My parents were divorced when I was about 5, and my father didn’t have much to do with the kids after that. We visited him sometimes, but my mom remarried a wonderful man who was the father figure I needed and I spent very little time with my birth dad. Over the years our relationship became worse and he said many hurtful and vicious things to me, and we haven’t spoken for maybe 10 years. He hasn’t met any of my children, nor expressed any desire to do so.
I happen to be on vacation in Northern California, not too far from where he lives, and word came to me that he is dying in a hospital. Should I go? Take my kids to see a dying man they’ve never met? Just continue on my vacation?
I can’t imagine any good will come from visiting. Sounds like you already lost him years ago. Kids don’t really need to see a dying man they don’t know.
Yikes! First: how did word come to you? Are you sure he’s actually dying and not just in the hospital for a time?
Do you feel like being there will be something that you will look back on in the future and have a sense of closure/having done the right thing/the satisfaction that comes with the high road about? If so, go. If not, don’t. My gut tells me not to involve your kids in this in any case.
Compassion for someone’s suffering need not be hampered by past actions or ill feelings.
I’d leave the children out of it entirely, no need for them to know any of the relationship details.
I was estranged from my parents yet visited my Mother 2 days before she died. And I’m glad that I did, and it was way far out of my way.
Why’d I do it, after years of acrimony and sabotage? Because I could. I had already forgiven her and made peace with our estrangement, ages before. My only hope was that it gave her some peace to realize I could still harbour love and compassion for her.
When I thought really hard, about it, I realized if I happened upon an awful accident, I would comfort any dying random stranger with all I could muster, without a second thought. Surely the persons who gave me life, if not good parenting or respect, deserved at least as much.
I really hope you’ll consider visiting him. In the end, though, you have to do what right for you. Good Luck!
The fact that you’d ask suggests to me that you have a desire (no matter how SMALL) to go. So, go. Don’t bring your kids, because I feel it’s wrong to take them to meet him when he’s dieing. It’s better to regret going than to regret not going.
Do you feel like it will help YOU to go and see him? Will you feel guilty or anything once he’s dead that you didn’t go? Because at this point i would only care about myself.
Don’t involve the children; they had nothing to do with it.
I agree with keeping the children out of it. Nothing to do with them, at all.
And, I don’t know how old he is or what his condition is. For example, if he has Alzheimer’s, he might not know who you are anyhow, and a visit would be painful for you and meaningless for him. Assuming that he’s got memory and mind left, then I think the question to ask yourself is really: how will you feel a year from now if you don’t visit him? If the answer is that you won’t ever think about it, one way or another, then don’t bother. If the answer is that you will have regrets, however small, then go.
One additional question I think you might want to answer: Do you know for sure that he wants to see you?
I dunno; he really isn’t anything to you except your birth father; through his own actions, he removed himself from your life. He may not even want you to show up. I certainly wouldn’t expect any movie reconciliation scene if you do decide to go.
I really can’t say what you should do in this situation; what feels right to you, I suppose (without any feelings of obligation or guilt or duty - he hasn’t earned those).
I wouldn’t presume to offer you advice in your situation.
I can tell you I was estranged from my father for the last 18 years of his life. No contact whatsoever.
About 6 months before he died, his brother contacted me to tell me his disease was end stage and it was just a matter of time.
I had made peace years prior with the idea that I would not see him again and his terminal illness did not make me feel any need to re-examine our estrangement.
After the first year or so following our last contact, I did not harbour any ill will toward the man. I did not wish for him to suffer. I had no feelings toward him at all.
I learned of his passing when a friend called to point out his obituary had been published in the local paper.
Surprisingly, to me, I was saddened for his family for a few days. However, I did not, nor do I currently regret not seeing him during his illness.
This is a personal matter for you alone to decide. There is no right or wrong answer.
I’m pleasantly surprised by the responses here. I know through my own experience with parental estrangement and that of my husband that a lot of people will say “you have to see them or you WILL eventually regret it for the rest of your life, if only I could have my dear dead mother back blah de blah blah…” Perhaps the OP is asking because this is what he’s being told.
Go ahead if you’ll get something out of it, even warm fuzzies for being kind. Don’t do it out of guilt or because people insist you’ll regret it, if thay’s completely contrary to what you feel. Absolutely leave the kids out of it. We’re still talking about taking time away from your vacation and your family, which is non-negligible.
I’m going to pile on to the “don’t get the children involved” side of things.
Past that, it seems like you are torn between going and not going to visit your father. I think the best thing to do in this case is to ask yourself what you will say to him. If you can think a thing or two that seem meaningful to say, then I would go if I were you. If you can’t think of anything to say, then don’t. If you can’t think of anything to say, but you wish you could, then go.
Basically, this process is to figure out if you actually want to go or if you feel it’s an obligation. It can be hard to tell between doing something you want to do that might be unpleasant and something that you don’t want to do because it’s unpleasant.
Good luck. Let us know what you decide. And remember (:)), don’t bring your children.
The last time I saw my father was at a family gathering 3 years ago, a few months before he died. We all knew he was terminal. He was 69, but looked 89 all of a sudden. I had avoided speaking to him for most of my life, and I didn’t see any reason to start then. He had never sought to have a personal relationship with me, and since I didn’t find his personality very appealing and still remembered quite a lot of the shitty ways he’d behaved when I was growing up (not abusive or anything, just self-centered jerk), I just didn’t see the point. So I didn’t speak to him that day, or ever again. No regrets.
I say this to counter those who say in these situations that you will definitely regret it if you don’t end the estrangement before imminent death. It’s not always true.
However, it sounds like you feel you may have something to say to the man. That’s your choice. But yes, don’t involve the kids.