At work: How can you make it up to someone when you snap at them in anger?

[Koxinga]

Along the lines of "I don't know what the hell you're trying to write here!" Mostly an expression of frustration as I was trying to clarify something but he either didn't get my point or was trying to evade it. Annoying, but I shouldn't have snapped at them like that, especially in front of other people.

Person got very quiet after that, and I'm afraid he is either wounded or seething with anger, or both.

What should I do? One thing is to apologize, of course, but the question is how. When this has happened in the past and then I apologized directly & right away, I've felt like the person was still angry with me and now regarded me as insincere, or something. What have you done in similar situations, on either the inflicting or receiving end?

[Runs With Scissors]

That's it. I apologize in person and as fast as possible.

I offer no excuses or explanations. I simply say, "What I did was wrong and I'm embarrassed by my behavior. You do not deserve to be treated that way, and I sincerely apologize.

Why, yes, I have had a lot of practice...

[Amasia]

I agree with the soon as possible apology, but also think that if you snapped at someone in a group setting- particularly criticizing their work ability- you need to re-apologize in that group setting as soon as possible and say that what you did was unprofessional and out-of-line. The damage is not just personal- it's much greater if it happened in a semi-public environment.

[Trinopus]

Apologize profusely, sincerely, and abjectly.

Then......begin building trust again. It may take time. If you don't do it again, then, eventually, if they're willing, they'll come to trust you again, and the event can be put in the past.

Alas, not always. Sometimes, the relationship is destroyed, and trust is never rebuilt. At that point, all you can do is stay professional.

[TriPolar]

Apologize. Blame your bad mood on your wife. Make a joke. Get on with it.

[2gigch1]

Apologize and make sure the group knows it....

However...

If the other person can't get over it after your sincere and proper apology, that is their character flaw not yours and you should minimize your angst over the issue. Some folks feel the cool rush of perceived moral superiority and are loath to remit it. Do not feed that addiction or you will find it returns easily.

[Hello Again]

Aoplogize, by admitting fault and without making excuses
good: I should not have make that remark, it was inappropriate. In the future if I have an issue with your work we will discuss it in private.
bad: I'm sorry I yelled, I was just so frustrated at your mistake
revolting: I'm sorry I yelled, my wife's on the rag har har har.

If the other person can't get over it after your sincere and proper apology, that is their character flaw not yours

I agree with this and then again I don't. Some people think a smooth apology makes everything better but if the same demeaning behavior continues, the apology really doesn't mean much, no matter how sincerely it was meant at the time.

So I add a corrollary: don't make a habit of this type of thing.

[madmonk28]

If I snap at someone who reports to me in public, it is my policy to bite the bullet and also apologize in public. I will just say something like, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, I'm having a bad day and I took it out on you." If there is a need to follow up with a more detailed discussion, I have that in private.

[Jack Batty]

Man, this just happened to me not a half an hour ago. I didn't really snap, but through a miscommunication between my boss and I, I sort of blew him off with a sigh and an eye-roll -- which he hates.

But it was more a comedy of errors than anything ... and I did apologize: "Didn't mean to act like a dick, there."

[Kimmy_Gibbler]

Originally Posted by Trinopus

Apologize profusely, sincerely, and abjectly.

What? No.

This is a workplace we're talking about and a direct report who was either not understanding instructions or resisting them. It is appropriate in either situation to communicate to the employee that he needs to get with the program. Sometimes getting barked at will inspire renewed diligence, comprehension, and compliance.

I would say all you owe this employee, if you feel bad, is a public acknowledgment when he turns the email or pitch (or whatever it was that he was writing poorly) around. Something like, "Thank you, Ken. This looks great."

And if he's wounded or simmering with anger, maybe he can get a job as Peter Pan (who, recall, never wanted to grow up).

[Anaamika]

Who said he was a direct report? And you do not bark at your peers, not if you have some maturity. It happens, but dammit, you apologize.

Civility may not make the world go 'round, but it definitely greases the wheels.

[TriPolar]

Originally Posted by Kimmy_Gibbler

And if he's wounded or simmering with anger, maybe he can get a job as Peter Pan (who, recall, never wanted to grow up).

Is that your job?

[Wallenstein]

I had a bump in the car last year which left me more shaken than I thought. When I got into work I laid into a few colleagues over trivial stuff. Fortunately it was sufficiently out-of-character that my colleagues were more suprised than upset, but I did go round individually the next day and apologise profusely. It'd be different if I did it every day and I had a (sort of) reasonable excuse, but it did need me to make the first move.

[Vinyl Turnip]

Originally Posted by TriPolar

Is that your job?

I'm getting more of a Captain Hook vibe.

[PandaBear77]

Apologize profusely and sincerely. Maybe throw in lunch?

[handsomeharry]

Tell everybody in the same volume as you used that you were a jerk/etc... and apologize to the victim and the group. Don't lecture them that it was unprofessional-they already know that. Don't say that you embarrassed the victim. They all know that, and it he/she will be embarrassed further by your pointing that out. You aren't apologizing for their defensive psychological actions: you are apologizing for your punk jerkiness.

[Trinopus]

Originally Posted by Kimmy_Gibbler

What? No.

This is a workplace we're talking about and a direct report who was either not understanding instructions or resisting them. . . .

This doesn't justify snapping at them.

If they're being unprofessional, that doesn't open the door to you acting the same way. If you choke, you apologize. If they choke, you criticize them properly, within the bounds of professional behavior.

[Ravenman]

An apology may be in order, but I don't agree with the calls for a profuse apology. It certainly seems that the comment was jarring, but it was not a personal attack ("Why don't you learn to write, moron!") and as the OP reports it, does not seem to be motivated by animosity or unjustified anger. Everybody gets frustrated at work at times, and it just can't be contained 100% of the time.

If someone has done a bad job at work, and the supervisor calls him on it (even in slightly brusque terms), the problem is still that somebody did a crappy job, not that the supervisor was having a bad day. If I do a half-assed job on something at work, and get chided for it, to have my supervisor come back later and apologize for having a case of the Mondays is a totally disingenuous apology.

I think the OP needs to make a judgment: was this a unique or uncommon situation for him to make such a comment? If so, is the root of the problem that the work was substandard and unacceptable; or is the problem that he feels like he actually crossed a line in being personally insulting without having any professional justification for it?

If the issue is that the work was in fact bad and now the OP feels guilty just because someone's feelings were hurt for being called out for doing poor work, then I would say that encouraging, but genuine, comments in front of the group at the next opportunity would be the way to go.

If the OP feels that his comments were not based in the substance of the quality of the work, and were a manifestation of an unprofessional comment on someone's character, then an actual apology would be a good thing.

But I don't think a supervisor owes people an apology if someone does a crappy job, gets called on it, and the worker is just embarrassed by being caught.

[Trinopus]

Originally Posted by Ravenman

An apology may be in order, but I don't agree with the calls for a profuse apology. . . .

Well, just an opinion, but I'd say the apology should outweigh the original offense by a very large factor. Two to one? Three to one? Ten to one?

(How one "weights" social interactions is, of course, an individual interpretation, but I think a heavy level of over-compensation is fit and proper. Not just one apology, but two or three. Obviously, you don't dwell on it forever, but just waving it off, "Well, sorry, mate," doesn't cut it.)

So far, I seem to be the only one who used the adjective "abject." (Flog me, that's hard to type!)

[don't ask]

From my experience in the average workplace:

Forget about making an apology. Never directly mention it to the offended party, say Ken, and just allow natural resentment, humiliation and discomfort to fester.

With other people talk as though you regret the incident but kind of blame Ken. "I still feel terrible about letting out my frustration with Ken's inability to learn new things..." Encourage them to respond with their own criticisms of Ken.

Take any opportunity to mark down or undermine Ken's performance hopefully with a view to getting rid of him.

After he is gone reframe the whole story so that it was a funny little incident that Ken couldn't deal with because he is a precious little flower unlike you robust, plain speaking types that remain. "Remember that day I had the shits for some weird reason and yelled at Ken and he just sat there like a statue. You would have just told me to 'fuck off' eh Betty?"

Or else just tell them all you are sorry and it will never happen again as you are going to AA.