Battleship: The Movie

[HenryGale]

I love you guys. Thank you for showing me I'm not just becoming a hopeless curmudgeon. When I first saw this trailer before.. Captain America?... I really felt like it was a Herculean effort not to stand up, chuck my soda at the screen, and scream "what the fuck is wrong with you people?!?" I'm glad it's not just me.

What just occurred to me now is this isn't going to be just a giant steaming dump in the cinema, it's going to be a giant steaming dump on Battleship the board game. You know there's going to be a shiny new Liam Neeson Vs the Aliens version of the game; a game, by the way, that not a soul on this planet actually thinks needs a "re-imagining."

BLLEEAAGH.

[Declan]

So I dont suppose that some chick jumps out of a giant birthday cake at some point.

Declan

[ministryman]

Originally Posted by Alka Seltzer

I know Hollywood worships brand recognition, but that really is beyond parody. What's next, a medical drama based on Operation? African river adventure, Hungry Hungry Hippos?



Not even released yet, and already we have a new contender for dumbest action movie line of all time.

Reminds me of Stripes.

Fire the weapon, soldier!
Coordinates, sir?
Never mind that, just fire the weapon!

[Merijeek]

Originally Posted by Alka Seltzer

I know Hollywood worships brand recognition, but that really is beyond parody. What's next, a medical drama based on Operation? African river adventure, Hungry Hungry Hippos?

Guy: Be careful. That hippo looks hungry. Very hungry. You might even say hungry, hungry.
Other Guy: They're coming this way. Start throwing the emu eggs into the water! Quick!!

-Joe

[Justin_Bailey]

Originally Posted by HenryGale

What just occurred to me now is this isn't going to be just a giant steaming dump in the cinema, it's going to be a giant steaming dump on Battleship the board game. You know there's going to be a shiny new Liam Neeson Vs the Aliens version of the game; a game, by the way, that not a soul on this planet actually thinks needs a "re-imagining."

Battleship the board game has been reimagined so many times over the last 25 years that one more isn't going to matter.

[Merijeek]

Obligatory cracked link: Battleship Novelization Based on the Trailer

-Joe

[kath94]

Originally Posted by Hal Briston

Don't miss the novelization...

Pssst! Merijeek! Check out Hal's post #100.

[Merijeek]

Originally Posted by kath94

Pssst! Merijeek! Check out Hal's post #100.

Look, if I could come up with some clever board game related comment here I would. But I can't think of one, so I'll have to say "pretty sneaky sis" and get on with my day.

-Joe

[ExTank]

Originally Posted by DrFidelius

and zepplins vs pteradactyls.

[Samuel L. Jackson Voice]

And for the love of God, will someone please get me some ninjas?! And some frickin' sharks?! With frickin' laser beams attached to their frickin' heads?!

[/Samuel L. Jackson Voice]

[ExTank]

Originally Posted by Declan

So I dont suppose that some chick jumps out of a giant birthday cake at some point.

Declan

Is she nekkid?

[mlees]

Originally Posted by ExTank

Is she nekkid?

Isn't that the point?

You ever hear of a Nun jumping out of a cake?

Didn't think so... ( )

[Enderw24]

Originally Posted by Sealemon2.0

No, seriously.

http://www.battleshipmovie.com

Liam Neeson, apparently needing beer money, is here to collect a check. The alien ship shoots pegs like from the board game.

I originally read this as Leslie Nielsen doing this movie, which could have worked and probably would have made more sense. Even if he's dead.

[mlees]

Posting link to new trailer. New trailer is a little more interesting than the one linked earlier.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1440129/#lb-vi1683070489

[robert_columbia]

Originally Posted by Alka Seltzer

...
I wondered how long it would be before someone invoked Pirates of the Caribbean. I don't know what the ride was like before the film was released, but I assume the basic elements were in place. Pirates + cursed treasure makes a good basis for a fun action movie. In contrast, the game of battleships brings nothing to the table. There are simply no elements that are suitable for adaption, other than the most basic idea of two fleets in conflict.....

I remember Pirates of the Caribbean at WDW years before the movies. Basically, it was about bloodthirsty pirates and their favorite things - guns, gold, and girls. I don't remember there being any real fantasy elements though.

[robert_columbia]

Originally Posted by wheresgeorge04

Now THAT'S an invasion I can support!
...

That's what she said!

[robert_columbia]

Originally Posted by tdn

"Including the Pop-o-Matic?"
"No, we don't want to start any Trouble."

"Sorry!"

[Patty O'Furniture]

I saw it today. It was ok. A cross between Independence Day and War of the Worlds.

There is a scene where one character is calling out grid coordinates just like in the board game, except he uses the NATO phonetic alphabet (Charlie-6! ... Miss!). This was probably required by Hasbro. Otherwise the movie has no tie-ins with the game.

Oh, and nobody says "you sunk my battleship!"

[Little Nemo]

Isn't it unusual for an American-made movie to be released in the foreign market before it hits American theatres?

[Justin_Bailey]

Originally Posted by Little Nemo

Isn't it unusual for an American-made movie to be released in the foreign market before it hits American theatres?

Avengers has already opened in the UK too. Must be something about this year's movies.

[Gangster Octopus]

Originally Posted by Patty O'Furniture

Oh, and nobody says "you sunk my battleship!"

Fail.

[Alka Seltzer]

I really want this to bomb, but I don't think it will.

(Not just random malice on my part, but because it encapsulates Hollywood at it's worst to me.)

[Dendarii Dame]

Originally Posted by Miller

"Fire the weapons."
"Which weapons, sir?"
"All of them."

Based on that exchange alone, I'm assuming that the screen writer has not only never served in the Navy, he's never seen a body of water larger than his bathtub.

But maybe the writer's seen that episode of Futurama in which Mom tells her son to retaliate. He asks what button he should push. "Any button! They all retaliate!"

That's what I thought of when I saw that quote.

[BigT]

Film Brain thought it sucked.

[Ashley Pomeroy]

Originally Posted by tdn

I'd like to see them try to make a good movie out of Connect Four.

You're forgetting Robert Altman's Connect Four (1979), starring Paul Newman and Bibi Andersson. It took place in Montreal, Canada - a bleak, frozen wasteland, filled with apathetic people leading aimless, boring lives. Faced with the inevitable prospect of mankind's extinction the people of Montreal had taken to played endless games of Connect Four, with the twist being that the loser dies.

I saw it a long time ago. I can't remember the plot. It had dogs, and there's a bit where a woman gets a knife in her head - nasty. And it looked as if someone had smeared vaseline on the lens. And the colours were muted, which was unfortunate given that Connect Four is a colourful game.

You know, if you think about it, Tetris is much closer to the human condition; the pieces fall, and at first you can arrange them in order, but eventually you leave a gap, and it doesn't matter, but before long it does matter, and there are more gaps than lines, and the pieces keep coming. And you can never close the gaps. Never.

[smithsb]

"Fire the weapons."
"Which weapons, sir?"
"All of them."

Galaxy Quest did it better -
Jason Nesmith: Okey dokey, Okey dokey. Lets fire blue particle cannons full, red particle cannons full, gannet magnets fire them left and right, and let 'em run all chutes. And while you're at it, why don't ya toss that at 'em killer
[tossing empty Coke can to gunner]
Jason Nesmith: That should take care of old lobster head shouldn't it?

[Hogfather65]

Originally Posted by runner pat

Rocky :Sock 'Em Robots

Was that not Real Steel

[The Other Waldo Pepper]

Originally Posted by Ashley Pomeroy

Faced with the inevitable prospect of mankind's extinction the people of Montreal had taken to played endless games of Connect Four, with the twist being that the loser dies.

I saw it a long time ago. I can't remember the plot. It had dogs, and there's a bit where a woman gets a knife in her head - nasty.

"Pretty sneaky, sis."

[infinitii]

Originally Posted by Ashley Pomeroy

You're forgetting Robert Altman's Connect Four (1979), starring Paul Newman and Bibi Andersson. It took place in Montreal, Canada - a bleak, frozen wasteland, filled with apathetic people leading aimless, boring lives. Faced with the inevitable prospect of mankind's extinction the people of Montreal had taken to played endless games of Connect Four, with the twist being that the loser dies.

I saw it a long time ago. I can't remember the plot. It had dogs, and there's a bit where a woman gets a knife in her head - nasty. And it looked as if someone had smeared vaseline on the lens. And the colours were muted, which was unfortunate given that Connect Four is a colourful game.

You know, if you think about it, Tetris is much closer to the human condition; the pieces fall, and at first you can arrange them in order, but eventually you leave a gap, and it doesn't matter, but before long it does matter, and there are more gaps than lines, and the pieces keep coming. And you can never close the gaps. Never.

I'm guessing that's a joke, but the movie is actually called Quintet, and it's a fictional game (called Quintet) within that movie. Amusing though.

[Jophiel]

More amusing to me than Battleship is that Asylum films already has a knock-off made, American Battleship. Talk about kicking the bottom out of the barrel

[Alka Seltzer]

I hear Peter Berg's next project will be a remake of The Seventh Seal.

[Bryan Ekers]

Originally Posted by Alka Seltzer

I hear Peter Berg's next project will be a remake of The Seventh Seal.

He'll have to jazz it up, though - call it Seal Team Seven.

[Alka Seltzer]

Originally Posted by Bryan Ekers

He'll have to jazz it up, though - call it Seal Team Seven.

The twist is, one of the Seals is unknowingly playing a game of email chess against Osama Bin Laden. When his team storms the compound, he looks down and sees a board of his game laid out.

"Checkmate!"

[Gangster Octopus]

In the arena of the future one veteran of the game looking for a final chance at glory, one young ace hoping to make a name, one reject trying to make it for his dying child, and one who is trying to escape the past by creating a new present. This is for redemption and glory!


Hungry
Hungry
Hippos!

This one is for all the marbles!

[Uosdwis R. Dewoh]

At the dawn of the 21st century, mankind is running out of living space when a sudden volcano eruption creates huge areas of fertile land in the middle of the Atlantic. Several nations (USA, Great Britain, Japan, Russia etc.) rush to claim large areas of the new island. Liam Neeson is a master road builder tasked to create roads for the US colony. With him is a young hotshot who's a natural when it comes to road building, maybe the best that ever was. He's also rebel who follows his own rules^* and that gets him into trouble with the man. To make matters more complicated, he's also Liam Neson's character's potential son-in-law.

The road building is interrupted when a malevolent alien force lands on the island with the intent of taking over, and building the longest road. It's up to Liam Neson and hotshot guy to team up with the other nations and build a longer road and prevent the aliens from taking all the grain and wool.

Michael Bay presents: The Settlers of Catan 3D


^{*Where he's going, he don't need roads, but builds one kickass road there anyway.}

[TonySinclair]

I just watched this on DVD. Holy crap.

I thought the last Star Trek movie was stupid, when they made Kirk the commander of the ship a week after he got out of the space academy, or whatever they called it.

But in Battleship, the star is a long-haired hippie robbing a 7-11 to get a burrito for a girl whose name he doesn't even know, and a month later he's not only in the navy, he's a full lieutenant.

Even worse, our navy must be really short of ships and officers, because he's assigned to his brother's ship, and when the aliens destroy that ship, and then kill the CO and XO of the other ship, he becomes the senior officer.

DAMN YOU OBAMA!!!!

[Alka Seltzer]

Apparently there is a sequel in the pipeline, based on the much more cerebral game of Electronic Battleships.

[Death of Rats]

Originally Posted by Alka Seltzer

The twist is, one of the Seals is unknowingly playing a game of email chess against Osama Bin Laden. When his team storms the compound, he looks down and sees a board of his game laid out.

"Checkmate!"

I would totally stream this movie off Netflix during a free trial month.

[Ludovic]

Originally Posted by Uosdwis R. Dewoh

The road building is interrupted when a malevolent alien force lands on the island with the intent of taking over

Not only that, but they have taken an unnatural fancy toward the ovine population. Probing ensues.

[Bryan Ekers]

Originally Posted by Jophiel

More amusing to me than Battleship is that Asylum films already has a knock-off made, American Battleship. Talk about kicking the bottom out of the barrel

I've seen it. It has a much better script than Battleship.

[mlees]

Originally Posted by Jophiel

More amusing to me than Battleship is that Asylum films already has a knock-off made, American Battleship. Talk about kicking the bottom out of the barrel

With Carl Weathers and Mario Van Peeples. Poor guys.

[robby]

Originally Posted by Alka Seltzer

...For example, the tomahawk cruise missiles aren't designed to hit moving targets. They need GPS co-ordinates and reconnaissance photos to direct them.

Nitpick: you're thinking of the Tomahawk Land Attack Missile (TLAM). However, there is also an anti-shipping variant, the Tomahawk Anti Ship Missile (TASM).

Anyway, the movie came up on HBO last night, and I was too tired after shoveling snow all day to change the channel. It actually wasn't completely awful. U.S. Navy ships and aliens--what's not to like?

There was a lot that did suck--no way that a directionless hippie loser who gets arrested breaking into a mini mart gets into a Navy officer program. A junior officer coming in obviously late to a ceremony is simply not done, and getting into a fight with a foreign officer would have gotten him court-martialed.

Anyway, after all of the idiotic character exposition, the movie got down to some great Navy vs. alien action. However, with the aliens constituting an "extinction-level event," I think that the confrontation would have gone nuclear in short order.

[GuanoLad]

Originally Posted by robby

Anyway, after all of the idiotic character exposition

Which could've been reduced down to five or ten minutes because it had no bearing on the ensuing adventure whatsoever, making the movie a respectable and more palatable 90-100 minutes long.

[Hail Ants]

Originally Posted by robby

Anyway, after all of the idiotic character exposition, the movie got down to some great Navy vs. alien action. However, with the aliens constituting an "extinction-level event," I think that the confrontation would have gone nuclear in short order.

I thought the exact same thing. A carrier battle group would have no shortage of nuclear weapons available (though it would have involved some very cliched Presidential War Room scenes!) In reading the OP from last year when it came out, I didn't even notice that those bombs the alien ships shot resembled the game's pegs (good thing, it's stupid). And they're advanced alien weapons, but so slow that the Phalanx Systems could shoot them down?! And seriously, did Liam Neeson have tax problems or something?! Not only was this way too stupid a movie for him to be anywhere near, he's in it for like 10 minutes!

All in all, like a B-version of Independence Day (it being one of the worst movies ever made BTW...)

[TonySinclair]

Originally Posted by robby

There was a lot that did suck--no way that a directionless hippie loser who gets arrested breaking into a mini mart gets into a Navy officer program.

They do in sci fi world. In the last Star Trek movie, James Kirk went from directionless hippie loser to commanding Starfleet's flagship in, seemingly, a few months.

[Typo Negative]

Originally Posted by robby

Anyway, the movie came up on HBO last night, and I was too tired after shoveling snow all day to change the channel. It actually wasn't completely awful. U.S. Navy ships and aliens--what's not to like?

There was a lot that did suck--no way that a directionless hippie loser who gets arrested breaking into a mini mart gets into a Navy officer program. A junior officer coming in obviously late to a ceremony is simply not done, and getting into a fight with a foreign officer would have gotten him court-martialed.

Plus the fact that has trouble following orders, has zero leaderships skills and horrible decision making. And the crew doesn't respect him. As I watched (in horror) I could only think they offered this to Chris Pine but he had better sense.

[Ruffian]

I just finished watching this tonight on HBO. My 6yro son was in urgent care getting oxygen, IVs, albuterol, and x-rays (phew, thankfully no pneumonia at least, just asthma gone apeshit) with my husband at his side, and I was home dutifully bathing and putting to bed the younger brother. My worry had me quite distracted as I waited for each texted update. A good "aliens blow shit up good" stupid movie was a decent distraction from the worry.

It was painfully stupid and contrived, but it was fun and useful for me in this situation. I actually rather liked the (ridiculously improbable) ending, just because

SPOILER:

it was adorable seeing the elderly veterans run the old ship--that realistically should not have 1) fuel 2) live weapons 3) been able to move...etc., so forth, and so on. It was just cute and pleasantly different seeing a bunch of guys their age say things like "let's fill it with lead." Usually those who "save the world" in this movies are infants like the lame male lead.

Incidentally, "Blondie McBoobs" is an awesome nickname.

"They sunk my battleship!" is not uttered. "They're not sinking this battleship!" is.

Oh, and as I typed this, there was a post-credit "ooh, potential for sequel!" blurb that just played.

[The Other Waldo Pepper]

Originally Posted by Ruffian

"They sunk my battleship!" is not uttered. "They're not sinking this battleship!" is.

"You CAN handle the truth!"
"If you build it, they won't come."
"Shane! Don't come back, Shane!"
"Frankly, my dear, I do give a damn!"
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You didn't kill my father."
"TODAY . . . I CONSIDER MYSELF . . . THE UNLUCKIEST MAN . . . ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH . . ."
"A census taker once tried to test me; I didn't eat his liver -- not with some fava beans, and certainly not with a nice Chianti."

[Disposable Hero]

Watched this movie today (mainly because I'm a sucker for alien invasion movies) and I have to say that I enjoyed it.

Its a very silly film (mainly due to the Hollywoodisms actually) but a lot of fun. The Alien VS Human element was pretty well done I thought, to make a change the aliens aren't faceless evil monsters, they're just alien soldiers doing their job, and their technology isn't really much more advanced than ours, just different.

I'm not American but I genuinely felt like cheering when the USS Missouri hove-to alongside the alien capital-ship with all guns ready to fire.

What can I say, I liked it.

One plot point I must have missed, when the battleship is sailing near to the alien mothership why did the aliens have trouble tracking it? Its mentioned several times that they can't see them but did it explain why?

Although I did think the main characters brother could be blamed for starting the entire conflict, the aliens appear but don't really do much, the naval commander sends in three warships, the aliens respond by surfacing three warships, the Captain signals them with the foghorn, the aliens respond with a foghorn (albiet an extremely powerful one) at this point it would seem to me that the aliens are mirroring our moves so the thing to do would be to try to communicate with them...instead Captain Genius fires at them! Granted its a warning shot but the aliens don't know that, they don't act aggressively until humanity fires the first shot!

[Tangent]

It appeared to me that the aliens and their ships were trained/programmed to ignore the humans unless the humans showed aggression. So when the battleship was cruising near the alien ship but had its guns pointed away, the aliens eyed them warily but didn't attack. Only when the humans pointed their weapons at the aliens did the aliens attack. This was the aliens' Achilles heel, conveniently for Earth.

[Disposable Hero]

Ah, that makes sense, thanks. Its a little disappointing though because I was under the impression the alien soldiers were 'just guys doing their job' and had more autonomy that that, they didn't just kill and destroy when there was no need to do so.

btw the little vignette after the credits was fun as well!