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  #1  
Old 09-25-2010, 10:13 PM
Asimovian Asimovian is online now
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Do affairs usually end in regret and remorse?

I read most of the relationship threads around here, and whenever someone has been cheated on by a loved one, it is inevitable that well-meaning folks will mention somewhere in their advice that the cheater is really going to end up regretting his or her actions someday, and probably will end up wanting back the person he or she cheated on. I've had it said to me, too.

I just find myself wondering whether such a statement has any basis in reality. I mean, first of all, I'm not sure it's the best thing to tell someone who has just been hurt so badly, because I think it's very easy to get one's hopes up and end up waiting for the day when the former loved one will feel the pangs of regret. Better just to move on with your own life and not worry about what the other person is doing now.

But the attempt at comfort aside, I'm just wondering if the statement itself is actually true. I have been friends with...I think four people that I'm aware of who have been in affairs. Three of them have experienced some form of regret about their actions, but not a single one of them ever wished they had resolved things with their exes. They were all glad to be out of their former relationships, but wished a little (or a lot) that they'd gone about it differently. The fourth person actually got back with the person she cheated on, but still thinks he's a jerk most of the time.

So, based on your own personal experiences, or the experiences of others that you're familiar with, is it true that people usually regret their indiscretions and wish to patch things up with the person they lost?
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  #2  
Old 09-25-2010, 10:20 PM
Joey P Joey P is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Asimovian View Post

So, based on your own personal experiences, or the experiences of others that you're familiar with, is it true that people usually regret their indiscretions and wish to patch things up with the person they lost?
It's been about 14 months since my ex-wife left me and somewhere in the area of 18 months for my best guess as to when her affair started. As best as I can tell she's still happy with him and doesn't show any intention of wanting me back (not that I would take her).

But, I do still like to think about the day when she goes "What the hell was I thinking?"
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  #3  
Old 09-25-2010, 10:36 PM
Ruby Ruby is online now
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Personally, I think that's just wishful thinking on the part of the leavee. An affair is a symptom of problems in the marriage and not usually "the" problem.

My experience has been that most may regret that they have gone about leaving their partner the wrong way, but they don't regret the actual leaving.
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Old 09-25-2010, 11:10 PM
AClockworkMelon AClockworkMelon is offline
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I don't have any experience with cheating or being cheated on (as far as I know!) but I don't think it's helpful to tell someone that their ex will regret having cheated on them and be overwhelmed with remorse. I have no idea if their ex will or not but considering the types we sometimes get on the boards (such as the guy whose girlfriend found a new guy online and he asked for "one last smile" before she left) giving them any hope that they can get their ex back might not be wise.

I think it'd be better to simply suggest that they not worry about their ex at all rather than speculating on whether they'll regret having left any particular OP. The fact that it's near universal advice that's given to almost every OP only confirms that it's a meaningless platitude told in an attempt to comfort and reassure someone who's hurting. The intentions might be all well and good but again, I don't think it's very helpful.
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  #5  
Old 09-25-2010, 11:15 PM
torie torie is offline
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My grandparent's relationship started as an affair. They divorced their respective spouses and married when she got pregnant with my mom. They had two more children. Stayed married until she died.

So not always.

Last edited by torie; 09-25-2010 at 11:16 PM..
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  #6  
Old 09-25-2010, 11:20 PM
MPB in Salt Lake MPB in Salt Lake is offline
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There is a long-term poster here at SDMB (a real pompus asshole who seems to think he is an authority on the Middle East) who has bragged about a decades-long affair that he has carried on with some married slut that has recently ended, just in time for him to get freshly married to a new cum dumpster, who he has apparently talked into letting him spunk into her stinkhole (or maybe even her withered "other" stink-hole).........

He teaches English abroad, so several Dopers find him facinating, and encourage his pathetic delusions.

He will be bitching about that faithless old cunt leaving him for someone with a real job (and a working prick) before 3 years have passed, or before he blows his (erstwhile) brains all over an empty hotel room, leaving his feces and urine soaked corpse to be buried in a Saudi state funeral. (good luck with that P-Dog!!!)

Last edited by MPB in Salt Lake; 09-25-2010 at 11:24 PM..
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  #7  
Old 09-25-2010, 11:24 PM
AClockworkMelon AClockworkMelon is offline
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Originally Posted by MPB in Salt Lake View Post
There is a long-term poster here at SDMB (a real pompus asshole who seems to think he is an authority on the Middle East) who has bragged about a decades-long affair that he has carried on with some married slut that has recently ended, just in time for him to get freshly married to a new cum dumpster, who he has apparently talked into letting him spunk into her stinkhole.........

He teaches English abroad, so several Dopers find him facinating, and encourage his pathetic delusions.

He will be bitching about that faithless old cunt leaving him for someone with a real job (and a working prick) before 3 years have passed, or before he blows his (erstwhile) brains all over an empty hotel room, leaving his feces and urine soaked corpse to be buried in a Saudi state funeral. (good luck with that P-Dog!!!)
wat
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  #8  
Old 09-25-2010, 11:35 PM
Alice The Goon Alice The Goon is offline
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Yeah, what's this now? I really must not pay enough attention to what goes on around here.
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  #9  
Old 09-25-2010, 11:35 PM
multimediac17 multimediac17 is offline
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Crikey.
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  #10  
Old 09-25-2010, 11:41 PM
Dag Otto Dag Otto is offline
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I think we need to make a call here. Humble opinion or not?
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  #11  
Old 09-25-2010, 11:43 PM
Otara Otara is offline
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I think this depends a lot on the stage of the relationship, presence/absence of kids, religious beliefs and the setting for the affair itself.

Ive certainly seen enough people waiting for someone to leave a partner only to see them stay with the partner that I doubt a general rule can be made either way. Ive also definitely met people who regretted having an affair and ruining a relationship.

FWIW, found this stat:

http://www.aftertheaffair.net/

80% of couples who divorce as the result of an affair later regret their decision to divorce.*

But enormous grains of salt are warranted given its source.

Otara
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  #12  
Old 09-25-2010, 11:54 PM
China Guy China Guy is offline
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that seemed to be a not unreasonable synopsis for anyone following along at home...
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  #13  
Old 09-26-2010, 12:01 AM
Asimovian Asimovian is online now
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Originally Posted by Spectre of Pithecanthropus View Post
Moderator note

What is this for? I suggest you step back and calm down. Meanwhile consider yourself warned, and expect notification in due course.

For the Straight Dope,

Spectre of Pithecanthropus
Was this directed at the right person?
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  #14  
Old 09-26-2010, 12:01 AM
AClockworkMelon AClockworkMelon is offline
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Edit: Spectre removed his post so I'm going to assume that he had indeed quoted the wrong person by accident.

Last edited by AClockworkMelon; 09-26-2010 at 12:05 AM..
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  #15  
Old 09-26-2010, 12:03 AM
Spectre of Pithecanthropus Spectre of Pithecanthropus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spectre of Pithecanthropus View Post
Moderator note

What is this for? I suggest you step back and calm down. Meanwhile consider yourself warned, and expect notification in due course.

For the Straight Dope,

Spectre of Pithecanthropus
Was this directed at the right person?
No it wasn't. My heartfelt apologies go out to AClockworkMelon, for he was definitely not the target. I'll repost momentarily.
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  #16  
Old 09-26-2010, 12:05 AM
AClockworkMelon AClockworkMelon is offline
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Lol No problem. I figured it must've been a mistake.
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Old 09-26-2010, 12:05 AM
Spectre of Pithecanthropus Spectre of Pithecanthropus is offline
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Originally Posted by AClockworkMelon View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spectre of Pithecanthropus View Post
Moderator note

What is this for? I suggest you step back and calm down. Meanwhile consider yourself warned, and expect notification in due course.

For the Straight Dope,

Spectre of Pithecanthropus
.... uh, what?

Did you mean to quote MBP in Salt Lake?
Yes, indeed. And again, please accept my apologies. Mea maxima culpa.

As for you, MPB in Salt Lake, here it is again, just for you:

Moderator note

What is this for? I suggest you step back and calm down. Meanwhile consider yourself warned, and expect notification in due course.

For the Straight Dope,

Spectre of Pithecanthropus
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  #18  
Old 09-26-2010, 12:07 AM
Spectre of Pithecanthropus Spectre of Pithecanthropus is offline
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Lol No problem. I figured it must've been a mistake.
I appreciate your understanding. It's been a busy evening here, as you know from that other thread about rats and cops.
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  #19  
Old 09-26-2010, 07:56 AM
Susanann Susanann is offline
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Do affairs usually end in regret and remorse?

I'm not sure it's the best thing to tell someone who has just been hurt so badly,

Three of them have experienced some form of regret about their actions, but not a single one of them ever wished they had resolved things with their exes.
In all fairness, and in the final analysis, ALL!!!!! relationships end with sadness, hurt, tears, grief.........one way or another.

So...........in the big scheme of things, is there really much difference?
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:14 AM
Athena Athena is offline
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I know a fair number of people - including some close to me - who have had affairs and come through them, and I'm with the OP. They've mostly ended up happy and settled and all that. Some with the person they had the affair with, some with their original spouse (after being discovered and working through it) and some with someone else entirely. Every time the whole "OMG once a cheater always a cheater!" thing comes up here I have to wonder if everyone here lives under a rock, because I know a lot of people who have cheated at one point in their lives, discovered it was a miserable experience, and never do it again.

Ironically, out of everyone I know who's gone through this, a couple that worked it out and stayed together seem to have made the worse decision. At least, from the outside, they seem miserable. Maybe I'm reading it wrong.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:15 AM
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I think people do have regret, more often then not, would be my guess. When you get into an affair, no matter how 'soul mate', or, 'meant to be together' you feel it is, you're not giving either partner the best of who you are. If you have to be clandestine, then you can't be open, you're not being honest with yourself, often not living up to your own ethical beliefs. Hence regret.

Whether or not you end up regretting loosing your ex, in the bargain, you would surely regret disrupting your family, traumatizing your kids, ruining your reputation amongst family/friends/neighbours.

When you're cheating, you're settling for the crumbs of a relationship, mostly. Something meaningful happens you can't just pick up the phone and connect to your 'soul mate'. Holidays apart, you cannot send a gift, should the other be ill you cannot be there to care for them. It's not a real relationship in so many ways.

The appeal of the forbidden heightens sensation for the time together, but once that is gone, often so is some of the thrill. Great sex is awesome, but the bills have to be paid too, lifestyles often take a big hit through divorce and separation. The heady times of cheating can blind people to the uglier realities sometimes.

Yes, I think regret is common.
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Old 09-26-2010, 08:21 AM
Waxwinged Waxwinged is offline
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So, based on your own personal experiences, or the experiences of others that you're familiar with, is it true that people usually regret their indiscretions and wish to patch things up with the person they lost?

In my experience, that's certainly been the case. There was that bad case of poor judgment in college (with cheating being a symptom of the problem; at that point, now-hubby and I were on our third year of a long-distance relationship).
There was much remorse and regret afterward.
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  #23  
Old 09-26-2010, 08:27 AM
Lust4Life Lust4Life is offline
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I had an affair and I married her.

But it only lasted six years.
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  #24  
Old 09-26-2010, 10:00 AM
Asimovian Asimovian is online now
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In all fairness, and in the final analysis, ALL!!!!! relationships end with sadness, hurt, tears, grief.........one way or another.

So...........in the big scheme of things, is there really much difference?
Yes. But because not all relationships end in a betrayal. Some people divorce amicably due to the recognition of incompatibility. Some end when a member of the relationship dies. Some even end in anger. In all of those cases, the emotions you described would be accurate. But a betrayal of commitment in the relationship creates a significant imbalance that wouldn't apply in the other cases.

Having been in relationships that ended mutually or through circumstances outside of the control of either party, and having been in a 10-year marriage that ended with an affair, I'm going to say that yes, there's a huge difference.
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  #25  
Old 09-26-2010, 10:28 AM
salinqmind salinqmind is offline
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I had a shortish relationship with the sweetest, cutest, most sensitive guy I'd ever met. He was so wonderful. He was a gentleman, he was intelligent, he was thoughtful, and I fell head over heels. We went out for a couple of months until he dropped the bombshell that he was married but 'separated', so I was the unwitting other woman in his affair. Shortly after this, he decided to get back with his wife. (there were no kids). I asked why, why, oh, whyyyyy? What about US? And he hemmed and hawed and finally said, thoughtfully, looking off into the distance,"I can't stop thinking about her, Sali...she has some problems, but she's just so....beautiful." Having plunged a sword into my heart, he described her devastating beauty. So he went back to his beautiful bride, established a successful business, and is still married to her decades later. Remorse and regret? Yeah, for both of us, I guess.
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  #26  
Old 09-26-2010, 10:46 AM
WhyNot WhyNot is offline
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I think it's a platitude that's only sometimes actually true, that's not told because of its truth but to make the victim feel better.

See also:
Bullies will get bored with you if you ignore them.
All girls go through an awkward phase, you'll be gorgeous when you're older.
Einstein didn't talk until he was four, and look how he turned out!
Honestly, those pants don't make you look fat, honey!
Size doesn't matter, really it doesn't.

Last edited by WhyNot; 09-26-2010 at 10:47 AM.. Reason: rogue apostrophes are taking over the world.
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  #27  
Old 09-26-2010, 01:04 PM
CrazyCatLady CrazyCatLady is offline
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Well, which question are you asking? Do you want to know if affairs in end regret and remorse, or do you want to know if most cheaters ultimately want to go back to the person they were cheating on? They're two totally different questions with totally different answers; as you've seen with your friends, you can feel like shit for hurting someone and wish you hadn't done that without having the slightest tinge of interest in being back in a relationship with that person.

I think the first form of regret is nearly universal among people who aren't utter assholes. The former sort I would think is pretty rare.
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:05 PM
Susanann Susanann is offline
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In all fairness, and in the final analysis, ALL!!!!! relationships end with sadness, hurt, tears, grief.........one way or another.

So...........in the big scheme of things, is there really much difference?
Yes. But because not all relationships end in a betrayal. Some people divorce amicably due to the recognition of incompatibility. Some end when a member of the relationship dies. Some even end in anger. In all of those cases, the emotions you described would be accurate. But a betrayal of commitment in the relationship creates a significant imbalance that wouldn't apply in the other cases.

.
..................and death.

Sooner or later, one way or another, all relationships end, and they all end in tears and hurt at some point.
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  #29  
Old 09-26-2010, 01:10 PM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
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Yes. But because not all relationships end in a betrayal. Some people divorce amicably due to the recognition of incompatibility. Some end when a member of the relationship dies. Some even end in anger. In all of those cases, the emotions you described would be accurate. But a betrayal of commitment in the relationship creates a significant imbalance that wouldn't apply in the other cases.

.
..................and death.

Sooner or later, one way or another, all relationships end, and they all end in tears and hurt at some point.
Or they fade away. I've had lots of relationships in my life that just sort've fade out. No hurt, no tears, no nuthin'.
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  #30  
Old 09-26-2010, 01:26 PM
Joey P Joey P is offline
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I think it's a platitude that's only sometimes actually true, that's not told because of its truth but to make the victim feel better.

See also:
Bullies will get bored with you if you ignore them.
That reminds me of parents telling their kids that bullies just have low self esteem and they only pick on you to make themselves feel better blah blah blah...Might be true sometimes, but I think very often bullies are just jackasses and the pick on the weak kids (me) that'll just sit there and take it.

I was recently telling my parents about a bully in high school, both my parents looked at each other and told me that they went to school with his dad...who was also an asshole.
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:28 PM
Susanann Susanann is offline
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..................and death.
Sooner or later, one way or another, all relationships end, and they all end in tears and hurt at some point.
Or they fade away. I've had lots of relationships in my life that just sort've fade out. No hurt, no tears, no nuthin'.
I meant a LOVE relationship. (who cares about NON-love relationships??)

All love relationships end in tears and hurt. Losing "love" is what hurts, whether it takes 1 night, or 20 years to lose it, and it doesnt matter how you lose it.................... but you WILL!!! lose it.

IF you didnt feel anything about it ending, then it never was love, you never had it, and you never lost love.

Last edited by Susanann; 09-26-2010 at 01:28 PM..
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  #32  
Old 09-26-2010, 01:32 PM
Asimovian Asimovian is online now
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Yes. But because not all relationships end in a betrayal. Some people divorce amicably due to the recognition of incompatibility. Some end when a member of the relationship dies. Some even end in anger. In all of those cases, the emotions you described would be accurate. But a betrayal of commitment in the relationship creates a significant imbalance that wouldn't apply in the other cases.

.
..................and death.

Sooner or later, one way or another, all relationships end, and they all end in tears and hurt at some point.
I specifically mentioned death in my post. I agreed with you that they all end in pain at some point. I'm not sure what your point was.

The pain of betrayal is a different kind of pain (and can be in addition to) the pain of loss.
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  #33  
Old 09-26-2010, 01:34 PM
WhyNot WhyNot is offline
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All love relationships end in tears and hurt. Losing "love" is what hurts, whether it takes 1 night, or 20 years to lose it, and it doesnt matter how you lose it.................... but you WILL!!! lose it.
*whimper* Damn, you're right. I hate it, but you're right...
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:34 PM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
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Or they fade away. I've had lots of relationships in my life that just sort've fade out. No hurt, no tears, no nuthin'.
I meant a LOVE relationship. (who cares about NON-love relationships??)
I love my friends.

You don't think it's possible for love to fade away and then it doesn't really matter any more? I think you're wrong.
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Old 09-26-2010, 01:40 PM
Diogenes the Cynic Diogenes the Cynic is offline
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I think it's often true, but not always. One thing I think is true is that the affair will almost always get found out.
__________________
(In my opinion)

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  #36  
Old 09-26-2010, 01:42 PM
Manda JO Manda JO is offline
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All love relationships end in tears and hurt. Losing "love" is what hurts, whether it takes 1 night, or 20 years to lose it, and it doesnt matter how you lose it.................... but you WILL!!! lose it.
Sometimes you get to be the first to die. In fact, I sure hope that I have some love relationships--romantic or otherwise--going on whenever I do die. I'd hate to think my last years would be spent as the sole survivor of all my earthly entanglements.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:02 PM
Susanann Susanann is offline
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You don't think it's possible for love to fade away and then it doesn't really matter any more? I think you're wrong.
IF you lost a love and if it does not matter to lose it, then you did not love.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:04 PM
Susanann Susanann is offline
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All love relationships end in tears and hurt. Losing "love" is what hurts, whether it takes 1 night, or 20 years to lose it, and it doesnt matter how you lose it.................... but you WILL!!! lose it.
Sometimes you get to be the first to die. In fact, I sure hope that I have some love relationships--romantic or otherwise--going on whenever I do die. I'd hate to think my last years would be spent as the sole survivor of all my earthly entanglements.
Who cares who goes first?

............and losing a loved one through death, does not make it better nor nicer.
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Old 09-26-2010, 02:06 PM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
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You don't think it's possible for love to fade away and then it doesn't really matter any more? I think you're wrong.
IF you lost a love and if it does not matter to lose it, then you did not love.
Does your Valentine's porridge have salt on it?
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  #40  
Old 09-26-2010, 02:18 PM
Manda JO Manda JO is offline
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Who cares who goes first?
Well, if I die first, I don't have to have any tears.


Quote:
............and losing a loved one through death, does not make it better nor nicer.
No, but it can put it off a hell of a lot longer. I'd rather live a life where I loved one person for 60 years and then mourned their passing than to love ten people just as deeply in sequence, only to have each betray me in turn.
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  #41  
Old 09-26-2010, 02:25 PM
The Bith Shuffle The Bith Shuffle is offline
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Whether or not a person is apt to be unfaithful depends a lot on the circumstances, so somebody might face those circumstances once but then never be unfaithful again. Women with caring but unsexy partners are much more likely to cheat than are woman with sexy but uncaring partners. A woman might once have a relationship with a caring but unsexy man and be driven to cheat on him with men she finds much more attractive; she might never have that experience again. [Edit: I am not dichotomizing the concepts of sexiness or caring. I realize there is a wide spectrum here and that these traits both probably exist on a bell curve. I'm just using extremes to demonstrate a point.]

I think lots of people carry with them a folk-psychology theory of ingrained pure evil, where some people are just, y'know, cheaters, and some people aren't. It's really not like that. I personally think that anyone under 40 (and past puberty, of course) who claims they could never be driven to infidelity is either married to a movie star or has steely nerves possessed by very, very few people.

Last edited by The Bith Shuffle; 09-26-2010 at 02:27 PM..
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  #42  
Old 09-26-2010, 02:35 PM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is offline
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My two cents are that your relationship with another person is not just based on the two people involved - the circumstances of the relationship itself are also a major factor. Not just romantically. Two people that get along great at work may find they have nothing in common if they're together in a social setting. Two close friends may find that they argue if they start working together.

And it is true about romantic relationships - not all of which are the same. Two people who have been dating for six months are not in the same kind of relationship as two people who have been married for twelve years. Which means that two people who may have been deeply in love while they were dating may find that they're not that compatible as a married couple.

To get back on topic, a marriage is not the same as an affair. So a person can be deeply attracted to somebody they're having an affair with - more attracted than they are to their spouse. And because of that, they may leave their spouse and form a long-term relationship with the person they're having the affair with.

Then they may find that somebody they loved being in an affair with is not somebody they enjoy being in a marriage with. They may even realize that the original person was a better marriage partner than the new person is.
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Old 09-26-2010, 06:39 PM
DianaG DianaG is offline
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Originally Posted by Little Nemo View Post
Then they may find that somebody they loved being in an affair with is not somebody they enjoy being in a marriage with. They may even realize that the original person was a better marriage partner than the new person is.
Which completely stands to reason when you factor in that an affair is all the fun, shiny, new and exciting stuff about a relationship, without any of the drudgery. Your undying affection for this person never gets tested by overwhelming bills or kids failing math or even uncapped toothpaste. It's fundamentally a fantasy.

When you get into an actual, workaday relationship with that person, you may well find that there's plenty you don't like about them in real life.
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Old 09-26-2010, 07:07 PM
Manda JO Manda JO is offline
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Which completely stands to reason when you factor in that an affair is all the fun, shiny, new and exciting stuff about a relationship, without any of the drudgery. Your undying affection for this person never gets tested by overwhelming bills or kids failing math or even uncapped toothpaste. It's fundamentally a fantasy.

When you get into an actual, workaday relationship with that person, you may well find that there's plenty you don't like about them in real life.
See, that's so funny. To me, an affair is all the insecure, awkward, unpredictable parts of a relationship. I put up with that bullshit to get to the good part of a relationship--where you are like two old shoes, used to each other and accepting of each others quirks and follies.

This, more than any superior moral strength, is why I think it unlikely that I or my husband would have an affair. It just sounds like a lot of bother.
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Old 09-26-2010, 07:24 PM
Asimovian Asimovian is online now
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Originally Posted by Manda JO View Post
See, that's so funny. To me, an affair is all the insecure, awkward, unpredictable parts of a relationship.
I suspect at least some who have cheated would say that they don't experience all of that in an affair because there's no risk. If the affair doesn't work out, you still get to go home to your secure, stable relationship. So you can put yourself out there without the awkwardness.
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:02 PM
DianaG DianaG is offline
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I wonder how much correlation there is between people who really like dating and people who have affairs. If you perceive the 'getting to know you' part as 'insecure, awkward, and unpredictable' and the 'old shoes' thing to be the 'good part', well... yeah, you're going to be disinclined to stray.

On the other hand, if you enjoy the buzz of the 'shiny, new, and exciting' world of dating, that's a hard thing to give up. I think the majority of affair-havers are in it for the buzz, frankly. Not necessarily the taboo aspect of it, so much as the heady feeling of 'falling in love'.
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Old 09-26-2010, 09:38 PM
Shagnasty Shagnasty is offline
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On the other hand, if you enjoy the buzz of the 'shiny, new, and exciting' world of dating, that's a hard thing to give up. I think the majority of affair-havers are in it for the buzz, frankly. Not necessarily the taboo aspect of it, so much as the heady feeling of 'falling in love'.
True. I never cheated myself but my friends and family members sure have including my father. There are two different types. One feels a deep angst in life and searches for something deeper to help dampen the pain even though he wishes it were different and things would get better in the primary relationship. The others just like fucking other women and it is as simple as that. Think Bill Clinton. There isn't a lot of thought or remorse that goes into it. They do it because they can and just want to.
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Old 09-27-2010, 12:04 AM
Rilchiam Rilchiam is offline
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I don't know about "once a cheater, always a cheater," but I will say that any married person who cheats has to deceive their spouse. If it's an open marriage, or if it's a de facto open marriage because the spouse does know but accepts it for whatever reason, then there's no deception. But if you can't be open about what you're doing, you are cheating. And if you're okay with lying to your spouse, then I could never be sure you were being honest with me.
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Old 09-27-2010, 01:58 AM
rhubarbarin rhubarbarin is offline
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I don't think most people who cheat have big regrets about doing so, no. Sounds like something friends say to the victim to cheer them up.

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Originally Posted by The Bith Shuffle View Post
Whether or not a person is apt to be unfaithful depends a lot on the circumstances, so somebody might face those circumstances once but then never be unfaithful again. Women with caring but unsexy partners are much more likely to cheat than are woman with sexy but uncaring partners. A woman might once have a relationship with a caring but unsexy man and be driven to cheat on him with men she finds much more attractive; she might never have that experience again. [Edit: I am not dichotomizing the concepts of sexiness or caring. I realize there is a wide spectrum here and that these traits both probably exist on a bell curve. I'm just using extremes to demonstrate a point.]

I think lots of people carry with them a folk-psychology theory of ingrained pure evil, where some people are just, y'know, cheaters, and some people aren't. It's really not like that. I personally think that anyone under 40 (and past puberty, of course) who claims they could never be driven to infidelity is either married to a movie star or has steely nerves possessed by very, very few people.
How does one get driven to infidelity? Is a limousine provided? If you meant to say something akin to 'tempted' I could warm up to this theory.

I agree with your other points; most of my close friends, who are by and large very nice people, have cheated. They weren't looking to deliberately betray and hurt their partners, they just lacked impulse control and/or wanted an easy out of the relationship. There are very many serial monogamists who start every new relationship by cheating on their previous partner, in this world.

I guess I put myself in the 'steely nerves' category. I'm only 25 and we've been together 6 years (but he is damn good-looking...) It's not that I don't find other people physically attractive, it's that I have zero desire to act upon it. To me ending a committed relationship prior to starting anything with another person is the only honorable thing to do. People who can't do this are moral weaklings (whether it's just at that time or always).

Last edited by rhubarbarin; 09-27-2010 at 01:59 AM..
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Old 09-27-2010, 04:40 AM
Dereknocue67 Dereknocue67 is online now
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I've enjoyed all of my affairs.

Until the shooting began.
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