So I’m watching Barney’s Version with Paul Giamotti and Dustin Hoffman, where the latter is the former’s father. They are visiting the grave of the wife/ mother, and they both place a large rock on top of the headstone. As you look down the row of headstones, you can see similar rocks on headstones. Is this a real thing? What does it mean?
It’s certainly a real thing, there is a graveyard near my house with some famous people in it and people regularly place rocks on their headstones. I take it as a sign of respect. Someone will come along with a better answer, but I always thought it came from the Jewish tradition. If you ever saw Schindler’s List, the actors at the end of the movie place rocks on Schindler’s grave.
it’s a Jewish custom, as far as I’m aware. It serves as a reminder of the family’s presence.
2nd vote for “it’s a Jewish thing.”
As a child I was told never to leave anything by a grave that can die (ie, flowers) since that’s like saying your remembrance will someday die. A rock stays put, or at most gets knocked off by the wind.
However in looking into it quickly, it seems there’s not much consensus for the origin of the custom.
Some people leave lemons on Stonewall Jackson’s tomb. The man loved lemons.
Yes, it’s a Jewish thing. I first became aware of it through Harold Robbins’ book A Stone For Danny Fisher.
People leave Rolling Rock bottle caps on Tim Russert’s headstone, but his family has asked people to stop.
People leave coins on Harry Chapin’s grave.
(“Harry, keep the change.”)
The way I heard it, stones on a grave are an ancient nomadic custom. Desert nomads don’t keep cemeteries, obviously, nor do they carve elaborate headstones. Instead, they simply bury their dead under cairns by the side of the path. The stones represent the rocks the dead nomad’s clan would place on the cairn whenever they passed by, to repair damage caused by time and the elements.
Thanks, everybody, for a glimpse at a tradition i have never heard of.
It’s traditional to leave a penny on Ben Franklin’s grave.
I always understood it as a Jewish tradition, like washing your hands after going to the graveyard before going into a home.
I visited James Dean’s grave; there were lipstick kisses on it and unsmoked cigarettes all around.
That wasn’t the actors, they were the real people depicted in the film, and their families.
I can confirm (as a Jewish person who visits both parents regularly), it is indeed a Jewish custom because flowers are not permitted in a Jewish cemetery (although people with good intentions who are unaware leave them all the time and I have never seen them removed). The rock is intended to indicate you have visited the way that other cultures leave flowers.
BTW the hand washing is only after a funeral, not every time you go to the cemetery.
I have only a small pool of experience to rely on for the hand washing, both women in their late 70’s in the first few years after their husbands passed.
As I recall, it was the actors, together with the people they portrayed (where possible). It’s been some years since I saw the film, but that’s how I remember it. Regardless, I think it’s a nice tradition, and it does explain (to me, who is not Jewish), the scene at the end of the movie.
I always leave rocks or pennies when I visit a grave. Sometimes I take smooth pretty rocks particularly for this purpose. At some (usually the perpetual care cemeteries) they’ll be moved or disappeared when I go back, I suppose due to groundskeepers or strong winds, but on a couple there’s a nice little mini cairn started.
In the 70s, I heard that it was to throw rocks at the Devil when he came.
When we are in New Orleans we usually pay our respects at Marie Laveau’s crypt. People leave all sorts of things. Also writing in chalk (xxx) on the wall of the crypt is supposed to make your wishes come true or something.