The imaginary black man strikes again.

mhendo · #1 05-13-2010, 03:42 PM

Extending a long career of felonies and misdemeanors, the imaginary black man has struck again, this time shooting a Philadelphia police officer. A massive police investigation was launched, and the search began for the dangerous perpetrator, said to be wearing cornrows and sporting a mark or tattoo under his left eye. The suspect was allegedly in the company of another non-existent African American male.

The weeks-long investigation, costing about a quarter of a million dollars, turned up no sign of the perpetrator, even though the Fraternal Order of Police offered a $10,000 reward for information.

While the imaginary black man managed to slip away, and will no doubt move on to commit further acts of violence and aggression, predominantly against white victims, the citizens of Philadelphia now have to contend with the fact that the cop, Sgt. Robert Ralston, has admitted to intentionally shooting himself and making up the story.

Story 1
Story 2
Story 3

This paragon of virtue and credit to the force is on suspension, and the department is in the process of dismissing him. In news that will no doubt reassure the residents of Philadelphia, and make them feel much better, Ralston will not face criminal charges, and, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer (Story 3, above), will most likely get to keep his police pension. I'm sure Philly citizens will be happy to fork over 24 grand a year to this noble public servant once he's off the force.

CalMeacham · #2 05-13-2010, 03:43 PM

I resent this.

Some of my Best Friends are Imaginary!

ivan astikov · #3 05-13-2010, 03:46 PM

Yayyyyyyyy! Police officers are teh greatest. I wish they had more of my taxes to spend on shit-hot guns and cattle-prods.

Thudlow Boink · #4 05-13-2010, 04:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mhendo

In news that will no doubt reassure the residents of Philadelphia, and make them feel much better, Ralston will not face criminal charges, and, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer (Story 3, above), will most likely get to keep his police pension. I'm sure Philly citizens will be happy to fork over 24 grand a year to this noble public servant once he's off the force.

From Story 3:

Quote:

Ralston will not face criminal charges because he was offered immunity from prosecution in exchange for his confession. That means he will most likely receive his pension, Ramsey said.

"It was the only way we could tie this up," Ramsey said of the arrangement.

Ralston's pension has not yet been calculated, but a city official estimated that he would collect about $24,000 annually if he took his pension now.

Some of that may be used to recoup the expense of the massive manhunt that was sparked by his lies, Ramsey said.

I'm not sure what that last sentence means. Maybe he can be sued, and the money to pay off the suit come from the pension??

Miller · #5 05-13-2010, 04:44 PM

What bothers me about this is that it's going to be used as an excuse for further police profiling of imaginary people.

Biggirl · #6 05-13-2010, 04:57 PM

I thought this was going to be about the NRO blog entry about how blacks are bringing down the red states. But no, this is a different imaginary black man.

Or is it? I betcha this tatoo'ed cop shooter is illiterate. He's a dangerous fellow. Didn't he carjack some white kids a few years back and drown them in a lake in South Carolina? And shoot a pregnant white wife in Boston? Wasn't it his poor ass that started the housing bust by getting loans from Barney Frank that he couldn't afford? He's a busy, busy non-reading, fecund man of color.

kaylasdad99 · #7 05-13-2010, 05:07 PM

His transparency makes it difficult to tell, but this guy is, in fact, an African-American.

BubbaDog · #8 05-13-2010, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivan astikov

Yayyyyyyyy! Police officers are teh greatest. I wish they had more of my taxes to spend on shit-hot guns and cattle-prods.

Yes, because all cops are exactly like the one in the story.

Tell me, does any part of your brain scream "fuckwit" back at you when you make these kinds of statements?

Gustav · #9 05-13-2010, 05:37 PM

I do not understand this. Why give him immunity from prosecution in exchange for a confession? Isn't that just raising a white flag? He doesn't have any accomplices to give up, no "where did you stash the money"... They even had some circumstantial evidence, like his story not adding up. At the very least keep the case open in case he slips up later. What's the upside to this?

eleanorigby · #10 05-13-2010, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CalMeacham

I resent this.

Some of my Best Friends are Imaginary!

Some of my best black friends are imaginary!

(some of my friends are imaginary black?)

I don't see why this guy should get his pension, unless he's mentally ill or something. I'll bet that imaginary black guy drove a white van.

Really Not All That Bright · #11 05-13-2010, 05:42 PM

I don't understand that either. He'd confessed already, just not on the record. I can't imagine it would have cost (30 x $24,000) to pull the bullet from evidence and see if it matched his gun.

Thudlow Boink · #12 05-13-2010, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Biggirl

Or is it? I betcha this tatoo'ed cop shooter is illiterate. He's a dangerous fellow. Didn't he carjack some white kids a few years back and drown them in a lake in South Carolina? And shoot a pregnant white wife in Boston? Wasn't it his poor ass that started the housing bust by getting loans from Barney Frank that he couldn't afford? He's a busy, busy non-reading, fecund man of color.

Now I've got that song running through my head:

Imaginary Black Man,
Stay away from me.
Imaginary Black Man,
Mama let me be...

descamisado · #13 05-13-2010, 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Biggirl

He's a busy, busy non-reading, fecund man of color.

He can't read but he can write. A backwards "B" anyway.

mhendo · #14 05-13-2010, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gustav

I do not understand this. Why give him immunity from prosecution in exchange for a confession? Isn't that just raising a white flag? He doesn't have any accomplices to give up, no "where did you stash the money"... They even had some circumstantial evidence, like his story not adding up. At the very least keep the case open in case he slips up later. What's the upside to this?

That was exactly my reaction upon first encountering this story.

My impression, gleaned from years of watching NYPD Blue and Law & Order (

), was that these sort of deals generally required the accused to give up something the cops didn't already know, or lead them to someone further up the chain of criminal command, or something like that.

I never realized that there are deals where they basically say, "Tell us what you did, and we'll let you off without any charges."

Freudian Slit · #15 05-13-2010, 06:01 PM

Silly cop. You're supposed to blame some Puerto Rican guy, of average Puerto Rican height, for stuff like this.

Dag Otto · #16 05-13-2010, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gustav

I do not understand this. Why give him immunity from prosecution in exchange for a confession? Isn't that just raising a white flag? He doesn't have any accomplices to give up, no "where did you stash the money"... They even had some circumstantial evidence, like his story not adding up. At the very least keep the case open in case he slips up later. What's the upside to this?

According to the OP, the investigation was "about a quarter of a million dollars" (cite?).

A quarter of a million dollars doesn't buy much of an investigation against a police officer, though I'm sure the imaginary black man would face several felony charges if only he were caught.

you with the face · #17 05-13-2010, 06:11 PM

Note to liars: if you want to get away with it, lay off specifics and details. Cornrows and a tat under the eye? That shit just sounds made up. He should've just said that he didn't get a good look at the guy.

The guy needs to lose his badge and pension just for making it this far without figuring out proper lie protocol.

lissener · #18 05-13-2010, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BubbaDog

Yes, because all cops are exactly like the one in the story.

Your outrage would be justified if cops were drafted. But they're not. As a rule--please don't point out that there are exceptions, which, duh--the people who are cops are not the peaceloving newagers that make college so annoying. They are, for the most part, the bullies and assholes who made high school so miserable. They're the guys who always WANTED to be cops. I knew a cop in Chicago, when I worked in a bookstore, who was a thoughtful, interesting, generous guy who read a lot of poetry. He became a cop because in his experience cops were uniformly such assholes that he took it upon himself to try to change that from within, as it were. Yeah, I know, naive at best. But also, notable mostly by how he stands out against your average cop.

lissener · #19 05-13-2010, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mhendo

That was exactly my reaction upon first encountering this story.

My impression, gleaned from years of watching NYPD Blue and Law & Order (

), was that these sort of deals generally required the accused to give up something the cops didn't already know, or lead them to someone further up the chain of criminal command, or something like that.

I never realized that there are deals where they basically say, "Tell us what you did, and we'll let you off without any charges."

Right. They'd need to get something in return. In this case, the only thing they got in return was confirmation that they should call off the investigation.

Clearly it was a brothers-in-blue thing.

mhendo · #20 05-13-2010, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dag Otto

According to the OP, the investigation was "about a quarter of a million dollars" (cite?).

Actually, it seems that, according to my third link, the full cost of the investigation hasn't yet been determined.

I got the figure from this story, which also notes that they haven't actually tallied it up yet:

Quote:

Mayor Nutter wants to city to bill Ralston for the cost of the investigation into his phony shooting story. Experts told Schratwieser that the bill could go as high as $250,000.

Given the number of work hours that must go into an investigation of a cop shooting, no doubt involving considerable overtime, i don't find the figure especially difficult to believe.

Vinyl Turnip · #21 05-13-2010, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lissener

Right. They'd need to get something in return. In this case, the only thing they got in return was confirmation that they should call off the investigation.

This guy was small potatoes. Cutting him loose was the only way they can get to Mr. Big, who planned to shoot himself with a cruise missile and blame it on Zimbabwe.

Polycarp · #22 05-13-2010, 06:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eleanorigby

Some of my best black friends are imaginary!

(some of my friends are imaginary black?)

Hey, not aimed at you, Eleanor, but I have it on good authority that most of the sort of people who say, "Some of my best friends are black [gay/immigrant/etc/]" are usually speaking of imaginary people!

kingbighair · #23 05-13-2010, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Freudian Slit

Silly cop. You're supposed to blame some Puerto Rican guy, of average Puerto Rican height, for stuff like this.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/153188

Sampiro · #24 05-13-2010, 08:52 PM

It's no laughing matter. There is an imaginary black rapist in the south who is so fertile he's impregnated almost every religious conservative- or daughter of religious conservative parents- who's ever been recognized while seeking an abortion after protesting at another clinic. He's never been caught.

Ogre · #25 05-13-2010, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sampiro

It's no laughing matter. There is an imaginary black rapist in the south who is so fertile he's impregnated almost every religious conservative- or daughter of religious conservative parents- who's ever been recognized while seeking an abortion after protesting at another clinic. He's never been caught.

And he's over 200 years old!

eleanorigby · #26 05-13-2010, 09:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Polycarp

Hey, not aimed at you, Eleanor, but I have it on good authority that most of the sort of people who say, "Some of my best friends are black [gay/immigrant/etc/]" are usually speaking of imaginary people!

Some of my black friends are best imaginary! (I like that one most).

Chicagojeff · #27 05-13-2010, 10:30 PM

LOL i bet this story is gettin short shrift on Policelink.com LOL..

I wonder if he was fuckin around with his piece and shot himself.. that happened more than one would imagine.. boys with our toys..

Lissner.. did we meet??

Boyo Jim · #28 05-13-2010, 11:03 PM

Usually when I hear 'immunity' it refers to criminal charges. But pension immunity? What kind of deal did they give him? Is he immune from being fired, or demoted or otherwise disciplined?

Condescending Robot · #29 05-13-2010, 11:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BubbaDog

Yes, because all cops are exactly like the one in the story.

Yeah, it's unfair. 99% of cops really give the rest a bad name.

Sampiro · #30 05-13-2010, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ogre

And he's over 200 years old!

Raping white Christian virgins keeps anybody- regardless of ethnicity- immortal.

Paul in Qatar · #31 05-14-2010, 12:06 AM

This was part of the Philly POlice Department's salute to the 25th Anniversary of the MOVE bombing that killed 11, including 5 children.

I think I am correct in saying nobody was jailed over that.

ivan astikov · #32 05-14-2010, 05:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BubbaDog

Yes, because all cops are exactly like the one in the story.

Tell me, does any part of your brain scream "fuckwit" back at you when you make these kinds of statements?

If I was saying it in all seriousness, I'd be too much of a fuckwit to know what a fuckwit was.

Shall I stick a smiley at the end just for you, in future?

Fuckwit!

BubbaDog · #33 05-14-2010, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ivan astikov

If I was saying it in all seriousness, I'd be too much of a fuckwit to know what a fuckwit was.

Shall I stick a smiley at the end just for you, in future?

Fuckwit!

So I've been whooshed AND fuckwitted?

WTF that was witty!

Tom Tildrum · #34 05-14-2010, 11:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boyo Jim

Usually when I hear 'immunity' it refers to criminal charges. But pension immunity? What kind of deal did they give him? Is he immune from being fired, or demoted or otherwise disciplined?

My guess would be that the pension plan provides that it can be revoked only for very specific reasons, one of which being a criminal conviction. So, since they decided not to charge him criminally, they have no other operative grounds for revoking the pension.

The Second Stone · #35 05-14-2010, 12:40 PM

Taking away somebody's pension is a bad precedent. If it could be done easily, some employers would do it often. A pension earned is a property right. Perhaps he could be sued civilly for damages for filing a false police report and charged criminally for the same, but apparently the deal for his confession to stop the nonsense search is a contract that prohibits this. Between social security (when he is finally old enough) and $24k per year he might be able to get by.

mhendo · #36 05-14-2010, 12:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Second Stone

Taking away somebody's pension is a bad precedent. If it could be done easily, some employers would do it often.

That's true, and for that reason any mechanism for taking a pension away would need to be very rigorous.

But it seems to me, especially in cases where the person has the public trust in the way that a police officer does, that a gross violation of that trust, in the line of duty, is a pretty good reason. Perhaps there could be some sort of review committee, comprised both of top brass and representatives from the police union.

Police unions and other police representative organizations have a reputation for standing firmly behind their members, even in cases where many members of the public feel that the cops have done the wrong thing. In this particular case, i think you'll find that even the unions wouldn't go to the wall for this guy. While the FOP is not officially a trade union, is does represent police interests, and here's what one local FOP leader had to say

Quote:

John McNesby, president of the Fraternal Order of Police, Lodge 5, who also had raced to the hospital to meet with Ralston when he was shot last month, expressed disgust.

"The community has supported this city's police officers through so much, every time we lose an officer," McNesby said. "To have something like this come along that could possibly tear that down is a disgrace."

From the third story linked in my OP.