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  #1  
Old 01-15-2010, 02:31 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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I Have Given My Wife Permission To See Other Men.....

....... if she wants to, and I think it's okay that I did that, given my situation (the dementia and the accompanying depression).

She is 61, but looks 15 years younger than that (runs in her family), and I cannot see letting her go without whatever she needs.

Sometimes, I am so withdrawn that I cannot even smile at her or give her a hug without being asked, and that just isn't the way it's supposed to be.

So far, I've gotten the "Don't be silly, I married you for better or worse the first time and that's what I married you for the second time too!"

Doing it all: Seeing the shrink, going for counselling twice a month, topping out on all kinds of meds (which are more than likely causing the "problem").

What the fuck else can I do??

And NO! I'm not thinking of doing myself in! Just wondering if I might not be better off living completely alone?

I've even looked into going into a monestary-type thing, but who's gonna take some washed-up psychiatric "headache" like me?

Yeah, I know: "Go back and read paragraph #4 up there, Quasi!"

Sorry, but that doesn't work for me.

That woman deserves better.

Thanks for letting me "vent". I don't know what I'd do without y'all.

Q
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  #2  
Old 01-15-2010, 02:34 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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Take the quotation marks away from the word "permission", please!

I don't know why I did that!

She has FULL permission!

Q
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  #3  
Old 01-15-2010, 02:38 PM
Sigmagirl Sigmagirl is offline
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That doesn't mean she will do it.
My husband can paint the house paisley, too, but he's not stupid.
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  #4  
Old 01-15-2010, 02:43 PM
tacoloco tacoloco is offline
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But what did SHE say?
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Old 01-15-2010, 02:47 PM
Giles Giles is offline
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Clearly you have problems, and because of that your wife almost certainly has problems too, but is her "seeing other men" a solution to any of those problems?
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Originally Posted by tacoloco View Post
But what did SHE say?
This. Ignoring your problems for the moment, what does your wife want?
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  #6  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:03 PM
Shagnasty Shagnasty is offline
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I know you have a very serious condition and probably feel extremely guilty about it but you didn't cause it. Telling her she can see other men won't fix anything and is a little insulting if she is like the wife of several men I have known with such a condition (one family member currently).

You can't live on your own at least in the long-term so just block that option out of your mind and don't suggest it to anyone. It is really a mild version of a suicide threat even though I know you don't mean it that way. I know the feeling myself but that is what family is for. Let her and other people in your family make those decisions for themselves and not feel so guilty. Serious health conditions happen in almost every family especially as people get older. Most people really want to help you more than they want a superficial relationship or sex so just let them help just like she said.
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  #7  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:06 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Giles View Post
Clearly you have problems, and because of that your wife almost certainly has problems too, but is her "seeing other men" a solution to any of those problems?
This. Ignoring your problems for the moment, what does your wife want?
I honestly don't know!

She goes to her employment parties (dinners), family functions (birthday parties. etc), church without me.

She says all the right stuff, but I just cannot see putting her through this SHIT!

I think she wants someone to sleep (not in THAT sense) with, somone to hold her and tell her things will be okay, and a STRONG guy with a STRONG MIND!!!!!!

Q
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  #8  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:11 PM
otternell otternell is offline
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I am betting that what she wants is for the man she loves to quit telling her what he thinks she wants. She wants to care for you the best way she can, and be patient with you when she cannot.

ETA: she married you twice. Take her words to heart.

Last edited by otternell; 01-15-2010 at 03:13 PM..
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  #9  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:12 PM
twickster twickster is offline
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You had already been diagnosed when she decided to remarry you. She knew what she was getting into. Don't insult/dishonor her by second-guessing her decision.
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  #10  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:20 PM
Picard Kills Kirk Picard Kills Kirk is offline
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I think I'm going to echo a few other thoughts, but I would say you are pretty fortunate to have someone who is loving and faithful. Don't risk losing it by telling her to do something you "honestly don't know" what the results of those actions will be.

Good luck!
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  #11  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:21 PM
aruvqan aruvqan is online now
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Hun, I love you dearly, but sometimes I want to slap you silly...

She would not have remarried you if she did not want to be with you. This is your depression talking.

She is getting what she wants. If you really must do something, pick a random night of the week and make it a date night, candlelit dinner, soft music and some movie she would like.
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  #12  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:24 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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So what, Twicks?

Huh?

I'm just supposed to let her come crying to me in the second bedroom (oh yes!) and asking me for a hug that I CANNOT EVEN FEEL?????

I just want her to have a happy life, even at the expense of my own.

Q
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  #13  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:28 PM
twickster twickster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodem View Post
So what, Twicks?

Huh?

I'm just supposed to let her come crying to me in the second bedroom (oh yes!) and asking me for a hug that I CANNOT EVEN FEEL?????

I just want her to have a happy life, even at the expense of my own.

Q
So hug her, you moron.
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  #14  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:29 PM
twickster twickster is offline
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So hug her, you moron.
Calling someone a moron in MPSIMS is not appropriate. Don't do this again.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator
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  #15  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:30 PM
Giles Giles is offline
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Originally Posted by twickster View Post
So hug her, you moron.
Yes -- even if you don't want a hug, she does.
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  #16  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:32 PM
Giles Giles is offline
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Originally Posted by twickster View Post
Calling someone a moron in MPSIMS is not appropriate. Don't do this again.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator
I saw what you (or the other side of your Jekyll-and-Hyde personality) did there.
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  #17  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:32 PM
otternell otternell is offline
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Originally Posted by Giles View Post
Yes -- even if you don't want a hug, she does.
And if you can't feel it - just do it anyway.

I think it was Stephen Covey (who may or may not be full of shit) that said that sometimes love the emotion comes after love the action. Kinda like how smiling even when you don't feel like it will improve the mood.
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  #18  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:37 PM
Markxxx Markxxx is offline
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I feel your pain but whether or not she wants to go is HER decision not yours.

What possibly makes you think there is no reward in caring for somene you love? Because she will be inconvenienced? Perhaps she doesn't consider the inconvenience as a burden.

You've given her choices, and that is all you can do whether someone takes you up on it, is her decision not yours.
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  #19  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:42 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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For some fargin' REASON, I can no longer blog to www.wheretobud.blogspot.com to WRITE anything, so I have to write it HERE.

Here's my question, and PLEASE excuse my insensitivity, but......

How many of you can relate to what I have written?

1. Yeah, I know you're not demented
2. Yeah, I know you're not (or may not be) depressed.

I know. It's tough to put yourself in my position, isn't it?

And when you think about Haiti, don't you wanna just kick the SHIT out of me?????

I know I do!!!!!!!!!

It's deeply personal, it really is, and Og, I just wish I knew how to make it all right.

Q

Last edited by Quasimodem; 01-15-2010 at 03:46 PM..
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  #20  
Old 01-15-2010, 03:48 PM
Llama Llogophile Llama Llogophile is offline
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Originally Posted by tacoloco View Post
But what did SHE say?
That's what she said.
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  #21  
Old 01-15-2010, 04:40 PM
Shagnasty Shagnasty is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodem View Post
For some fargin' REASON, I can no longer blog to www.wheretobud.blogspot.com to WRITE anything, so I have to write it HERE.

Here's my question, and PLEASE excuse my insensitivity, but......

How many of you can relate to what I have written?

1. Yeah, I know you're not demented
2. Yeah, I know you're not (or may not be) depressed.

Q
I also have a family member with Alzheimers that also has an 18 year old daughter and have known several more. I do know what you are talking about and I am only 36 years old with two small children. I have a history of depression as well and have been hospitalized because of it a few times.

That is just the context. What is really important is what they call "action points". All you have to do is very simple. Let your wife and other family members take care of you. Make it a point to give a daily hug and tell her you love her and how you appreciate that love. It only takes a few seconds but it means a lot, I mean a whole lot to people that help you. You aren't holding her back and you should have no guilt. You certainly aren't the first or last person to go through this. Very simple and appreciative gestures are what people really thrive on even if it just a smile or an offhand compliment. That is your job from now on. Let her do hers.
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  #22  
Old 01-15-2010, 04:47 PM
Drunky Smurf Drunky Smurf is offline
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Sorry to hear about your situation Quasi and I apologize for hijacking but this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by twickster View Post
So hug her, you moron.
Quote:
Originally Posted by twickster View Post
Calling someone a moron in MPSIMS is not appropriate. Don't do this again.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator
is probbaly the funniest thing I have ever seen on the dope.
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  #23  
Old 01-15-2010, 04:56 PM
silenus silenus is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodem View Post

She is 61, but looks 15 years younger than that (runs in her family), and I cannot see letting her go without whatever she needs.
This means nothing without:

1. a current photo

2. her phone number




Last edited by silenus; 01-15-2010 at 04:56 PM..
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  #24  
Old 01-15-2010, 06:04 PM
Shakes Shakes is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silenus View Post
This means nothing without:

1. a current photo

2. her phone number



Silenus you bastard! I was going to post something to this effect but then I thought: 'No even I can't be that heartless."

And here you are one up'n me!!

But seriously Quasimodem, I hope you get to feeling better.
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  #25  
Old 01-15-2010, 06:08 PM
DianaG DianaG is offline
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She's your wife. Twice, now. She knew what she was signing up for. Trust her.
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  #26  
Old 01-15-2010, 06:27 PM
Oakminster Oakminster is online now
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Originally Posted by twickster View Post
You had already been diagnosed when she decided to remarry you. She knew what she was getting into. Don't insult/dishonor her by second-guessing her decision.
Twicks are for kids is right, Quasi. In your situation, you need to accept that your wife loves you as you are. Make a point of hugging her for no particular reason sometimes, and certainly if she asks for it, but also be willing to accept her love for what it is. In a way, you giving her permission to see other men is rejecting her love for you. Don't do that. Now, go kiss her on the head, and go for a walk, or play your guitar or something.

Last edited by Oakminster; 01-15-2010 at 06:28 PM..
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  #27  
Old 01-15-2010, 06:32 PM
Sailboat Sailboat is offline
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Quasi -- I lost two grandmothers to Alzheimer's and my father died of a glioblastoma (the same brain cancer Ted Kennedy had), which I mention because it caused dementia-like symptoms and robbed him of his ability to express himself (and eventually of everything else).

I feel for you, man. Everyone in my family is scared of Alzheimer's; my mom has been volunteering in studies for decades and now I' participating as well. It's ugly and terrifying. But you're still contributing here; I read most of your posts and have followed your tale. You have friends here.

Today I talked to my accountant about the Godawful big tax bill we're facing, was forced to sell my boat at a huge loss (yes, the one I'm forum-named after), and I have a toothache.

But when I came home, my family was here for me. My wife is being super nice to me even though she's been urging me to sell the boat for a long time.

If you still have loved ones, the rest is crap.


.

Last edited by Sailboat; 01-15-2010 at 06:34 PM..
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  #28  
Old 01-15-2010, 07:11 PM
dangermom dangermom is offline
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Originally Posted by otternell View Post
I am betting that what she wants is for the man she loves to quit telling her what he thinks she wants. She wants to care for you the best way she can, and be patient with you when she cannot.

ETA: she married you twice. Take her words to heart.
This. I have to tell you, in her place I'd want you to quit saying stuff like that and just trust me that I know what I want.
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  #29  
Old 01-15-2010, 07:15 PM
Boyo Jim Boyo Jim is offline
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What if you forget you gave her permission?
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  #30  
Old 01-15-2010, 07:37 PM
E-Sabbath E-Sabbath is offline
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Quasi? You're having problems. You can doubt your memory. You can doubt your sanity. But don't doubt yourself. And don't doubt the people around you. Believe in your wife, and let her help you believe in yourself. Okay?
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  #31  
Old 01-15-2010, 08:15 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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It's..... not......that........


EASY!

Jesus, I guess the hardest thing in the world is telling folks who don't believe it, that you're going BATSHIT!

Un-fucking-believable!

Q

Last edited by Quasimodem; 01-15-2010 at 08:18 PM..
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  #32  
Old 01-15-2010, 08:32 PM
Oakminster Oakminster is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodem View Post
It's..... not......that........


EASY!

Jesus, I guess the hardest thing in the world is telling folks who don't believe it, that you're going BATSHIT!

Un-fucking-believable!

Q
Calm down Quasi. Nobody wants to fight with you here, and if they did, they'll have to fight me first. I stand Cha'DIch for you. Deep breaths, in....and out. Zen, Bro. This too shall pass.

Last edited by Oakminster; 01-15-2010 at 08:36 PM..
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  #33  
Old 01-15-2010, 09:01 PM
Sticks and Scones Sticks and Scones is offline
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Quasi, I just sent you a PM.
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  #34  
Old 01-15-2010, 09:01 PM
Boyo Jim Boyo Jim is offline
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Quasi, I suggest you put your threads into the Pit, so you can rant to your heart's content.
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  #35  
Old 01-15-2010, 09:05 PM
Oakminster Oakminster is online now
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Quasi, I suggest you put your threads into the Pit, so you can rant to your heart's content.
You want anybody in the pit, you take me there. You already took one cheap shot at him in this thread. Quasi is upset, and you are not helping.

Last edited by Oakminster; 01-15-2010 at 09:06 PM..
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  #36  
Old 01-15-2010, 09:20 PM
Boyo Jim Boyo Jim is offline
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Originally Posted by Oakminster View Post
You want anybody in the pit, you take me there. You already took one cheap shot at him in this thread. Quasi is upset, and you are not helping.
Quasi and I have a long history of communication. He knows me well enough to tell me if I am being bothersome.
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  #37  
Old 01-15-2010, 09:45 PM
sweetie pea sweetie pea is offline
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You know, Quasi, I was thinking you and Twickster didn't always get along...but I see now she's rather fond of you. And, yes, I know this is a semi-pointless aside.
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  #38  
Old 01-15-2010, 09:56 PM
Boyo Jim Boyo Jim is offline
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Quasi, maybe I'm making too many assumptions here. Please tell me to shut up if you find me too annoying. Until them I will treat you in the same jerkish manner I treat everyone else.
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  #39  
Old 01-15-2010, 10:13 PM
statsman1982 statsman1982 is offline
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Quasi, I've followed you're blog and your posts here for quite some time. I don't think I've ever actually communicated with you, so you can take this for what it's worth. I don't have dementia, but I do have depression, so I do have some room to speak.

Have you considered that, in your state of mind, you might be wrong about what your wife needs right now? Maybe you think she wants or deserves better, but maybe she thinks she already has everything she wants from you. In fact, since she re-married you knowing full well what afflictions you had, she knows best what she wants.

Let her love you. Let her, and your loved ones, help you. Let us at the Dope help you. And trust us that our advice might be sound. After all, what happens in your life doesn't affect (most of) us at all. We're here because we want to help you.

Keeping you in my thoughts.
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  #40  
Old 01-16-2010, 12:43 AM
gonzomax gonzomax is offline
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She has her hands full dealing with their problems. Her relationship with her husband is being affected and she is trying to make sense of it all. What she does not need is you driving her away.
If you were fine and she were sick, what would you think if she said that to you? You would be insulted and a bit pissed.
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  #41  
Old 01-16-2010, 02:05 AM
missred missred is offline
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Quasi, coming from someone who's been on D's side of the bed, you're probably better off dropping it with her. By "giving" her permission, then making a fuss with her choice, you've put her in a no-win spot. It sounds like she's already made her decision. Accept it as she accepts you.

She loves you, Dude....don't fight that!
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  #42  
Old 01-16-2010, 07:42 AM
twickster twickster is offline
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Originally Posted by Boyo Jim View Post
Quasi, maybe I'm making too many assumptions here. Please tell me to shut up if you find me too annoying. Until them I will treat you in the same jerkish manner I treat everyone else.
I would prefer that you behave in line with the most basic rule of the SDMB, "don't be a jerk." I understand that you feel like you and Quasi have a relationship where your comments are acceptable. It isn't my job, though, to keep track of who can and who can't lob rough and apparently jerkish remarks at each other, it's my job to keep things more or less civil.

Whether it is or isn't okay with Quasi that you act like an asshole, it's not okay with me.

Knock it off.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator
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  #43  
Old 01-16-2010, 09:19 AM
Broomstick Broomstick is offline
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Originally Posted by Quasimodem View Post
How many of you can relate to what I have written?
Honestly, I think I can relate to your wife more than I can to you in this situation. Although my mother did not have Alzheimer's she did have a type of dementia prior to her death, and my husband is physically disabled with depression. So I understand the caretaker role.

Look, I didn't ask for any of that. It's not fun. But it is something I can do for someone I love. For my mother, the icky parts at the end were, in a sense, a gift - I was able to give her what she needed when there was simply nothing else anyone could do for her. For my husband, I expect to outlive him and that things will get worse, yet I still love him and will stand by him.

I think your permission was a very generous offer of release to your wife, however, it may not be what she needs. If you've given someone permission to leave and she chooses to stay she has made her choice - and apparently that would mark the third time she has made such a choice (two weddings and a "don't be silly"). She is doing what she wants in regards to you and you'll just have to accept that yes, she DOES love you that much.

Keep in mind, too, that although you have changed you are still "you" at this point. We are all aware that further down the line there is a real possibility that "you" will no longer be there, your body will be a shell largely empty of your personality. I am assuming that what you fear is that she will feel shackled to an empty shell - if I am wrong do tell me. Now, what she will feel and do when that day comes even she can not say right now, but you have expressed your feelings on the subject. As someone who has had to bury loved ones, and some quite recently, it has always been easier for me if I knew the person's wishes, desires, and opinions whether I agreed with them or not.

I'm sure most of us have known or heard about people whose spouses are in a vegetative or severe demented state who have gone on to other relationships while the ill spouse is still alive. Such relationships do raise ethical issues, of course. You have given your wife permission to take care of her needs as well as your own should that awful day ever arise. As I said, that is extremely generous and understanding on your part - but it is up to her whether she ever acts on that or not. Whether you understand it or not, right now she has a need to remain faithful to you, regardless of how much you can or can't do for her.
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  #44  
Old 01-16-2010, 10:08 AM
DianaG DianaG is offline
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Originally Posted by Quasimodem View Post
How many of you can relate to what I have written?
Quasi, I sympathize with you, but since this is supposed to be about your wife and her feelings, I'm relating to her, and encouraging you to try to do the same.

If I marry someone who I know had Alzheimer's, bet your ass that I've thought it through, and I'm IN it for the long haul. By pushing this issue, you question your wife's love, her commitment, her decisions, and ultimately her character. It's insulting. Cut it out.
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  #45  
Old 01-16-2010, 10:48 AM
E-Sabbath E-Sabbath is offline
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Originally Posted by Quasimodem View Post
Jesus, I guess the hardest thing in the world is telling folks who don't believe it, that you're going BATSHIT!
Quasi, stay cool. What I'm trying to say is that we know you're going batshit. The problem is, when you start focusing on how batshit you're going, it gets worse. Don't keep thinking about how batshit you're going. Stop doubting everything people say to you. Your wife loves you. Stop doubting you're good enough for her, accept her love for you, and let her help you.

Of course, part of the problem is that you can't trust yourself enough to do that either.

So basically? Stop obsessing over it, because you don't have any control. What happens will happen, do your best, and enjoy the moments you have. Don't try to ruin it for yourself.
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  #46  
Old 01-16-2010, 01:38 PM
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I came in to echo what E-Sabbath said.

I was a caregiver to someone I loved for a long time, someone who was less than 'all there' a lot.

You need to dial back the need for drama, in my humble opinion. Keep working it, and you will become insufferable to those around you, in surprisingly short order. You will become whatever you fear, so drop the fear. You can't control this any more than you can control your wife's affections. (And it is seriously offensive that you would try!)

Whatever is coming for you, is coming for you. Nothing can change that. Trying to make it 'better' by providing for eventualities that may not manifest isn't helpful to you or to anyone else.

Your job is to ride the ride. Relax, breathe deeply and be the best 'you' that you can. That's it. Everything else is just going to create drama and upset people and work against you in the end.

You should be spending your time learning to unattach. Go with the flow. Just smile, even if it doesn't make sense. That will truly ease the suffering of those around you regardless of what lies ahead.

(By the way, plenty of people DO understand, insisting they can't is all about....drama!)


Just my opinion, how you're not offended by it.
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  #47  
Old 01-16-2010, 01:48 PM
Gary "Wombat" Robson Gary "Wombat" Robson is offline
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Quasi, I know this is tough. I've watched family members go through similar situations, and it was bad. I agree with Twix here: your wife signed up for it again. Give her a hug and tell her thank you. When the depression hits hard, crawl in your hole, but when you're feeling kinda okay, give her another hug.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Quasimodem View Post
Take the quotation marks away from the word "permission", please!
Done.
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  #48  
Old 01-16-2010, 05:52 PM
MoodIndigo1 MoodIndigo1 is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Montreal, Canada
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DianaG View Post
Quasi, I sympathize with you, but since this is supposed to be about your wife and her feelings, I'm relating to her, and encouraging you to try to do the same.

If I marry someone who I know had Alzheimer's, bet your ass that I've thought it through, and I'm IN it for the long haul. By pushing this issue, you question your wife's love, her commitment, her decisions, and ultimately her character. It's insulting. Cut it out.
Agreed. Quasi, let her love you, and make it a plan to hug her every day, no matter whether you feel like it or not.

As difficult and frightening as your circumstances are, you are lucky to be loved so well. You must have done something right.

Last edited by MoodIndigo1; 01-16-2010 at 05:53 PM.. Reason: Hope I fixed the quote code
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  #49  
Old 01-16-2010, 07:35 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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Thanks for the responses. Somehow I knew that would be what you'd write, but right now, I still have "presence of mind" enough to know when I have to go farther into that "tunnel", she can't go with me, and I wanted her to have someone with her who can care for her the way I won't be able to.

It seemed the "right thing to do", but like y'all, she ain't goin' for it.

Thanks!

Q
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  #50  
Old 01-16-2010, 08:33 PM
Quasimodem Quasimodem is offline
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Oh, yeah. About Twicks?

The feeling is mutual. I know she and I have had our "rounds", but she has a tough job, and I do respect that and her, and yes, I am fond of her as well, as I am of all of you!

Bill
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