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  #1  
Old 11-25-2010, 09:01 PM
panaccione panaccione is offline
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I can not get over my regrets

I have three main regrets in life - two are girls and one was my performance my senior year of college in wrestling

Basically I blew my chances to be with two beautiful girls and my chances at being an All-American. I think about it practically every day. I even consider calling one of the girls out of the blue, even though I haven't seen or spoken to her in 2 years.

People always say it just takes time and it's true to a point. I feel like these will just be huge holes in my life that I'm never going to get over.

The worst part is I just feel like these regrets still hold me back today. And I want to get over it and change as a person but I'm not sure how. They say some people don't change but I want to. Anybody have experiences turning their lives and outlooks around? I need some advice here because I'm sick of this shit.
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Old 11-25-2010, 09:36 PM
China Guy China Guy is offline
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Well, you can leave the country and/or go to grad school. Seriously, going for a radical change in where you are, what you do, etc can really give you a new lease on life.

IMHO, calling up one of these two lady's 2 years later is probably not going to help get you out of your rut. I'm jus' saying.
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  #3  
Old 11-25-2010, 09:42 PM
BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed is offline
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What's your regret with wrestling? How did you blow your chance?
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Old 11-25-2010, 10:20 PM
Weedy Weedy is offline
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Regret is easier to bear than sadness because it creates a fantasy where the thing you regret is still possible, and you are kind of looking for a way to make it happen, even if logically you know it can't.

However, you can mourn sadness and loss, and eventually move on, but it's easy get stuck in regret since it is not real anyway.
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Old 11-25-2010, 10:24 PM
Askance Askance is offline
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How long has it been, in those 3 cases? If just a few years, you almost certainly will get over it. If over, say, 10 years, then you're starting to obsess over the unchangeable past, and might need help in doing so.
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  #6  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:26 PM
Martian Bigfoot Martian Bigfoot is offline
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Don't call the lady. Wait another three years, then she calls you and, for reasons known only to herself, wants to meet you for a friendly cup of coffee. Well, you meet up, and sure, there is the initial shock of seeing her again and having the old emotions flowing over you like yesterday's stale dishwater. However, you quickly come to realize that by now you have both changed, you have moved on, you have spent five years of your life without her and you are perfectly cool with carrying on like that. In fact, you have had other great experiences that you're attached to now, that she's not a part of, and that probably wouldn't have come about if she had been around. You have more integrity now and define yourself by your own standards, instead of trying to live up to hers. In fact, you no longer give a damn about her opinion.

You don't see her again after that. You could, but now you don't really want to. You still think about her, but no longer with any regrets. And not that often.

Well, at least that's what happened to me a few months ago.

(As for the other lady... can't help you. I still struggle with that one.)
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  #7  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:33 PM
panaccione panaccione is offline
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China guy - I know that's why I haven't done it
Bell - I spent four years as a backup and when I got my chance to start basically blew it. Like I said didn't become an All American.

I know everyone has regrets too. I guess I just want to hear others stories because I'm sure others have had it worse. Also, some advice from those of us who have turned it around to make their lives well meaning and joyful. I would appreciate it mucho.
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  #8  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:35 PM
panaccione panaccione is offline
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Ok Martian am I just supposed to assume that or something? Lol
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  #9  
Old 11-25-2010, 10:40 PM
Martian Bigfoot Martian Bigfoot is offline
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The best way to get over having screwed something up is to go out and achieve something cool. And of course, screwing up does come with an upside - now you know at least one way not to do something, and you've probably done some thinking about how you want to do it instead.

So yeah, go to grad school or some other school, do something else you really want to do.
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  #10  
Old 11-25-2010, 11:21 PM
Hello Again Hello Again is offline
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Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
China guy - I know that's why I haven't done it
Bell - I spent four years as a backup and when I got my chance to start basically blew it. Like I said didn't become an All American.

I know everyone has regrets too. I guess I just want to hear others stories because I'm sure others have had it worse. Also, some advice from those of us who have turned it around to make their lives well meaning and joyful. I would appreciate it mucho.
Are you by chance, a little scared to engage with the future? Concerned about job prospects, the health of yourself or a family member, or some other practical future need? A lot of times when a person finds themselves obsessed with the past, it's because it is more comfortable than thinking about an uncertain future.

I'm sure not reaching your goal was very disappointing. But perhaps you hung too much of your identity on a goal that you could have fallen short of in any number of ways. Perhaps not reaching that goal could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

If you find yourself unable to connect productively with the present and future because of the intensity of your feelings about the past, seek some counselling.

Last edited by Hello Again; 11-25-2010 at 11:21 PM..
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  #11  
Old 11-25-2010, 11:23 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Do a little Cognitive Behavioural Therapy on yourself - look at the stories you're telling yourself about these regrets, and separate out the truths from the fictions (ruthlessly!). Did you lose a relationship with a good woman, twice? Probably. Is is the only chance (or two chances) you'll ever have at love? Very unlikely. Will you meet even better women? Most likely. There are 3.35 billion women in the world, you know.

As for the wrestling thing, you'd know the stories you're telling yourself better than I do.

ETA: Forgot to say, one of the stories you need to stop telling yourself is that you can't get over your regrets.

Last edited by Cat Whisperer; 11-25-2010 at 11:25 PM..
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  #12  
Old 11-26-2010, 12:33 AM
Lamar Mundane Lamar Mundane is offline
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I don't intend to be rude, but you need to get a bit more realistic with your expectations. If you've had relationships with two beautiful women, chances are that you'll have that opportunity again. The thing that sticks out to me is that you think you could have been an All-American after being a backup for four years. That's delusional. I was a starter in a major University program for three years, but I knew I had no shot at even all-conference, let alone all-american.

So you aren't an Olympian. Join the rest of the 99.99% of us who aren't. Get back in the saddle start pedalling.
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  #13  
Old 11-26-2010, 12:55 AM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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My husband coaches baseball, and has for about 20 years. He coaches high level ball - players from his league go on to college scholarships and sometimes even the majors. I think in his 20 years of coaching, two kids from his league have made it to the majors. As Lamar says, most of the kids will play a couple of years of baseball and then get on with their lives - most of us are perfectly average, not superstars.
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  #14  
Old 11-26-2010, 01:07 AM
Mister Owl Mister Owl is offline
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*punches you in the shoulder, hard*

Sack up. Get over or get out.

Last edited by Mister Owl; 11-26-2010 at 01:09 AM.. Reason: 'cuz I know it makes y'all wonder
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  #15  
Old 11-26-2010, 02:04 AM
BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed is offline
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Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
China guy - I know that's why I haven't done it
Bell - I spent four years as a backup and when I got my chance to start basically blew it. Like I said didn't become an All American.

I know everyone has regrets too. I guess I just want to hear others stories because I'm sure others have had it worse. Also, some advice from those of us who have turned it around to make their lives well meaning and joyful. I would appreciate it mucho.
I was wondering because I have regrets as a wrestler as well, but it's less because I didn't win and more because I didn't expend more effort to win. I feel like if you put everything into it and came up short, that's not really something that you should be regretting, it's just how life plays out, it's the limit of your (the general you) self. You might as well regret not being born 3 inches taller, for instance.

My main regrets are about women as well. Why oh why was I in those relationships as long as I was, sacrificing life experiences for crappy relationships?
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  #16  
Old 11-26-2010, 02:51 AM
Shirley Ujest Shirley Ujest is offline
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Originally Posted by BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed View Post
My main regrets are about women as well. Why oh why was I in those relationships as long as I was, sacrificing life experiences for crappy relationships?
This.Holy FSM, THIS.
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  #17  
Old 11-26-2010, 03:02 AM
dzero dzero is offline
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It seems to me that in order to regret something, you would have to know to a relative certainty what would have happened had that one particular aspect of your life been different. Since it's virtually impossible to know that, it's impossible to have regrets.

The fact that people do in fact have regrets speaks to our inability to consider every possible outcome had that one thing been different. In particular, we seem to focus on only a handful of favorable outcomes and ignore everything else. If that happens to be your perspective, then having regrets is understandable. However once you realize the overwhelming and essentially delusional biases that are a necessary prerequisite to regret, being a rational person, you should be able to see regrets as nothing more than a type of mental self-flagellation born of self-deceit.
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  #18  
Old 11-26-2010, 03:32 AM
LouisB LouisB is offline
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Originally Posted by Lamar Mundane View Post
I don't intend to be rude, but you need to get a bit more realistic with your expectations. If you've had relationships with two beautiful women, chances are that you'll have that opportunity again. The thing that sticks out to me is that you think you could have been an All-American after being a backup for four years. That's delusional. I was a starter in a major University program for three years, but I knew I had no shot at even all-conference, let alone all-american.

So you aren't an Olympian. Join the rest of the 99.99% of us who aren't. Get back in the saddle start pedalling.
This.
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:56 AM
GESancMan GESancMan is offline
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Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
I know everyone has regrets too. I guess I just want to hear others stories because I'm sure others have had it worse. Also, some advice from those of us who have turned it around to make their lives well meaning and joyful. I would appreciate it mucho.
Okay. I went to college on and off for eight years after high school, before finally dropping out altogether to become the manager of a restaurant. I made pretty decent money for the next several years, but there was no career potential. On top of that, from the time I was 20 until I was almost 34, I was a drunk. I always took care of business and was responsible, I only drank at home at night, and I never got in trouble with the law, but I drank more than a 12-pack of beer every single night for 14 years. That's not very good for one's health.

Five and a half years ago I quit my job and moved to a new area, and a couple of months later a trip to the hospital convinced me it was time to give up drinking. I wound up going back to school, and I finally earned my degree a year and a half ago. The timing there was just great - in this shitty economy, I've not been able to find a job, even with my degree. I've been working on my Master's, but my heart isn't in it.

This past February I decided I want to teach high school math, but I made that decision too late to get into any of the credential programs in my area for the current Fall term. So right now I'm in the process of applying to a bunch of alternative certification programs. Chances are good I'll be accepted into at least one of them, I think, but I won't start actually working until August.

So here I am... I'll be 40 in June, and I don't have much to show for my life. Do I regret wasting all those years drinking and working in a restaurant? HELL YES! Is there anything I can do about it? Nope - aside from moving forward. It's hard not to let myself fall into the depths of despair, having to wait another nine months before I finally get a career going, and watching my debt continue to pile up in the meantime. I just try to stay positive, focus on my goal, stick with it, and keep telling myself the end is in sight.
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Old 11-26-2010, 04:14 AM
kambuckta kambuckta is offline
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Regrets?

I've had a few.....
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  #21  
Old 11-26-2010, 08:00 AM
campp campp is offline
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If you never make a mistake, you aren't trying hard enough.
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Old 11-26-2010, 08:36 AM
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The thing about regrets is that it's a waste of your life force and energy. The best way to get over your regrets is to embrace your choices. You were not a child when you made those choices, you were a young adult and likely aware that all choices come with consequences. You were not forced by circumstance, no one else's action/reactions made you choose this or that. You learned something from each of those experiences, I'd wager. Your task is to identify the lesson, hold tight to that, and move forward. If the lesson is only to not miss the next opportunity, it's enough.

Play, "Shoulda, woulda, coulda...", all day long, if you wish, it's your choice. But it never leads to happiness or contentment. Challenge yourself! Do something daring! Something that, if someone told you they'd just done it, you'd think, "Wow! That's very cool!" A little adventure in life is sometimes just the thing to wake us up and make us look forward, with wonder, at what next, rather than waste our time looking back with regret.
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Old 11-26-2010, 02:32 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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I read or heard a little while back that you keep feeling the regret until you learn the lesson you were supposed to learn from that experience (it was probably here on the Dope that I read it).
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Old 11-26-2010, 02:39 PM
Tethered Kite Tethered Kite is offline
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Are you able to forgive other people's mistakes? If not, that's the place to start, I think.

Once you learn how to let go of disappointment or resentment toward others learn to treat yourself with at least as much patience and kindness.

Time will help and the resolution will work better if you have an attitude of willingness. Do you think you must always excell? Is there any unrealistic element of self- superiority in that? Do you beat yourself up psychologically for what you see as failure? Is this something you learned as a child? Do you see any ways it may be standing in the way of achieving or of obtaining satisfaction?

At this point it sounds like you are beating your head against the wall about something that's impossible to change. Not much sense in that.

But you can reframe your past. Find the positives that were there and dwell on them, the lessons you've learned that will make you more effective in the future. It's certainly a possibility that you weren't ready at that time in your life to do things the way that you wanted to.
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Old 11-26-2010, 08:09 PM
Dusty Rose Dusty Rose is offline
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I used to play a form of that game. But then I realized that everyone has problems. If you would have ended up with one of those girls, what makes you think you would have been happy? Do you think All-Stars don't have problems? For all you know, going in any one of those directions may have left you unhappier than you are right now.

All you can do in life is move forward. What's done is done. So quit looking backward and start figuring out your here and now. Otherwise, in 5 years you're going to look back at this point in your life and say "Why didn't I get over things? Why did I let myself get in my own way like that? I sure wish I woulda... [fill in the blank]." So start working today to avoid tomorrow's regrets. At the end of the day, that's the only thing you have control over.
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Old 11-27-2010, 09:12 PM
LouisB LouisB is offline
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Christ, I'm seventy; I'm a recovering drug addict, I have damn little money, no investments, Medicare only, and the love of my life recently divorced me. I still think things will work out for me, if I'm more diligent than I have been. I'm sure they'll do the same for you.
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  #27  
Old 11-28-2010, 12:06 PM
panaccione panaccione is offline
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It's just like a lingering gap in my life. They should have been the best years of my life and instead I just fucked it all up. For someone up there who said being an All-American was unrealistic, sorry, but you're wrong. I beat several other AA's in my career but when I had my chance I just blew it. Didn't perform to my potential and on top of that I really have no one to blame but myself. I did everything I could as far as preparing myself physically but I wouldn't stop smoking weed. I know it sounds odd but I was in good enough shape to do both, but it was a mental thing as far as the weed goes that held me back. Like not being 100% committed.

As far as the girls go, they were dream girls, but I never had more than a fling with one of them. In fact, I acted like a desperate fuck and let her lead me on for two years while she fucked one of my former friends.

The other girl was gorgeous and we were friends but nothing more. It's just sad because I know she liked me and I could have made it happen but I never even fucking tried. She lived next door to me in my apartment complex and I never went to visit her once because I was too chicken-shit.

Maybe that's the whole point of it. I just feel like I didn't give my all, made mistakes when I should have known better and just a bunch of other things.

Everyone says you don't know how it would have worked out. I can say with absolute certainty life would have been better if I had been AA. I'd say with about 99% certainty life would be better, I would be a different better person if it had worked out with one of them.

I know this is like a pity-party and for the most part i get along. I still have the same friends from my team. Sometimes I wonder how they even like me for all the stupid shit I've done. But literally these three things cross my mind every single day. Usually in the morning when I wake up and at night before I go to sleep. But now it's something that simply can't be changed. I just feel like damaged goods, and my reputation is shot. It fucking sucks. Thanks for the comments and advice, it really is helpful. Just how do you get over this kind of stuff?
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  #28  
Old 11-28-2010, 01:29 PM
Linty Fresh Linty Fresh is offline
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Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
I know this is like a pity-party and for the most part i get along. I still have the same friends from my team. Sometimes I wonder how they even like me for all the stupid shit I've done. But literally these three things cross my mind every single day. Usually in the morning when I wake up and at night before I go to sleep. But now it's something that simply can't be changed. I just feel like damaged goods, and my reputation is shot. It fucking sucks. Thanks for the comments and advice, it really is helpful. Just how do you get over this kind of stuff?
(bolding mine)

Honestly? Do you want the honest truth? By growing up. By getting out of your fantasy world, learning from your mistakes, and using what you've learned to move on.

Let's begin . . .

Quote:
It's just like a lingering gap in my life. They should have been the best years of my life and instead I just fucked it all up.
and

Quote:
Everyone says you don't know how it would have worked out. I can say with absolute certainty life would have been better if I had been AA. I'd say with about 99% certainty life would be better, I would be a different better person if it had worked out with one of them.
Sorry, but no. The idea that your high school/college years are supposed to be your best years is just a myth. Think about it: Are you really telling me that your idea of a great, well-lived life involves peaking at 22? To hell with that! I'd rather not even play sports or go to college than spend the last 50+ years of my life reliving past glories.

Quote:
For someone up there who said being an All-American was unrealistic, sorry, but you're wrong. I beat several other AA's in my career but when I had my chance I just blew it. Didn't perform to my potential and on top of that I really have no one to blame but myself. I did everything I could as far as preparing myself physically but I wouldn't stop smoking weed. I know it sounds odd but I was in good enough shape to do both, but it was a mental thing as far as the weed goes that held me back. Like not being 100% committed.
Brother, please!! It doesn't sound odd. It sounds impossible. You've already had two or three posters who know the score tell you that getting those kinds of honors is out of the realm of possibility for just about everyone, even starters, and that was before you let slip that you toked up during the season. You didn't have what it took to make AA. Period. End of. At that level of play, it's as much of a psychological game as physical, and you just didn't have the discipline to start with. At that point, it doesn't even matter whether or not you got high. Your telling us that you could have made AA if only it weren't for all that weed is like my telling you I could have won the Nobel Prize for physics if only it weren't for all that math. You. Didn't. Have. A. Prayer!! With or without the weed. Accept it. Move on.

Quote:
As far as the girls go, they were dream girls, but I never had more than a fling with one of them. In fact, I acted like a desperate fuck and let her lead me on for two years while she fucked one of my former friends.

The other girl was gorgeous and we were friends but nothing more. It's just sad because I know she liked me and I could have made it happen but I never even fucking tried. She lived next door to me in my apartment complex and I never went to visit her once because I was too chicken-shit.
Why do you think you're any different than anyone here? That's all of us, Scotty. Anybody who has played the game has gone through that. There are a lucky few who have managed to avoid that stage, but they are so few and far between that they're more like a club. A very small club with passwords and secret handshakes like the Masons, except that I didn't spend eight and a half years of my life with a boner wishing I were in the Masons.

Quote:
Maybe that's the whole point of it. I just feel like I didn't give my all, made mistakes when I should have known better and just a bunch of other things.
And if you were 80 years old in a nursing home, you'd have reason to complain. Somehow, I don't think you've lived quite enough of your life to be really sad about this. Again, this is everyone. We all could have done better. We've all fallen short. Everyone fails in their own way. Even the AA's.

Get off the California Cabbage and do something different. Just go out and . . . find the next part of your life. That's all any of us can do.
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Last edited by Linty Fresh; 11-28-2010 at 01:30 PM..
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  #29  
Old 11-28-2010, 01:58 PM
even sven even sven is offline
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I have a story about regrets. It's a little "Chicken Soup for the Soul." But it is true.

I read about a guy who collected playing cards he found on the ground. After a lifetime of work, he managed to assemble a deck. I was travelling when I read this, and it seemed like a cool idea. Imagine a deck assembled from your world travels! Almost immediately, I saw a card on the side of the road, and went to pick it up.

But as I bent down, I remembered all the places I had been where I hadn't picked up cards. I'm sure I could have found cards when I was in Rome as a teenager...and what about all my college years...That trip to Mexico....the weight of all the time I'd wasted not picking up cards was overwhelming. It made it all seem fruitless, just brought to mind missed opportunities, and made the whole thing kind of sad. I felt like it was just too late to get started. I abandon the project right then and there.

For years, whenever I was travelling and saw a card on the ground. It'd make me feel sad. When I'd pass a card in Delhi or Guatemala City, or whenever, I'd feel that small sense of regret. I'd think "If only I had started collecting cards years ago..."

Until one day on the road I saw a card, I realized "Damn, I've sure been a lot of places since I read that first article! I had no idea the crazy places I'd go!" Suddenly, the cards stopped looking like the sadness of missed opportunity, but rather as being more about abundance and choice. Sure, I hadn't collected the cards. But I'd done tons of other stuff. Really cool stuff. Sure, it may still seem too late to start collecting the cards now, but life didn't seem to care. Life just kept going. And it will keep going. And I've learned to truth that it will take me places that I don't expect.

To this day, whenever I see a card on the road I smile, take a moment to think of the places I've been, and give a little thanks for the choices I've had in my life. I don't have the collection of cards in my hands, but they are in my heart.
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  #30  
Old 11-28-2010, 01:59 PM
kittenblue kittenblue is online now
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How exactly would becoming an All-American have changed your life? Would it have made you more money, made you smarter or faster or kinder or more popular? Would it have changed anything about you, or the way the rest of the world reacts to you? Could you have earned a living wrestling that you can't earn now because you don't have that title? You do know that for 99% of the world, those words mean absolutely nothing about how we react to a person. If my boss told me tomorrow she was an All-American anything, it would not change one bit how I feel about her or react to her. I wouldn't respect her any more or any less. It might be just an interesting blip in her history. But all that high school stuff is just history.
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  #31  
Old 11-28-2010, 02:45 PM
lavenderviolet lavenderviolet is offline
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Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
Everyone says you don't know how it would have worked out. I can say with absolute certainty life would have been better if I had been AA.
Little do you know that, if you had won that title, it would have led you into a match where your opponent would have had a raging case of herpes gladiatorum. If things had turned out differentlly, you would spent the rest of your life covered in herpes lesions.

And those two girls? They both had genital herpes.

Now you can feel better knowing that what you perceived as failures were really your guardian angel trying to protect you from herpes. You're welcome.

(I'm being ridiculous here, but my point is actually that you never really know what unforeseen consequences might have come about if things had been different. You just don't know, a different outcome could have set off a chain of events that would take your life in a worse direction).
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Old 11-28-2010, 02:49 PM
wheresmymind wheresmymind is offline
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Time will ultimately heal the girl issues, but here's my .02:

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Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
As far as the girls go, they were dream girls, but I never had more than a fling with one of them. In fact, I acted like a desperate fuck and let her lead me on for two years while she fucked one of my former friends.
I think you're confusing "hot girl" with "dream girl." A girl that leads you on while fucking one of your mates isn't a "dream girl." She's a hot girl you hooked up with once but who doesn't like you nearly as much as she likes your friend. You didn't "blow" anything here because you never had a chance anyway. You had a fling, she wasn't that into you, end of story. It sucks but it happens to everyone. It's not your fault, you can't make someone like you, other fish in the sea, etc.

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Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
The other girl was gorgeous and we were friends but nothing more. It's just sad because I know she liked me and I could have made it happen but I never even fucking tried. She lived next door to me in my apartment complex and I never went to visit her once because I was too chicken-shit.
That's a crappy feeling, but again it's an experience most people have had. The way to get over this is by learning from it. When the thought of regret enters your mind, say to yourself "I sure learned my lesson. Next time I'm in that situation, I'm going to man up and ask her out." That way you're looking towards the future, which is still (somewhat at least) under your control.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
I can say with absolute certainty life would have been better if I had been AA.
I think you're confusing the title "All American" with the traits that title embodies. I suspect you don't actually think that merely having an NCAA finals medal would somehow solve your problems. It's the qualities that medal represents (passion, drive, determination, strong work ethic, keeping your head under pressure) that would make your life better. But you don't need the medal to have those qualities.

Your best bet for getting over these regrets is to simply realize them for what they are: lessons that will let you live a more fulfilling life from hear on out. Next time you're pretty sure that hottie from apt. 4C is into you, you can be sure you'll find the balls to tell her how you feel.
Next time you're in a high stakes situation that requires focus and hard work, you'll put your nose to the grindstone and produce. Because you'll remember how shitty you felt when you didn't.
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  #33  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:38 PM
panaccione panaccione is offline
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Yeah lavenderviolet too bad I already have herpes gladatorium lol..

So basically everyones advice is to just learn from it. I get that and I have. It's just the simple fact that I seem to dwell on it so much. I honestly have dreams about one of three pretty regularly. Sometimes I'll dream I'm wrestling again and I'll think "I'm not missing out this time.". Then I'll wake up and it's like "shit".

But yeah I've learned from it but like I said it feels like there is a gap there and nothing to really fill it. I can't seem to think "oh well" and get over it.

Oh and whoever thinks I couldn't have been AA, sorry, but again you're wrong. I beat several all-Americans and one national runner-up. So take it for what it is but trust me I was right there.
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  #34  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:53 PM
elbows elbows is offline
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Well, as Catwhisperer alluded to, almost always when we've taken the life lesson, still have regret, and can't seem to find resolution, the difficulty is with ourselves.

Experience has taught me, when I'm feeling unresolved about something I feel I should be able to move past, that it's because there is something I'm not taking ownership of. For most people it's, almost always, an ego thing. Perception is everything when it comes to our egos, my friend.

The difference between owning, that you weren't good enough to be AA, not having what it took to make it as a professional athlete (Maturity, focus, discipline, stability, etc.) and saying, "I smoked too much pot, didn't perform to my peak, but I could have been a contender!", is all about ownership, and ego, pretty clearly.

As for the girl stuff, seeking true love is a fool's journey. The real journey is to seek to be worthy of true love. Beating yourself up over the past is just self absorption dressed up in different clothes. You can look forward or backward in life. Which do you think will steer you where you want to be?
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  #35  
Old 11-28-2010, 08:02 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linty Fresh View Post
(bolding mine)

Honestly? Do you want the honest truth? By growing up. By getting out of your fantasy world, learning from your mistakes, and using what you've learned to move on.
<snip>
This is absolutely true. You keep on keeping on, get a whole bunch more experiences under your belt, get some maturity, do some astounding things, make some spectacular mistakes, and all of a sudden you get something incredibly valuable that you don't have yet - perspective.
Quote:
Brother, please!! It doesn't sound odd. It sounds impossible. You've already had two or three posters who know the score tell you that getting those kinds of honors is out of the realm of possibility for just about everyone, even starters, and that was before you let slip that you toked up during the season. You didn't have what it took to make AA. Period. End of. At that level of play, it's as much of a psychological game as physical, and you just didn't have the discipline to start with. At that point, it doesn't even matter whether or not you got high. Your telling us that you could have made AA if only it weren't for all that weed is like my telling you I could have won the Nobel Prize for physics if only it weren't for all that math. You. Didn't. Have. A. Prayer!! With or without the weed. Accept it. Move on.<snip>
As I said before, my husband has coached or played in the same league as major league baseball players, and the people who make it to the show have one thing in common - they start with ungodly amounts of natural talent, and then they do ungodly amounts of work to make the most of those natural talents. Can you honestly say that you did ungodly amounts of work to make becoming an All American (whatever the hell that is) come to fruition?

One thing that jumps out at me from your additional posts, Scotty, is that you might be thinking that life is like a movie. It isn't. It's just life. Your life sounds pretty normal to me, frankly.
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  #36  
Old 11-28-2010, 09:04 PM
panaccione panaccione is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat Whisperer View Post
This is absolutely true. You keep on keeping on, get a whole bunch more experiences under your belt, get some maturity, do some astounding things, make some spectacular mistakes, and all of a sudden you get something incredibly valuable that you don't have yet - perspective.
As I said before, my husband has coached or played in the same league as major league baseball players, and the people who make it to the show have one thing in common - they start with ungodly amounts of natural talent, and then they do ungodly amounts of work to make the most of those natural talents. Can you honestly say that you did ungodly amounts of work to make becoming an All American (whatever the hell that is) come to fruition?

One thing that jumps out at me from your additional posts, Scotty, is that you might be thinking that life is like a movie. It isn't. It's just life. Your life sounds pretty normal to me, frankly.
To your question -- Yes I can. And for the most part it is but these seemingly little things continuously dig and I relive the experiences over and over. And there's no hope for any of it, ever. So it makes no sense but still I continue to dwell on it. I guess I went through a lot in these periods and just have trouble letting go. What's worse I still continue to make the same mistakes I did in the past. This all happened on a 2 year period and it's been about two years since.
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  #37  
Old 11-28-2010, 09:33 PM
panaccione panaccione is offline
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And All-American for me was placing in the top 8 at nationals for division II
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  #38  
Old 11-29-2010, 12:32 AM
BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed is offline
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As another wrestler, just letting people in this thread know that if you beat other AAs, you have the ability to be AA yourself. It's not like sumo where the grand champion might lose to a lesser guy if he happens to trip a little bit. National champions don't lose matches to just anyone.
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  #39  
Old 11-29-2010, 12:39 AM
mookieblaylock mookieblaylock is offline
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Join the club, man. There are so many things I regret from the past. We all have a few and any one who says otherwise is almost certainly lying. However, when it comes down to it the past isn't real. It has ceased to exist. Thinking about it will not change it. The only part of time that's in your control is the present.
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  #40  
Old 11-29-2010, 11:42 AM
mack mack is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
I have three main regrets in life
Three? Wait another 10-15 years, you'll have a filing system for them.

Mine:

1. Stupid things I Did That Almost Killed Me or Someone else

2. Bad decisions I made that sabotaged my dreams

3. Ways I took advantage of family and friends or otherwise treated them badly

4. Ways I treated the women in my life badly

5. Ways I treated my Children Badly

6. Ways I treated my Wife Badly

7. Ways I Think I Disappointed My Parents Even if I really didn't

8. Things I Wanted To Do With My Father But Didn't Get a Chance Because I Waited Too Long

9. Other things I things I procrastinated on until it was too late

10. Things I'm Lucky I'm Not In Jail For

Any of the above are easily accessible if I need some gristle to chew. Ideally these things will become fewer and farther between as I grow and learn but I always manage to surpise myself.
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  #41  
Old 11-29-2010, 11:58 AM
Blaster Master Blaster Master is offline
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My philosophy on regret is very simple, and I think it's helped me deal with it all a lot easier than I otherwise would have and it's all summed up in a nifty motto: "A regret is merely a lesson unlearned."

By this, I mean, there are certainly situations in my life that I've regretted at times, whether they were chances with women, missed opportunities, poor decisions, or whatever, but time spent brewing on the past is time not spent bettering the present and the future. Instead, I look at these situations and evaluate what I did, directly or indirectly, that created that situation and what I could have done differently. Did I miss an opportunity because I was too shy? Did I procrastinate? Maybe I didn't take certain things into account.

If I can figure out what I did that led to that situation, then hopefully I can figure out how I can prevent it in the future or what I can do to make it better. And after I've learned those lessons, I find that that regret just doesn't last anymore because without that situation I never would have learned that lesson and become who I am now.

And so, as a result, there were some things that I regretted enormously, even some for a number of years, but now that I've extracted some valuable lessons from them, I'm actually quite happy with how they turned out and how they made me a better person. That's not to say I don't have some regrets now, but I remain confident that when I do the work to figure out the lesson and learn it, I'll feel much the same about my current regrets as I do about my old ones.

But seriously, once I figured out that motto and made it a theme for my life, I really feel like it's not only made those regrets manageable, but made me a better person for them.


As for the OP, it's hard to say what lessons you could possibly learn from the situation, as it is a very personal sort of thing. As an example, one of my former regrets about a lost relationship ended up being a failure on my part to trust my intuition, another about not being assertive enough and expressing my feelings about her. As a result of each of those, I've not only learned to trust my intuition more but I've worked to develop it more, and I've become a lot more free in expressing myself, not just in terms of romantic relationships, but in all sorts of situations. Both of those have been enormously helpful to improving my life and I wouldn't trade them back in for either of those relationships.
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  #42  
Old 11-29-2010, 09:14 PM
panaccione panaccione is offline
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Wow that is solid advuce master blaster. I think I will put the time in mull it over and find the lesson.
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  #43  
Old 11-29-2010, 09:45 PM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is offline
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Everyone has regrets, unless they're sociopathic. The trick is not to get over them or forget them, but to treat them as learning experiences. They will never go away. You will never forget your fuckups. But hopefully you can refrain from fucking up like that ever again.

If you think about it every day and it's ruining your life, you may have a psychological condition (like anxiety). Get therapy, and failing that try some medication. Don't expect these things to go away, though. That's unrealistic.

Or you could subscribe to the many worlds hypothesis, and convince yourself that if you had become an All-American, you would have died as a result (say, a car crash on the way to a meet). If you had stayed with Girl A or B, she would have gotten pregnant and lost the baby and you would have committed suicide. And that maybe there is a reason certain things worked out the way they did.

Or, you could try religion. I don't recommend it though.

(Just saw Blaster's post, which I did NOT read before commenting--but similar philosophy on the matter. I think it works well.)

Last edited by Rachellelogram; 11-29-2010 at 09:46 PM..
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  #44  
Old 11-29-2010, 11:49 PM
dzero dzero is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelellogram View Post
Everyone has regrets, unless they're sociopathic.
I probably do have some sociopathic tendencies, but I don't believe I have any regrets. There are things I might decide to do differently, but that isn't necessarily the same thing. And even in those cases I would have to be careful to understand what my abilities and limitations were at the time before concluding I had made the wrong choice.

Part of the problem with hindsight isn't just having more information about a decision you made but the wisdom to see why something was a bad decision. If instead you adopt the mindset you likely had at the time, even with the additional information you may not have decided differently.

For example, I decided to graduate high school after 3 years since it seemed to be a monumental waste of time. But I knew I wasn't ready to adapt to a different living situation and a new educational environment at the same time, so I only applied to the one university that was local to me. It was a good school but it wasn't ivy league and I always thought that had I waited the extra year and applied to the top tier schools I might have been better off. But knowing what I was like at the time, I'm fairly sure the extra year wouldn't have made a difference and that I made the right choice.

Regrets are the result of not assessing past events in light of one's limited information and limited abilities at that point in time. It also results from not objectively considering all of the possible outcomes, both good and bad. Yes, you can certainly learn from decisions that turned out to be detrimental, and you certainly should, but the only ones I can see regretting are those that you should have realized, even at the time, were egregiously stupid.
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  #45  
Old 11-29-2010, 11:57 PM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is offline
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Someone who can honestly say they've never done anything egregiously stupid in their whole life cannot possibly be a member of the human race.

I'm illustrating a point with hyperbole. But I do not believe that you don't have regrets, dzero. Maybe you call your regrets by a different name... whatever keeps us sane. But they're still just as sweet.
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  #46  
Old 11-30-2010, 12:30 AM
dzero dzero is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rachelellogram View Post
Someone who can honestly say they've never done anything egregiously stupid in their whole life cannot possibly be a member of the human race.

I'm illustrating a point with hyperbole. But I do not believe that you don't have regrets, dzero. Maybe you call your regrets by a different name... whatever keeps us sane. But they're still just as sweet.
I've done things I would consider egregiously stupid, I've just been extremely lucky so there have never been any consequences to regret. The few things that have happened to me that have had persistent or life-long consequences were things over which I had no control - like getting encephalitis for example.

I do beat myself up over things I've said and done but they are usually trivial and I recognize them as OCD symptoms. But as for decisions I've made, I guess I'm just more accepting of my limitations than a lot of other people might be.
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  #47  
Old 11-30-2010, 10:15 AM
elbows elbows is offline
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You can't get past it because, "I could have been All American!" doesn't reconcile with "I lacked the discipline to stop smoking bud!" These two things don't go together, pretty clearly.

No, you didn't have what it takes to be All American, because what the others had, that you lacked, and is required, is the discipline to forsake their vices in pursuit of their dream.

Until you can own that, I don't think you'll find resolution.
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  #48  
Old 12-01-2010, 11:38 AM
PunditLisa PunditLisa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scotty Mo View Post
Oh and whoever thinks I couldn't have been AA, sorry, but again you're wrong. I beat several all-Americans and one national runner-up. So take it for what it is but trust me I was right there.
Not to belittle your accomplishments, but even if you'd won that title and been designated Champion of the Free World, you'd now be the former Champion of the Free World. And, still, no one would care because it has no bearing on your life today.

You say you could have won AA if only you'd done x and y. Seems to me that you haven't learned anything from that lesson. Because instead of doing something worthwhile NOW you're still goofing off and focusing on the past, which you have absolutely no power to change.

Quit making excuses for why you're still not reaching your potential, and work towards bettering yourself. You didn't win AA, but I'm sure a youth organization in your area could use the talents of a former almost-AA.
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  #49  
Old 12-01-2010, 05:08 PM
Rilchiam Rilchiam is offline
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I have a cousin who lost the 1978 NCAA wrestling championship in the last match. He was so. close. My uncle said for years, and probably still would if anyone asked him, that John did not have both shoulder blades on the mat at the same time. Except nobody's asking these days. And what I'll always remember is that while the winner was pumping his fists and lifting his coach in the air, John got up from the mat. With a look on his face that would break your heart, but he got up. And went on with his life.

And what I also didn't know until years later is that the guy who won, Jimmy Johnson, was the first African-American NCAA wrestling champ. So if my cousin had won, I hate to say it, but he would have been just another white guy who won. Make of that what you will.

Last edited by Rilchiam; 12-01-2010 at 05:09 PM..
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