When you live in Television.....

[Man With a Cat]

- Your car is always clean and shiny. Especially if you're an international spy.

- You never have to use the washroom, except to have important conversations no one else is supposed to hear, or unless you're there to accidentally overhear conversations between people thinking they're talking in private.

- There are no cellular dead spots.

- Windows never crashes for you.

- All the female cops are dolls. Most of the male cops are, unless they're 'characters'.

- Everyone in high school is actually 24 years old.

- All shrinks are folksy people that sit you on a couch and talk for an hour, as opposed to chatting for 15 and handing you some prescriptions.

- Little kids talk like small adults, not like little kids.

[PandaMom]

nobody has a bad hair day

pimples??? Nope, not in TV land

the homes always look immaculate. No crap lying around 'cause the teenagers are too lazy to throw the stuff away (void this if the show is Roseanne)

[Spoons]

Nobody rings your doorbell. They just walk in.

Your couch is in the middle of the room.

The news story you're interested in will come on just as you turn on the TV. No waiting through other stories to get to yours--unless you first need to have a few words with the neighbour who just walked in without ringing the bell.

[Thudlow Boink]

There is no weather (unless it's important to the plot, or it's a Christmas episode).

There's that one side of the table that nobody ever sits on.

No one ever farts (lowbrow comedies excepted).

[CWN]

The best part of TV land is the parking perks, always a spot right in front of wherever you want to go. no meters or traffic either!

[ZipperJJ]

Your computer makes a noise every time you hit enter, and everything has a progress bar.

[Smeghead]

Originally Posted by ZipperJJ

Your computer makes a noise every time you hit enter, and everything has a progress bar.

...which conveniently explains exactly what you're doing. "Downloading File to Thumb Drive"

[AuntiePam]

You don't have morning breath or bedhead. You're just as gorgeous at 6 a.m. as you were the night before.

[Beerman1963]

You don't have to unlock the car door
also no rear view mirrors

[FairyChatMom]

When you cry, you don't get puffy red eyes or a snotty nose, just a single, poignant tear trickling slowly down your cheek.

As you run away from the bad guy/wild animal/alien/whatever, you have to look behind, and it never causes you to crash into trees, walls, furniture.

Flushing toilets are apparently hilarious.

[swampbear]

Ah but if you live in tv commercials...

You cannot slice tomatoes
You cannot crack eggs
You cannot hang your clothes properly in your closet
You have horrible, awful stains on your clothes that nothing will get out
Grease spatters everywhere in your kitchen
You cannot mop your floors
You cannot grow vegetables ever

TV commercials... the wrong side of the tracks in TVWorld

[Uncle Brother Walker]

Well, since nobody uses the toilet, nobody ever has to clean the toilet / shower / bathroom.

When channel surfing, all the channels have interest (unless going against the joke); i.e. there are no shopping channels, infomercial channels, etc.

Nobody dusts.

Batteries never die.

People sometimes go grocery shopping, but nobody ever puts away the groceries. They just leave the bag on the counter and move back to the storyline.

[Sunspace]

Cars never need to be fueled, unless something else is going on at the gas station. You can go without fueling for weeks, but sometimes suddenly you will run out of gas even if you just filled up.

Sometimes, when you are driving along, the scenery seems to repeat.

The interior dimensions of cars seem to very depending on the emotional state of the occupants, and are often unrelated to the exterior dimensions of cars.

[needscoffee]

Cars have invisible back seats which hide assailants.

[pope_hentai]

the news never changes.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/rebeccae/the...prop-newspaper

[Indian]

Originally Posted by AuntiePam

You don't have morning breath or bedhead. You're just as gorgeous at 6 a.m. as you were the night before.

And brushing teeth in morning means just a couple of strokes of the toothbrush over your teeth !

[bengangmo]

And everyone gets dressed after drunken wild monkey sex - even if it is 35 degrees out.

[campp]

Cars don't have windshields.

Most eyeglasses don't have lenses.

Any street criminal can easily detect the cop's disguises.

Snitches always have all the information anyone would ever need. You always pay them at least twice during any session.

No one ever notices guys sitting in their cars for hours on a stakeout. They also never seem to spot the big black sedan following them.

All cab drivers could compete in the Le Mans.

[Ellen Cherry]

...and you don't make typos.

I fixed it.

Ellen

[Nava]

Originally Posted by Mr Bus Guy

- Little kids talk like small adults, not like little kids.

And walk and stand like there's a majorette's baton up their ass.

Originally Posted by FairyChatMom

As you run away from the bad guy/wild animal/alien/whatever, you have to look behind, and it never causes you to crash into trees, walls, furniture.

Talking while driving involves both people looking directly at each other and does not produce head-on crashes against unmovable objects. Oh, and even if you're driving on a straight line, the wheel must be wiggled like you're in the bumper cars.

[RealityChuck]

Originally Posted by Mr Bus Guy

- There are no cellular dead spots.

Unless, of course, you're in terrible danger and need help immediately.

[Annie-Xmas]

Whenever you google anything, you get the right site and the information you need immediately. TV's google-fu is perfection.

However, any person overhearing what you say will misinterpret it in the worst possible way, and will not ask you to clarify it.

[Sigmagirl]

When the bedside phone rings in the middle of the night, you always turn on the light to answer it. And it never hurts your eyes when you do.

[CalMeacham]

--You can always find a parking space right where you need it, immediately

--Bombs conveniently come with LED countdowns. And they're accurate

-- People don't actually have to work or go to classes. they simply go to a workplace or a school corridor to have a place to interact.

[salinqmind]

You are a blue collar worker with a GED whose favorite pasttime is drinking beer with your buddies while watching The Game on TV. You are a fat load who steps in metaphorical shit trying to a) get rich or b) advance the Idiot Plot. In spite of all appearances, there is something magical about you because you are married to a thin, blazingly beautiful, much younger woman who only looks upon you fondly, shaking her head at your predicaments...Conversely, if you are that thin, beautiful, young woman, you are darned GLAD to live in semi-squalor married to The Big Lug. (Can only surmise you have learning disabilities and can't hold down a 'real' job. Or you have a past prison record/are an ex-prostitute/stripper/drug addict and have left your sordid past behind to live the wacky family life with The Big Lug in Pluggerville, PA., now clean and sober.

If you are rich in Television, your home is bestrewn with flower arrangements or at least lots of potted plants... If you are poor in TV you and your family always converse sitting lined up on the couch, but if you are rich, you are always sitting at a dining room table bestrewn with wine glasses and fine china.... If it's breakfast, you have it outside, with splendid scenery and weather conditions. In either case, your food is served by silent uniformed lackies.

[Annie-Xmas]

If you are pregnant, you can hide it behind pillows, big bags, and plants and nobody suspects a thing. When you show up not pregnant and without a baby, nobody will ask WTF?

[JuliaSqueezer]

You never say "good-bye" or "talk to you later" when you finish a phone conversation. You answer the phone, grunt a couple of times and hang up.

[Ferret Herder]

Originally Posted by PandaMom

nobody has a bad hair day

pimples??? Nope, not in TV land

Unless you're a teenager on a sitcom and it's a good comedy point, like right before prom, but normally you'll be fine.

[shijinn]

a lot of these are addressed in Seinfeld, even this one where Kramer crashes into the locked door.

Originally Posted by Spoons

Nobody rings your doorbell. They just walk in. ...

[Procrustus]

Bad guys are really bad shots, and will miss you repeatedly. Luckily, you can hit two or three before they get you.

[ZipperJJ]

You always have toast and orange juice with breakfast. Sometimes you have eggs, bacon, sausage or cereal with it. But there's always toast and orange juice.

Your kids are almost late for school, every day. And an alarming number of children get driven to school.

[tdn]

Judges are, without exception, overweight black women.

Originally Posted by Spoons

The news story you're interested in will come on just as you turn on the TV. No waiting through other stories to get to yours--unless you first need to have a few words with the neighbour who just walked in without ringing the bell.

Arrested Development handled that nicely. Attorney Wayne Jarvis wanted to shock Michael with some breaking news story, so he turned on the TV -- and got a commercial.

[Procrustus]

Originally Posted by ZipperJJ

Your kids are almost late for school, every day. And an alarming number of children get driven to school.

So, tv gets one thing right....

[tdn]

Speaking of kids, when they display any knowledge about sex, it's hilarious.

And little old ladies are horndogs.

[pullin]

Originally Posted by Uncle Brother Walker

People sometimes go grocery shopping, but nobody ever puts away the groceries. They just leave the bag on the counter and move back to the storyline.

All trips home from the grocery store are on foot (no one loads groceries in the car trunk).
All grocery trips require only one bag, and there must be a loaf of bread sticking up out of the bag.
Also, this bread is always unwrapped and exposed to the elements.

[tdn]

Originally Posted by pullin

All grocery trips require only one bag, and there must be a loaf of bread sticking up out of the bag.

If the shopping was done in France, there will also be a bottle of wine and possibly a model of the Eiffel Tower.

[IvoryTowerDenizen]

Originally Posted by AuntiePam

You don't have morning breath or bedhead. You're just as gorgeous at 6 a.m. as you were the night before.

This! When they wake up together and start kissing I immediately think- don't you have to pee? Brush your teeth?

Nothing pulls me out of the moment than two people who have deep intimate (sexual or otherwise) interactions first thing in the morning without peeing first!!!!

[Spectre of Pithecanthropus]

Granted nobody's mentioned any specific programs or characters yet, but it's only a matter of time IMO.

Moving from MPSIMS to CS.

[Sigmagirl]

Originally Posted by pullin

All grocery trips require only one bag, and there must be a loaf of bread sticking up out of the bag.

Celery, dammit. It's celery.

[Leaffan]

My phone number? Sure, it's 555-.......

One blow to the head or neck is sufficient to knock anyone unconscious for exactly the amount of time you need to escape, or rob, or do whatever it is you need to do. And no ill after-effects will be suffered.

[ZipperJJ]

Originally Posted by ZipperJJ

Your kids are almost late for school, every day. And an alarming number of children get driven to school.

Originally Posted by Procrustus

So, tv gets one thing right....

Is it the being late for school part, or the being driven to school part, or both?

I am only 30 and I am trying really hard to remember what getting up and leaving for school was like in my house but I honestly don't remember. I did ask my mom a few weeks ago if she made us breakfast and she said yes she did, until we started being a pain in the ass to wake up. I do remember that being a problem, but I don't remember anything about hearing that the bus was leaving without me (granted, I only rode the bus from first to eighth grade).

[tdn]

Originally Posted by Leaffan

One blow to the head or neck is sufficient to knock anyone unconscious for exactly the amount of time you need to escape, or rob, or do whatever it is you need to do. And no ill after-effects will be suffered.

Amnesia is not an ill-effect?

I guess it's not too serious, as another blow to the head will clear it right up.

[Wheelz]

If you are rich, you have a liquor cart in your living room, which means you never pour scotch from a bottle of scotch, but from a crystal decanter. And there will always be plenty of unmelted ice in the matching crystal ice bucket.

If you're poor, you drink beer out of a can that's labeled simply "BEER."

Rich or poor, though, drinking to excess will cause you to have sex with somebody you hate.

[Man With a Cat]

Originally Posted by Spectre of Pithecanthropus

Granted nobody's mentioned any specific programs or characters yet, but it's only a matter of time IMO.

Moving from MPSIMS to CS.

I assume you also corrected the typo in the title?

Thanks!

[joebuck20]

Originally Posted by Mr Bus Guy

-
- Windows never crashes for you.

Actually, if you're on TV, you're most likely using Apple.

[xizor]

Everybody takes turns talking. No two people ever talk at the same time when in a group setting.

[CWN]

Coffee- They never seem to make it but there is always a full pot on the counter and when some one comes in and wants some they never pour a full cup, just a 1/2 second splash and everyone drinks it black!

[tdn]

Originally Posted by xizor

Everybody takes turns talking. No two people ever talk at the same time when in a group setting.

Similarly, no one ever comes to the front door while someone else is still on the phone. They always show up within 2 seconds after the hang up.

[PoorYorick]

Originally Posted by tdn

If the shopping was done in France, there will also be a bottle of wine and possibly a model of the Eiffel Tower.

Speaking of which, if you are staying in Paris, your hotel room will have a wonderful view of the Eiffel Tower.

Also, if you are a journalist or a detective, you are required to keep a bottle of rot gut and two glasses in your file cabinet.

[h.sapiens]

When you have a drink at a bar, you pay for it with one or two pieces of paper money, get no change, and only take a couple of sips of the drink before leaving. Also, TV bars apparently serve only one brand and type of beer, because everybody just orders "beer".

When you eat at a diner, you leave before the check comes, throwing a wad of cash on the table before you leave, assuming that it will cover the meal and tip.