Purely theoretical…
Someone you know has been recently widowed (or widowered - is that a word?). In your mind, how long of a wait before dating again is socially acceptable?
Back when I was in high school, and still a Mormon, there was youth group leader whose wife was dieing of cancer. They had very young children, and had agreed that it would be best for the children to have a new mother. I don’t know what I would do, but this is what they had agreed.
I don’t remember how long he waited, but he did start dating less than six months, I think.
If a SO were to suddenly drop dead or get killed in an auto accident, Miss Manners would frown on bringing a date to the funeral.
Oh come on - what are the first three letters in “funeral”?
Regards,
Shodan
When the surviving partner feels ready. This may vary from person to person.
Boring answer, but it’s the right one.
Meh. Poll needs an “it depends” or “other” answer.
Yup…It depends. You wouldn’t want to date someone (and vice-versa) if you are still in some sort of grieving period or your still in grief counseling. The time varies from person to person, the circumstances involved and how tight the decesased and widow(er) were emotionally.
Could be ANY length of time, if at all.
I was ready to get involved again after about 9 months, the symbolism of which did not escape me. If you have a Terri Schaivo situation, bringing a date to the funeral makes sense to me.
So, it depends.
Not a theoretical question for me, since I am a widow. I think the right time to start dating is when you are ready for the good and the bad of a new relationship, and when you aren’t dating to avoid being lonely. When your life is full again, but a partner would add to it.
For me, that was about 1 1/2 years.
It took me about 6 months after my wife died before I felt like I was fit to socialize, and a year before I had any interest in a date. As others have said, what feels right and what appears right to others will vary widely.
My dad was already dating (but probably not sleeping with) another woman when my mom succumbed to a long fight with breast cancer. This caused a lot of hurt feelings on my mom’s side of the family, who basically didn’t talk to my dad for 15 or 20 years afterward.
Ostensibly it was “a new mom for my son” but he almost certainly started dating because mom had been sick for so long, and he hadn’t had a relationship with a healthy woman in years.
It has been four years for me. I would love to have a man in my life.
I picked “a year or longer”, but would see little wrong with the next two or three shorter timeframes, and agree that depending on the relationship (and possibly the physical health of the people in it), a shorter time frame still might be acceptable.
And there’s nothing wrong with someone who chooses to wait longer than a year, but far short of forever.
I haven’t lost a spouse but from my experiences with other personal losses, I would probably suggest waiting a full year before becoming serious with anyone. I think getting through all those “First milestones” (first holidays without him/her, first anniversary of their birthday and death, etc.) is important to the healing process in many cases. I think it’s much more likely to have a healthy relationship if you’ve made peace with the death before you’re trying to start something new than if you’re still going through the stages of grief.
Of course, everyone’s different, and grief is absolutely a unique experience, but I think that waiting a year after any source of profound grief to make any major life changes is generally good advice to be “on the safe side”. When I’ve experienced major losses, I know that I wasn’t quite my usual self for a long time afterwards.
My mother started dating about a year after my father died (I remember my sister, who lived nearby, saying that she felt she had a teen-age daughter) and my parents were very tightly bonded. She remarried a bit over three years after he died.
My DIL’s sister died (of melanoma, age 32) and her husband’s FB page had him “in a relationship” a month later. From all the evidence he has never grown up and never will.
Age of the surviving spouse, duration of the relationship must factor into it. Me: mid-40’s; 20 years, started up after 14 months. And, frankly, “hotness” level as well as placement on the introvert-extrovert scale are probably big factors. Is the sympathetic “oh, the poor dear,” followed or not with the unspoken addendum “that shouldn’t be going to waste” ?
For me, it was around a year after my SO passed. It was about three years before I got serious with someone. It’s different for everyone.
I’ve always felt Judaism has the right idea it comes to grief/mourning; they allow remarriage after 3 months.
shrug I think the one who is grieving should make the call as to what’s right for them and to hell with what is “socially acceptable.” American society has some pretty screwed up ideas over what is proper when it comes to bereavement. You get a whopping 3 days off work after which you’re expected to come back and be productive … yet people get pissy if you start dating “too soon.”
My take is that you don’t want to date someone while you’re still emotionally vulnerable as you might make a terrible mistake.
But ethically. as soon as you like, your dead partner won’t be hurt by it and if they really loved you they’d want you to be happy.
Personally, I can’t imagine dating at all, especially at my age. But something tells me I’d know when I was ready. Not that I want to train another one…
So, yeah, it depends.
I think a sense of propriety and dignity is important so you wouldn’t want to engage in an unseemly rush into dating after the death of your wife. So I think you shouldn’t arrange a date for that night if she dies after lunch.