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  #1  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:24 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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My Ex has my daughter and won't let me see her!!!

OK, so here is my issue and I will try to keep it short and sweet:

My daughter is 15, she lives with me through the week and goes to see her dad every other weekend. It has been like this for 8 years, but our custody shows my ex as primary custodian and me as secondary (though we have never adhered to court papers). Two years ago, my step son touched my daughter inappropriately (they are the same age). So, once I found out, I made great lengths to take care of it (my step son entered therapy, my daughter already goes, I quit my full time job to have a flex schedule to be home when she is here. I can't very well get rid of my step son, I have had him since he was 2, he is my kid too. So I do all of this, and with the blessing of my case worker (yes my daughter told someone at school who told the counselor who told Children Services), my daughter decides she does not want her dad to know because she doesn't want to make a big deal of it any more than she has to. I go ahead and do what she asks because I believe that it is her decision and it is less emotional stress for her. Two years go by and everything is great.....until my ex finds out. He comes to my house, took my 15 year old out of here, blocked my number from her phone and blocked me from her FaceBook. I learned that he sent her somewhere for a rape kit (OMG), he has enrolled her in school in the county she is in (she is still enrolled here in my county), and I think he must want to punish me and my step son, but there is nothing he can do, I don't think.

So what in the heck do I do now? Lawyer up? Is she old enough to choose? Go kick his a$$ (mine and my husband's choice).

Did I make the right choice two years ago?

If I messed up some words, sorry cause I am distraught.

Last edited by TKOCC; 04-11-2011 at 07:25 PM..
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  #2  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:30 PM
MPB in Salt Lake MPB in Salt Lake is offline
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Assuming that this is all true, your ex took his 15 year old daughter to a hospital and told them that she was sexually abused over 2 YEARS AGO and they agreed to perform a rape kit procedure on her?!?

Something is off with this story, way, way off....
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  #3  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:33 PM
Ferret Herder Ferret Herder is offline
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Consult a lawyer.
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:34 PM
kaylasdad99 kaylasdad99 is offline
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Yup. Lawyer up. You've got a court-approved arrangement that (presumably) does not allow him to prevent you from having any contact with your daughter. If your ex wants to change that to one that does [allow him to do that], make him get it through the court.

Possibly the best you'll be able to get is a situation that requires you to adhere to the arrangement as written, but (still presuming here) that's got to be better than letting him decide unilaterally to terminate your parental rights.

Good luck.

Last edited by kaylasdad99; 04-11-2011 at 07:37 PM..
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  #5  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:37 PM
kaylasdad99 kaylasdad99 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPB in Salt Lake View Post
Assuming that this is all true, your ex took his 15 year old daughter to a hospital and told them that she was sexually abused over 2 YEARS AGO and they agreed to perform a rape kit procedure on her?!?

Something is off with this story, way, way off....
It's plausible that he does not accept at face value anything the OP tells him about their daughter not having been touched inappropriately more recently.
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  #6  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:40 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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Originally Posted by MPB in Salt Lake View Post
Assuming that this is all true, your ex took his 15 year old daughter to a hospital and told them that she was sexually abused over 2 YEARS AGO and they agreed to perform a rape kit procedure on her?!?

Something is off with this story, way, way off....
I don't know if they performed anything or not, I am getting dis-jointed and fragmented information because HE won't talk to me and she can't.
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  #7  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:45 PM
Winnipeg Winnipeg is online now
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Quit simply he should have been told at the time.

He was the primary court appointed carer for your daughter.

After he was betrayed by your lying by omition, now he feels he cant trust you, and quite rightly so.

Last edited by Winnipeg; 04-11-2011 at 07:50 PM..
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  #8  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:46 PM
ZPG Zealot ZPG Zealot is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPB in Salt Lake View Post
Assuming that this is all true, your ex took his 15 year old daughter to a hospital and told them that she was sexually abused over 2 YEARS AGO and they agreed to perform a rape kit procedure on her?!?

Something is off with this story, way, way off....
More likely the ex left off the 2 YEARS AGO part and simply told them, "M daughter has been sexually abused." Unless the 15 year old very forcefully refused to go through with a rape kit at that time, they will usually perform it under those circumstances.

My advice to the mother get a lawyer ASAP and gather as many documents as possible to support your side of the story.
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  #9  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:51 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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Originally Posted by Winnipeg View Post
Quit simply he should have been told at the time.

He was the primary court appointed carer for your daughter.

After he was betrayed by your lying by omition, he cant trust you, and quite rightly so.
I guess that you didn't read the part where I have been the primary care giver for over 8 years now. I think he lost that "primary" title long ago. I don't care if he trusts me or not, it is what my daughter wanted and I agreed to in order to lessen her stress.
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:55 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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Let me be clear, my step son touched my daughter, there was no intercourse. No rape kits were done two years ago and the case workers and law officials that met with both my daughter and step son both closed the case because they were both minors and I had the home secured.
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  #11  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:55 PM
Winnipeg Winnipeg is online now
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Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
I guess that you didn't read the part where I have been the primary care giver for over 8 years now. I think he lost that "primary" title long ago. I don't care if he trusts me or not, it is what my daughter wanted and I agreed to in order to lessen her stress.
No you said the court appointed him as the primary custodian, he let you, for reasons of his own, assume that role, when he discovered you had abused the role, he took measures to correct that mistake.
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  #12  
Old 04-11-2011, 07:59 PM
Flutterby Flutterby is offline
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Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
I guess that you didn't read the part where I have been the primary care giver for over 8 years now. I think he lost that "primary" title long ago. I don't care if he trusts me or not, it is what my daughter wanted and I agreed to in order to lessen her stress.
You may have been the primary caregiver, but you never got that changed, so in the courts eyes HE is still primary no matter who has been primary in actuality. I'd say you need a lawyer.
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  #13  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:03 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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Originally Posted by Winnipeg View Post
No you said the court appointed him as the primary custodian, he let you, for reasons of his own, assume that role, when he discovered you had abused the role, he took measures to correct that mistake.
At no time in my statements above did I state the court appointed anything.
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  #14  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:05 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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I am thinking that at her age, 15 almost 16, in my state they are allowed to chose with whom they live. I will visit the lawyer to confirm and get that ball rolling. I just hate that she is missing her school and activities here that she loves!
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  #15  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:05 PM
Winnipeg Winnipeg is online now
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Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
At no time in my statements above did I state the court appointed anything.

What did you mean by:-


"but our custody shows my ex as primary custodian and me as secondary (though we have never adhered to court papers"


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  #16  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:07 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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Originally Posted by Winnipeg View Post
What did you mean by:-


"but our custody shows my ex as primary custodian and me as secondary (though we have never adhered to court papers"


The court did not appoint that, my ex and I drew those papers out and agreed to them in mediation. I have primary over our son.
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  #17  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:10 PM
Winnipeg Winnipeg is online now
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The court did not appoint that, my ex and I drew those papers out and agreed to them in mediation. I have primary over our son.
OK that makes a difference, disregard my comments.......
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  #18  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:14 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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No problem Winnipeg.

Thanks for being my sounding board.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:15 PM
not what you'd expect not what you'd expect is offline
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How did he find out about it? I think that might be important.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:17 PM
Flutterby Flutterby is offline
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But isn't it still legally binding? Isn't mediation done in the hopes that people don't go to court, and what is agreed upon there becomes the legal document filed with the courts instead of going before a judge and arguing and having them decide? Or am I off base with that?
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  #21  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:20 PM
bengangmo bengangmo is offline
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Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
I guess that you didn't read the part where I have been the primary care giver for over 8 years now. I think he lost that "primary" title long ago. I don't care if he trusts me or not, it is what my daughter wanted and I agreed to in order to lessen her stress.
Sorry, but I think you screwed up.

He should have been told. If I was in his situation and found out that someone in my exwife's house had "inappropriately touched" my daughter, andd it had been hidden from me, I would be FUMING.
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  #22  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:24 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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Oh to the heart of the matter.....my son, the one I have custody of (he is 18 now), went on a rampage and decided the best way to make problems for my step son was to tell my ex about my daughter. He was totally vindictive and had no thought what so ever about my daughter, she was begging him to let it go. I told you, two years we have had no problems or issues, and them my son gets a wild hair and lets loose on us.
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  #23  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:26 PM
bengangmo bengangmo is offline
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Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
Let me be clear, my step son touched my daughter, there was no intercourse. No rape kits were done two years ago and the case workers and law officials that met with both my daughter and step son both closed the case because they were both minors and I had the home secured.
Err....again, speaking as a father of "my princess" - what exactly does that mean?

This isn't something I would easily accept.

Reading your OP it sounds like there was an element of force involved - I wouldn't be happy that that has gone away, and I wouldn't accept ANY situation of the house being "secured" short of the boy not being there anymore.

The exception would have been if I had been involved in the decision making from the start. Otherwise it just feels like you are trying to hide and keep things from me - which makes the incident look worse than it was.
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  #24  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:26 PM
handsomeharry handsomeharry is offline
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If you went through mediation it is still legally binding, isn't it?

At any rate, you should leave well enough alone.
I think that you should be thankful that the step son hasn't had his ass stomped into the ground by dad (hers, not his). Your daughter was sexually assaulted, and is still living in the house with her assailant. This is unreal. You should be slipping her dad some extra cash and thanking him on an hourly basis for taking your daughter out of that house.
You need to find a new therapist for your daughter, and you need a new Case Worker that isn't as mad as a hatter.
I'm sorry you're in a bad spot, but, the girl is in a place 20 times better than she was before dad took her.

Best wishes,
hh

Last edited by handsomeharry; 04-11-2011 at 08:28 PM..
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  #25  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:27 PM
Winnipeg Winnipeg is online now
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I think it comes down to:-

1) is he an arse who is just being difficult because he can be.

= lawyer up

2) he really cares, and feels you have handled it badly.

Meet, Talk, maybe with a 3rd party to mediate.

3) somewhere in between.

see 2
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  #26  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:31 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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Originally Posted by bengangmo View Post
Sorry, but I think you screwed up.

He should have been told. If I was in his situation and found out that someone in my exwife's house had "inappropriately touched" my daughter, andd it had been hidden from me, I would be FUMING.
I would have been pissed about someone not telling me too....but I am telling you, whether I was right or wrong, when I looked at my daughters face and she was begging me not to tell her dad I wasn't thinking "hmmmm....will it hurt his feelings or not?" I was thinking what can I do that SHE wants. What can I do to make HER feel better. At that moment in time it was all about HER and not her dad or I. I also mentioned that I talked it through with her therapist as well and decided that I would keep my promise.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:38 PM
bengangmo bengangmo is offline
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Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
I would have been pissed about someone not telling me too....but I am telling you, whether I was right or wrong, when I looked at my daughters face and she was begging me not to tell her dad I wasn't thinking "hmmmm....will it hurt his feelings or not?" I was thinking what can I do that SHE wants. What can I do to make HER feel better. At that moment in time it was all about HER and not her dad or I. I also mentioned that I talked it through with her therapist as well and decided that I would keep my promise.
Yeah, but she was a minor. he is her father. On what planet shouldn't he be told?

Unless of course he has some sort of history or asshattery that makes it impractical to tell him.

I think you first step should be to apologise most profusely to him that he wasn't told, and explain your reasoning.

At the moment, I am kinda assuming that dad heard "sexual assault" paired that with "the boy is still living in the same house" and with little other information freaked the fuck out. And quite rightly. You have a hell of a lot of convincing to do as to why this is ok.

Secondly, it sounds like you know what school she is going to? Why not contact them and see if you can find out how she is doing?
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  #28  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:40 PM
PunditLisa PunditLisa is offline
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She must have told him because how else did he find out? As others have said, hospitals won't perform a rape kit based on a fondling done 2 years ago. You may be the one in the dark here.

Does your daughter have a cell phone? Can you try and text her?
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  #29  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:43 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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My ex is really not a bad guy, he is just answers to situations in extreme measures. I was not hiding anything from him. I would have called him on the spot if my daughter had let me. He has always had my back with helping and issues with the kids.

What to do, get rid of one of my kids? I am responsible for two children here in the in the home, one I gave birth to and one that I am the only mother to. Thats like telling an adopted child to get the "F" out. I decided that I was not going to give up on either one of my kids. Therapy helped and because they were 12 when it happened, the law views it differently.

I can safely end this thread conversation with the feeling that I have done the best I could.
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Old 04-11-2011, 08:54 PM
Guinastasia Guinastasia is online now
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Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
What to do, get rid of one of my kids? I am responsible for two children here in the in the home, one I gave birth to and one that I am the only mother to. Thats like telling an adopted child to get the "F" out. I decided that I was not going to give up on either one of my kids. Therapy helped and because they were 12 when it happened, the law views it differently.
Why couldn't have gone to stay with her father, in the first place? Rather than stay with her abuser. You didn't have to kick your step-son out, but you did have the option of getting your daughter out of there.

Last edited by Guinastasia; 04-11-2011 at 08:55 PM..
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  #31  
Old 04-11-2011, 08:57 PM
bengangmo bengangmo is offline
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Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
My ex is really not a bad guy, he is just answers to situations in extreme measures. I was not hiding anything from him. I would have called him on the spot if my daughter had let me. He has always had my back with helping and issues with the kids.

What to do, get rid of one of my kids? I am responsible for two children here in the in the home, one I gave birth to and one that I am the only mother to. Thats like telling an adopted child to get the "F" out. I decided that I was not going to give up on either one of my kids. Therapy helped and because they were 12 when it happened, the law views it differently.

I can safely end this thread conversation with the feeling that I have done the best I could.
This sort of comment upsets me.

You weren't hiding anything from him? Well not much, just that his 12 year old had been assaulted. Small matter that. Nothing to worry about right?

And secondly, your 12 year old wouldn't let you? Who's the adult here?

It seems that until you stop with this, things won't go far with your ex. Until you can genuinely admit to him that yes he should have been told, and that yes, I was keeping it from you (for genuine reasons though) I don't think you will get very far.

I don't mean this as a pile on type of thing where you are slammed. But do try and see it from his point of view.

Imagaine a father comes in here and said "hey guys, I just found out that my daughter was molested. The mother is keeping it from me, and her assailant is still living in the same house" What sort of advice do you think he would be given?

Do you think he is acting pretty much in line with the sort of advice he would be given? Except perhaps he should be more communicativee to you. I would be willing to be that the first thing the dope would say is "get her the fuck outta that situation". Which is what he has done.

I think that until you stop with the thoughts of "I did the right thing" and "it was ok not to tell him" I really don't see any reason why he would even want to talk to you. Why should he? Just to hear why it is ok that a sexual assailant is still living in the house with his daughter? It is a weird situation - he needs to be convinced and comfortable with the steps that you have taken.

And all of this is on the assumption that nothing further has happened that you don't (yet) know about. If something else has happened, what makes you so sure that
a) you would know
and
b) if your ex knows about a more recent incident - why would he want to tell you? After all, you hid the first instance, sweeping it under the carpet (from his point of view), making you look pretty complicit in the assault (again from his point of view)
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  #32  
Old 04-11-2011, 09:21 PM
TKOCC TKOCC is offline
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[QUOTE=bengangmo;13676958]This sort of comment upsets me.

You weren't hiding anything from him? Well not much, just that his 12 year old had been assaulted. Small matter that. Nothing to worry about right?

Let me just clue you in that the "inappropriate touch" was my then twelve year old step son ran his hands across my daughters chest. I cannot and will not think under any terms that 12 year old boy was or is a sexual assailant.


And secondly, your 12 year old wouldn't let you? Who's the adult here?

What would I have gained telling him at that time? She was already distraught enough and telling him would have caused even more problems (in case you forgot, he totally took her out of the school and away from friends she has been with for almost 9 years now, there is no calling the school to find out how she is. That is the kind of ASSHATTY thing he would have done and IS DOING now). What do you think is worse for a teenager?

I AM the adult , and be that as it may, this is the humble opinion section and well, you are entitled to yours. By the way, are you sure this isn't my ex? You guys sure sound alike.

Last edited by TKOCC; 04-11-2011 at 09:23 PM..
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  #33  
Old 04-11-2011, 09:37 PM
bengangmo bengangmo is offline
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[QUOTE=TKOCC;13677042]
Quote:
Originally Posted by bengangmo View Post
This sort of comment upsets me.

You weren't hiding anything from him? Well not much, just that his 12 year old had been assaulted. Small matter that. Nothing to worry about right?

Let me just clue you in that the "inappropriate touch" was my then twelve year old step son ran his hands across my daughters chest. I cannot and will not think under any terms that 12 year old boy was or is a sexual assailant.


And secondly, your 12 year old wouldn't let you? Who's the adult here?

What would I have gained telling him at that time? She was already distraught enough and telling him would have caused even more problems (in case you forgot, he totally took her out of the school and away from friends she has been with for almost 9 years now, there is no calling the school to find out how she is. That is the kind of ASSHATTY thing he would have done and IS DOING now). What do you think is worse for a teenager?

ETA - I sure hope I don't sound like him - I don't have one of dem funny 'Merkin acccents

I AM the adult , and be that as it may, this is the humble opinion section and well, you are entitled to yours. By the way, are you sure this isn't my ex? You guys sure sound alike.
Yet the incident was a big enough deal for you to change your employment, for cousellors to be sought and for there to be a case worker.

I kinda suspected that what happened was of the scale you are talking - and for what it's worth, if that's all that happened I don't think it's a big deal - infact I probably wouldn't even do much about it personally.

HOWEVER, if it really wasn't that big a deal, all the more you should have told the father. I think it's the whole "he wasn't told" thing that has probably blown this out of all proportion.

For me, if I had been told, along with the steps you have taken, I would most likely be "meh, and?" but if I found out through other means, then my imagination would run rampant - which is going to result in the sort of situation you now have.

He is involved enough in her life to have alternate weekends, and the custody papers list him as the primary. Something of this magnitude he should have been told. The more you try to say "I did the right thing" and "He should not have been told" the more it starts to sound like there is more that he should know about. That you also haven't shared.

Last edited by bengangmo; 04-11-2011 at 09:39 PM..
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  #34  
Old 04-11-2011, 09:47 PM
not what you'd expect not what you'd expect is offline
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I understand why you made the choice to do as your daughter asked you to do. But I also can understand why your ex is probably feeling betrayed and angry or worried or whatever.
I think your only hope is to try to have a reasonable conversation with your ex. He needs to know exactly what happened, the steps you took to insure that it would never happen again and why you made the decision to keep it from him in the first place. Perhaps your daughter can be part of the conversation and explain why SHE didn't want him to know. Maybe she knew he would not be ok with her remaining in the house with your stepson or maybe it was embarrassment on her part, but perhaps hearing it from her will help him to have a better understanding.
I hope he will be open to a conversation. It may not lead to you regaining full custody, but I would hope that at least you can have some contact with your child. Good Luck.
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  #35  
Old 04-11-2011, 09:49 PM
MPB in Salt Lake MPB in Salt Lake is offline
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Maybe it's just me, but I can't conceive of ANY 15 year-old girl (young woman, actually) allowing herself to be subjected to a pelvic exam (with her father in the waiting room down the hall) because her little brother once grabbed at her tits over two years ago.

Something stinks here, a dank, rotting smell like something wafting out from under a bridge.....

Last edited by MPB in Salt Lake; 04-11-2011 at 09:50 PM..
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  #36  
Old 04-11-2011, 09:54 PM
Diogenes the Cynic Diogenes the Cynic is offline
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I agree there's something really weird about that. The father is being paranoid and controlling to the point of being suspicious. I concur that you have to get a lawyer.
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  #37  
Old 04-11-2011, 10:04 PM
Guinastasia Guinastasia is online now
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I agree there's something really weird about that. The father is being paranoid and controlling to the point of being suspicious. I concur that you have to get a lawyer.
Or something happened recently that the girl didn't tell her mother. I doubt any hospital would voluntarily do a rape kit for groping that happened years ago.
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  #38  
Old 04-11-2011, 10:11 PM
GrandWino GrandWino is offline
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Just because you are no longer married, it doesn't mean he stops bing her father. You had an obligation, not only as a co-parent - but as a human being - to tell the parent of a minor child that this has happened. Your description of the event reeks of "blame the victim" mentality and a defensive, clouded judgement regarding your son.

One big question I have: Why was your daughter so afraid of her father finding out? If it was embarrassment/guilt/fear of being blamed for what happened (which is totally understandable and even expected), then don't you think that keeping it a secret only validates your daughters feelings of guilt and possibly caused more damage than if you'd treated it it like it was only him "running his hands down her chest" and not that big a deal.
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  #39  
Old 04-11-2011, 10:12 PM
bengangmo bengangmo is offline
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Or something happened recently that the girl didn't tell her mother. I doubt any hospital would voluntarily do a rape kit for groping that happened years ago.
yeah, but to be fair
1. We don't know what the father told the hospital
2. We don't know where the kit was done and how ethical they are - I guess it's entirely a possibility that their attitude was "well, he wants it, and is willing to pay so why not?"
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  #40  
Old 04-11-2011, 10:29 PM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is online now
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Without knowing any details beyond what's been posted in this thread, I still feel the father may have a case here. He's just found out that his daughter was sexually abused, that you knew about it and concealed it from him, and that you had the daughter still living in the same household with her abuser. You can say everything has been handled but I can see where he has cause to question what you're saying.

I'm not saying the father is right and you're wrong but it definitely is not a situation where I'd say he's wrong and you're right.
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  #41  
Old 04-12-2011, 09:22 AM
minlokwat minlokwat is offline
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I’m not one to join in on pile-ons but TKOCC, you and your family seem to specialize in wildly inappropriate over-reactions.

You: 13 year-old stepson runs hands across daughter’s chest. Your response? Thereapy for the boy, ongoing therapy for girl, you quit your full-time job to ensure that another such travesty never reoccurs.

Your son: In an effort to get back at you, informs the father about a two-year old incident probably knowing full well that this could create a familial shit-storm. It works!

Father: Removes daughter from school, blocks phone, computer etc., denies you visitation and has a rape kit (!!!) performed.

I mean can you step back from the situation and realize this is some kind of f’ed up?

Despite that, no offense and all. Hope things work out for everyone but you have to acknowledge you, your family and the peculiar way you’ve chosen to deal with things had to play a contributing factor in all of this.

Peace.
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  #42  
Old 04-12-2011, 09:37 AM
Anaamika Anaamika is offline
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Do you actually know what the stepson told the dad? He may not have told her he just ran his hands across her chest, but something more akin to "I felt your girl up, what do you think about that?" And so dad goes to the girl, girl breaks down crying out of guilt that she's been found out and never told. Maybe dad assumes that there was more, maybe something like that.

Either way, you should have had a conversation about this with him at the time. He is the girl's dad. I am all for respecting a young girl's feelings, but he should have known, and if he was willing to take custody, yes, she should have gone there. Who are you to decide it's OK for her to live at home with her abuser?

Good luck with everything and I really hope it works out. I really do. But if you step back from the situation you might think everything has worked out for the best now...it might be best if she stays with him.

And are you really, really, really sure he hasn't done anything else?
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  #43  
Old 04-12-2011, 09:42 AM
Flutterby Flutterby is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anaamika View Post
Do you actually know what the stepson told the dad? He may not have told her he just ran his hands across her chest, but something more akin to "I felt your girl up, what do you think about that?" And so dad goes to the girl, girl breaks down crying out of guilt that she's been found out and never told. Maybe dad assumes that there was more, maybe something like that.
If I'm reading right, there are three children involved, not two. The daughter, the stepson who did something and the son who is the daughter's full sibling and told Dad what happened (or a version of it whatever the case may be).
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  #44  
Old 04-12-2011, 10:43 AM
Beadalin Beadalin is offline
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There have to be ways that you can get in contact with your daughter. Call from a different phone number. Set up a new email account. Hell, set up a new Facebook account. Text her from a different phone. Send her a certified letter.

In the meantime, you need a lawyer.
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  #45  
Old 04-12-2011, 10:56 AM
Dogzilla Dogzilla is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TKOCC View Post
I would have called him on the spot if my daughter had let me.
If your daughter had let you?

Who is the parent here, exactly?

Since when does begging not to tell dad = in the best interests of your daughter? Sometimes, parents have to make choices that will hurt their children's precious snowflake feelings in order to best protect them from danger.

P.S. I was that 15-year-old girl once. I was abused by my stepbrother. I am now 41 and I am still white-hot livid enraged at my parents for not doing their goddamn jobs as parents to protect me from a sexual predator. I vividly remember begging and begging one parent not to tell the other. You know what she said to me? She wasn't worried about my precious snowflake feeeeeeelings. She said, "Your dad and I are partners and I will not lie to him about this and I will not keep it from him."

He needed to know, so he could finally do his job of protecting me. I hated her for it at the time, but she did the right thing by worrying less about my precious snowflake feelings and worrying more about informing my father so they could discuss the best ways to take action to make me safe.
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  #46  
Old 04-12-2011, 10:56 AM
purplehorseshoe purplehorseshoe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bengangmo View Post
Yeah, but she was a minor. he is her father. On what planet shouldn't he be told?

Unless of course he has some sort of history or asshattery that makes it impractical to tell him. ..
That does seem to be the case here. She didn't want to talk to him about what happened - her right, really, as I presume any assault victim would attest - and the situation wasn't swept under a rug or anything (counselors, therapy, etc.) Clearly, she didn't want him to know because she knew her father well enough to know that he'd lose his shit no matter how he found out or when he was told.
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  #47  
Old 04-12-2011, 11:01 AM
kayaker kayaker is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beadalin View Post
There have to be ways that you can get in contact with your daughter. Call from a different phone number. Set up a new email account. Hell, set up a new Facebook account. Text her from a different phone. Send her a certified letter.

In the meantime, you need a lawyer.
You are assuming the daughter wants to talk with her mother. Surely she could find a way to contact her mother if she desired contact, unless her father has her chained up.
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  #48  
Old 04-12-2011, 11:04 AM
overlyverbose overlyverbose is offline
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I know you feel it's over the top, but I probably would've removed the girl from your home, too. I wouldn't prevent her from talking to you or seeing you, but I can definitely understand some level of overreaction on the part of the father.

I have a strong visceral reaction to even the thought of one of my kids being harmed. If living with you meant that they also had to live with someone who was willing to touch them inappropriately, even in the past, and who went on a "violent rampage" recently, I don't think I'd want her living there, either, until I could somehow be convinced it was safe.

Think of it from his perspective - you didn't tell him at the time and your daughter was very young. It doesn't matter how old your son was or what your daughter asked you to do - since the father was considered primary custodian, even if it was only on paper, and since he's clearly very much involved in your daughter's life, he should've been told anyway. So now that he's found out about it, he's probably wondering what else you haven't told him.

Just my take. I know how hard it is to see your kids suffer. And I understand the temptation to acceed to their wishes. But (and I know you know this), there are a lot of times you just have to suck it up and do what you know is right, even when your kid disagrees with you. At 12, it's not like she's stupid, but she probably didn't expect the incident to get escalated like it did, and she doesn't understand like you do that sometimes you have to do something you really, really don't feel good doing to do what's right. She doesn't have a big picture idea of what your actions would mean both to her situation and your relationship with her father. If at the time you felt you really wanted to say something, you probably should've.

Now that the damage is done, definitely get a lawyer, if only for an initial consultation.

Last edited by overlyverbose; 04-12-2011 at 11:06 AM..
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  #49  
Old 04-12-2011, 11:04 AM
Marc Xenos Marc Xenos is offline
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I agree with some of the posts that indicate something peculiar about certain aspects of the story, but in a short question, the entire chapter & verse gets extremely long.
Some of the other posts that are accusatory may be understandable, but they're offering opinions based upon incomplete information.

I have to agree with those who say to lawyer up. Regardless of the original court arrangement, there is an important aspect called Custodial Environment, which has been established in your home. While important, it will still be countered by the [acknowledged] sexual situation that has manifested itself, so you will need a competent lawyer to wade through those landmines.

Further, your ex cannot simply modify the arrangement on his own, even for his daughter's protection. He can temporarily keep her from your home, pending his own petition to the court for modification, but he can't arbitrarily decide on his own to make it permanent. Again, you'll need a competent lawyer to push that issue.

And then, regardless of the situation in your home, you cannot be denied all visitation under any pretext, real or imagined, without a specific court order. Even if only supervised or controlled visitation is permitted, as a parent you still have that right. Again, you will need a competent lawyer to keep from having your visitation rights reduced to nearly non-existent.

Bottom line, the ONLY way to resolve this is in court. And it will be messy. Which is why I say you need a COMPETENT lawyer. Because most lawyers just go through the technicalities of legal paperwork, and the client gets buried beneath that. (Any lawyer who tells you, "Here's how it usually works..." and then predicts how lousy your chances are, but if you insist, he'll represent you, tell him to take a walk. He's already apologizing upfront for his failure.)
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  #50  
Old 04-12-2011, 11:10 AM
StGermain StGermain is offline
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Get a lawyer. But be prepared for the fact that the court may feel that residence with her father is the best scenario. On one hand, you're downplaying the whole incident, it's no big deal, etc. On the other, you have had the kids in therapy for over two years, quit your full-time job, etc. Either it is a big deal, in which case you should certainly have told her father, or it wasn't a big deal, in which case you still should've told her father. Just because she asked in the moment doesn't give you the right to withhold from him important information about his daughter.

StG
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