Somebody give me a hug--I'm a Mean Mommy this morning :(

[Duck Duck Goose]

The Cat Who Walks Alone sat and wept helplessly at the dining room table earlier this morning as she begged to be allowed to stay home from school. Further questioning elicited the information that she hadn't done either of two huge chemistry assignments due today. Instead of doing chemistry yesterday after school, she went shopping at Wal-Mart for snacks for the Youth Room at church, then she had Drama Team at church from 5 to 6-ish, then she had church itself from 7 to 8, then she had "hanging around with friends" from 8 to 10, at which point she came home.

It was a tough call; I've been where she's at, with the huge homework assignment not done. But I had to stick to my guns and tell her that homework always comes first, trying not to preach at her but pointing out that someone else could have done the shopping for Youth Room snacks, the Drama Team leader would have understood if she'd called him and said she had too much homework, etc. All of those activities are optional. Homework isn't.

"You made your choice; this is what happens."

So she spent so much time sitting at the table crying instead of getting ready for school that when her ride got here, she wasn't ready, and Alison had to come inside and wait patiently for 5 minutes, adding further to my daughter's social disgrace.

So I can't wait for the Better Half to come home for lunch and dump this in his lap, so here I am dumping it in MPSIMS's lap. Plop.

Thank you for listening. I don't feel much better, but hey, at least I spread some of the misery around.

[racerx]

Oh Duck Duck Goose, you know you did the right thing. And what may seem like the biggest thing in the world to The Cat right now will seem like a little speck in a year or so. I think we've all done something like what she did a few times during our education. Sorry you had to do the tough thing. *hugs*

Then again, if anything I've said is stupid, feel free to ignore it. I've never been a parent. I just hope your day gets better.

[Alatariel]

You did right- my parents always let me get away with it. Took me a while to learn to take deadlines seriously. Luckily all my profs are patient....

[heartless]She'll get over it- and a smack now is better than a bigger smack in, say, college, if she blew off a big project. [/heartless]

Or you may have saved her from a future lynching by possible partners on a group project. I know there've been times when I was planning the perfect murder, at 2am the day a project was due, when I got the half done portion my partner emailed me....

[QuickSilver]

Personally I blame that church crowd that your kid is hanging around with. It seems clear that they are up to no good and serve only to distract your child from a good education. I say you insist that she disassociate herself from that group of ne'r-do-wells.

Here's to hoping your little one learned an important lesson today. Sometimes the most memorable lessons are the least pleasant ones.

[Duck Duck Goose]

Thank you, everybody. All I needed was for one other functioning adult to tell me I did the right thing.

I almost forgot, the worst part of it was that, for the first time ever, I had to invoke the Holy God of the Car Keys, because she sat there and refused to budge. "You can't make me go to school." And so then we had the little talk that goes, "Mature people who can face up to their responsibilities and take the bad with the good are allowed to have the car keys and take the car to Wal-Mart. Immature people who can't, are not."

Eewww. Unpleasant Parental Moment #249,478 in a series of approximately one billion.

[screech-owl]

Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose
..."Mature people who can face up to their responsibilities and take the bad with the good are allowed to have the car keys and take the car to Wal-Mart. Immature people who can't, are not."...

If you don't mind, I am going to modify this, print it out and put this on my computer to get myself motivated on a Very Important Project. Details are unnecessary: suffice to say, I needed a good swift kick to get my act together and you provided it at this moment.

Thanks mom. (But don't tell the The Cat that sometimes us adults need a good talking to once in awhile!)


[temper tantrum]
I AM NOT IMMATURE!!!. AM NOT! AM NOT! AM NOT!
::kicking and screaming::
[/temper tantrum]

[The Mermaid]

That truly sounds unpleasant but did you also get the

"I HATE YOU, I REALLY HATE YOU AND I HATE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE AND I HATE EVERY THING ABOUT YOU" tirade while the persecuted one is crying and flinging herself on the floor/couch/bed and sobbing dramatically?

My daughter the drama major would put on quite a performance when she felt she was being treated unfairly. Once, with her hand on her brow, her head flung back for effect and a look of pure agony on her face she bespoke the immortal phrase "I grow weary of this torment, I don't know.....how...much...longer...I...can...take...it".

All this because I had reminded her for the 3rd time that she needed to finish her homework and her chores. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.

I answered, with as much Shakesperan effort as I could manage, "Yeah verily, though this torment be unending and relentless in its nature, I am bound by the Holy bonds of parenthood to continue to inflict it until its seeds of wisdom can find their purchase in the barren wasteland that is your mind. Oh persecuted one, please... do... not...hate me, for I do this out of love and am honorbound to see it come to fruition."

She fixed me with a blank stare and said "you know, sometimes I hate you, I really, really hate you"

She had been outdramaed and she knew it.

[Spritle]

DDG, you are a good parent. Hell, you should give lessons to others. Write a parent self-help book!

mermaid, my nephew turns on the histrionics, especially when he's trying to get his older brother in trouble. Example. Older brother (Mike) accidentally bumps younger (Todd). Nay, grazes is more apt.

Todd (falling on floor, clutching shin and adopting cry/whine in voice): Miiiiiiiiiiike, ow,ow,ow,ooooow,ooooowowwwwww.

Me (adopting flippant tone): And the nominees for best portrayal of a victim in a short work of fiction are...

At this point, he knows that I know the full score.
Of course, it helps that I'm one cynical/sarcastic bastard.

[tiny ham]

Five Points:

Originally posted by The Mermaid

"I HATE YOU, I REALLY HATE YOU AND I HATE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE AND I HATE EVERY THING ABOUT YOU" tirade while the persecuted one is crying and flinging herself on the floor/couch/bed and sobbing dramatically?

Whenever my sister or I did this, my dad would stand back...hold his arms out and dramatically shout..."LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE!" as if announcing a news bulletin. We would get SOOOOOO Pissed and he and my mom would just laugh and laugh. They were good....oooooo they were good.

Secondly, I read a great, funny story about parenting and dealing with kids who say "I hate you." They said the best come back EVER for that, is to just look at them and say, "That's ok, because I still love you." This makes toddlers particularly angry, I hear...and everyone loves a duped toddler.

Three...Hi Opal

Four...DUCK DUCK...this is obviously just another manifestation of that cruel, abusive personality you have...you know picking on everyone on the board, abusing newbies and whatnot

Five...The other day my HUSBAND got up, whining that he didn't feel like going to work, we'd had rehearsal the night before and...well, tipped back a few oat sodas...and he just didn't want to get up. I actually recoiled in horror as my twenty eight year old, childless mouth said..."You'll Feel Better If You Get Up And Move Around...LAYING AROUND ALL DAY WON'T MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER." It was shocking.

jarbaby

[Ethilrist]

Originally posted by Duck Duck Goose
...hey, at least I spread some of the misery around.

"Shared misery is lessened, shared joy is increased." -- Spider Robinson

... or something like that.

[FairyChatMom]

Dear Mean Mommy -
WAY TO GO!!! My teen isn't driving on her own yet, but we've been dangling the loss-of-car-keys threat from the moment she realized what independence mobility would provide. I believe your invocation was most appropriate and well-timed. You have earned yet another gold star in the crown that is Motherhood...

You're my new hero!

<taking notes for future reference>

[Fenris]

A) DDG: You did the right thing. Period. Hard as it was, she'll thank you for it in years to come. And, even though I never do this {{{{DDG}}}} because that couldn't have been fun.

B) At least TCWWA was bright enough not to do the following routine:
Some random Punk Kid (not ANYONE I'd admit to having been) "Oh yeah? How are you make me? I'll just ditch, y'know."

Dad (showing restraint far above the call of duty): "Well, know that I know you can't be trusted, I guess I'll take the day off and go to school with you. It'll be interesting to sit in on all those classes."

Punk Kid (Horrified): NO! You can't!!! Pleeeease! I'll do anything!

Dad (relenting a bit): Well, I don't appreciate being threatened. But, I'll tell you what. You get a note from EVERY teacher today, stating that you were in each class, and I'll let it go. But if I don't get that note, I'm going to school with you as long as necessary to see that you can be trusted.

Punk Kid (pathetically grateful): THANK you! THANK you! I'll get the note!

Note: Anyone who assumes that I was that punk kid...erm...I maintain that there is a shield of plausible deniabilty here.

Fenris

[lno]

I really could have used a Mean Mommy in college. And maybe a Mean Mommy to hold the checkbook nowadays, too, so I quit spending money I shouldn't.

It's not that I have no self-control over finances, it's just that little things pile up. Spending $5 feels like nothing to be, but spending $10 is something I'm hesitant to do. So, I'll just blow $5 on a fast-food lunch every day without a second thought, even though I could feed myself for pennies if I paused to think about it.

Duck Duck Goose, will you be my honorary mom?

[Geobabe]

You done good, Mean Mommy. The sooner The Cat learns the lesson that she is in control of her own decisions and the consequences of those decisions, the better prepared she will be for the real world.

[Fletch]

You are not a mean mommy, you love your child so much that you care about their character development. Your daughter may be crying now, but someday she will be in the same position you were this morning, and she too will support her child by requiring them to take the licks and learn from them.

[Clucky]

New Daddy here, taking lots of notes. I especially enjoyed hearing of Fenris' father's threat. I wonder if you could have called his bluff, though?

[Fenris]

Originally posted by Clucky
New Daddy here, taking lots of notes. I especially enjoyed hearing of Fenris' father's threat. I wonder if you could have called his bluff, though?

Nope. He was self-employed. And would have done it, too.

<mock indignation>
But what makes you think the punk kid was me? I admit to nothing.
</mock indignation>


Fenris

[InternetLegend]

DDG, all of us in the Mean Moms (For Your Own Good) Club salute you! You did the right thing and carried on a fine tradition.

Two weeks ago, I had to send a child to school bearing a science fair project that had obviously been thrown together at the last minute without parental help. I'd spent the previous week periodically saying things like, "If you want me to get you any materials at the store, you'll have to tell me by Tuesday" and "How is that project coming along?" only to be answered by airy reassurances that she had it under control. It took all the strength I had not to run out to the store for the things she needed the night before it was due, and not to "help" finish it after I made her go to bed at the regular time.

From making them tie their own shoes when you know you could do it faster yourself to declining to bail them out when they get into financial trouble in college, some of the most loving parental acts are the hardest to do. We just have to have faith that they'll realize someday how much love went into that meanness.

[MissBHaven]

DDG, you have once again proven why you are one of my favorite moms around!

[BoBettie]

DDG,
All I can add is that I am 30 years old, and I still wish that I had a mother who cared enough about my character and self-worth to not let me get away with the kind of thing you prevented today. Congratulations on doing the right thing for your daughter and teaching her responsibility. It's very easy to stick your head in the sand and let things slide, and I respect your willingness to do the right thing by your daughter. That, above all, shows how much you love her.

Zette

[Guinastasia]

DDG-have you been reading that Taking Children Seriously website? You are NOT a mean mommy! You did your job!

My mother would've laughed at me had I pulled that stunt. YOU are so much like my own mom, it kills me.

I know I'm going to be the MEANEST mother alive if I ever have kids.

[rocking chair]

goodness, duck, duck, goose, i wish more people in my office had mum's like you. out of an office of appox. 200 people there is only one person who consistantly gets things done by thier deadline, or in his case well before. i know this man has NO idea how loved he is by the support staff. all future co-workers of the cat who walks alone are grateful to you. thank you for standing firm.

[phouka]

DDG, the technicians from the lab will be by shortly to collect a tissue sample. We will be cloning from your genome as soon as the technology is perfected.

[The Mermaid]

{{{{{{{Duck Duck Goose}}}}}

The baddest mother on the whole SDMB.

[matt_mcl]

DDG, you're not mean.

I know whereof I speak.

My father was mean.

You're not my father.

That was a compliment.

[Dark Lord Davidson]

Ya know what's a really good way to get your car privileges revoked? In the middle of a summer night, go outside and grab a garden hose. Take off the spray-handle and insert end into father's pickup truck. Turn water on full blast, then go to sleep with a smile on your face. "Revenge is sweet", you think.


Then YOUR car grows wings and flies away.














Not that I did that, or anything....

[evilbeth]

Duck, I second what Holden said, write a book, please! It will save me from having to print off all of your pearls of parental wisdom and filing them away at home for when I have kids! Seriously, I cannot tell you how much I admire your parenting skills--I want to be just like you when I grow up!

[blur]

Last weekend I had to tell my 5 year-old that she couldn't
go to a birthday party. It was her first party since she
started school and she was all dressed up ready to go, and
she had an "accident". I put it in quotes because this
is a problem. She was playing and didn't want to go into
the bathroom. We changed her and told her if it happened
again, she wasn't going. Not 5 minutes later, it happened
again, and she admitted she just didn't want to stop playing
with her toys. So we told her she couldn't go to the party,
and had to stay in her room. She was upset, to say the
least, but its what had to be done. At least thats what
I tell myself. I feel bad about taking what should have
been a milestone for her and having to use it for a lesson.
I know I did the right thing, but sometimes it still doesn't
feel good. DDG, you did the right thing too.

[Shadowfox]

I also had to be the Mean Mommy today to my daughter; not because I was making her go to school, but because I was making her stay home from school today. She has been running fevers all weekend and has had a pretty nasty cough. The fever broke Sunday afternoon, but she was up most of the night coughing, so I decided to keep her home today so she could try and get some rest. My daughter had a screaming fit about this. She wanted to go to school really bad, but her bad old mommy was making her stay home. My daughter is affectionately referred to as "The Drama Queen". You so much as look at her wrong, and she screeches like somebody is beating her with a baseball bat. This is also the daughter who acts up at the store and then screams at top volume "MOMMY, DON'T BEAT ME!!!" when I tell her to stop misbehaving. I can only imagine what the neighbors must think, considering how loudly she screams at even the tiniest thing.

BTW, when I was a teenager and I would refuse to go to school, my mother would say "okay, fine, stay home. I need somebody to scrub out the garbage pails and the toilet today anyway". My mother would put me to work, making me clean the house top to bottom. I only pulled that trick a couple of times before I learned that it was easier to simply go to school.

[hedra]

A friend of mine (who had kids before we did) told me that I might as well just start with admitting to the 'mean mommy' thing from the first trial of toddlerhood. When I do something I know my son doesn't like (a lot), I calmly admit to being the meanest mommy in the world. It makes me feel better if I say it first. And eventually, they realize that it isn't true, even if they wish they could make the term stick. There's so much that is meaner than what you did! (or what I do...)

***

(the following happened after I made the mistake of actually buying a package of gummy bears at the grocery store...)

Gabe: I want gummy bears! (says the 3-yr-old at 6:30 in the morning)

Mean Mommy: Nope, sorry. No gummy bears for breakfast. You can have muffins, or cereal.

G: I WANT GUMMY BEARS FOR BREFFAST!

MM: First, no gummy bears for breakfast. Second, you didn't say please. Third, even if you say please, gummy bears are still not for breakfast. And fourth, you didn't use a nice voice. You can have some after lunch if you eat a good lunch, but you cannot have any for breakfast.

G: (extra cute routine) But I wike gummy bears for breakfast. PWEESE!??? (blink blink, smile sweetly)

MM: Thanks for asking so nicely, but sorry, too bad, gummy bears are still not for breakfast. Cereal, muffins - or, hey, yogurt, if you want?

G: (crying and angry faces, stubbornly saying nothing)

MM: (half to myself) Yep, I'm the meanest mommy in the world, not letting you have gummy bears for breakfast. Cereal, muffins, or yogurt?

G: I don't WANT you to be a mean mommy! (stomp) I don't WIKE mean mommies. (scowl)

MM: (sadly, but understandingly) Oh, that's too bad. Cereal, muffins, or yogurt?

G: (starting to realize he's going to lose) Don't say that. That's BAD. Don't say 'too bad' I don't wike it! (desperately) I want gummy bears!

MM: Cereal, muffins, or yogurt.

G: (pause... sniffle) ... (subdued) Cereal, pwease. (perking up) Mommy cereal - fwosted fwakes!

***

I also make him brush his teeth, at least TRY to limit the number of time-wasters before bed, and enforce other horrible rules like holding hands when crossing the street. Meanie.

And my mom made me go to school when I was sick with terror because of not having done my homework (second grade; I'd told her I didn't have any, because I wanted to play). I wish she had explained it half so well as you did (I didn't need it to get the grades, I needed it to learn how to follow through and be responsible for assigned tasks even if I didn't like them). I wish she had kept browbeating me about it, too - I simply declined to do most homework from second grade on through high school. (afterall, I could wing it and still get decent grades...) It took me getting a set of mid-term D's in college to get with the program. Even scarier, then. And harder to learn. I'm still working on that one.

I don't think you've won Mean Mommy of the Year, yet. Keep trying, you might get a shot at one of the 10 runner-up slots, though! (My friend from the first paragraph says she has won it a few years running, according to her kids...)

[hedra]

Shadowfox - I tried the humiliating my mom in public thing once (throwing a fit of some sort, I don't remember). When we got home, my mom walked into the living room and threw a screaming, lying down, foaming at the mouth kiniption fit (however you spell that...). She got down on the floor and out-tantrumed me. She then threatened to do that in public if I ever tried it again, and BOY did she look like she meant it. It worked. I was so horrified that she would actually do that and people would think my mother was insane ... I'd have been horrified, humiliated, mortified... I was on my best behavior for years after that. Literally.

Don't know if that card would work for you, but might be worth a shot? Ignoring me worked on dramatic moments, too.

[Caesar0211]

My mom has a great philosophy in that matter that I am planning on using on my kids in this situation. Since I'm a PK and my mom is a preachers wife, we dont lie...yes, you might not believe it, but we dont lie. anyways, Mom doesnt feel comfortable to write a note saying "Josh diddnt feel well yesterday" when I diddnt. Mom did say though that it is possible to be so stressed that you dont feel well. Instances like that I can stay home for a "mental health day"
Personally though, I think that if your daughter spent two hours just hanging out, thats not acceptable. I'm 16 myself, and have gone to church all my life, been in Drama since 7th grade and know about the youth group situation. yes, she should have asked someone else to do the snacks, snuck out a little early (heck, red_dragon60 and I have a Monty Python skit/play comming up here this week, I know what I'm talking about ). Going to church still is a good Idea, but Its all a matter of prioritys. but, as I said, I'm only 16. what do I know?

[Duck Duck Goose]

Thank you to everybody for being so nice and supportive in this thread (now that the crisis is over).

Update: When she got home from school, I said, "Well?"

"Well what?" Blank look.
"What happened?"
"What happened what?" It's more important for her to check her e-mail than to talk to her mom.
"What happened with the chemistry thing?"
"Oh, that." [implication of ancient history]
"Well?"
"Well..." and there followed about a paragraph of mumbling, from which I extracted the information (I think) that the teacher didn't collect the one assignment, and as for the other, The Cat had, sort of, punted, or something, mumble mumble mumble...

I tactfully did not pursue the matter.

So, we all survived. Thank you all for your participation.