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  #1  
Old 12-23-2011, 10:59 PM
partlycloudy partlycloudy is offline
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Moving away from hometown and family - am I being a selfish asshole?

I'm 30 years old and recently returned to college for a 2nd (more practical) bachelor's degree (Medical Technology, whoo!). I've lived in Florida my entire life, save for 2 years in Baton Rouge, Louisiana (school), and a year in England (school again). I've never really liked Florida and have gotten by by spending a lot of time traveling - months at a time when possible. It's always, always been my dream to live somewhere more… mountainous, more naturally beautiful, more politically and socially liberal. Somewhere colder. Somewhere totally different. Somewhere like Seattle or Portland or Colorado or Vermont. So now, my boyfriend and I have a break in time. He's just graduated nursing school and I've nearly finished the pre-professional phase of my degree, and we're ready to get the f*** out of here. My hope is to gain admission to the U of Washington or Oregon Health & Sciences U, and finish up my degree there.

Only thing is, my family is here in Florida. I have a good relationship with them (although they irritate the crap outta me sometimes), and boy oh boy am I feeling guilty just at the thought of leaving. I've mentioned the Washington and Portland options (the ones we're really gunning for, or were… until now), and it has not been well-received. My parents have given me slightly different variations of the guilt-trip. My mother is much more understanding, and though she really doesn't want to see me go, she feels selfish asking me to stay. I'm closer with my mother. My dad though - whom I have a weird relationship with - a sort of pseudo-closeness, where I am intimidated by him and respectful, but inwardly critical of him - well, he's not very happy about it at all. Where I actually expected him to get so angry or frustrated with me that it would be difficult to even talk to him about it, today he actually brought it up and gave me what is turning into the most intense guilt-trip of my life. It's all "we're getting older now. In 5 years your mom will be 70!" Although I don't plan to move back to Florida, I would probably want to move back to this side of the country eventually, so I say, "well it wouldn't be forever" and then I get the worst line, "well, your forever and our forevers are different." Yeah, implying that they're going to die soon and he wants to spend as much time with me as he can while he's still kickin. And if I leave, I'm basically saying that I don't really care that much about those kinds of things.

I just don't even know what to do. I know what I WANT to do is take the leap and go already (assuming I even get in). It does make my heart sink to think of leaving my family, but sheesh I can't stay just because I don't want to miss them. Or am I being a self-centered asshole? Do many or most wanderlusters end up staying at home and foregoing their dreams of far-off places because of familial obligations? (mind you, I don't even have any obligations toward them now other than showing up at the house and visiting every couple of weeks)

Does anyone out there who's had a similar experience wish to share their story and/or any comforting or adviceful words?

Also, as a side-note, I guess a big reason this whole thing makes me all squirmy is because my dad, who has always preached about the importance of "family," spends more than half his nights at his (our family's, but mostly his) house in the Keys or in Georgia, to fiddle around with his big-boy toys and go fishing or hunting with his buddies. He leaves my mother behind, is generally unpleasant toward her during the occasions when he is at home, and is resentful that my brothers and I have a closer relationship with her than we have with him. Yet he's the only one who is really playing this card, whereas my mom and brothers, though they would be sad about me leaving, are more understanding and really kind-of expected it.

Okay, thanks for reading. (sigh)

Last edited by partlycloudy; 12-23-2011 at 11:01 PM..
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  #2  
Old 12-23-2011, 11:15 PM
Mother :) Mother :) is offline
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No, you are absolutely not being a selfish asshole. Go in peace. They'll get over it.
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  #3  
Old 12-23-2011, 11:20 PM
Horseface Horseface is offline
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No, you are absolutely not being a selfish asshole. Go in peace. They'll get over it.
+1 follow your heart.
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  #4  
Old 12-23-2011, 11:55 PM
Taters Taters is offline
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Most definitely take the leap! Don't live with regret!

Many years ago, I had the opportunity to move across the country, but turned it down because most of my family is here.

I've done alright, I guess, but I always wonder now if my life and career would be different.
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  #5  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:00 AM
Clockwork Jackal Clockwork Jackal is offline
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Washington state is gorgeous. (I know, having moved here about two months ago. ) You will not regret it. Take that leap and go for it.
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  #6  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:06 AM
Bear_Nenno Bear_Nenno is offline
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Sounds like dad wants you to stay so that someone will keep mom company. Otherwise, she might start tagging along with him during his little trips. Bet he doesn't want that!

But seriously. Your inner conflict is something that would be expected of an 18 year old. But you're 30! Time to leave the nest already.
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  #7  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:09 AM
Arrogance Ex Machina Arrogance Ex Machina is offline
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If you stay, you might end up resenting your family - going away and having good time with them when you visit should be a lot better option. It's a lot easier to have good relations with your relatives when you don't see them all the time, at least for me. That way when you do meet, it's a festive occasion and people try to let the little irritations slide.

Anyways, it's your life. You shouldn't let others mire you into the bog of familiar when you have a chance to go out and see the world.
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  #8  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:10 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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You owe your parents your life. That does not mean they have the right to ask for payment back with interests, and it does not mean that you belong to them.

Go forth.
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  #9  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:23 AM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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I thought parents were supposed to want their kids to be happy - your dad seems to have missed that lesson. No, you're not being selfish - you're being a 30 year old adult with a mind and life of your own.
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  #10  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:38 AM
TriPolar TriPolar is offline
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Go. If your parents have a problem, they are selfish assholes.
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  #11  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:43 AM
Taomist Taomist is offline
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Your mom will understand; once you do go, be sure you send her pictures and call often and tell her all the things you're enjoying about where you're at. She wants you happy; be happy!

Your dad...will get over it. He might be envious and a little grumpy/bitter; for all you know, THEY have wanted to live elsewhere but haven't for whatever reason.

I really think you should go. Visit as often as you want or is feasible, but really...being happy will make your mom happy. Just share with her all your fun and she can be happy with/for you.
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  #12  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:53 AM
Snowboarder Bo Snowboarder Bo is online now
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No, you are absolutely not being a selfish asshole. Go in peace. They'll get over it.
+1

Everyone else has already said anything I would say. Do what makes you happy!
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  #13  
Old 12-24-2011, 01:23 AM
KinkiNipponTourist KinkiNipponTourist is offline
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Go! Invite your mom to come visit. The bit about your dad scooting off to play with his big boy toys was the most telling part for me. The old codger's not going to croak anytime soon--and if he croaks while playing w/ bigboy toys, what will it have mattered if you were closer to home?

Go. Go go go. Otherwise you'll spend your life wondering 'what if?'.

I'd share my story, as I'm from the East coast and live in Japan, but I'm not close with my family so the decision was much easier.

Go!
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  #14  
Old 12-24-2011, 06:35 AM
astro astro is offline
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Unless there is some pre-existing understanding or deal where you were supposed to stay close to home in exchange for his assistance with your education or something this is one of the more bizarre scenarios I've ever heard.

What's the logic here? I assume your father is reasonably astute intellectually per your description of his ability to maintain an upper middle class lifestyle. Is your family first generation from some other country?

Normally parents want their kids to fly free and be as successful as possible wherever that may be. This notion that you, at age 30, should be crafting your professional life to be close to your parents in preparation for their future dotage is sort of weird. You are describing a scenario where you are all conflicted about leaving healthy, upper middle class parents in their 60's in the US of A to fend for themselves in the wilds of suburban Florida? Seriously? Are you living on some sort of a compound?

I don't know what to tell you about your conflicted feelings. That you are even harboring them in the face of your father's insane expectations is something only you can answer. I will tell you it's not normal for parents in the US to expect, as some sort of entitlement, for their 30 year old kids pursuing professional careers to hang around the local area for the comfort of their parents.

I not going to beat on your crazy dad. He is who he is. That you are all twisted up about an expectation that is manifestly so far off the rails it beggars comprehension is the real issue, and it's one you need to get clearly sorted out before you make any long term plans with an SO. Having a wife or partner who feels perpetually "guilty" and tortured about something inherently irresolvable is a potent relationship destroyer.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:22 AM
2gigch1 2gigch1 is offline
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I hear they have this new technology called a phone, it helps people communicate over long distances. I understand it can be used several times a week if necessary.

Move on my friend. You have one life, your own. Make it good.
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  #16  
Old 12-24-2011, 07:56 AM
twickster twickster is offline
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Moved MPSIMS --> IMHO.
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  #17  
Old 12-24-2011, 08:20 AM
Lynn Bodoni Lynn Bodoni is offline
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Go. Especially since Dad is trying to guilt trip you about going. You need to live your own life, on your own terms.

If you have a potted plant, and it outgrows the pot, it will get sick and die. If you try to put any living thing in a container that's too small for it, that living thing will get sick, at least, and possibly die.

My husband and I have one child, she's 32. We live in Texas, and she lives in Virginia. We miss her, and enjoy her visits, and wish that she'd been able to find a great job in Texas, but we realize that if she had stayed here, she'd probably STILL be working in a menial job. She's working at a great job, with great benefits, just got promoted, and she got a bonus for signing a contract to stay with that company for at least another five years. They like her very, very much, and are willing to pay her quite a lot of money. She needed this job, or one like it, so that she can grow as a person and as a professional. She needed a bigger pot. Sometimes our adult children can't stay in the same area, and parents who genuinely want the best for their kids will realize this.

Your dad is not concerned about your well-being, or at least his first priorities are whatever HE wants, and then maybe he'll think about other people. I'm sorry that he is this way, but if you stay, he'll get worse, not better. He thinks that if you move, HE'LL be inconvenienced. And he probably will. But he's supposed to be an adult, so he needs to learn to cope.

Maybe your mother needs to get a group of friends of her own, some women (and possibly some men, too) who will get together and do things that are interesting to her. And maybe, just maybe, she'll go out when your father finds it inconvenient.
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  #18  
Old 12-24-2011, 08:25 AM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is offline
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I joined the Navy at 19 and left home. Except for a 30 month period in the early 80s, I haven't lived near my family since then. Even now, I'm more than 2 hours away, and I only moved to this area because I really like it, not because it was closer to my mom than the last place I lived.

These days, you can get to almost any city within a matter of hours - certainly less than a day - in case of emergency. But beyond that, you have your own life to live. So do it.
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  #19  
Old 12-24-2011, 08:33 AM
salinqmind salinqmind is online now
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GO! You will regret it if you stay. GO and live your own life where you want.

Everyone who has had any success in life in my family has moved far away.

I'm stuck here in the same town and though they treated me like shit all my life, now what's left of them hobbling around expect me to be a caretaker and chauffeur and bail them out of their many problems 24/7. THAT, my friend, is a horror I wouldn't wish on anyone. GO!
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  #20  
Old 12-24-2011, 08:50 AM
Antigen Antigen is offline
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First off, a huge woohoo to you for choosing to be a med tech! Welcome to the club.

I moved hundreds of miles from my family, and it's been very hard sometimes, but I know I made the right call. It's easy to say "follow your heart" but sometimes it's hard to know what your heart actually wants. From what you're saying, it does sound like moving would be a wonderful opportunity for you, and I don't think that the guilt your father is tossing at you should be enough to stop you. Is anything else holding you back? Do you know that your credits will transfer to the new school smoothly? You're an adult, you're allowed, and expected, to leave the nest at some point. And if you choose to fly far from the nest, that's your call and I don't think it's selfish.

Just know that some days, you will second-guess yourself, and that's normal. Stuff will happen "back home" and you'll be mad at yourself that you can't be there to help or participate. And that's ok. You do what you can, by calling, using Skype or video chat, and visiting when you can afford to. I'm five years into my relocation to Maryland, and it's still hard sometimes, but I look at my life here and know that I wouldn't be as happy without it. I suspect it will be harder when my parents get older and start falling apart, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there. It's so easy to pile up a huge list of possible catastrophic "what-ifs" about the future and paralyze yourself into doing nothing, but that will leave you stagnant and miserable.

I hope you go, and I hope you love it. Good luck!
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  #21  
Old 12-24-2011, 09:16 AM
SnakesCatLady SnakesCatLady is offline
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Spread those wings and fly!
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  #22  
Old 12-24-2011, 09:48 AM
MN_Maenad MN_Maenad is online now
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I agree with the others so far - guilt is a horrible reason to stay.

I faced a similar choice that I'd like to bring up to contrast with what you've told us. When I was a senior in college, 1000 miles from my immediate family, I realized I wanted to go back "home" after graduating. I felt like a total schmuck. But you know why I wanted to do it? Because I missed my family. I didn't feel guilty, I just genuinely missed them. I've never regretted it, but that's because I made the decision out of love, not guilt.

Go. If you miss them in 5 years you can always return to Florida. But don't wait until your parents are dead to start living.
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  #23  
Old 12-24-2011, 10:09 AM
The Flying Dutchman The Flying Dutchman is offline
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You are such a woman. Get over it. Guilt is a useless negative emotion.

I moved from the Toronto area to Vancouver Island, several thousand miles, after I finished school. First my family came to visit and then after seeing how wonderful life is out here they moved here as well within 3 years. That is two independant brothers, two independant sisters and two dependant sisters with their parents. Only one sister is missing because she married a guy in Holland.

They still love me.

Last edited by The Flying Dutchman; 12-24-2011 at 10:09 AM..
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  #24  
Old 12-24-2011, 10:19 AM
DMark DMark is offline
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The day after I graduated from college I went home for a party with family and friends.
The day after that I flew to Europe.

I wound up living in Berlin for 14 years and, yes, I missed my family - but more importantly, I became a better person and did not regret/have not regretted doing so. To this day, I think it was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made in my life.

The first Christmas alone, away from the family, is a bit weird and kind of sad - but you have to make that leap of faith and go where your heart tells you to go.

Mind you, this was in the days before internet and cheap phone calls. We used to do something called writing letters. Today you have Skype and emails and free calls on weekends with every cell phone plan. You can send pictures or videos and call every day if you wished.

Go.
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  #25  
Old 12-24-2011, 10:20 AM
Dano83860 Dano83860 is offline
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Your mother may never get over it but you will. My employer offered me a transfer from Cali to New Orleans in the early 80s. Mom was sure I took it to get away from her no matter how good the promotion was.

Our relation has matured past mother and child.
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  #26  
Old 12-24-2011, 10:52 AM
markdash markdash is offline
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It sounds like your father view relatives as tools, where he wants them to be accessible when he needs them, but otherwise pays them no heed. If your father were more loving I could understand feeling some guilt about leaving. Instead, he's trying to keep his hammer in the top drawer where he left it.
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  #27  
Old 12-24-2011, 11:19 AM
aceplace57 aceplace57 is online now
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I'd urge the OP to plan on regular trips back home to see family.

I understand the need to create a separate life and career. But, your family will be gone someday. Treasure them now while they are still here. Don't make the mistakes I did.

Follow your dreams wherever they take you. Just, remember to stay in touch and visit the people that matter regularly. So what if it costs a thousand bucks to fly home a couple times a year. Make that phone call every single week. Don't turn 50 alone and with everyone you love dead in the ground. I'd give anything to have a second chance at my life.

Last edited by aceplace57; 12-24-2011 at 11:22 AM..
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  #28  
Old 12-24-2011, 11:52 AM
FlyByNight512 FlyByNight512 is offline
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Everyone else has already said it. Disregard your dad, he sounds like a manipulative asshole.

As you wisely pointed out, there's no reason a move has to be permanent. If you spend a year or two elsewhere in the country and then decide you really would prefer to be closer to home, you can always move back. And you can put extra effort into keeping in touch with your Mom.

You (and your boyfriend) are the only ones who can really make this decision, but based on what you've told us here I say go for it. It'll be a good adventure.
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  #29  
Old 12-24-2011, 11:55 AM
gracer gracer is offline
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Sorry about the feelings of guilt, but I think it would only get worse if you gave in and stayed because of what someone else wants.

I have moved all over and away from everyone I love so many times, though I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive family. I have even moved away from my SO a few times because we have always had the deal that if the other needs to do something that is important to them we would not stand in each other's way and we would just make it work.
So maybe you need to reassure your family that you will make it work.
Even when I lived in Brazil I never missed Christmas. Just plan trips and make sure you have either a guest room or a nice hotel nearby so the fam can come over any time. My dad loves to come and visit now and it means when get special father-daughter time together!

I now live near my grandparents (who are really getting on!) and will probably soon be moving away again. I feel do feel a little guilty this time, because if I move away they will probably need to move closer to one of their children (all live other sides of the country or abroad). But I need to go and I'm not obliged to stay to look after them.

I hope you can let go of the guilt and make it clear to your family being geographically apart means very little compared to how special you can make your time together!
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  #30  
Old 12-24-2011, 12:49 PM
partlycloudy partlycloudy is offline
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Ah, you voices of reason... thanks so much everyone for the encouraging words. Perhaps oddly, I wasn't expecting the response to be so unequivocal. Reading your posts has just reminded me of my younger self, and I realize, to my dismay, that over the past couple of years I seem to have become more bound to this place - what with the brothers buying houses, having kids, getting married. I never wanted all that, and I always knew I wouldn't be satisfied staying here. The longer I stay, the harder it's going to be to leave. It's a scary thing, but it always was a little bit scary leaving, and that's part of the thrill of it. And of course the feeling of accomplishment at not having let my fears overtake my ambition.

Antigen, your post in particular was very poignant and much appreciated (and btw I still want to talk to you about Med Tech, I just need to get my shit together and compose that post already!). You are pretty much spot-on, especially when you said: "...sometimes it's hard to know what your heart actually wants." I know what I want, but I'm torn about leaving. Other than the family thing, there's nothing at all holding me back (really, I'm lucky!). The emotional aspect of it is not as cut-and-dry as I'd like it to be, but that's okay. I know one of the results will be that I will appreciate the time that I do get to spend with the fam even more. And I should be able to arrange to come back at least twice a year.

Besides, my parents really aren't that old! Sheesh!

Thanks again all, hope you're having a happy holiday.
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  #31  
Old 12-24-2011, 01:22 PM
Nava Nava is offline
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I wound up living in Berlin for 14 years and, yes, I missed my family - but more importantly, I became a better person and did not regret/have not regretted doing so. To this day, I think it was one of the wisest decisions I have ever made in my life.
Didn't you meet your SO there, too? IIRC it was one of those "I saw him across the room and just knew" stories. If my memory hasn't fallen to pieces in my old age, then that means you would never have met him if you'd stayed home - someone who was a good match for you, maybe; him, no.
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  #32  
Old 12-24-2011, 03:32 PM
even sven even sven is offline
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I left home for college, spent a few years kicking around my home state, lived abroad for four years, and am now on the East Coast. I will probably live the rest of my life either abroad or on the East Coast.

I have felt guilty, especially in the beginning when my mom was still adjusting to life as a single empty nester. And it is tough to see my family growing older and older each time I visit, especially since I don't think I can be there when things get really bad.

But you know what? I know in my heart that they are proud to see me achieve things they had never dreamed of. I think parents get struck with a certain fear when you stray from the path that they know. All they want is for you to be happy and comfortable, but they only way they know how to happy and comfortable is the path that they took. So they have this strong instinct to pull you back to the center.

But that's what the new generation is for- to move forward. To blaze trails, to dare to dream the dreams that the last generation couldn't ever envision.

Trust me, when you are there and challenging yourself and eventually succeeding, they will be proud of you. They will miss you, but they will be so amazed at what you've done.

And if they don't, well, it may be harsh but it's not your problem. You didn't ask to be born, you didn't ask them to have kids at an older age, if you are an only child, you didn't ask to be an only child. When they chose to have you under the circumstances they did, they had to have known there was a range of ways things could go. There are no guarantees in life. Sometimes you have a kid and they are your best friend and care for you until you are old. Sometimes, you have one and they end up a homeless crack addict. Sometimes, they end up astronauts, sometimes they end up flipping burgers. In your case, they ended up with a kid who is seeking their fortune in a new city.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
You are such a woman. Get over it. Guilt is a useless negative emotion.
Is being a woman a bad thing? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this being used a pejorative.
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  #33  
Old 12-24-2011, 03:37 PM
Lynn Bodoni Lynn Bodoni is offline
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Is being a woman a bad thing? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this being used a pejorative.
I am CERTAIN that I'm not comfortable with "such a woman" being used as an insult.
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  #34  
Old 12-24-2011, 03:39 PM
Untoward_Parable Untoward_Parable is offline
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Get out while you still can. Being selfish =/= to being an asshole unless you're taking something (other than yourself so long as you aren't a guardian and in some other spousal situations) away from someone. It = to being a rationale human being with a healthy sense of self preservation and ambition.
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  #35  
Old 12-24-2011, 05:10 PM
salinqmind salinqmind is online now
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I will reiterate, say with utmost truth, you are 30 and not a kid. If you don't do it soon when you have this chance, you never will. If you don't act, you will end up putting it off, and before you know it your dream will be gone and you will be STILL be "50 and alone and everyone you love dead in the ground'. Except you will still be living in sweltering Florida and kicking yourself for letting your dream slip away.
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  #36  
Old 12-24-2011, 05:18 PM
Cat Whisperer Cat Whisperer is offline
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Originally Posted by partlycloudy View Post
<snip> Reading your posts has just reminded me of my younger self, and I realize, to my dismay, that over the past couple of years I seem to have become more bound to this place - what with the brothers buying houses, having kids, getting married. I never wanted all that, and I always knew I wouldn't be satisfied staying here. The longer I stay, the harder it's going to be to leave. <snip>
You got that right. When I was a young adult, it was such an easy decisions to make - "I think I'll move to a different city/province now." A month later, it was done. Now, I'm not sure we'll ever move again - we have a house and a house full of stuff, Jim has a good job, we have family and friends here - you get quite firmly entrenched in a place when you're older. Which is not to say young people can't be entrenched and older people can't pick up move - it just really does seem to be easier when you're younger.
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  #37  
Old 12-24-2011, 05:41 PM
China Guy China Guy is online now
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Sheesh, go already. They will get over it. I went to China when I graduated from University and 25 years later finally moved back to the US. Worst case is you regret it and move back in 3 months.
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  #38  
Old 12-24-2011, 06:30 PM
The Flying Dutchman The Flying Dutchman is offline
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Originally Posted by even sven View Post

Is being a woman a bad thing? I'm not sure I'm comfortable with this being used a pejorative.
I certainly had no intention to insult. Its just that the women in my life have amply demonstrated to me that the prospect of guilt is a driving force in their lives. They readily admit it to me.

I just don't see it in men, and that is one of the mysteries to me about the differences between men and women. Some people talk about the nurturing instinct in women. Perhaps that comes from the same place. Or perhaps I'm just full of shit.

In any case there was no intent to insult.
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  #39  
Old 12-24-2011, 10:35 PM
even sven even sven is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Flying Dutchman View Post
I certainly had no intention to insult. Its just that the women in my life have amply demonstrated to me that the prospect of guilt is a driving force in their lives. They readily admit it to me.

I just don't see it in men, and that is one of the mysteries to me about the differences between men and women. Some people talk about the nurturing instinct in women. Perhaps that comes from the same place. Or perhaps I'm just full of shit.

In any case there was no intent to insult.
Are the women you know also bad drivers, poor at math, prone to monthly bouts of irrationality and likely to be gold diggers?

I know you didn't mean offense, but stereotypes like this cause actual real-life harm to women who are trying to present themselves as rational, professional and reasonable people.
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  #40  
Old 12-24-2011, 10:48 PM
jjimm jjimm is offline
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I went away for three months and didn't come back for 17 years. Came back for five and have gone again. Best thing I ever did.

They'll get used to it: don't look back.
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  #41  
Old 12-24-2011, 11:40 PM
AuntiePam AuntiePam is offline
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I've moved cross country twice. The first time, we left my husband's family behind. The second time, we left my 68-year-old mother and three of our kids.

It worked out well both times. Everyone survived, and the second move probably saved our relationship with my mom.
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  #42  
Old 12-25-2011, 12:34 AM
astro astro is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by even sven View Post
Are the women you know also bad drivers, poor at math, prone to monthly bouts of irrationality and likely to be gold diggers?

I know you didn't mean offense, but stereotypes like this cause actual real-life harm to women who are trying to present themselves as rational, professional and reasonable people.
People are different, but I have rarely if ever heard a man express the level of angsty conflictedness women often do about making choices that may disappoint people or cause disruption in family peace or social relationships. Whether it's socialization or simply the way women are wired is irrelevant. It is a fact that they behave this way much more often than men do, and it's generally not a particularly useful or healthy attitude.

Re "You are such a woman. Get over it. Guilt is a useless negative emotion."

It's was clumsily stated, but the generalization is not altogether incorrect.
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  #43  
Old 12-25-2011, 02:49 AM
TokyoBayer TokyoBayer is online now
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Make a new rule in your live: Never listen to guilt trips from fathers who spend all their time on man toys. Go already
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  #44  
Old 12-25-2011, 04:14 AM
Becky2844 Becky2844 is online now
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Take that leap of faith, totter on the edge of the nest, and fly.

Go.

You've been itching for this forever, and your mother understands.

Never, (and I learned this the hard way,) never make a life decision for yourself based on somebody else's needs.

Even if both your parents have strokes over the next few months and one of them's leg falls off, don't let that stop you. There're always Home Health Care nurses, etc.

You come across like a change-of-life baby, a bonus baby. Your parents are probably older than your friend's parents...am I right?

Doesn't matter. There's nothing you can do that's going to stave off old age from your parents, no matter what your dad thinks. This is the only life you're going to have on earth; do with it what you will.

Don't feel guilty. Love them (and it sounds like you do) and remember to always wave bye. Because you've got places to go....
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  #45  
Old 12-25-2011, 04:36 AM
JoseB JoseB is offline
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FWIW... I left home at the age of 21. First I went to live in Madrid, then Barcelona, and finally Japan. Right now I am living in the Netherlands.

My mother never took my moving particularly well (and, today, more than 20 years later, she still keeps asking me "when am I going to come back home").

I never regretted a single minute of my life. Had I not moved out I wouldn't have become the person I am.
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  #46  
Old 12-25-2011, 09:23 AM
The Flying Dutchman The Flying Dutchman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by even sven View Post
Are the women you know also bad drivers, poor at math, prone to monthly bouts of irrationality and likely to be gold diggers?

I know you didn't mean offense, but stereotypes like this cause actual real-life harm to women who are trying to present themselves as rational, professional and reasonable people.
I didn't post for the benefit of women in general, but rather for the benefit of the OP.

I've received the comment "You are such a man" in relation to my inability to multitask like my wife for example.
I receive that comment positively, perhaps due to a slight angst about being normal. I'm acting like a man ? Great ! I know I received that trait due to the neccessity to focus when hunting thousands of years ago.

So I considered the comment "You are such a woman" as positive and comforting.
I try to be a positive force in this universe.
I'm fairly convinced that the OP knew the right answer to her question beforehand but like my wife and all her friends she wants to discuss her feelings about it anyway. That is another woman trait I rarely see in men. We men don't often ask even if we don't know sometimes.
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  #47  
Old 12-25-2011, 12:07 PM
partlycloudy partlycloudy is offline
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Well, I was avoiding getting into this.

Flying Dutchman, the "You are such a woman. Get over it." did come across as rude and I think your post would've contributed more, less those two sentences. But meh, I understand people feel the way they feel. I did like the "guilt is a useless negative emotion" line. It doesn't usually serve me well, but sometimes it's there. What can I say? I understand you're seeing the me that is in the OP, without knowing any of the rest of my story - but I consider myself a pretty emotionally stable person, and I don't think feeling guilty about moving across the country from my family is indicative of a character defect, as astro seemed to be suggesting in his first reply. So in that perspective, certain responses are expected and that's fine - it's all appreciated. The battle of the sexes is a little bit of a digression though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Becky2844
You come across like a change-of-life baby, a bonus baby. Your parents are probably older than your friend's parents...am I right?
Well, sort of but not really. My mom was 32 when she had me, dad was 27. They were a little bit older than most of my friends parents, but there were kids whose parents were older. I have a twin brother, but I'm the only girl.

I do kinda see things from my dad's perspective (and yeah he's just going to have to get over it). Both of my parents still live 15 miles from the town they both grew up in, which their parents (pretty much) grew up in, and every one of their sisters and brothers still lives in or very near (oh, and their kids too). It's just not part of our family tradition to pick up and move far away, and he's a little freaked out about it actually happening. I will just have to be the trailblazer of the family!
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  #48  
Old 12-25-2011, 12:25 PM
DMark DMark is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nava View Post
Didn't you meet your SO there, too? IIRC it was one of those "I saw him across the room and just knew" stories. If my memory hasn't fallen to pieces in my old age, then that means you would never have met him if you'd stayed home - someone who was a good match for you, maybe; him, no.
Yes, you have an excellent memory. Did indeed meet the love of my life there - and yes, our eyes did indeed meet across a crowded room (the bar "Dreizehn" which means "Thirteen" in English) we have been together almost 31 years now. So, no - I would never have met him if I hadn't gone away and moved to Berlin and I think he would agree the match was good for him too...usually he would say that, but there are days....

However, the OP is taking the SO along - so the beauty in that is they can both discover all new and wonderful things together.

Last edited by DMark; 12-25-2011 at 12:27 PM..
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  #49  
Old 12-25-2011, 12:34 PM
monstro monstro is offline
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Your father is afraid of getting older as well as dealing with an aging wife. This is natural and understandable. But it is annoying that he expects you to alter your life to help him cope and deal. Those are his problems, not yours.

If you don't move, you will feel resentment. I know someone who is like this, who views her mother as a lodestone keeping her in place, blocking opportunities, stunting her professional growth. The truth is that her mother probably doesn't want her to ever move. But millions of other parents and their adult kids have found themselves in this same situation, and they have somehow coped. So would she. So will ya'll.
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  #50  
Old 12-25-2011, 12:38 PM
hajario hajario is online now
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Go as soon as possible.
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