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  #1  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:01 AM
StusBlues StusBlues is offline
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Woman Says "I'll Take a Raincheck": Is This a Tactful Rebuke or an Invitation to Ask Again?

The other night I asked a woman out. She said she'd take a raincheck, as she already had plans for that evening.

In the vast dating experience of the Teeming Millions, does this usually mean "I am tactfully telling you no" or "I'd sure like it if you asked me again." I realize that it could mean either, but I'm betting it means the former about 90% of the time.
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  #2  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:06 AM
silenus silenus is offline
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Depends on how she said it.

"Oh, darn I already have plans for Friday night. How about a raincheck?" is a lot different than

"Ummm....I'm really busy Friday nights. Raincheck?" and hurrying away.
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  #3  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:12 AM
Martian Bigfoot Martian Bigfoot is offline
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I don't know the answer, but to the ladies out there: When you turn a man down, could you please do so in an unambiguous manner? 'Cause I'm sure too clueless to know the difference, and you telling me four times that you unfortunately have to shampoo the cat that night before I catch on just makes us both look like asses.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:17 AM
stpauler stpauler is offline
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Everybody's different and have different levels and communication abilities. If I got the response, I'd assume that they were not interested since they didn't counter-offer an opening.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:21 AM
StusBlues StusBlues is offline
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Originally Posted by stpauler View Post
Everybody's different and have different levels and communication abilities. If I got the response, I'd assume that they were not interested since they didn't counter-offer an opening.
Yeah, that was my take, too. Oh, well.
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  #6  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:32 AM
Brynda Brynda is offline
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Originally Posted by Martian Bigfoot View Post
I don't know the answer, but to the ladies out there: When you turn a man down, could you please do so in an unambiguous manner? 'Cause I'm sure too clueless to know the difference, and you telling me four times that you unfortunately have to shampoo the cat that night before I catch on just makes us both look like asses.
We will do that as soon as you guys quit saying "I'll call you" when you have no intention of calling.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:33 AM
StusBlues StusBlues is offline
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Originally Posted by silenus View Post
Depends on how she said it.

"Oh, darn I already have plans for Friday night. How about a raincheck?" is a lot different than

"Ummm....I'm really busy Friday nights. Raincheck?" and hurrying away.
To clarify (and I apologize for not multi-quoting), her reply was much more like the former than the latter. However, this is someone who, I'd reckon, would counteroffer with another night if she were interested. I guess I read the signals wrong. I might make another offer sometime down the road as this is someone whom I'd really like to spend some time with, but I'm afraid this one is going toward the back of the prospect file barring any revelations of wisdom in this thread.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:35 AM
StusBlues StusBlues is offline
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We will do that as soon as you guys quit saying "I'll call you" when you have no intention of calling.
Data point: I have never, ever, ever done this.

I've said "I'll think about it" when a more honest answer would have been "no," however.
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  #9  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:42 AM
treis treis is offline
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It could be either. I'd say make one more attempt, and then drop it after that if she doesn't say yes.
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  #10  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:50 AM
SmellMyWort SmellMyWort is offline
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I don't see a "raincheck" response as a definite "no," but you were there so only you know the level of sincerity in her voice, context, etc. I don't think it would hurt to try again, but this time instead of asking a specific date, just ask if she'd like to go to dinner sometime. Then she can either say yes or no and an honest woman should say no if she's really not interested. If she says yes, ask her to suggest a date that works for her.
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  #11  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:52 AM
BigT BigT is online now
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Originally Posted by treis View Post
It could be either. I'd say make one more attempt, and then drop it after that if she doesn't say yes.
This is what I was going to say.

And I agree that using nonanswers to let people down is annoying, especially that particular one. At least ones like "I'm busy" don't say the exact opposite of what they literally mean.
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Old 11-18-2011, 09:52 AM
John DiFool John DiFool is offline
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Good OP/poster name combo (thinking of Disco Stu from the Simpsons).
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  #13  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:55 AM
hajario hajario is offline
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I'd maybe try one more time but I'd be a lot more confident if she suggested an alternate date.
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  #14  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:57 AM
StusBlues StusBlues is offline
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Not that Disco Stu didn't get his share of the action....
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  #15  
Old 11-18-2011, 09:59 AM
kayaker kayaker is offline
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Originally Posted by treis View Post
I'd say make one more attempt, and then drop it after that if she doesn't say yes.
Or if she gets a restraining order against ya.
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  #16  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:09 AM
control-z control-z is online now
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Well she's probably not head over heels for you but I'd give it another chance. Play it cool and don't be too serious about it.
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  #17  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:11 AM
Agent Foxtrot Agent Foxtrot is offline
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Tactful rebuke. If she had said instead, "Ouch, I already have something on Friday I can't get out of, but how about lunch next Wednesday?" it would be different.
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  #18  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:15 AM
MeanOldLady MeanOldLady is offline
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Originally Posted by Martian Bigfoot View Post
I don't know the answer, but to the ladies out there: When you turn a man down, could you please do so in an unambiguous manner? 'Cause I'm sure too clueless to know the difference, and you telling me four times that you unfortunately have to shampoo the cat that night before I catch on just makes us both look like asses.
Agreed. I was actually forced to be super clear after realizing men don't get hints. I wish they would because rejecting someone flat out always feels so... mean. It gets uncomfortable, so it's much easier to just blow someone off, but it gets even more uncomfortable when he keeps calling, so I've just avoided the song and dance by being very clear in the beginning.

But while we're on the subject of terrible behaviors, can men please, for the love of John Jameson & Sons, stop asking women why we don't want to go out with them? I dunno -- maybe because you're the kind of jackass who would ask this question.

Last edited by MeanOldLady; 11-18-2011 at 10:16 AM..
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  #19  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:16 AM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is online now
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She knows you want to go out, why not let her make the next move? Asking one more time in the next week or two wouldn't be creepy, but I still think it's unnecessary.
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  #20  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:18 AM
eclectic wench eclectic wench is offline
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When I was single, 'Oh, no, I'm busy Friday night,' was a tactful no. 'Oh, no, I'm busy Friday night, let's do it some other time' meant 'Let's do it some other time.'

If someone said 'I'll take a raincheck,' I'd assume she meant she wanted to do it some other time, otherwise why say it? Why not stop at 'I've got plans for Friday night'?
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  #21  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:18 AM
John Mace John Mace is online now
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"Raincheck" has a rather cold and impersonal ring to it. It's probably a polite way of saying "no", but maybe the woman was just caught off guard or isn't too socially sensitive.

I'm with the "try one more time" camp, but don't get your hopes up, and look elsewhere if you get another non-commital turn down.
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  #22  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:23 AM
Mr. Excellent Mr. Excellent is offline
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Me, I'd ask once more in a week or two. If she says she's still busy, either give up or - if you really want to go out with her - maybe say something like "Fair enough - hey, if you're free and want to go do [x], give me a call."
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  #23  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:27 AM
JThunder JThunder is offline
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Originally Posted by rachelellogram View Post
She knows you want to go out, why not let her make the next move?
A lot of women wouldn't, even though they have the opening.

You know how a lot of women want men to make the first move? A good number also want him to make the second one, and the third, and so forth.
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  #24  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:38 AM
Vinyl Turnip Vinyl Turnip is offline
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Next time it rains, show up unannounced at her house and don't take "no" for an answer.
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  #25  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:39 AM
Martian Bigfoot Martian Bigfoot is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinyl Turnip View Post
Next time it rains, show up unannounced at her house and don't take "no" for an answer.
And bring a check.

Last edited by Martian Bigfoot; 11-18-2011 at 10:41 AM..
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  #26  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:43 AM
sugar and spice sugar and spice is offline
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Without other context I would take it as lukewarm -- not totally disinterested but also not secretly infactuated with you either. Basically, she's giving herself the option to say yes (or no) if you decide to ask again. But that still could be the start of something, she could just need time to get to know you. That is the point of dating after all.

If you're actively interested in her then I would suggest asking her out for something with an open date, as mentioned -- "next week" or "next weekend". But of you're not actively interested then it might not be worth the trouble.

Last edited by sugar and spice; 11-18-2011 at 10:43 AM..
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  #27  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:46 AM
Rhiannon8404 Rhiannon8404 is offline
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If someone asked me out and I was busy that night, but I really wanted to go out with the, I would suggest another time to meet. "Damn, I'm busy this Friday. How about next weekend?" sort of thing.

That being said, she's not me. If you're really interested, ask again. If you get a similar response, walk away.
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  #28  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:47 AM
Kimmy_Gibbler Kimmy_Gibbler is offline
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Originally Posted by rachelellogram View Post
She knows you want to go out, why not let her make the next move? Asking one more time in the next week or two wouldn't be creepy, but I still think it's unnecessary.
Whenever I've gotten a real raincheck, like from a store, it's been up to me to come back to the store and say "Oh hai, I got this raincheck that I'd like to use, please."

I don't see why this metaphorical raincheck needs any different protocol.
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  #29  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:51 AM
control-z control-z is online now
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If you ask her again and she gives you another ambiguous answer, you should say "Ok, I'm going to interpret that ambiguous answer as a polite no. Am I right or wrong?" It would help us guys out a lot to hear her response to that.
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  #30  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:55 AM
Martian Bigfoot Martian Bigfoot is offline
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Originally Posted by Kimmy_Gibbler View Post
Whenever I've gotten a real raincheck, like from a store, it's been up to me to come back to the store and say "Oh hai, I got this raincheck that I'd like to use, please."

I don't see why this metaphorical raincheck needs any different protocol.
Well, the woman said "I'll take a raincheck", not "I'll give you a raincheck". Doesn't that imply that she is the one with the raincheck, and gets to go back to the store?

If that's the case, then it's her move.
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  #31  
Old 11-18-2011, 10:58 AM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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Holy crap, there are real rain checks? I thought it was just an expression people used.
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  #32  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:01 AM
Jackknifed Juggernaut Jackknifed Juggernaut is offline
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Originally Posted by Freudian Slit View Post
Holy crap, there are real rain checks? I thought it was just an expression people used.
I've only ever heard of it in the context of a baseball game or outdoor concert.
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  #33  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:04 AM
Freudian Slit Freudian Slit is offline
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Originally Posted by Jackknifed Juggernaut View Post
I've only ever heard of it in the context of a baseball game or outdoor concert.
I wikied it and it also works for grocery stores who have run out of on sale items. Interesting!
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  #34  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:06 AM
StusBlues StusBlues is offline
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Originally Posted by Freudian Slit View Post
Holy crap, there are real rain checks? I thought it was just an expression people used.
Yeah, the term comes from baseball. If a game gets rained out, you can save your ticket stub and get admission to another game later. Ergo, technically, it would be up to the person who took the rain check to redeem it. In common parlance, it's come to mean "maybe later."

Along those lines, however, to paraphrase Jack Johnson, maybe pretty much always means no. The lady in question and I are in a writing group together, so the opportunity to talk more and perhaps ask her out again is there, but my proverbial hopes are far from up. That, and I've gotten this far without ever having a restraining order against me and I'd like to keep it that way.

That said: ladies, has a second offer after a gentle rebuke ever been well received by you? I'm playing Devil's Advocate here.

Last edited by StusBlues; 11-18-2011 at 11:10 AM..
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  #35  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:21 AM
Kimmy_Gibbler Kimmy_Gibbler is offline
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Originally Posted by Martian Bigfoot View Post
Well, the woman said "I'll take a raincheck", not "I'll give you a raincheck". Doesn't that imply that she is the one with the raincheck, and gets to go back to the store?

If that's the case, then it's her move.
That was the meaning I intended. I suppose it was ambiguous.

To restate: the ball is in the askee's court now; she must make the next invitation or the OP will move on. It probably means "No thanks," but there is an outside chance that the OP could be pleasantly surprised.

Last edited by Kimmy_Gibbler; 11-18-2011 at 11:24 AM..
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  #36  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:23 AM
brazil84 brazil84 is offline
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Originally Posted by StusBlues View Post
The other night I asked a woman out. She said she'd take a raincheck, as she already had plans for that evening.

In the vast dating experience of the Teeming Millions, does this usually mean "I am tactfully telling you no" or "I'd sure like it if you asked me again." I realize that it could mean either, but I'm betting it means the former about 90% of the time.
Unless she suggests another time, it means "no."
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  #37  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:23 AM
Kimmy_Gibbler Kimmy_Gibbler is offline
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Originally Posted by Freudian Slit View Post
I wikied it and it also works for grocery stores who have run out of on sale items. Interesting!
Yes, as when Target runs out of an advertised sale item, you can get a raincheck so that when they replenish their supply, you can get the item at the sale price.
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  #38  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:24 AM
Alley Dweller Alley Dweller is offline
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Proper protocol: You find a guy who knows either her sister or her BFF and you ask the guy to ask his friend to ask the woman who is the object of your affections whether she likes you and would consider going out with you if you were to ask. Then wait for the answer to be relayed back.

At least that's how it was taught to me in high school.
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  #39  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:27 AM
Alley Dweller Alley Dweller is offline
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Yes, as when Target runs out of an advertised sale item, you can get a raincheck so that when they replenish their supply, you can get the item at the sale price.
And if the sale item is something perishable like milk or eggs and you don't immediately need any more, you wait until late in the week when the store is sure to be out of the sale item and go in and request your raincheck. Then you can go back when you actually need the item and get it at the reduced price.
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  #40  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:28 AM
PandaBear77 PandaBear77 is offline
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I'm in the "one more time" camp. If she doesn't say yes OR if she doesn't counteroffer, she's not interested.

I'm a little more optimistic. If I didn't want to go out with a guy, I'd just say "oooh, I can't, I'm busy on Friday" and leave it at that. I'd say "raincheck" if I actually wanted to do it and was just simply otherwise engaged for that evening.
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  #41  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:30 AM
treis treis is offline
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Originally Posted by control-z View Post
If you ask her again and she gives you another ambiguous answer, you should say "Ok, I'm going to interpret that ambiguous answer as a polite no. Am I right or wrong?" It would help us guys out a lot to hear her response to that.
Don't do this. A second decline without an attempt to reschedule is a definite no.
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  #42  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:41 AM
beagledave beagledave is online now
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I would think you'd only want to follow up with a woman who is letting you know that there is at least SOME interest in trying a date with you. The way you phrased it makes it sound like at best she has a neutral attitude towards having a date with you.

Having a neutral (much less negative) reaction to the thought of dating me wouldn't really cut if for me.

YMMV.
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  #43  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:44 AM
Wheelz Wheelz is offline
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You won't get anywhere sitting on your hands waiting for her to cash in her raincheck. Nor do you want to creep her out by coming on too strong. So I'll jump on the "one more try" bandwagon, but don't give her the option to pull out the "I'm busy" excuse again.

"So, can I take you up on that raincheck for dinner? What night is good for you?"

You'll either walk away with a date or a definite No.
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  #44  
Old 11-18-2011, 11:51 AM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is online now
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Originally Posted by Alley Dweller View Post
And if the sale item is something perishable like milk or eggs and you don't immediately need any more, you wait until late in the week when the store is sure to be out of the sale item and go in and request your raincheck. Then you can go back when you actually need the item and get it at the reduced price.
This isn't a failsafe tactic. At the local grocery store I used to work, we preferred substitution of alternate brands to rainchecks. Rainchecks were issued very rarely. Maybe at a bigger store it's different, of course.
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  #45  
Old 11-18-2011, 12:03 PM
MeanOldLady MeanOldLady is offline
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Originally Posted by control-z View Post
If you ask her again and she gives you another ambiguous answer, you should say "Ok, I'm going to interpret that ambiguous answer as a polite no. Am I right or wrong?" It would help us guys out a lot to hear her response to that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by treis View Post
Don't do this. A second decline without an attempt to reschedule is a definite no.
Listen to treis, otherwise you'll come off as the creepy pushy guy who doesn't get it. Sure, she should give clearer responses, but you should learn to know when you're beat.
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  #46  
Old 11-18-2011, 12:05 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wheelz View Post
You won't get anywhere sitting on your hands waiting for her to cash in her raincheck. Nor do you want to creep her out by coming on too strong. So I'll jump on the "one more try" bandwagon, but don't give her the option to pull out the "I'm busy" excuse again.

"So, can I take you up on that raincheck for dinner? What night is good for you?"

You'll either walk away with a date or a definite No.
That's my suggestion, too. She did leave it fairly ambiguous, but she didn't respond to the request for a date with, "Dear God, NO! NONONONONO!" either.
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  #47  
Old 11-18-2011, 12:06 PM
Alley Dweller Alley Dweller is offline
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Originally Posted by rachelellogram View Post
This isn't a failsafe tactic. At the local grocery store I used to work, we preferred substitution of alternate brands to rainchecks. Rainchecks were issued very rarely. Maybe at a bigger store it's different, of course.
Sometimes I wish this were the case. There have been times when I've actually needed the item on sale and asked if I could have another brand or if I could take two six-packs instead of a twelve-pack. At all of the chain food and drug stores near me the response is always "No, but I can give you a raincheck." The only time they seem to offer substitutions is if the product is permanently unavailable. But I certainly don't doubt that policies could be different at other stores.
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  #48  
Old 11-18-2011, 12:23 PM
brazil84 brazil84 is offline
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Originally Posted by Agent Foxtrot View Post
Tactful rebuke. If she had said instead, "Ouch, I already have something on Friday I can't get out of, but how about lunch next Wednesday?" it would be different.
Totally agree.

Also, there is another point here. If you are pursuing a girl while at the same time puzzling over how to interpret a girl's actions or words, i.e. playing the "she loves me she loves me not" game, it's extremely unlikely that she likes you. I'm not sure why this is, but it seems to be a universal law of human nature.
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  #49  
Old 11-18-2011, 12:32 PM
SmellMyWort SmellMyWort is offline
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Originally Posted by Martian Bigfoot View Post
And bring a check.
Or ask her to accompany you to a hockey game.
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  #50  
Old 11-18-2011, 01:12 PM
astro astro is online now
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It's going to lay out like this

People are genuinely busy, especially high quality women. So she could be perfectly on the up and up re her plans.

If she's really interested in you she'll call you back with an alternative opportunity to go out. If you don't get the call she's probably not that into you.

If she's (in your opinion) not that into you right now, but you think she might be if you get the chance to interact, call her back with a second pitch. If you get brushed back again it's time to hit the showers..... or take it to the next level, but that often involves the chance of getting arrested or shot so best to move along quietly.
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