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View Poll Results: What is the shortest sane interval between meeting and engagement?
1 Week 12 5.80%
1 Month 9 4.35%
3 Months 26 12.56%
6 Months 59 28.50%
1 Year 79 38.16%
2 Years 14 6.76%
3 Years 4 1.93%
4 Years 0 0%
5 Years 1 0.48%
More Than 5 Years 3 1.45%
Voters: 207. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:12 AM
Mr. Slant Mr.  Slant is offline
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How soon is too soon to get engaged?

I'm a month into a relationship with a charming, wonderful young lady.
I've found the love of my life.
I've never felt like this before.
I'm certain that I've found the woman I'll be married to when I die of old age, barring accidents.
She's just as into it.
We've had the best month of our collective lives.
My notion is that if I could afford a suitable ring without having to borrow for it or dip into savings, I would probably be proposing this evening.
I'm aware that most people think 1 month in is too soon.

What is the smallest sane time interval betwixt the beginning of a dating relationship and proposal?
Discussion is invited.

Last edited by Mr. Slant; 12-20-2011 at 11:15 AM.. Reason: Typo
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  #2  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:18 AM
stpauler stpauler is offline
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Why the rush, she's not the last Tickle-Me-Elmo in 1996.

Frankly, I would never commit to someone without seeing their ugly side first. How a person handles adversity is tantamount to me. That's when lust turns to love. When I can see past the bad and still see the good.
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  #3  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:21 AM
Aeris Aeris is offline
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I always said I would never marry a man until they had seen me sick and vomiting.
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  #4  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:21 AM
MichaelEmouse MichaelEmouse is online now
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How soon is too soon to get engaged?

Before the first trimester.
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  #5  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:21 AM
kenobi 65 kenobi 65 is offline
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I'd say, at least a year. Especially if you're sleeping together...good sex does seem to be able to hide other flaws.
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  #6  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:26 AM
Sattua Sattua is offline
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ummmm... my husband and I discussed getting engaged sixteen days after we met. He didn't do a formal proposal with a ring until we'd known each other for four whole months.

So I chose three months

I think your age has a lot to do with it. If you are under 25, don't get engaged at all. If you are over 25, go for it.
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  #7  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:27 AM
rhubarbarin rhubarbarin is offline
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There's no time limit on this sort of thing IMO. I've seen happy marriages where people tied the knot within weeks of meeting each other, or 'dated' for 20 years first. I've also seen miserable marriages where things moved very quickly or very slowly.

Engagement is a commitment, but on that's hardly difficult to get out of. What's the harm in getting engaged super-fast if you're both on the same page?
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  #8  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:30 AM
Scarlett67 Scarlett67 is online now
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Don't need the ring, you know. I was engaged in March, got the ring in October. Just sayin'.
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  #9  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:31 AM
Mr. Slant Mr.  Slant is offline
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I'm in my mid-30s and I've been divorced for a little over a year now after a marriage that lasted around 7 years.
I've never felt what I'm feeling now. Ever.
I had a live-in partner for about 10 months, between the divorce and 'this'. I told her that I would never, ever, ever get married again due to how I got taken in the divorce.
That stance broke, and violently, two weeks into 'this'.
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  #10  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:32 AM
Mr. Slant Mr.  Slant is offline
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Originally Posted by Scarlett67 View Post
Don't need the ring, you know. I was engaged in March, got the ring in October. Just sayin'.
Didn't know that. Helpful information.
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  #11  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:34 AM
iamthewalrus(:3= iamthewalrus(:3= is offline
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I voted 3 months. I still think that's awfully quick, but I wouldn't think it's crazy. I think it's wise to wait a year or two unless circumstances demand otherwise (shipping off to war, in desperate need of health benefits, knocked-upedness, personal values inconsistent with premarital-sex, etc.).
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  #12  
Old 12-20-2011, 11:36 AM
MichaelEmouse MichaelEmouse is online now
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Originally Posted by Mr. Slant View Post
I'm in my mid-30s and I've been divorced for a little over a year now after a marriage that lasted around 7 years.
I've never felt what I'm feeling now. Ever.
I had a live-in partner for about 10 months, between the divorce and 'this'. I told her that I would never, ever, ever get married again due to how I got taken in the divorce.
That stance broke, and violently, two weeks into 'this'.

I get that it seems exceptional and the chance of your life.

Maybe it is. But it is precisely when one feels such strong emotions that one should be careful to take a step back, lest one get carried away.


It's similar to how, when you're feeling the angriest is when you most need to step back. Unfortunately, that's when you're least likely to do so.
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  #13  
Old 12-20-2011, 12:21 PM
Blackberry Blackberry is offline
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Originally Posted by Mr. Slant View Post
I'm in my mid-30s and I've been divorced for a little over a year now after a marriage that lasted around 7 years.
I've never felt what I'm feeling now. Ever.
I had a live-in partner for about 10 months, between the divorce and 'this'. I told her that I would never, ever, ever get married again due to how I got taken in the divorce.
That stance broke, and violently, two weeks into 'this'.
I said 6 months. Usually I think a year is better, but 6 months isn't insane, especially if you're generally stable and make good relationship decisions.

And your situation does not exactly make me think it's some special exception either. You got divorced and then quickly moved in together with someone else, and that relationship just recently ended? Are you one of those people who can never be alone?
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  #14  
Old 12-20-2011, 12:23 PM
Red Stilettos Red Stilettos is online now
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I think it depends on what's happened in the time that you are together. Like a few previous posters, I want to see the bad side before I commit. It doesn't have to be horrible or tragic, it just has to be real: a tough patch at work, difficult parents, an argument between the two of you. You learn a lot about a person in those moments. Sometimes relationships get real very quickly. Other times people hold back for months or even years to appear "perfect" to the other. Until I know I've seen real, I wouldn't commit. She's not going anywhere, so what's the rush?
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  #15  
Old 12-20-2011, 12:23 PM
Zsofia Zsofia is offline
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If I were you, I'd wait a good six months until that hormone cocktail dies down. (Personally, I got engaged after six months, so I'm biased.) I decided in the beginning that I'd make no permanent decisions before the six month point, as before that I don't think you can trust yourself at all.
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  #16  
Old 12-20-2011, 12:43 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is online now
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I said 1 week because that's the shortest time frame you have. I see nothing wrong with people having their marriages arranged before they are even born. The engagement isn't the problem, it's the marriage. Couples who are still together after their kids are out of school and gainfully employed should get married. Before that it's too soon.

Anyway, I proposed to my wife after about 1 month (I was really stoned!). But a year and half later we did get married. Just based on the current culture as accurately portrayed on sitcoms, proposing on the first date, or accepting a proposal on the first date is always a bad sign. But if two strangers get married when they first meet, they will eventually fall in love.
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  #17  
Old 12-20-2011, 12:46 PM
Waxwinged Waxwinged is offline
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5 years, coming from a person that got engaged after as much. If you can last together those 5, you can last the rest of your life..
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  #18  
Old 12-20-2011, 12:55 PM
leahcim leahcim is offline
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It really depends on what "engagement" means to you. If you mean it as, "we're getting married, and are just in this status between now and the earliest open reservation date for the reception hall" you'll want to wait more that if it just means, "we're probably going to get married if all goes well some at indefinite time in the future, and think 'boyfriend/girlfriend' are silly terms to use for each other when you're both grown-ups, and think the term 'fiance(e)' will get our parents off our cases".
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  #19  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:00 PM
Anaamika Anaamika is offline
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A year. Getting engaged after a month is insane. You asked.
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  #20  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:05 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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On the one hand, if you're right for each other, why wait? On the other hand, if you're right for each other, what's the rush? You've been married and divorced and you're not a kid - I say hold your horses a bit and spend more time together, and as others have said, see where you're at after the first rush of love hormones wear off.

And congratulations on finding someone to be happy with. I'm happy for you.
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  #21  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:06 PM
Deegeea Deegeea is offline
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One pair of my grandparents got engaged a couple months after meeting. They seemed pretty happy even after 50 years.

I honestly don't think you need to wait very long before getting engaged. But one month is pushing it, even if you both know, it won't hurt anything to wait a few more weeks. If you feel just as great about this when you have a ring, though, go ahead and propose.

Then set a date a year or so after the proposal. That gives you time to create a nice wedding plan, and incidentally to make sure the relationship lasts on the same level.

If I were you, I'd be more concerned about the short time since the divorce than the short time since meeting Ms. Perfect.

If you're worried about people being judgmental, just don't tell people you're engaged till it's time to invite them to the wedding =D
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  #22  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:09 PM
Moonlitherial Moonlitherial is offline
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My husband proposed to me within weeks of our first meeting. I accepted (or proposed to him) about 6 months after that. We've been married now for almost 20 years. The important thing is that you're both on the same schedule no matter what the rest of the world thinks about it. I wouldn't rush into the wedding though until you've talked about kids, money and religion. Congratulations and good luck!
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  #23  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:15 PM
ENugent ENugent is offline
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I got engaged about six months after the start of our relationship, and married a year later. (I am told that my husband had decided to propose after the first month, but waited a while so he wouldn't freak me out too much.) That makes me the slowest in my family by a substantial margin. My parents had their first date on New Year's Eve, got engaged in May, and married in August. They've been married for 47 years.
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  #24  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:33 PM
DiosaBellissima DiosaBellissima is offline
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Originally Posted by ENugent View Post
(I am told that my husband had decided to propose after the first month, but waited a while so he wouldn't freak me out too much.)
Forgive me for invoking reality TV here, but The Millionaire Matchmaker (Patti Stanger) explained on a show something I think is quite true and totally fitting of your quote here. She said: men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers. Most men know almost instantly if they've met the girl they want to spend their lives with and will trust that feeling-- whereas women feel that, but want to simmer on it for a while.

Interestingly, she also says that after 6 months, everybody should know what they want out of the relationship and where it's going to go, which I agree with.

Plus, I've always heard (though I don't know how true it is) that it takes about 6 months for your brain to stop producing all those gushy OMG NEW RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAY! chemicals and settle in.

Last edited by DiosaBellissima; 12-20-2011 at 01:34 PM..
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  #25  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:33 PM
obbn obbn is offline
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Before you rush into anything please take the time to think. Marriage is wonderful, I love my wife and wouldn't trade our marriage for anything. However this is my second. My first marriage lasted 8 years and was a nasty nasty divorce. She ended up not being the same person I married and in retrospect I married her too soon. Once you tie the knot is not the time to find out things you don't like about a person.

There is no rush, be sure that you know all there is to know about her. My advise is (this is what I should have done to my ex) to make sure that you take photos of her and have her stand in front of a mirror. If she has no reflection, RUN AWAY .. run away fast. Secondly, stop by your local Catholic Church. Get a bit of holy water in a small container. Wait until Honey falls asleep and sprinkle a little on her arm. If her skin sizzles RUN AWAY. IMPORTANT .. only do step number two when she is sleeping, as if her skin sizzles while awake you won't make it out alive. Thirdly if, like my ex, she sleeps hanging upside down wrapped in a cocoon of her own wings RUN AWAY, it isn't adorable, it is a sign.

All kidding aside marriage is a huge commitment. Even if it doesn't work out and you end up divorced you will be connected to this person for the rest of your life if you have kids with them. Take your time and make sure because the initial few months that you start dating are always bliss and skew your view. What happens when you two get into a fight? What is her/your family like and what is their attitude toward each of you? Make sure you know what she is expecting out of a marriage, do you both want kids? Both want to live in the same place? etc..... I would say that between 6 months and a year is about right, but different for each couple. I do wish you luck if you do propose and I hope you two have a wonderful life together.
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  #26  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:41 PM
obbn obbn is offline
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Originally Posted by Mr. Slant View Post
I'm in my mid-30s and I've been divorced for a little over a year now after a marriage that lasted around 7 years.
I've never felt what I'm feeling now. Ever.
I had a live-in partner for about 10 months, between the divorce and 'this'. I told her that I would never, ever, ever get married again due to how I got taken in the divorce.
That stance broke, and violently, two weeks into 'this'.
Don't mean to post so soon again, but I missed this comment. You sound similar to me. My 1st marriage lasted 8 years and I was in my late 30's when it happened. I told myself, because the divorce was so bad, that I would never ever get married again. Then I met my wife and that opinion changed quick and I am thankful it did. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life and I now know what a good marriage is, my first was a sham from the start, I just didn't know it.
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  #27  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:49 PM
Zsofia Zsofia is offline
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Originally Posted by leahcim View Post
It really depends on what "engagement" means to you. If you mean it as, "we're getting married, and are just in this status between now and the earliest open reservation date for the reception hall" you'll want to wait more that if it just means, "we're probably going to get married if all goes well some at indefinite time in the future, and think 'boyfriend/girlfriend' are silly terms to use for each other when you're both grown-ups, and think the term 'fiance(e)' will get our parents off our cases".
And if it means the second, you really need to think about whether you need to be getting married.
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  #28  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:49 PM
Skammer Skammer is offline
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I got engaged to my wife a little less than two months after meeting her. However:

- we exchanged emails/phone calls for about six weeks before meeting
- I had known several members of her family (cousins, aunt and uncle, grandmother) for quite a few years and it was her cousins who set us up.

So although we got engaged quickly, we both had trusted references. I would not have proposed to a complete stranger that fast, I don't think.
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  #29  
Old 12-20-2011, 01:54 PM
Skammer Skammer is offline
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Originally Posted by Mr. Slant View Post
I'm in my mid-30s and I've been divorced for a little over a year now after a marriage that lasted around 7 years.
I've never felt what I'm feeling now. Ever.
I had a live-in partner for about 10 months, between the divorce and 'this'. I told her that I would never, ever, ever get married again due to how I got taken in the divorce.
That stance broke, and violently, two weeks into 'this'.
Wait a second. You were married for 7 years, divorced a year ago. Of those 12 months, you had a live-in parter for 10. And now you're ready to propose to someone new?

I say wait. There's no reason to rush, and if I were her I'd be concerned about your double-rebound.
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  #30  
Old 12-20-2011, 02:01 PM
MoodIndigo1 MoodIndigo1 is offline
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There's no general rule. When I was young and a bit of a gambler at heart, I agreed to marry a man I had met 3 days before and with whom I hadn't had sex, just a rather clumsy kiss. We were married for 14 years and a half, until his death, but it might not have lasted much longer.

Seven years after his death and after dating a few men, I became friends with one, then the friendship changed. We lived together for 5 years, then married. We'll have been married for 15 years on the 28th.

Yeah, I am that old. <sigh>

Last edited by MoodIndigo1; 12-20-2011 at 02:01 PM..
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  #31  
Old 12-20-2011, 02:03 PM
neuroman neuroman is offline
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My answer was going to be "9 months," but since it wasn't an option, I erred on the side of caution and voted one year.

ETA: One month is insane. You are still in the infatuation phase. You need for the initial giddiness to wear off.

Last edited by neuroman; 12-20-2011 at 02:04 PM..
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  #32  
Old 12-20-2011, 02:43 PM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is online now
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Before you actually meet face-to-face?

Two weeks after we met, we had our first date. Two days after that, we decided to get married. Four weeks after our first date, we eloped. It's been 28 years. YMMV.
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  #33  
Old 12-20-2011, 03:15 PM
Mr. Slant Mr.  Slant is offline
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Originally Posted by Blackberry View Post
I said 6 months. Usually I think a year is better, but 6 months isn't insane, especially if you're generally stable and make good relationship decisions.

And your situation does not exactly make me think it's some special exception either. You got divorced and then quickly moved in together with someone else, and that relationship just recently ended? Are you one of those people who can never be alone?
The separation from my wife had been declared for two years before the divorce, and occurred 10 months before the divorce.
We were, perhaps, both dating for the 10 months before the divorce. We both knew, but could not prove, that the other was dating, and neither objected.
I spent the 10 months dating. Shortly after the divorce, I had a date with a woman who lived some distance away from my house. She wound up spending the night, then spending 4 days, going home on the weekend. Because her home was not a great place and including some crappy relationships, she wound up spending the night for months at a time. I sent her home maybe a week or two before things with my current love interest became a dating thing instead of a friend thing.
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  #34  
Old 12-20-2011, 03:23 PM
Mr. Slant Mr.  Slant is offline
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Originally Posted by leahcim View Post
It really depends on what "engagement" means to you. If you mean it as, "we're getting married, and are just in this status between now and the earliest open reservation date for the reception hall" you'll want to wait more that if it just means, "we're probably going to get married if all goes well some at indefinite time in the future, and think 'boyfriend/girlfriend' are silly terms to use for each other when you're both grown-ups, and think the term 'fiance(e)' will get our parents off our cases".
The mutual notion between myself and the lady is an early proposal followed by several years of engagement.
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  #35  
Old 12-20-2011, 03:25 PM
Mr. Slant Mr.  Slant is offline
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And congratulations on finding someone to be happy with. I'm happy for you.
Thank you very much.
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  #36  
Old 12-20-2011, 03:29 PM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is offline
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If you don't have enough relationships under your belt to recognize the romance stage when it's happening to you, then you need to wait at least 12 months. If you had enough experience to recognize it, you would know to wait until the initial romance wears off before making any long-term decisions.

Wait a year.

Last edited by Rachellelogram; 12-20-2011 at 03:29 PM..
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  #37  
Old 12-20-2011, 03:43 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is online now
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Thinking about this all a little more, I realize that it's not the engagement date that matters, it's the wedding date. As soon as you set the date, you are really engaged. You can break the engagement without turmoil ensuing. So I don't see anything wrong with getting engaged while you are in the romantic thrall (or really stoned). Just don't set that wedding date. Leave yourself a way out. If you don't like each other after the shine is gone, no harm done.
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  #38  
Old 12-20-2011, 03:48 PM
kunilou kunilou is offline
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My wife and I knew each other for six weeks before we got engaged, but I'd tell anyone who did something like that they were a complete fool. I knew my first wife six months before I proposed and I think that's the bare minimum.

Of course my first marriage was pretty much a disaster and my second marriage has lated 31 years, so it proves I know nothing.
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  #39  
Old 12-20-2011, 03:48 PM
Munch Munch is offline
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You don't get any discounts on the reception caterer based on how quickly you propose. Why the rush - are you scared she'll run off if you don't lock her down? If so, that's not a good reason to get engaged. Are you worried you or she will have second thoughts if you wait? If so, that's not a good reason either. I went with 6 months, but I don't think I could do it before a year.

Last edited by Munch; 12-20-2011 at 03:48 PM..
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  #40  
Old 12-20-2011, 03:50 PM
Living Well Is Best Revenge Living Well Is Best Revenge is offline
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Originally Posted by rachelellogram View Post
If you don't have enough relationships under your belt to recognize the romance stage when it's happening to you, then you need to wait at least 12 months. If you had enough experience to recognize it, you would know to wait until the initial romance wears off before making any long-term decisions.

Wait a year.
This. You are still in the fun, romantic, honeymoon period. It won't always be like this. That's when you know if you want to be with this person or not--when things kinda suck. And they do sometimes.
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  #41  
Old 12-20-2011, 04:08 PM
Blackberry Blackberry is offline
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Originally Posted by TriPolar View Post
Thinking about this all a little more, I realize that it's not the engagement date that matters, it's the wedding date. As soon as you set the date, you are really engaged. You can break the engagement without turmoil ensuing. So I don't see anything wrong with getting engaged while you are in the romantic thrall (or really stoned). Just don't set that wedding date. Leave yourself a way out. If you don't like each other after the shine is gone, no harm done.
There will be harm done to me, because I find it annoying when people always say they're engaged when they clearly aren't really. (Of course I understand an engagement being broken off occasionally, but some people have several "ex-fiances". Those people should shut up.)
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  #42  
Old 12-20-2011, 04:22 PM
Mr. Slant Mr.  Slant is offline
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There will be harm done to me, because I find it annoying when people always say they're engaged when they clearly aren't really. (Of course I understand an engagement being broken off occasionally, but some people have several "ex-fiances". Those people should shut up.)
A few months ago, I was considering registering as a domestic partner with my opposite-sex live-in partner.
Be glad that didn't happen. Telling 90% of people you're going to do that makes them angry because "That's for gays!".
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  #43  
Old 12-20-2011, 04:25 PM
GrandWino GrandWino is offline
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Nevermind.

Last edited by GrandWino; 12-20-2011 at 04:26 PM..
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  #44  
Old 12-20-2011, 04:34 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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There will be harm done to me, because I find it annoying when people always say they're engaged when they clearly aren't really. (Of course I understand an engagement being broken off occasionally, but some people have several "ex-fiances". Those people should shut up.)
That reminds me of a quote I read about Steve Earle - he's been married seven times because he's not afraid to commit.
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  #45  
Old 12-20-2011, 04:45 PM
jsgoddess jsgoddess is offline
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There's no rule, but my standard would be that if you know why your previous relationships didn't work and you've accounted for that and any growth you need to do to be better at them, then you get serious about someone new.

I think when people float from relationship to relationship, they tend to have the same one over and over again.

Books like How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk and Intellectual Foreplay can give you some questions to ask each other and yourselves to see if you're really suited or just horny or infatuated.
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  #46  
Old 12-20-2011, 04:46 PM
DiosaBellissima DiosaBellissima is offline
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A few months ago, I was considering registering as a domestic partner with my opposite-sex live-in partner.
Be glad that didn't happen. Telling 90% of people you're going to do that makes them angry because "That's for gays!".
So, in the last 2 or so years, you've had THREE very serious relationships? I have some trouble there--- you were married, then you met a woman you considered getting common law married with (basically), and now, a few weeks later, you're ready to marry this next girl?
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  #47  
Old 12-20-2011, 05:08 PM
TriPolar TriPolar is online now
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Originally Posted by Blackberry View Post
There will be harm done to me, because I find it annoying when people always say they're engaged when they clearly aren't really. (Of course I understand an engagement being broken off occasionally, but some people have several "ex-fiances". Those people should shut up.)
I guess I never realized the harm that breaking off an engagement does to uninterested parties.

Sorry, I sort of know what you mean. Some people around here tend to claim they are married when they're not. I don't even know why. It's like they get some kick from calling each other 'husband' and 'wife'. But then a few months later they're married to someone else. I do find that annoying.

I think for me, being a couple means you have some concept that it would last forever, but always tempered with the notion that it might not. Got me through 33 years of marriage so far.
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  #48  
Old 12-20-2011, 05:38 PM
apollonia apollonia is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Slant View Post
The mutual notion between myself and the lady is an early proposal followed by several years of engagement.
I don't think I understand what the point of this is--to me, an engagement means "we are seriously involved in planning the wedding--there's a date and planning is in the works." What on earth is the point of being engaged for several YEARS?
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  #49  
Old 12-20-2011, 05:41 PM
Mr. Slant Mr.  Slant is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DiosaBellissima View Post
So, in the last 2 or so years, you've had THREE very serious relationships? I have some trouble there--- you were married, then you met a woman you considered getting common law married with (basically), and now, a few weeks later, you're ready to marry this next girl?
The marriage wasn't serious at any point within the last two years. It was dead 3 years ago, I just let her live with me for an additional year and some months so she could finish college.
The difference between the second and third girls is that the third one is intelligent, has similar interests, and gets me.

This is the first time I've been in love.
I didn't even know what the feeling and experience I'm going through EXISTED until a few weeks ago.
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  #50  
Old 12-20-2011, 06:01 PM
Munch Munch is offline
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Then why are you in a rush to completely alter that relationship?
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