Your 11 Year Old Daughter is Getting Sexted by a 13 Year Old Boy: What Do You Do?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Overheard while on the Smoker’s Porch (and in public so I don’t think it’s any greatly confidential matter, not that I’m giving names or anything):

A co-worker has an 11 year old daughter who’s been semi-dating a 13 year old boy. Her mom didn’t think it was anything serious and they haven’t been dating as in going out at night- just seeing each other at friend’s parties and the like.

She found out that the 13 year old has been sending her daughter texts telling her things like “Your ass looked so great in those jeans you had on” “I loved how your thighs felt on my shoulders when we were playing chicken” at a swimming party and asking her to send him pictures of herself in a bikini. She was very glad to learn at the same time that her daughter’s responses were to tell him he was making her uncomfortable and to stop.

So, bearing in mind I don’t know either of the kids in this situation or how physically mature either kid is, is this normal puberty behavior for a 13 year old boy? How would you deal with it? (Sexting just wasn’t an issue of course when I was a teenager.) I’d definitely let his parents know, but I don’t know if it warrants pursuing beyond that.

(I should perhaps add that I’m not a parent and I was extremely shy when I was 13.)

2

I don’t know if that’s really sexting— think of sexting more like cyber sex. “Tell me what you’ll do to me.” “First, I’m going to unzip your pants and blah”.

I don’t have kids, though, so I can’t really speak directly on the matter. I suppose the right thing to do is to talk to your daughter about how those texts make her feel and tell her she did the right thing by standing up against something that makes her uncomfortable.

3

I think a phone call to the boys parents would be appropriate. ‘Could you please ask you son to stop sending sexually explicit text messages to my daughter k thanks.’

I wouldn’t advocate for much beyond that unless it persists afterwords.

4

I knew quite a few 13 year olds who had actual sex.

5

:looks around. Decides not to share anecdotes about his own personal life/childhood with the internet:

The practical age difference between a 13 year old and an 11 year old is huge. I just went to a family reunion where my 10 1/2 year old niece and my 13 year old niece spent a lot of time hanging out, and while they got along, the 13 year old is just…older. By the end of the trip they weren’t speaking because the 13 year old decided the younger one was too much of a little kid to be worth her time.

It’s an 8th grader dating a 5th grader. It’s not weird that the boy is talking that way, but it’s not appropriate for the girl.

6

I agree wholeheartedly. She’s not ready for this kind of talk even though he is. But then again, maybe he is sending these texts because he thinks it is what he is “supposed to do.” Kids fall easily into doing what they think they are supposed to do rather than what they really want to do.

She made the right move in telling him that he made her uncomfortable. If he keeps it up, then it is time for her parents to discuss this with his parents.

7

Yes, that is normal for a 13 yr old boy. All the more reason for the parent of an 11 yr old girl to be very wary and watchful of such a situation. 2 yrs is a big gap at that age.

My own daughter is almost 11, and there is a 13 yr old boy in our apartment complex whom I will not allow her to have unsupervised contact with for exactly this reason. Not only his age, but his reputation and some previous sexually suggestive behavior with her and other young girls I know of.

I am aware that many kids her age talk about “dating” one another and are caught up in the whole boy/girl thing…normal sexual development on the one hand but perverse, premature sexualization on the other, imo.

I mean, the shows and music which are popular with this crowd are mostly teenage or adult plot-lines and lyrics. (even the “clean” ones like Hannah Montana…aimed at prepubesant girls but featuring teenagers, dating, crushes, clothes, etc…) They are being pushed into being concerned with dating, sex, clothes, makeup, being “cool”, having the latest gizmo, etc…WAY before we were in my day. It’s marketing, pure and simple.

At this point, I am leaning towards sticking with the rules I grew up with; no dating until 15 or 16. Period. And then, only after meeting the date and his family and with tight curfews/rules.

An 11 yr old who has someone, even a 13 yr old, telling her her ass looked nice or he liked the way her thighs felt on his neck…HIGHLY inappropriate, imo. That IS “sex talk”. And she is in no way mature, physically or mentally, to deal with it. She shouldn’t have to…her parents should intervene and put a stop to it. Hey kid, come back in 5 yrs or so.

Jesus, am I the only one who realizes that 11 is a CHILD? or 13, ftm? (not directed at anyone here, just in general…seems so many parents see nothing wrong with allowing their kids of such an age to “date” or wear make-up and clothes that make them look like young prostitutes).

It’s not, imo, “cute” or a case of “oh well, they grow up so fast…kids nowadays mature much faster than we did!”. No, they don’t. They are just exposed to much more than most of us were, even children of the 70’s like me. They need our guidance and protection as much or more during their tween/teen yrs as they did when they were toddlers. (brain development is very similar during these periods…one reason so many teens sleep so much…and the rational, consequence recognizing part of the brain is not fully developed until 25 or so…not saying no-one should date until 25, but they certainly shouldn’t be dating or otherwise in unsupervised, risky situations as tweens, imo).

Lest you think I’m some prudish, very conservative individual, I’m not, far from it. This is just my take on the situation as a parent, former child (I’m glad my mother and grandmother set such rules…unlike several of my peers, I didn’t end up pregnant, raped, dead or on drugs by 16) and Interested Observer. :slight_smile:

8

I agree with you. I find it pretty frightening to think of what kids nowadays are seeing on the internet since so many parents don’t give a crap about monitoring their kids’ internet access. They are being subjected to a lot of influences that previous generations weren’t.

9

Every time I see this thread title, I mentally all-caps the “WHAT DO YOU DO?” part and then immediately think “Shoot the hostage.”

It depends. You only said the mother “found out” but how I respond is going to depend on whether I “found out” because I was snooping in her cell phone, or if she came to me and told me about it. We’ll assume she told me about it.

Given that my hypothetical daughter in this situation seems to be handling it well herself, I would start by praising her assertiveness and reinforcing that she doesn’t have to put up with things that make her uncomfortable. Obviously I would continue to monitor the situation and the very next time it happened (nope, you were asked once and that’s enough, no second chances) I would… well, it depends. Do I know the parents? Are they shitbags who are pretty much absent and don’t give a damn what their son is doing? Or would I actually get somewhere by talking to them?

If I know them and I think talking to them would benefit the situation, I would absolutely do that. If those things were not true… I don’t know. I really don’t. Cops seem extreme, but still appropriate somehow. Or I could confront the kid myself but how likely is that to be effective? Obviously I would have to do something though.

10

What Silver Fire said.

Only I wouldn’t care whether I found out because my 11-year-old had told me, or because I’d independently found it on her phone (which I would consider a privilege, not a right; and since I was paying the bill for it, I would have no compunction whatsoever checking it.) If she hadn’t mentioned the texts to me, then we would have to have a serious talk…

The only thing I might have done differently to Silver Fire is to have replied to one of the texts (from the daughter’s phone) with, “Let’s take it further. I’d like you to come over now. With your parents.” :smiley:

11

Oh, yeah, I don’t really have any problem with snooping an 11 year old’s phone. But, like you said, that’s a serious talk if she didn’t come to me with it herself. That’s really the only difference in my reaction, and I would still praise her assertiveness and all that, I would just take steps to make it perfectly clear to her that she should have come to me with it.

I wonder if it’s reasonable* to expect an 11 year old to bring something like that (potentially very embarrassing and probably not something she views as dangerous) to her parents, though. I don’t know, I don’t have an 11 year old and I don’t have any daughters.

*Of course it’s a reasonable expectation on the part of the parents. What I’m suggesting is perhaps an 11 year old wouldn’t think that it is necessary to mention something like this just because it is potentially embarrassing and something she may view as icky but still completely innocent.

12

My 11 year old daughter would not have a cell phone or be “semi-dating” a 13-year old in the first place, but hypothetically if she did get texts like that, I would call the boy’s parents and let them know that if it ever happened again, I would put their kid in a fucking wheelchair.

13

I leave you to guess what that would get you if you threatened my son that way, and it’s just possible I’m bigger, stronger and more used to physical confrontation than you. So perhaps it’s wiser to keep things proportionate, yes?

Incidentally, I just won the bet I made with myself when I saw your name as the most recent responder, Captain Overprotective.

14

I WOULD be keeping things proportionate. I would be giving you fair warning. No, I would not be intimidated if you were bigger than me. You would control your kid. End of story.

15

Jut to be a little more realistic since this scenenario is not all that implausible for me. I do have a daughter who will be 11 in three months. I would never allow things to get to that level in the first place. As I said, she does not, and will not have a cell phone (why the hell does an 11 year old girl need a cell phone?) and she would not be permitted to see a 13 year old boy in the first place, so things would simply never get to that point.

16

What would that get me? I’m curious.

I also wonder what kind of son you are raising when your reaction to a story about a 5th grade girl getting messages about her ass is to question how large the girl’s dad is.

It’s creepy. End of story.

17

No, you approach me in a civilised manner and I listen to all you have to say, and then (possibly in your presence) I have a long quiet talk with my son in which I do not raise my voice once or use threatening language, and at the end of it he is in no doubt whatever about what will follow if he sends anyone, especially someone two years younger than him, nasty texts ever again.

You threaten to put my son in a wheelchair, I hand you your ass or get a restraining order taken out on you barring you from coming within two hundred yards of my house, whichever seems saner to me at the time.

Your ass handed to you, or a restraining order, see above.

No, try and keep up here - that’s my reaction to a hypothetical threat to put my son in a wheelchair for a text that was slightly over the line but not even sexually explicit. As to how large the girl’s dad is, I’m sure Dio’s ITG posturing is based on the assurance that he’s bigger than a 13-year-old so what goes around comes around, yes?

End of story.

18

Yeah, it’s pretty normal behavior (though I remember it with note-passing and friend-of-a-friend whispers rather than mobile phones), and as long as said boy backs off after being told it creeps his girlfiend out, I don’t really see cause for a lot of worry. I’d keep a close eye on them, though, but then I would anyway if my 11-year-old was ‘semi-dating’ anyone.

If he doesn’t, then he’s already well over the border to Creepsville and a serious talk with his parents is his order. If the parents are no use, then a call to social services.

I’d also tell my daughter that if someone ever tries to pressure her into something she’s not comfortable with, she’s free to say “no way, my dad would kill us both–mostly you–and he can find out everything”.

19

Text back: “Hi, It’s (enter child’s name) Mom. What’s your mom’s cell phone number so that I can forward these msgs to her?”

20

And what would you do if grown man threatened to put your daughter in a wheelchair?