good pre-dinner conversation), burping and otherwise being gross. After a bit he asked if I wanted to get a table. I said, "No, thank you. I'm just not feeling it." Then, loudly, he proclaimed, "Well, I wouldn't want to have dinner with you either, you bitch!" Everyone in the bar area looked at us... I was so embarrassed. I muttered something like "I'm sorry" and threw some money on the bar (Lord knows he wasn't going to pay for my drinks) and left.

I was too embarrassed to show my face in that restaurant for quite some time. I didn't want the waitstaff thinking "That's the bitch." or anything like that. And I really like that restaurant!
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  #85  
Old 12-17-2009, 10:57 AM
melodyharmonius melodyharmonius is offline
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Is it really bad that I'm really loving this? I have more bad date stories - but I don't want to hog the thread.
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  #86  
Old 12-17-2009, 11:04 AM
salinqmind salinqmind is offline
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I was really hoping at the end of that LSD story in the aunt's fancy house that both of them would have shat on the bed or something....Mine involved a first date where my date (not driving, it was a double date) drank enough Bali Hai (cheap fruity wine) that he vomited onto my mini-skirt clad lap in the back seat. Apologized, hung his head out the window and continued vomiting, which coated that side of the car. It was impressive, none of us realized so much upchuck could come out of one human. We finished off the evening at a car wash. I did not give my date a kiss goodnight. I did not want to go on another date with him, either. C'est la vie.
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  #87  
Old 12-17-2009, 12:42 PM
FallenAngel FallenAngel is offline
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I have a couple.

In one I'd used Yahoo personals. I had a few email exchanges with this woman who sounded nice, was funny, etc. We traded photos and agreed to meet at a coffee shop.

I got there early, found a table and started watching the door. After about 45 minutes no one matching her photo had come in. I got up and walked around the joint. Nobody even close.

As I was going back to my table to finish my coffee and head out if she hadn't shown up by then a woman touched my arm and asked me if I was (my name). I was genuinely confused. She was about twice the size of the girl in the picture and was at the table with two kids, around a year and a half and four.

I said yes and she said she was whatever her name was. I said, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you. Let me get my stuff and join you," even though my instinct was to run away. The out of date picture and two previously unmentioned children set of lots of alarm bells, but I hate being rude.

Anyway, we talked. The kids were hers, she was divorced, looking to go back into the Air Force, etc. Then she drove the last nail in an already tightly sealed coffin. "Maybe, since you're a workout buff, once we get serious you can help me get back in shape so I can pass the Air Force physical fitness tests."

So, let's see: Conceals major life situation / status information, misrepresents her appearance, has goals completely incompatible with my life direction wants a free personal trainer and has already decided we were going to "get serious"...

That was the first time in my life I ever faked a cell phone call. I went outside for two minutes, came back in and told her my sister had a flat and that I needed to go help her out, covered our tab, said goodbye to the (nice and well-behaved) kids and high tailed it out of there.
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  #88  
Old 12-17-2009, 12:51 PM
melodyharmonius melodyharmonius is offline
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I just don't understand people misrepresenting themselves in online dating sites. When my marriage ended and I started hitting the dating sites, I made sure to use realistic pictures of myself. I even made it a point to post a new picture each month so people would know it was truly recent. I'm fat and fabu, and I would never want to date anyone who didn't agree.

I always loved when I would meet someone and they would tell me, "You're prettier than your picture!"

I would hate it if someone met me in real life after seeing the picture and thought I looked worse.

FWIW - YMMV.
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  #89  
Old 12-17-2009, 12:55 PM
FallenAngel FallenAngel is offline
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In another instance, I was home from my second year of college and hanging out at the bar attached to the bowling alley in my rinky dink home town, since it had the only level pool table and I was hustling for tuition, in addition to working a summer job.

The counter girl at the bowling alley developed a huge crush on me. She was really cute and pretty, with gorgeous red hair, nice body and a great smile. The bar manager let me know and I asked her out.

We went out for dinner and a movie. I never once got a bad vibe off her. She seemed to be having a good time. I was a gentleman and well-behaved throughout the night. I drove her home, walked her to her door and went to kiss her goodnight, only to be met with, "Ohmigod, please don't kiss me!" I was caught flat footed, but I shook her hand, thanked her for a nice evening then drove home.

Talking to the bar manager the next day it turns out the girl had constructed an entire identity for me and was repulsed when I didn't turn out to be the guy she'd made up.

Yeah, I always had a knack for attracting the crazy.
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  #90  
Old 12-17-2009, 12:59 PM
dhkendall dhkendall is offline
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Originally Posted by mischievous View Post
How do you get to be that smokin' hot without ever learning the rudiments of social interactions?
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Originally Posted by mischievous View Post
born and raised in NYC
I think you answered your own question.
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  #91  
Old 12-17-2009, 01:45 PM
Projammer Projammer is offline
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Talking to the bar manager the next day it turns out the girl had constructed an entire identity for me and was repulsed when I didn't turn out to be the guy she'd made up.
So did you find out the differences between the you in her head and the you that was you?

My story.

Is it really a bad date if you didn't know you were on a date?

I was working on an out of town contract and living in a hotel. The restaurant in the hotel was decent so I'd eat dinner there most nights. And flirt outragously with the waitress. She'd flirt back and everyone was having a good time. I'd been there a couple of weeks and knew everyone by name.

One evening I'm going to get supper and ran into the day shift cook who was just getting off. I'll call him Bill. He suggests grabbing a bite somewhere else and just hanging out for a while. Sounded like a good idea since I didn't really know anyone socially in the town. We went to a bar/grill and had a few drinks and a good meal. General chit-chat about the area and other unmemorable topics. The only noteworthy event was when some redneck type guy tries to pick a fight with Bill for flirting with his girl and gets himself thrown out. IIRC, the flirting amounted to looking in her direction and smiling politely.

After that, Bill suggested that we go to his place and watch some TV. No problem, lead on! We get to his place and I get settled in with a beer and something on the TV. Bill announces that he needs a shower after work and being at the bar and heads off to the bathroom. -queue shower sounds-

About 5 minutes later he comes out with a towel around his waist and sits down on the couch beside me. Then lays his head in my lap and declares that he finds me incredibly attractive. A few seconds later he gets up and returns to the shower. At that point I depart and drive back to my own hotel. I don't recall if I ever did see him again at his work.

Now, my gaydar has never been finely tuned, but I can usually tell when another guy is attracted to or hitting on me. That came completely in from left field.
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  #92  
Old 12-17-2009, 02:47 PM
melodyharmonius melodyharmonius is offline
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Originally Posted by Projammer View Post
Is it really a bad date if you didn't know you were on a date?
Not as bad as not knowing you were having sex (Nava's story)
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  #93  
Old 12-17-2009, 03:04 PM
Ogre Ogre is offline
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Wow. Mine's boring and pathetic compared to these.

Essentially, I asked this flirtatious little minx, with whom I'd been making eyes for weeks, out on a date. She readily agreed. We had a nice dinner. I paid. She then got a phone call, and announced that she would have to be leaving, since her BOYFRIEND wanted to meet up with her for a movie.



I've always wondered if that phone call was a prearranged event, and she just wanted a free meal.

Last edited by Ogre; 12-17-2009 at 03:05 PM..
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  #94  
Old 12-17-2009, 03:10 PM
mischievous mischievous is offline
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Originally Posted by dhkendall View Post
I think you answered your own question.
Huh? I generally find people born and raised in NYC to have exceptional social skills, at least in the making-idle-chit-chat phases of a relationship, if not so much in the deep intimacy phases. Certainly, every native New Yorker I've met knows restaurant etiquette, given that eating out is so common.
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  #95  
Old 12-17-2009, 03:16 PM
Cat Fight Cat Fight is offline
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Originally Posted by Ferret Herder View Post
I'm assuming he means that manual/digital/using fingers foreplay on his part tore her hymen, painfully.
That's how I interpreted it, too, which wouldn't really be de-virginizing her, really (or if it would, there are tons of lothario tampons out there. Like lesbians and horsebackriding, yet another monkey wrench in the definition of virginity).

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Originally Posted by FallenAngel View Post
Talking to the bar manager the next day it turns out the girl had constructed an entire identity for me and was repulsed when I didn't turn out to be the guy she'd made up.
This is why you don't put the prick on a pedestal! (Sorry, it was the best I could do, and I don't even know if you're a dude.)
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  #96  
Old 12-17-2009, 04:40 PM
Swallowed My Cellphone Swallowed My Cellphone is offline
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Now, my gaydar has never been finely tuned, but I can usually tell when another guy is attracted to or hitting on me. That came completely in from left field.
That reminds me of an awkward first date averted: when my sister turned 28 a bunch of us had dinner and then went to a club. The club was a very "mixed" venue, and once a month had a women's dance (read: lesbian night at the club). We picked that night for her birthday party (ETA: she's gay and was single at the time), and a long-time family friend of ours "David" and I were the only guys in the club.

A work friend of my sister's was there, Laura From Work. She asked if I was single, at the time I was, and said she had a friend I'd be perfect for. She went on to describe a "young Korean hottie" named Seng-hee and in my mind, I was picturing an exotic lass like Yumiko from Karate Kid: Part II. Rowr!

I swear I don't remember hearing any pronoun's in the discussion! I blame the loud music at the club. Or the fact that I was too distracted by my filthy mind's daydreams about that raven haired vixen, Yumiko. Rowr! In any case, Laura From Work collected my email to pass along to the Korean hottie, and thus a blind date was in the works for yours truly.

My sister caught wind of the set-up in time to avert an awkward meet-up and tell me "Okay, so... Seng-hee is a guy's name." .... ...... ......

Apparently, things went awry due to Laura From Work asking my sister about gay siblings and my sister either misheard or misinterpreted the question and said: "Yes, I have a younger brother." So at the time she met me Laura From Work had a preconceived idea that I was gay too. Contributing to the misunderstanding: David and I had been sort of chilling out at the bar, trying really hard not to look like two skeevy straight guys who were attending lesbian night for all the wrong reasons. Laura From Work had asked David if we were "a couple" and he had answered a resounding "NO!" but hadn't actually clarified our straightness by displaying his chest hair, burping, and crushing a beer can on his forehead. He'd only said he was an old friend and went back to sipping his dainty, little crantini.

But all's well that ends well. FWIW I did go meet up with Seng-hee for the now-friends-only coffee date, because we were both trying to be good sports about the mix-up, we had a lot in common, and were both new to the city. We played squash a few times (not a euphemism, the actual racket sport, so get your mind out of the gutter), but he was really, really good and I was "meh", so it wasn't any fun for either of us.

And technically, Laura From Work was right about the "Korean hottie" stuff. He was a buff dude who kind of looked like a tall muscular B.D. Wong with awesome hair. Girls would sit on the bench behind the squash courts (glass wall) to watch him play, but totally ignored me!

Last edited by Swallowed My Cellphone; 12-17-2009 at 04:43 PM..
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  #97  
Old 12-17-2009, 05:53 PM
kidneyfailure kidneyfailure is offline
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This is the best thread on the Dope.

Reading all these makes me feel less bad about my own terrible dates. Keep 'em coming!
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  #98  
Old 12-17-2009, 05:56 PM
dhkendall dhkendall is offline
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Originally Posted by mischievous View Post
Huh? I generally find people born and raised in NYC to have exceptional social skills, at least in the making-idle-chit-chat phases of a relationship, if not so much in the deep intimacy phases. Certainly, every native New Yorker I've met knows restaurant etiquette, given that eating out is so common.
Hense the I know the "rude New Yorker" is a stereotype, but it is a prevalent stereotype, so I figured it was obvious I was riffing on the "New Yorker stereotype"
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  #99  
Old 12-18-2009, 12:13 AM
Chef Troy Chef Troy is offline
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I am SO grateful right now that Mrs. Chef thought I was worth marrying all those years ago, and now I don't ever have to go on another first date again my whole life.

And we met when I was 12 and she was 13 at a dance at my military school, and just gradually became a couple without ever going on a capital-D Date of the get-to-know-you variety, so I never even had a first date with HER.

The closest I can offer happened during the six months when I got to college, lost my mind, and broke up with her because my fraternity brothers gave me astoundingly bad advice when we were all drunk. The fraternity had an annual party on a ... well, can I still call it a "riverboat" if it was on a lake? What the hell, it was a riverboat. I invited this girl to be my date because I heard she was easy. She accepted because she was attracted to one of my pledge brothers and wanted to get on the boat so she could ditch me and chase him.

One could argue that I sort of deserved it, since I hadn't asked her out of ANY interest in her as a person, but I felt pretty mistreated. I spent the whole time on the boat pounding down Southern Comfort at way too rapid a pace, then went upstairs and sat facing a bulkhead to keep any visible movement out of my field of vision in a vain attempt to stave off vomiting.

Finally I knew it was no use, so I went to the back of the boat and stared at the churning, roiling wake. This sent me over the Puke Event Horizon within seconds, and as I began to return all that Southern Comfort to the wild, I realized soddenly that I was on the UPPER deck of this boat. And that people were hanging over the rail on the LOWER deck. Not cool, Brother Cheffie!

The lake was maybe an hour's drive from where the frat house was, and I was NOT going to let this girl get back in my car. If she liked my pledge brother so goddamned much, she could damn well beg him and HIS date for a ride back to town, I decided in my magnificently wounded outrage. (Others prevailed on me not to ditch her; the outrage eventually yielded to my basically not-assholish nature, and I let her get in the car. I did not speak a word to her the whole way, though.)

Not long after that, I humbly crawled back to the future Mrs. Chef, who had (with a wisdom greater than mine which she retains to this day) realized that I would eventually come to my senses and decided to just outwait me. I still don't know how I got so lucky, but I'm not screwing up again -- she gets nightly footrubs.
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  #100  
Old 12-18-2009, 12:54 AM
TubaDiva TubaDiva is offline
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Originally Posted by FallenAngel View Post
Talking to the bar manager the next day it turns out the girl had constructed an entire identity for me and was repulsed when I didn't turn out to be the guy she'd made up.
After playing at a convention I was having a drink in the hotel bar and a guy who had been in the audience during my concert came up and started talking to me.

We wound up hanging out and talking so much that we closed the bar and as he put me in a cab he asked me out the next night.

I met him as scheduled and we had a drink at a little place and dinner down the street somewhere else. It all seemed very nice except that he got quieter and quieter and seemed less involved and was withdrawing from me. I couldn't figure out why but it did become obvious the evening would soon be over.

So we step outside and he's putting me in another cab. And as the cab door closes he says to me in a somewhat peeved tone of voice, "You're not as exciting in real life as you are on stage."

Rita Hayworth said, "Men fall in love with Gilda, but they wake up with me." I never dreamed I'd know exactly where she was coming from. (Put the blame on Mame, boys.)
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