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  #1  
Old 02-10-2011, 01:47 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Should I take stress leave from work?

Here is the situation:

1) I am trying to get pregnant and am very, very stressed out about the situation, which apparently isn't a good thing for getting pregnant.
2) I am having some issues at work where people are spreading false gossip about me and no one, including me boss, seems to be doing anything about it.
3) My therapist has (strongly) suggested I take a month or two off of work to re-evaluate my life/goals/hopefully get pregnant.
4) I'm in Canada (Alberta) and can take stress leave if I get a doctor's note (which I can). I have done this once in the past for a month.

I'm on the fence. I was against it until a meeting with my boss this morning, and now I'm considering it because of the continued issues with people around this office.

I'd also feel like an ass taking 'stress leave' tbh. The time I did it before, I really needed it, as I entered an outpatient rehab program for alcohol and couldn't have done it without time to focus on myself and recovery.

What'd'ya think?

Last edited by EmAnJ; 02-10-2011 at 01:47 PM..
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  #2  
Old 02-10-2011, 01:53 PM
Panurge Panurge is offline
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From your point 3+4 I'd say: Yes. Do it - take stress leave. Your therapist advises it, and you can do it without losing your job. You might only need a month now - if you wait another month before you do it, you might need four.

My wife went through something like this in 2009. She (we) realized the seriousness of it too late, and she had to leave work for about 6 months as a result. Stress is not fun..
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  #3  
Old 02-10-2011, 01:57 PM
PandaBear77 PandaBear77 is offline
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I have 2 questions ...

1. Suppose you do get pregnant (YAY!) The stress at work continues - then what? More leave? (I'm not in Canada so I don't know how things work up there.)

2. If you do take leave how are you paying bills in the meantime?

3. What would Opal do?
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  #4  
Old 02-10-2011, 02:01 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Originally Posted by PandaBear77 View Post
I have 2 questions ...

1. Suppose you do get pregnant (YAY!) The stress at work continues - then what? More leave? (I'm not in Canada so I don't know how things work up there.)

2. If you do take leave how are you paying bills in the meantime?

3. What would Opal do?
1) I would tough it out until my maternity leave kicks in, which is one year. If I can't tough it out, I'll take leave.

2) I get paid short term disability, so I make the same salary, or close to.

3) Hi, Opal!
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  #5  
Old 02-10-2011, 02:03 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Oh, actually, just checked with the hubby - I won't make my salary. I have to check on this.
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  #6  
Old 02-10-2011, 02:11 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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I just found the policy - I can take two months at full salary, then four more at 70% salary. I was looking for probably six weeks away.
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  #7  
Old 02-10-2011, 03:07 PM
Tortuga Tortuga is offline
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Sounds like the right choice then. It probably won't help the gossip situation, but fuck 'em.
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  #8  
Old 02-10-2011, 03:18 PM
Maastricht Maastricht is offline
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Do it.
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  #9  
Old 02-10-2011, 04:20 PM
OpalCat OpalCat is offline
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I would do it if it wouldn't jeopardize the job.
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  #10  
Old 02-10-2011, 04:58 PM
kushiel kushiel is offline
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The only part I'd worry about are the reactions of your coworkers and your boss. If your coworkers are already gossiping, they'll continue to do so, and if you get pregnant soon, they'll go into overdrive. And I know your boss can't do anything to you legally here in Canada, but he might get miffed enough to try and make it worth it for you to leave your job. I worked at a small business where my boss was the owner, and was shocked when I heard him say he wished he never had to bring my coworker back from mat leave and wanted to keep her mat leave replacement.
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  #11  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:04 PM
Skammer Skammer is offline
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Wow, you Canadians get nice leave benefits.

skammer, FMLA Administrator
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  #12  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:19 PM
Kimmy_Gibbler Kimmy_Gibbler is offline
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After your second month-long stress leave, be prepared for your employer scrupulously to document your every absence, tardiness, extended break, error, omission, split infinitive, and typo. That's because they'll be builidng a record to substantiate their good cause for terminating you as soon as they feel they can.

Seems like you're better off either toughing it out or leaving now and getting a decent reference.

Last edited by Kimmy_Gibbler; 02-10-2011 at 05:20 PM..
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  #13  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:30 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Originally Posted by Kimmy_Gibbler View Post
After your second month-long stress leave, be prepared for your employer scrupulously to document your every absence, tardiness, extended break, error, omission, split infinitive, and typo. That's because they'll be builidng a record to substantiate their good cause for terminating you as soon as they feel they can.

Seems like you're better off either toughing it out or leaving now and getting a decent reference.
My other leave wasn't with this company, and this company knows nothing about my previous leave.
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  #14  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:33 PM
CPomeroy CPomeroy is offline
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If it was me my first instinct would be to find another job. I understand that there may be reasons why this is not any option, including the crappy economy, but if you do take leave, won't the same problems exist when you go back to work? They may have even gotten worse.
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  #15  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:37 PM
Kimmy_Gibbler Kimmy_Gibbler is offline
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Originally Posted by EmAnJ View Post
My other leave wasn't with this company, and this company knows nothing about my previous leave.
What was your experience with the other company post-leave? Did it have a bearing on why you're no longer employed with them?

I'm not saying this to bust your balls. I'm just saying that sometimes leave laws and Human Rights Commissions are full of big ideas and stories and nowhere to be found when you're left holding the bag.
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  #16  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:37 PM
Shot From Guns Shot From Guns is offline
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I think Kimmy's right: it already sounds like this workplace isn't a good fit and won't be getting any better. Taking time away would be a short-term solution that won't solve anything in the long term. My $0.02 is that you either (a) work to resolve the problems at work instead of running away from them, however justified that running may be, because they'll just be waiting for you (ampliphied) when you return; or (b) start looking for a new job now instead of when questions about your dedication will be met with, "I dunno, she's always taking time off."
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  #17  
Old 02-10-2011, 05:42 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Thanks for the input guys.

When I came back from my leave at my last job, everything was exactly the same. I didn't take that leave for anything related to work, and it had no bearing on my leaving the company (I left to take the job I currently have).

The issues at work are about 10% of the reason I'd want to take leave. The only reason I'm considering it is because my therapist suggested it, I hadn't thought of it prior to that. She thinks I'm way too stressed out about this fertility stuff and I really, really need to find a way to back off and relax.

You are right about the situation upon my return, however. I don't know how that'll pan out. Looking for another job isn't an option at this moment - if I did get a new job, we'd have to put the whole fertility process on hold, which is expensive and even more stressful. I have to be with a new company for a certain amount of time before I can receive benefits. I had been looking for a job last fall, and had a few interviews, but nothing worked out, unfortunately.
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  #18  
Old 02-10-2011, 07:54 PM
treis treis is offline
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I think it's absolutely ridiculous.
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  #19  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:02 PM
faithfool faithfool is online now
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I'd say take it then.
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  #20  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:31 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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A few thoughts here; I don't think you have a future at this job. It doesn't sound like you're a good fit for whatever reason; I do think this leave will be different, in that the gossip will escalate once you're on leave for personal reasons when they already don't like you. Take the leave and try to get pregnant, but be prepared to look for another job when it's over if you're not pregnant by that time or suck up the bad treatment there so you don't have to put your mat leave on hold (for our American viewers, mat leave is 12 months in Canada and not to be given up lightly). You might have to chose between mat leave and happy at work at some point regardless, though, depending on how long it takes to get pregnant.
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  #21  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:47 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Thanks.

I just brought it up with hubby and we had a huge blow out over it. It seems I'll be toughing it out, or possibly looking for a new job and not trying to have kids. I dunno right now.
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  #22  
Old 02-10-2011, 08:54 PM
GrandWino GrandWino is offline
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How long have you been at your current job?
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  #23  
Old 02-10-2011, 09:29 PM
Kimmy_Gibbler Kimmy_Gibbler is offline
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Originally Posted by EmAnJ View Post
Thanks.

I just brought it up with hubby and we had a huge blow out over it. It seems I'll be toughing it out, or possibly looking for a new job and not trying to have kids. I dunno right now.
Did your therapist have any other suggestions regarding coping with the stresses of trying to conceive and handling antagonistic behavior in the workplace? Hopefully so, since it is important to develop such coping skills, in particular because so few of us can just take a month off to decompress. If not, you might want to look for another therapist to supplement or substitute for your current one.
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  #24  
Old 02-10-2011, 09:45 PM
IvoryTowerDenizen IvoryTowerDenizen is online now
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Adding children to a stressful life does not diminish stress. Perhaps ensuring you have a good situation regarding your job, or really good coping mechanisms should be a top priority before getting pregnant. Even if you were planning to leave your job once you had a baby, stress coping skills are really important. I am prone to stress and had limited skills in dealing with it before I had kids. It's hard to learn them on the fly.

Good luck and hugs to you!

Last edited by IvoryTowerDenizen; 02-10-2011 at 09:45 PM..
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  #25  
Old 02-10-2011, 09:55 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Originally Posted by EmAnJ View Post
Thanks.

I just brought it up with hubby and we had a huge blow out over it. It seems I'll be toughing it out, or possibly looking for a new job and not trying to have kids. I dunno right now.
Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you're really at a loss here trying to make a decision on this job. I've been there before (too many times), and if I had a good method of making those kinds of choices, I'd definitely tell you.
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  #26  
Old 02-10-2011, 10:34 PM
alice_in_wonderland alice_in_wonderland is offline
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Originally Posted by EmAnJ View Post
Thanks.

I just brought it up with hubby and we had a huge blow out over it. It seems I'll be toughing it out, or possibly looking for a new job and not trying to have kids. I dunno right now.
I am somewhat confused - you know if you start a new job directly from this one you'll still be entitled to a full year of EI, right?

Now, granted your take home will only be $1,750/month (I'm assuming you're at the top of the benefit ladder) and that includes the Universal Childcare Tax Credit of $100 per month, but it's not like you'll be brining nothing into the relationship finance wise.

What, specifically was your husband's objection?
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  #27  
Old 02-11-2011, 10:58 AM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Just a brief update: I spoke with the husband last night and he is very concerned that I may burn bridges if I take leave right now, then come back pregnant, only to take maternity leave seven months later. He thinks that if I try to come back from maternity leave part time (which is ideal), they won't even consider it because they'll be pissed. He is also worried that they may try to move me somewhere where I'll hate the job and will end up quitting, which also isn't ideal.

I think he's right, so we're pursuing other options (continued and increased therapy, acupuncture, TCM, meditation) for now.

Thanks for the input everyone.
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  #28  
Old 02-11-2011, 11:51 AM
GrandWino GrandWino is offline
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Don't know if you saw my earlier question, but I'm genuinely interested in how long you've been at your current job.
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  #29  
Old 02-11-2011, 12:24 PM
Eliahna Eliahna is online now
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I'm intrigued by how you're going to cope with a baby if contemplating conception is so stressful that you need six weeks leave to deal with it. I know you listed other reasons for taking the leave, but the plan to soon begin trying to have a baby is right there at the top of the list. Having been there, done that, I understand how ongoing fertility problems cause the stress to mount up and up the longer it takes but going into the conception process already so stressed that you need to take leave from work? It doesn't sound like making a baby should be your top priority until you get other things under your control so that your stress levels aren't so high.

(If the above looks like big conclusions drawn from small amounts of information, it's probably me projecting. Feel free to factor that into any decisions you may make about the quality of my advice).
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  #30  
Old 02-11-2011, 12:37 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Don't know if you saw my earlier question, but I'm genuinely interested in how long you've been at your current job.
I've been here for 19 months.
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  #31  
Old 02-11-2011, 12:38 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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I'm intrigued by how you're going to cope with a baby if contemplating conception is so stressful that you need six weeks leave to deal with it. I know you listed other reasons for taking the leave, but the plan to soon begin trying to have a baby is right there at the top of the list. Having been there, done that, I understand how ongoing fertility problems cause the stress to mount up and up the longer it takes but going into the conception process already so stressed that you need to take leave from work? It doesn't sound like making a baby should be your top priority until you get other things under your control so that your stress levels aren't so high.

(If the above looks like big conclusions drawn from small amounts of information, it's probably me projecting. Feel free to factor that into any decisions you may make about the quality of my advice).
Thanks for the advice, but there are big bits of information missing that may lead you to draw a different conclusion if I wrote about them. I appreciate the input however.

Last edited by EmAnJ; 02-11-2011 at 12:39 PM..
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  #32  
Old 02-11-2011, 12:56 PM
Crafter_Man Crafter_Man is online now
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Originally Posted by IvoryTowerDenizen View Post
Adding children to a stressful life does not diminish stress.
As a parent of three, I second this.

If you're the type that gets stressed out very easily, to the point that you need professional help, do you think having children would be a good idea?
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  #33  
Old 02-11-2011, 01:18 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Look, it's not just that I'm stressed from our fertility issues. I want to give my body the very best chance of conceiving and that means eliminating stress, even normal day to day stresses. I see a therapist for reasons other then fertility and stress, and it's someone I've been seeing for seven years. The ONLY reason I considered taking stress leave is the give it my best shot by getting rid of as many external stressors as possible, including work stress, the stress from doing invasive fertility treatments, etc.

I have a normal amount of stress in my day to day life (which I generally deal with just fine, as most of you do, I'm sure), plus the additional stress of trying to conceive, which is also normal for anyone in that situation. But when you've been trying to conceive for three years, you get to the point where you'll try ANYTHING to get pregnant, including taking a leave from work if it's at all possible, which I guess for me, is not possible.

I fully understand that it is stressful being a parent and I am DESPERATELY HOPING to deal with that stress at some point. Saying to me that I may not be ready for being a parent because I 'can't deal with stress now' is a kick in the gut.
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  #34  
Old 02-11-2011, 01:19 PM
Manda JO Manda JO is offline
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Fertility treatments are incredibly stressful: the best way I ever heard it described is that it is as if you are waiting for biopsy results 2 weeks out of every month. Add a couple of miscarriages and you are describing a situation that can't fairly be described as "stressed out very easily".
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  #35  
Old 02-11-2011, 01:21 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Fertility treatments are incredibly stressful: the best way I ever heard it described is that it is as if you are waiting for biopsy results 2 weeks out of every month. Add a couple of miscarriages and you are describing a situation that can't fairly be described as "stressed out very easily".
Thank you, that is exactly it. I am one miscarriage away from repeat loss testing as well. It's been a rough three years.
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  #36  
Old 02-11-2011, 01:23 PM
Manda JO Manda JO is offline
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EmAnJ, try not to worry too much about the stress: "stress" is the way people blame the victim for infertility--it makes it your fault for just not relaxing enough. I don't know what your particular issues are, and I am hope that they are fixable with medical intervention, but the problems are in someone's reproductive system, I promise.
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  #37  
Old 02-11-2011, 01:27 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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EmAnJ, try not to worry too much about the stress: "stress" is the way people blame the victim for infertility--it makes it your fault for just not relaxing enough. I don't know what your particular issues are, and I am hope that they are fixable with medical intervention, but the problems are in someone's reproductive system, I promise.
Thank you so much. It's so hard to hear people say that I need to relax when it's so difficult to not think about it all the time, especially during the two week wait. It's especially hard because we're 'unexplained' and everything seems normal (as far as they've tested).

Either way, I'm not taking leave, but am booked in for acupuncture and a consult with a traditional Chinese medicine practitioner next Thursday, as is my husband. We're going to try this along with our next two IUIs and then take a break from trying for a few months while continuing acu and TCM.

Last edited by EmAnJ; 02-11-2011 at 01:28 PM..
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  #38  
Old 02-11-2011, 01:36 PM
Lust4Life Lust4Life is offline
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Being the parent of a new baby, particulary if its your first, can be incredibly stressful what with the lack of sleep, the crying etc. and you WON'T be able to walk away from it or take leave.

And then you have the financial penalties.

It will be a twenty four hour duty every day for the forseeable future.


Do you think that you will be able to handle it ?


I'd seriously think long and hard before you commit yourself to this if you are having difficulty coping with stress.

And I'm surprised at your therapist encouraging you in this.
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Old 02-11-2011, 01:42 PM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is offline
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EmAnJ, try not to worry too much about the stress: "stress" is the way people blame the victim for infertility--it makes it your fault for just not relaxing enough. I don't know what your particular issues are, and I am hope that they are fixable with medical intervention, but the problems are in someone's reproductive system, I promise.
Agreed.

We spent three years trying to conceive and decided that the stress it was putting on us - on our relationship and our lives - was too much. At one point I looked at my reproductive endochronolist and said "we're done. If we keep going I might have a baby, but I won't have a husband." We ended up adopting. Then we conceived by surprise during one of the most stressful periods of our lives. (We were also "normal" - no reason we weren't concieving.)

Don't loose your life to TTC......Having children does not make you a better person. Not having children does not mean you are a failure. Being childless isn't horrible (and you'll get more sleep and have more money). Adopting isn't second best.

I also hope that medical intervention is successful. All the best.

Last edited by Dangerosa; 02-11-2011 at 01:43 PM..
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  #40  
Old 02-11-2011, 02:12 PM
Manda JO Manda JO is offline
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Being the parent of a new baby, particulary if its your first, can be incredibly stressful what with the lack of sleep, the crying etc. and you WON'T be able to walk away from it or take leave.

And then you have the financial penalties.

It will be a twenty four hour duty every day for the forseeable future.


Do you think that you will be able to handle it ?


I'd seriously think long and hard before you commit yourself to this if you are having difficulty coping with stress.

And I'm surprised at your therapist encouraging you in this.
She's not saying she can't handle it. She's saying that she is concerned that handling it is preventing her from conceiving/carrying to term. I can handle a lot of stress, but if I wanted to write the great American novel, I'd need to cut a lot of it out.

Now, I tend to think her concerns are mostly groundless: as I said above, I tend to think the emphasis on "stress" is really a form of (often self-imposed) blaming the victim.

Furthermore, there are a thousand support systems for new parents. Infertility treatments are a lonely path. I have never heard of anyone who got pregnant after infertility treatments and was at all nostalgic for the old days when all they had to worry about was whether they would ever be a parent.
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  #41  
Old 02-11-2011, 02:15 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Originally Posted by Lust4Life View Post
Being the parent of a new baby, particulary if its your first, can be incredibly stressful what with the lack of sleep, the crying etc. and you WON'T be able to walk away from it or take leave.

And then you have the financial penalties.

It will be a twenty four hour duty every day for the forseeable future.


Do you think that you will be able to handle it ?


I'd seriously think long and hard before you commit yourself to this if you are having difficulty coping with stress.

And I'm surprised at your therapist encouraging you in this.
Did you miss where I said I HOPE AND PRAY I get that chance? I look forward to it. I would LOVE to be sleep deprived because I was up all night with an infant. I would give anything to have a twenty four hour duty to a child. I would do anything to have mounds of laundry to do, housework I can never catch up on, baby puke on my clothes and baby poop in my hair. I WANT this, yet I keep failing to get this every month. THAT is what I'm stressed about. Get it?
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  #42  
Old 02-11-2011, 02:21 PM
GrandWino GrandWino is offline
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This is going to be an unpopular opinion, I imagine, but I really believe that if somebody (anybody, not just you) has this much trouble having kids - that maybe it's nature's way of telling you to adopt. I don't believe in God but I do believe that nature has an order about it that works like a fine machine. When we try and tinker with the formula, we end up with Octomom's and the like.

And I agree with the posters asking how you'll handle the stress of motherhood if you can't handle the stress of a job (are you an air-traffic controller?) After all, you can't take a six week "stress" break from parenthood (though I'm not Canadian... maybe you can up there).

Also, children really reflect their parents when it comes to their personalities and they way they handle stress. Will your son or daughter be allowed to take 6 weeks off from school each year when they have a tough time? You have to be able to teach proper coping mechanisms and I don't see how you could do so if your first instinct was to take time off (before considering the alternatives).
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  #43  
Old 02-11-2011, 02:23 PM
GrandWino GrandWino is offline
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Did you miss where I said I HOPE AND PRAY I get that chance? I look forward to it. I would LOVE to be sleep deprived because I was up all night with an infant. I would give anything to have a twenty four hour duty to a child. I would do anything to have mounds of laundry to do, housework I can never catch up on, baby puke on my clothes and baby poop in my hair. I WANT this, yet I keep failing to get this every month. THAT is what I'm stressed about. Get it?
Can you just take a break from the baby-making for a year and get back to practicing the baby-making, if you know what I mean? Maybe relaxing on your ambitions of motherhood and just trying to focus on have fun with sex again will help?

Also, put your legs in the air while swinging a dead cat in a graveyard or something. Can't hurt, right?
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  #44  
Old 02-11-2011, 02:33 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Can you just take a break from the baby-making for a year and get back to practicing the baby-making, if you know what I mean? Maybe relaxing on your ambitions of motherhood and just trying to focus on have fun with sex again will help?

Also, put your legs in the air while swinging a dead cat in a graveyard or something. Can't hurt, right?
Ha, yes, that's the plan. We have two more IUIs coming up, and if they don't work, were taking a break for the summer.

It's just difficult for me to take a break, because I know my husband has an age when he'll want to stop trying, and it just feels like we're getting closer and closer and I don't want to miss our chance.
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  #45  
Old 02-11-2011, 02:35 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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And also, I should add that some weird twist of fate happened hours after I originally posted this thread. The woman that's been causing 90% of my problems at work has been fired! A sign! Ha! I'm hoping this helps with a lot of the ongoing issues and things settle down.
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  #46  
Old 02-11-2011, 02:35 PM
lindsaybluth lindsaybluth is offline
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Count me as one of the people suspecting your ability to be a successful parent to an infant (I'm sure you'd be an excellent parent to an older child and above).

With your history of depression, alcoholism and eating disorders combined with your other issues (spending money out of control) I can't see how you'll be a fit mother to an infant. If you need time off just to conceive, let alone be pregnant and give birth, well.... Many fit, able-bodied women who get pregnant naturally suffer from post-partum depression; what's to indicate you aren't almost guaranteed to get it?

And, from your husband's perspective, should he be trusting you to make the best decision for you both? It sounds like the baby mania has taken over your judgment. It doesn't sound like he wants to be the sole breadwinner, and yet with you putting so much focus into being around for an infant in your last post, it seems like you'd like nothing more than to be a stay at home mom. He's more concerned for your job than you are, perhaps because you don't seem to be taking it very seriously.

Hasn't he already taken a lesser paying job so he could spend more time with you? Doesn't that obligate you to have a job as well to contribute to household expenses?
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  #47  
Old 02-11-2011, 02:44 PM
Eliahna Eliahna is online now
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Sorry, having read your more recent responses I realize I misunderstood where you're at in the TTC process. I thought you were just about to start trying, not three years in. I fully understand how that's a stressful point to reach (maybe you can relate to my inability to sympathise with people who start flipping out a month or less into TTC).
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Old 02-11-2011, 02:45 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsaybluth View Post
Count me as one of the people suspecting your ability to be a successful parent to an infant (I'm sure you'd be an excellent parent to an older child and above).

With your history of depression, alcoholism and eating disorders combined with your other issues (spending money out of control) I can't see how you'll be a fit mother to an infant. If you need time off just to conceive, let alone be pregnant and give birth, well.... Many fit, able-bodied women who get pregnant naturally suffer from post-partum depression; what's to indicate you aren't almost guaranteed to get it?

And, from your husband's perspective, should he be trusting you to make the best decision for you both? It sounds like the baby mania has taken over your judgment. It doesn't sound like he wants to be the sole breadwinner, and yet with you putting so much focus into being around for an infant in your last post, it seems like you'd like nothing more than to be a stay at home mom. He's more concerned for your job than you are, perhaps because you don't seem to be taking it very seriously.

Hasn't he already taken a lesser paying job so he could spend more time with you? Doesn't that obligate you to have a job as well to contribute to household expenses?
I have no idea where you got any of the points I have bolded. Where did I say or infer that I'm spending money out of control? Where did I say he took a lesser paying job? You really have me confused for someone else.

We have a going back to work plan for me that involves a number of options, but there was never an option for me to stay home. We have a good support system here, and my husbands work schedule is such that our child will only need daycare two days a week, at most (usually none). My husband has worked as a fire fighter for four years, and that was a decision based upon his life long goal to be a fire fighter. I have no idea where you got the idea that he changed his job for me?

I certainly have suffered from mild depression, alcoholism and eating disorders, but are you then inferring that someone who has suffered from any of those issues should never have kids, regardless of if they have fully recovered or not?

My stress is from trying to conceive and some from work. Work stress is on par with what most of you experience. Telling someone who is stressed from trying to conceive to STOP trying is counterproductive. Sure, we'll take breaks. We're getting help to deal with the problems we're having (via the therapy that some seem to think is an indicator that I shouldn't have kids for some reason). I no longer have issues with alcohol or eating disorders (and haven't for years) and though post partum depression could be a concern, I'm sure it's a concern for many, many moms.

Either way, I'm sorry I started this thread. I don't think I'll be checking on it anymore.
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Old 02-11-2011, 03:06 PM
lindsaybluth lindsaybluth is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EmAnJ View Post
I have no idea where you got any of the points I have bolded. Where did I say or infer that I'm spending money out of control? Where did I say he took a lesser paying job? You really have me confused for someone else.
I obviously don't have you confused for someone else if I brought up your history of alcoholism, eating disorders, and depression - something you did not admit to in the OP. I recall him working out of town for two weeks at a time, during which time you spent tons of money. Then he decided to take a different job (the firefighter one) so he could be with you all the time. Definite cut in pay. If I have you confused with someone else, I'm very sorry. But I don't think I do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmAnJ View Post
We have a going back to work plan for me that involves a number of options, but there was never an option for me to stay home.
Never said that YOU said that, I was inferring it from your posts. You're already considering part time work aft a year's maternity leave; that doesn't scream "job commitment".

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmAnJ View Post
I certainly have suffered from mild depression, alcoholism and eating disorders, but are you then inferring that someone who has suffered from any of those issues should never have kids, regardless of if they have fully recovered or not?
I think if you've been in therapy for 7 years, it's a far cry from "mild". I think that someone with a history of mental instability should reconsider, absolutely. And I don't think I'm in the minority either. You kind of have a triple whammy going on there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by EmAnJ View Post
My stress is from trying to conceive and some from work. Work stress is on par with what most of you experience. Telling someone who is stressed from trying to conceive to STOP trying is counterproductive. Sure, we'll take breaks. We're getting help to deal with the problems we're having (via the therapy that some seem to think is an indicator that I shouldn't have kids for some reason). I no longer have issues with alcohol or eating disorders (and haven't for years) and though post partum depression could be a concern, I'm sure it's a concern for many, many moms.

Either way, I'm sorry I started this thread. I don't think I'll be checking on it anymore.
Look, nobody starts these threads without getting advice they don't want to hear. For the most part you've actually gotten excellent advice from a variety of people. I'm not telling you to stop trying to conceive. I'm asking you take everything into account: your history of mental illness, anorexia and alcoholism, the fact you haven't been using any birth control in 9 years, your issues with stress and work and the fact you've been in therapy for 7 years.

That's a lotta stuff on your plate. And a baby isn't going to make everything better, it's only going to make it a whole hell of a lot harder.

You started the thread to get support for an idea even your husband doesn't support. That should really tell you something about your priorities and how much emphasis you're putting on having a baby.

Last edited by twickster; 02-12-2011 at 08:21 AM.. Reason: fixed coding
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  #50  
Old 02-11-2011, 03:40 PM
EmAnJ EmAnJ is offline
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1) He is a fire fighter because it has been his dream since he was a kid and it take YEARS to get in here (it took him two years just to go through the application process). His leaving work in the oilfield had little to do with my preferences. My spending money was done because he worked in the oil field and made lots of money (so we had lots to spend) AND I was 22/23 at the time and irresponsible with money. Once he switched jobs and our finances changed, we reined the spending in and are very financially responsible at 30.

2) Working part time afterwards was HIS suggestion, not mine. HE wants me to cut back on hours so I can be at home more for the kids. He makes more then enough money to cover us even if I do decide I don't want to go back to work. He has also thrown around the idea that we move out of the city and cut our costs even more, so I can stay at home full time. HIS idea, not mine.

3) Both of us are full proponents of therapy as an ongoing support system, EVEN in times of calm. We go for check in's every few months, even if no issues have cropped up. The fact that I've been with her for seven years just speaks to the fact that she's a great therapist that we both like. BOTH of us go to her, both together and separately, for problems above and beyond those you've listed. We have learned how to argue in a constructive manner, worked out minor arguments, and have learned a lot about each other with her help.

4) HE doesn't support my taking time off work right now. He FULLY supports having a child. We've been discussing and preparing to have kids for YEARS.

Your view of me is rabidly skewed and piecemeal. Add to that the fact that you don't have kids, and if I recall, don't even want any, and you have no fucking idea what you're talking about.
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