Who is the most useless Superfriend?

[Philosophocles]

I would have to say Aquaman--I mean, these are superheroes, so I'd assume they all know how to swim. About the only thing going for him is his telepathic communication with sea animals. Black Manta was always kicking his butt.

The Wonder Twins are probably just about as useless. My theory is that they were not really from another planet, but rather are the result of Wendy, Marvin, and Wonderdog (aka Gleek the Blue Monkey) being exposed to massive doses of nuclear radiation. Gleek was definitely the brains of that trio.

Among the part-timers and temp workers at the Hall of Justice, Hawkman is also kind of weak, because all he can do is fly. At least Samurai could do that freaky tornado thing with his arms and legs and Black Vulcan could throw lightning bolts and Apache Chief could become a giant and stomp on things.

[soulmurk]

I always thought that Wonder Woman was pretty useless. She's got an invisible plane that can be seen (or she'd never find it) and a lasso that makes those caught by it tell the truth.

Other than that, she has some extra strength and those bulletproof bracelets. You only ever saw her block one shot at a time, what would happen against an uzi? Or a laser for that matter.

And Robin. He's just a suck up to Batman. Doesn't do anything but point out the blatantly obvious.

The Green Lantern (think he was a SF), sure he's got unlimited potential, but you could counter his awesome power by wearing something yellow.

All pretty useless in my mind. It's a wonder that their enemies never put it all together and just wiped them out. Guess that speaks for the uselessness of the villans as well.

[Tyklfe]

me. I am the most useless superfriend.

[dantheman]

Gotta go with Aquaman, too. Seemed like every episode the other Superfriends would have to rescue his scaly ass from something he'd gotten himself into. And the fish! So he could communicate with them telepathically.. the fish were always thinking (and I'm paraphrasing here), "Man, what a putz! You stingrays over there... don't let him use you as skis again, ok? And you! You seahorse! Have you no dignity?"

And on and on.. Man, even the Junior Superfriends were better than Aquaman. No wait, never mind. They sucked, too.

[Max Torque]

Aquaman, easily. He was the "designated hostage". Plus, what good is the power to swim and talk to fish? He could only fight very specific kinds of crimes.

Lotsa great, funny critiques of the Superfriends and the Legion of Doom can be found on Seanbaby's Superfriends Page.

[heembo]

What about The Flash? If I remember correctly, all he could do was run really fast...seems like something a coward can do well, too!

"Hey, cut that out or I'll run around really fast like a jack-ass..."

[Saint Zero]

Superman. Ultimate Dweeb. Just whip out that Krypontie, or start a spell, and he'd just keel over.

[Gazoo]

Nah, it's got to be the guy that did the voiceovers...

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom...

[theendisnear]

Hawkman of course, every other superfriend could AT LEAST fly (even the flash and batman when the writers where high enough) . Honorable mentions go out to aquaman for being a complete moron (lets send a school of little fish to stop that nuclear submarine, its our only hope!) and batman who actually had no powers at all other than naming all his toys after himself and being able to operate the bat computer. If it was superman by himself the show would have ended in about 5 mins, everyone else was just around to mess things up and stretch the show a few extra minutes.

[Snooooopy]

The Wonder Twins would've worked out all right if Zan had ever decided to turn into an Ice Death Ray or Jana had turned into a bubonic plague-infested rat.

[Turpentine]

The Flash could deliver pizzas...

[tiny ham]

I...I...

How can you....

what?

Aquaman? He's the hands down, no holds barred, SEXIEST superfriend EVER INVENTED...look at him for god's heavenly sake. He may not have a lot of superpowers, but holy hell, that boy's got a power over me. (And I'm speaking of old school Aquaman by the by, not that new one with the long hair...ick) Swimming through the ocean with those biceps, those muscular be-finned legs...growl...

:: jarbaby muses that we need a 'panting dog' smilie ::

the very idea that you could put Aquaman on the list as LESS USEFUL than f-ing APACHE CHIEF is beyond me.

Yes...call Apache...we need someone to put the star on the Chirstmas tree...or change this lightbulb.

jarbaby

[dantheman]

Originally posted by Snooooopy
The Wonder Twins would've worked out all right if Zan had ever decided to turn into an Ice Death Ray or Jana had turned into a bubonic plague-infested rat.

What I always wanted to see was:

Form of.. a water buffalo!

Shape of.... a water buffalo!

[dantheman]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
the very idea that you could put Aquaman on the list as LESS USEFUL than f-ing APACHE CHIEF is beyond me.

Well.... everything you mentioned about your beloved Aquaman makes him less useful, not more useful! What's he good for? According to you, he's good to look at! Oh boy, a trophy superhero! Now there's a useful characteristic! Why, when I'm looking for someone to fight crime in my area, my first choice will the dope who looks good! Yesiree, forget about the guys who can lift heavy objects, fly, or run fast.. give me the hunk!

[tiny ham]

Originally posted by dantheman
Well.... everything you mentioned about your beloved Aquaman makes him less useful, not more useful! What's he good for? According to you, he's good to look at!

Dan.

DAN..

DAN, obviously you've never been a pubescent, lonely and horny teenage girl laying in bed fantasizing about Aquaman...or else you'd know just how useful he is...



jarbaby

[sk8rixtx]

I have the comic in which this decision was to be made. Out of the 32 members of the Justice Leage, one had to be removed. Braniac 5 built a machine that would calculate which member should be gotten rid of. It came down between Superman and Mon-El, and Superman said that he would leave because the only weakness Mon-El had was lead. Which didn't make sense, because anyone could kill him. A third grader could have just stabbed him with a pencil.
I forget the ending, but I think that no one ended up leaving. It came close though, I think Bouncing Boy was the most useless though. What did he do? Well... he could bounce.

[MrAtoz]

Aqauman was the first thought that occurred to me too. But as I pondered it further, I thought that perhaps people are being too hard on the poor schmuck. Although I have never fantasized about him. (Now, if they'd included Black Canary...)

Anyway, I think we may be underestimating Aquaman's strength. I recall a very early episode, from the Wendy and Marvin era. There was this tidal wave. There were Superman and Aquaman. There were two bulldozers. And Superman tears the blade off one of the dozers and tosses it to Aquaman (who catches it!). He then tears the blade off the other dozer for himself. Utilizing the blades as shields, the two of them proceed to deflect the tidal wave, thus saving the day. Of course, whether a couple of bulldozer blades would be capable of deflecting a tidal wave is another question, and beyond the scope of this message. Still, an impressive display of strength for an amphibian.

Yes, it is sad and pathetic that I remember that. I am not unaware of this fact.

In answer to the OP, most useless Superfriend, I would nominate Rima. Or maybe it was spelled Reema, I don't know. You probably don't remember her, and I don't blame you. Unless I'm mistaken, she appeared in a grand total of one episode. Basically, Rima was Tarzan. Except she was a lady, had slightly better diction, and a much wimpier "ape cry." Now, I ask you. How often can you really use a jungle girl in a superhero team? How many supercrimes take place in the jungle? Probably even fewer than take place in the ocean, I'll wager. And, unless you count swinging from vines, she didn't really have any powers to speak of.

And the mere fact that they got along without her in every episode but one proves that she can't have been too useful. My theory is that she was some kind of superhero intern who didn't make the final cut, but they didn't have the heart to tell her. So they stuck her in some out of the way Superfriend field office deep in the tropical rain forest, hoping that she would eventually quit out of boredom. For all I know, she's there still, just waiting for the Trouble Alert to sound. Poor gal.

[Sealemon88]

That show did more to destroy the reps of some pretty decent superheroes than any thing this side of the sixties Batman show.

To the Aquaman detractors: He's actually a lot tougher in the comics, and his one apperance in The Adventures Of Superman showed him in a much stronger light. If nothing else, He's the king of Atlantis, and has an entire army of...errr..mermen at his beck and call, armed with Atlantian tech.

My pick for most worthless Superfriend? Motherfuckin' Marv.

[Sealemon88]

BTW, sk8rixtx, the comic you were reading was The Legion Of Superheroes, with Superboy as member of the thirtieth century team. The Legion included such kick ass member as Triplicate Girl, who could make three copies of herself, and Matter Eater Lad, who had a big mouth. The Legion Of substitue Heroes was even sadder, with the likes of (I swear I'm not making this up) Porcupine Lad and Stone Boy. What could Stone boy do? He could turn himself into an immoble statue. In one case, the other Subs dropped him on the bad guy.

[rjung]

Most useless superfriend?

Wonderdog.

Wendy was eye-candy, at least, and Marvin could probably go fetch a pizza or something. Wonderdog was a token pet, and a poor one at that.

And I always believed Aquaman only hung out with the Superfriends to humor them. Anyone who's monarch of 3/4ths of the Earth's surface and can dive God-knows-how-deep without breaking a sweat is not someone you dismiss lightly. He was probably holding back.

[Weirddave]

Originally posted by Sealemon88
BTW, sk8rixtx, the comic you were reading was The Legion Of Superheroes, with Superboy as member of the thirtieth century team. The Legion included such kick ass member as Triplicate Girl, who could make three copies of herself, and Matter Eater Lad, who had a big mouth. The Legion Of substitue Heroes was even sadder, with the likes of (I swear I'm not making this up) Porcupine Lad and Stone Boy. What could Stone boy do? He could turn himself into an immoble statue. In one case, the other Subs dropped him on the bad guy.

The Subs were CLASSIC! I remember one issue, I think of DC Comics Presents, When Superman captured Ambush Bug ( before AB turned good), and handed him over to the Subs to hold. What 30th century marvel of a jail did they put him in? A fish tank. And he promptly escaped. Hilarity ensued, and I mean actual LOL hilarity, of the kind rarely seen in comic books. One of the best parts of the Subs issues is checking back in on Stone Boy, who is still.....solid and immobile.

[sk8rixtx]

Ambush Bug was one of the funniest bad guys I had ever read. Have any of you ever read the Stupidman comic? Sooo funny. The Tick made his first entrance in this comic.

[dantheman]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
Obviously you've never been a pubescent, lonely and horny teenage girl laying in bed fantasizing about Aquaman...or else you'd know just how useful he is...

Oh, so he was a Super Dildo to ya, huh?

So what was it? His scales? His green tights? That shock of golden hair, cascading gently o'er his heated brow?

Oh, and you guys who are nominating Wonderdog, Marvin, etc... Dagnabit, those were Junior Superfriends, not actual Superfriends! They can't possibly count! They're useless as a collective!

[Snooooopy]

Originally posted by dantheman

Oh, so he was a Super Dildo to ya, huh?

I can't imagine why the Superfriends never had a member known as Super Dildo.

[theendisnear]

I'm sure Batman had a bat-dildo laying around somewhere...

[ricksummon]

What, no one's ever heard of El Dorado? He's the Mexican Superfriend whose only power is to project holograms from his eyes. Some power THAT is!

I'd just like to add that in almost every episode of the Superfriends I ever saw, the bad guys had defeated the Superfriends fair and square until the last minute, when they were saved by some deus ex machina. I actually rooted for the bad guys on that show because I felt they DESERVED to win! If the good guys are going to win, they need to EARN it, damn it!

[Snooooopy]

Originally posted by ricksummon
I'd just like to add that in almost every episode of the Superfriends I ever saw, the bad guys had defeated the Superfriends fair and square until the last minute, when they were saved by some deus ex machina.

For those who don't speak Latin, deus ex machina is pronounced "deuce ex machine-ah" and it means "two things that were formerly machines."

[Sealemon88]

Oh, and you guys who are nominating Wonderdog, Marvin, etc... Dagnabit, those were Junior Superfriends, not actual Superfriends! They can't possibly count! They're useless as a collective!

OK, fine. In that case, I nominate everyboy except Superman. He had to save all of their collective asses every episode anyway (Except for the occasions that someone would use some green kryptonite they found in their backyard, in which case Gleek would use his stretchy tail to throw it away, or something).

[dantheman]

[hijack]

Originally posted by Snooooopy
For those who don't speak Latin, deus ex machina is pronounced "deuce ex machine-ah" and it means "two things that were formerly machines."

Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition pronounces it "dâ-es eks mä ki ne," "mahkinah," or "me shç ne", "mehsheena." No alternative pronunciation for "deus" - just "de us." Deus meaning God or a god, and in classic Greek and Roman theatre, a god would be introduced by means of a crane to decide the final outcome of a play. Literally means "God from a machine."

There, now that's a hijack! (Man, I'm a bastard.)
[/hijack]

Oh, and good call, Sealemon88. He sure saved their scrawny asses a lot, didn't he? Surprised he didn't complain about it more! "Why am I out there busting my ass to save you guys all the time? Do you do anything? I work and I slave, and what thanks do I get?"

[rjung]

Originally posted by dantheman
Oh, and good call, Sealemon88. He sure saved their scrawny asses a lot, didn't he? Surprised he didn't complain about it more! "Why am I out there busting my ass to save you guys all the time? Do you do anything? I work and I slave, and what thanks do I get?"

What, Superman? The Big Blue Boy Scout? He'd never do anything as impolite as actually complain, are you kidding?!

[dantheman]

Originally posted by rjung
What, Superman? The Big Blue Boy Scout? He'd never do anything as impolite as actually complain, are you kidding?!

Exactly! Think how cool he would have seemed if he said things like

"Dedicated to truth, justice, and peace for all mankind.... my butt!"

and then flipped everyone off, sideswiped a prop plane, and invited hookers to his Fortress of Solitude. THAT would be a superhero! WoooooooHOOOOO!

[tiny ham]

Originally posted by rjung

What, Superman? The Big Blue Boy Scout? He'd never do anything as impolite as actually complain, are you kidding?!

And THAT, is why Superman will never be sexy. Aquaman was no Wolverine, but he wasn't Mr. Goody Goody either. pff.

jarbaby

[dantheman]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
And THAT, is why Superman will never be sexy. Aquaman was no Wolverine, but he wasn't Mr. Goody Goody either. pff.

Yeah right! What bad things did Aquaman ever do? You talk about your Boy Scouts, at least Superman had a damn girlfriend! Who did Waterboy have? The hammerhead shark?

[Sealemon88]

dantheman: As a Superfriend, Fishboy is useless. In the comics, he's making time with Wonder Woman. For that reason alone, he's my HERO.

What, Superman? The Big Blue Boy Scout? He'd never do anything as impolite as actually complain, are you kidding?!

"*Whew* I finally found Batman and Robin and were able to save them from the Riddler's Giant Paper Bag Trap (tm). Now I can finally relax a little, and--Jesus Christ. Hawkman's getting his ass kicked by some some cub scouts with magnifying glasses. Superheroes, my ASS."


BTW, Seanbaby's page is hil-freakin-arious!

[foolsguinea]

Originally posted by jarbabyj
(And I'm speaking of old school Aquaman by the by, not that new one with the long hair...ick)

YES!! Someone else who despises the new Aquaman look!!

No vote from me, just a plug for Jon Morris'sOnline Sketchbuk on ape-law.com. He did a hypothetical redesign of the Legion of Doom recently. Interesting, though I don't recall the Legion of Doom at all. Mxyzptlk, Darkseid, yeah. The LoD, no.

[Snooooopy]

Originally posted by dantheman
[hijack]

Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, Tenth Edition pronounces it "dâ-es eks mä ki ne," "mahkinah," or "me shç ne", "mehsheena." No alternative pronunciation for "deus" - just "de us." Deus meaning God or a god, and in classic Greek and Roman theatre, a god would be introduced by means of a crane to decide the final outcome of a play. Literally means "God from a machine."

There, now that's a hijack! (Man, I'm a bastard.)
[/hijack]

What? Nobody thinks you're a bastard.

Yeah, I know the right way to say "deus ex machina" -- I had this friend in high school who took Latin and I liked to drive him nuts by intentionally mispronouncing that and many other Latin phrases. He was an odd dude. He tried to get back at me by intentionally mispronouncing Spanish phrases (because I took Spanish) -- like I cared. I have so few pleasant memories of high school and this is one.