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  #1  
Old 02-11-2013, 05:14 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Why does My sister hate me?

[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]For all my life my big sister has hated me. I'm 32 and she is 38. We were both raised the same from very good parents and a wonderful family. Good morals and values. We both look a lot alike, 5"7 blonde hair, green eyes, very athletic. We played softball together and we both were very good. I played first base and she played 2nd base. We traveled together. But she would always have negative things to say to me and would always want to prove she was better. I have always had bigger boobs than her and a curvier bottom. She would talk negative about my body. She ended up having a boob job and would get Botox injections all the time. She never listened to me and would always interrupt me when I was talking. She had a very awesome husband and she had two kids with him and she cheated on him all the time. He divorced her. Then during that time she needed me.. Then she got married to a guy 9 years younger than her, a engineer. She had a good job herself, but she cheated on him all the time also. She would plan trips, movie dates, lake trips with her kids and my cousins and their kids, my brother and my mom and leave me and my husband and son out. It got worse after my dad died. I would confront her and she would play it off like it wasn't intentional. So her cheating ended up with a underage boy of 13 years old and now she is in prison for 15 years, no joke. I wish I were joking.. she had denied it for so long. So now she writes me all the time and wants me to write her, send pictures, etc,etc. I have no relationship with her. If she wouldn't have got caught behind bars she would still not want anything to do with me, so now she does? She asked my mom to give me her cell phones and wanted me to go through them for her, erase everything and sell them so she could have money. I went through them and noticed my name coming up a lot. She HATED ME! I found two years of awful things being said about me and my husband and my 12 year old son. She clearly stated that she did not want us in her life. After the thousandth letter and my mom saying she always wishes she would hear from me.. I don't know what to do.. I can see that she won't stop bothering me or my mom about us writing to her. Any advise please?[/COLOR]
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  #2  
Old 02-11-2013, 05:32 AM
Lucretia Lucretia is offline
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It sounds like the choices she's made have made your sister very unhappy. My advice would be to carry on with your own life and family, and leave her to the results of her own bad decisions. Try to support your Mom, as this is no doubt very hard for her, but don't let her burden you with your sister's problems. Say something like "I'd rather talk about how you're doing, Mom.", whenever she brings up your sister.
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Old 02-11-2013, 05:44 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Thank you for your reply. That's what I want to do. I just don't want my mom to have any more drama from this situation with her. I hope she just gets the point and drops it. Thanks again for your advise.
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Old 02-11-2013, 07:33 AM
Molesworth 2 Molesworth 2 is offline
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I also have an older sister who always hated me.

I suspect that it goes back to when I was brought home from the hospital as a newborn, and suddenly our mother was more interested in the new baby than she was in my sister.

My advice: stay the fuck away from your sister in the months after your mother (or father) dies. The last thing you'll need as you're dealing with your grief is to have an older sibling who has always despised you bringing their their long-held emotional baggage to the table.
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Old 02-11-2013, 12:10 PM
elbows elbows is offline
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Yes, my sister developed a raging hatred for me when her life went into the shitter and she was forced to see my life up close. She'd just lost her home, we had just purchased ours, something neither she or I thought would happen. She is divorced and very bitter, has been many years. Angrier still to see we, who couldn't be arsed to actually walk down the aisle, coming up on our 25th anniversary, while she was still alone and miserable. Now throw in that with a math degree and years of experience in IT, she could not find work, while we, who have always been lowly servers seem always to easily find employment and earn well. I suspect another factor was that while she has spent a lifetime talking about altruist feelings, she arrived at my home when I was receiving lots of respect and props for ongoing caregiving for a bedridden loved one, for many years. But the real kicker, I believe was coming into a magical reunion with a beautiful and accomplished daughter I had surrendered to adoption as a teenager. Unfortunately this coincided with the appropriate yet trying times of her own daughter, and last child, leaving home, and her alone.

Ultimately I feel it was because she had very low expectations for me, and pretty high ones for herself. To suddenly see herself failing, where she never imagined, and then the double whammy of getting an up close look at the blessings I received, but in her eyes never deserved, was just too much for her to handle. I can kind of see why too, she felt she was more deserving of these things than I. I suppose I had always believed as she did, that I was the fuck up and she was by the book doing all the 'right' things, as opposed to my struggling and wandering, somewhat randomly from one thing to another.

It hurt a great deal to realize she was pissed because my life didn't crash and burn as she'd expected. That I had exceeded expectations, made her mad at me, not happy for me. As I'd been unaware, all along that this was how she viewed me, I was much taken aback indeed. I was extremely hurt.

But in the end you can only lead your own life. And haters only have significance if you give it to them.

We're I you, I would plead lack of time or inexperience and reject following her directives regarding phones etc. keep your distance. If you feel the need, send her a short unrewarding letter, along the 'hope things improve' line, and leave it at that. Don't get sucked in. Don't address her issues or questions, and keep sending effectively the same letter over and over when pressured, distant, uninterested, no specifics, generalized hope you're well, and done.

I'm sorry this is happening to you as it sounds really awful, I wish you Good Luck !
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Old 02-11-2013, 12:50 PM
phouka phouka is online now
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Your sister sounds like a very sick person. You can't help her. If you remain in contact and try to do things to make her happy, you'll only fuel her illness. At this point, it would be best to distance yourself from her.
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Old 02-11-2013, 01:14 PM
Boozahol Squid, P.I. Boozahol Squid, P.I. is offline
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Maybe she just doesn't like your font choices?
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Old 02-11-2013, 01:17 PM
Labrador Deceiver Labrador Deceiver is online now
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How did you play on a youth softball team with someone who is 6 years older than you?

Last edited by Labrador Deceiver; 02-11-2013 at 01:18 PM..
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Old 02-11-2013, 02:24 PM
Wheelz Wheelz is offline
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A wall of purple Comic Sans text is enough to get anybody to hate you.

More seriously, as you describe it, her problems are entirely hers, and you have nothing to gain by putting yourself in the middle of them. She's made her bed. Keep your distance.
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  #10  
Old 02-11-2013, 02:28 PM
Yeticus Rex Yeticus Rex is offline
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She's a newbie, I will cut her slack for the OP.
(Note to OP: Don't do that again if you want to be taken seriously)

My wife is going through this RIGHT NOW with not one, not two, but three older sisters. None of them are in jail though, but they are definitely insecure and jealous of my wife since she was the baby of the family who ended up with the education, our successful business, and our ability (foresight) to stay out of trouble in the fiscal sense, while these three racked up the debt, failed marriages, and leather skin from too much care-free fun in the sun.

When my father in law passed away last year, that was the beginning of the end for our direct relationship with them, thankfully. I haven't seen any of them since his funeral. My wife still has to deal with them though because there is a fifth sister who is developmentally disabled in a skilled nursing facility, and my wife is the best link to her having an advocate from here on out. The other three sisters didn't want anything to do with her (the 5th sister) until the father passed, while my wife always went with mom (been deceased) to visit her all of the years growing up. Those years spent on visiting her sister gave my wife a plan/career path that translated into a college degree and masters in human development/services, a job as a counselor for the developmentally disabled for 8 years, our business serving the developmentally disabled for the last 20+ years, and even shared conservatorship with her mom (until she passed) for her sister.

And these three sisters now want to decide what's best for her.....

In the 30 years that I have know them, they have turned into bitter old hags with built up muscules in their foreheads from years of scowling at my wife for their own resentments in life. They have this mentality that 3 of them can outvote my wife on any family-related decision....back then with their father, and now with the sister. Guess what will happen if they try to get joint conservatorship....wifey will shoot that idea down, and then turn around and re-apply for conservatorship herself, and will most certainly get it. But she's being cool about right now, because they are constantly making asses of themselves at any group meeting regarding her sister (like they did with their father).....racking up the bitchpoints like Kareem used to with his sky-hook.

The lesson: You don't have to spend your life trying to make somebody happy, because you can't if they are not happy with themselves......but if banging your head against a wall is your favorite thing to do, then go ahead and stay in your sister's life, otherwise keep some good distance until she has shown over a period of time as a changed person.....and I mean that over a course of years (not days, weeks or months).

Last edited by Yeticus Rex; 02-11-2013 at 02:30 PM..
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Old 02-11-2013, 02:46 PM
Ibanez Ibanez is offline
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Want to know why she suddenly likes you ?

First off she probably still doesn't like you. But she probably went through her short list of people, whom turned her all down and she got to you on the list. She's going to try an wrangle you into doing things for that she can't do because she's locked up. She's using you. Don't give in. If my sibling treated me like that, and all of a sudden hand a change of heart. I wouldn't waste two seconds telling her, no it ain't happening. Get some one else to do your shit on the outside for you. Before you know it, she'll be asking you to buy her cartons of cigarettes and candy bars.
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Old 02-11-2013, 03:09 PM
tdn tdn is offline
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Originally Posted by Yeticus Rex View Post
The lesson: You don't have to spend your life trying to make somebody happy, because you can't if they are not happy with themselves......
Excellent point.

It's like some people feel that the only way to get their fair share of oxygen is to strangle everyone around them.

Last edited by tdn; 02-11-2013 at 03:10 PM..
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Old 02-11-2013, 03:19 PM
Ellen Cherry Ellen Cherry is offline
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Welcome to the Straight Dope, Pooty. We don't use fonts other than the standard around here, so thanks for sticking with it in your subsequent posts.

We have another forum here, In My Humble Opinion, where we most usually place advice threads. I'm going to move it there for you.

Best of luck to you in your situation.

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Old 02-11-2013, 03:23 PM
R3d Anonymous R3d Anonymous is offline
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Welcome to the Straight Dope, Pooty. We don't use fonts other than the standard around here, so thanks for sticking with it in your subsequent posts.
Wait, so it is against the rules to post in different fonts?
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Old 02-11-2013, 03:28 PM
Rachellelogram Rachellelogram is offline
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She's in jail for having sex with a 13 year old, and you're wondering why SHE hates YOU? I'd have to say, who gives a fuck? Obviously she's a severely messed-up pedophile and you're better off without her in your life. Give her phones back to your mom and cut this crazy bitch out of your life.
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Old 02-11-2013, 03:37 PM
Spice Weasel Spice Weasel is offline
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She's in jail for having sex with a 13 year old, and you're wondering why SHE hates YOU? I'd have to say, who gives a fuck? Obviously she's a severely messed-up pedophile and you're better off without her in your life. Give her phones back to your mom and cut this crazy bitch out of your life.
Usually I'm all for the compassionate route. But honestly, my first reaction upon reading this thread was, ''Well, some people are just assholes.'' It doesn't sound like she has a logical reason to hate you, I just think she's not a very nice person, and it sounds like you have taken her mean-spiritedness personally. It sounds like she treats other people like shit as well, and then the pedophile thing on top of that... I don't think I would want her in my life. I'd be thanking my lucky stars I didn't have to deal with her for 15 years.
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Old 02-11-2013, 03:55 PM
Yeticus Rex Yeticus Rex is offline
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Wait, so it is against the rules to post in different fonts?
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Originally Posted by Yeticus Rex View Post
She's a newbie, I will cut her slack for the OP.
(Note to OP: Don't do that again if you want to be taken seriously)
Not against the rules.....but it's not always about the rules.
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Old 02-12-2013, 03:22 AM
Doggo Doggo is offline
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Originally Posted by Molesworth 2 View Post
I also have an older sister who always hated me.

I suspect that it goes back to when I was brought home from the hospital as a newborn, and suddenly our mother was more interested in the new baby than she was in my sister.

My advice: stay the fuck away from your sister in the months after your mother (or father) dies. The last thing you'll need as you're dealing with your grief is to have an older sibling who has always despised you bringing their their long-held emotional baggage to the table.
I concur with that. Your sister was old enough to have got used to being the sole object of your parent's affection before you arrived.
Jealousy is irrational.
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Old 02-12-2013, 09:09 AM
Earl Snake-Hips Tucker Earl Snake-Hips Tucker is offline
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Why does my sister hate me?
Any chance your user name describes a chronic real-life problem?
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Old 02-12-2013, 10:05 AM
Enright3 Enright3 is offline
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7
That's the magic post number that first mentioned the font. I thought it would be sooner than that!

I just came in here to amoeba my similar situation to this one. I have a sister in law that just hates me for some reason. For the life of me I can't figure out why. Upon meeting my wife for the first time; the first words out of her mouth were "I got the good one." Really? No "Nice to meet you," or a simple "Hello?" I'm not sure we've spoken since then. I organized a family reunion which she was suddenly to ill to attend. She sent some homemade jelly to my brother and sister; but didn't send any to me. It doesn't bother me per-se; except the digging curiosity of what makes me such an undesirable person. I might add, similar to some of the examples above; she's kind of a self loathing kind of person it seems. Whatever...
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Old 02-12-2013, 10:32 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Okay.. I am a new at this.. So I suck. Sorry about the font and the color, and my name is a nickname that my husband calls me and now some of my friends call me that also. Lol.

Thank you all for the advise. Not one person thought I should try and write her questions and try and get to the bottom of this and maybe save a sister-sister relationship. I know she has serious problems but I just found that out recently. It's all so new to me and I really don't care that she hates me, I just want to know why. I am very sad and relieved that I'm not the only baby sister or brother hated in this world. So sad.

Lab receiver? I never said it was youth. They have women's softball.
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Old 02-12-2013, 10:37 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Not really releived. I shouldn't say that. But after hearing all your advise and listening to similar stories. I am Definitley going to leave it along. I guess some part of me was getting excited that maybe she really finally wanted a relationship with me. I know, pathetic.
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Old 02-12-2013, 10:45 AM
elbows elbows is offline
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Now, now, no self loathing! Not needed, never appreciated, waste of time always. Don't go there.
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  #24  
Old 02-12-2013, 10:49 AM
Jr. (DNA test) Jr. (DNA test) is offline
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Why not try talking to her honestly? Like more than the college try. Going into it like a drama queen who feels hated ain't the best angle, by the way.

Don't know if this has been done or suggested. Don't seem like it.
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Old 02-12-2013, 11:09 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Elbows: you are exactly right. I liked your idea on sending the letters and keeping them very basic. That is exactly what I'm going to do.
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  #26  
Old 02-12-2013, 12:31 PM
msmith537 msmith537 is offline
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I don't know. Bitches be crazy, that's why.
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Old 02-12-2013, 12:32 PM
Jr. (DNA test) Jr. (DNA test) is offline
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That made me laugh.
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Old 02-12-2013, 03:05 PM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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I don't know. Bitches be crazy, that's why.
Haha! So true!
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Old 02-12-2013, 04:30 PM
Ellen Cherry Ellen Cherry is offline
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I wasn't fussing at ya, Poots, just explaining. Stick around, you'll get some good advice around here!
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Old 02-12-2013, 04:44 PM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Oh, I know! I'm loving all of this. Everyones is so intelligent, warm and encouraging. I really appreciate it and for my first time ever doing something like this, it's really awesome. I love the straight dope.
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Old 02-12-2013, 05:44 PM
Silence Lenore Silence Lenore is offline
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Yes, my sister developed a raging hatred for me when her life went into the shitter and she was forced to see my life up close. She'd just lost her home, we had just purchased ours, something neither she or I thought would happen. She is divorced and very bitter, has been many years. Angrier still to see we, who couldn't be arsed to actually walk down the aisle, coming up on our 25th anniversary, while she was still alone and miserable. Now throw in that with a math degree and years of experience in IT, she could not find work, while we, who have always been lowly servers seem always to easily find employment and earn well. I suspect another factor was that while she has spent a lifetime talking about altruist feelings, she arrived at my home when I was receiving lots of respect and props for ongoing caregiving for a bedridden loved one, for many years. But the real kicker, I believe was coming into a magical reunion with a beautiful and accomplished daughter I had surrendered to adoption as a teenager. Unfortunately this coincided with the appropriate yet trying times of her own daughter, and last child, leaving home, and her alone.

Ultimately I feel it was because she had very low expectations for me, and pretty high ones for herself. To suddenly see herself failing, where she never imagined, and then the double whammy of getting an up close look at the blessings I received, but in her eyes never deserved, was just too much for her to handle. I can kind of see why too, she felt she was more deserving of these things than I. I suppose I had always believed as she did, that I was the fuck up and she was by the book doing all the 'right' things, as opposed to my struggling and wandering, somewhat randomly from one thing to another.

It hurt a great deal to realize she was pissed because my life didn't crash and burn as she'd expected. That I had exceeded expectations, made her mad at me, not happy for me. As I'd been unaware, all along that this was how she viewed me, I was much taken aback indeed. I was extremely hurt..............
Wow. Change a few details and that could have been written by me. Reading that last part about your sister being mad because you exceeded expectations put into words what I had not been able to.
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:07 PM
LurkerInNJ LurkerInNJ is offline
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[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]But she would always have negative things to say to me and would always want to prove she was better. I have always had bigger boobs than her and a curvier bottom. [/COLOR]
Looks like she isn't the only one who felt she had something to prove, and to complete strangers no less

Congrats on the bigger boobs and curvier bottom. Those were important points to make.
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:17 PM
Labrador Deceiver Labrador Deceiver is online now
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Lab receiver? I never said it was youth. They have women's softball.
Oh, I see. When you said you travelled together, I thought you meant for softball.
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:18 PM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Thank you! Lurker in NJ
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Old 02-12-2013, 06:20 PM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Oh, I see. When you said you travelled together, I thought you meant for softball.
Ya. We traveled together playing women's softball. They have women's tournaments all of the United States.
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Old 02-14-2013, 03:36 AM
Doggo Doggo is offline
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7
That's the magic post number that first mentioned the font. I thought it would be sooner than that!

I just came in here to amoeba my similar situation to this one. I have a sister in law that just hates me for some reason. For the life of me I can't figure out why. Upon meeting my wife for the first time; the first words out of her mouth were "I got the good one." Really? No "Nice to meet you," or a simple "Hello?" I'm not sure we've spoken since then. I organized a family reunion which she was suddenly to ill to attend. She sent some homemade jelly to my brother and sister; but didn't send any to me. It doesn't bother me per-se; except the digging curiosity of what makes me such an undesirable person. I might add, similar to some of the examples above; she's kind of a self loathing kind of person it seems. Whatever...
Similar story. My middle aged sister married a guy that according to her was the most amazing guy in the world. Unfortunately, he took an instant dislike to me, for no reason that I can acertain, so now I have to work out how to see her without him around. I don't have anything against him, but his hate vibe is so strong, I feel uncomfortable when he's around.
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Old 02-14-2013, 05:25 AM
Maastricht Maastricht is offline
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I think it funny that people assume there must be a reason for people to hate them. Jealousy, real or imagined slights....""she hates me because of X, so if I do Y, it will become better"

Psychology says there are roughly three groups of reasons people don't get along. The tree groups of reasons are arbitrary and have lots of overlap, but it might explain it a bit.

1. Psychologically, internal. Or: "bitches and dudes is crazy". These are the difficult people, the people with personality disorders, the ones that go through friends and aqaintances (and the life opportunities they offer) like they go trough bags of nachos. Sooner or later, they fall out witth everyone but the ones that are macochistic enough to put up with their shit. If you have a fall out with someone like this, it isn't your fault and there is very little you can do to make the relationship better. Past experiences are pretty much a guarantee of future results. You might help your sister with practical stuff like the phones, but it won''t really help-help her, and it will cost you wayy to much.
What complicates issues is that most people in this situation can't accept that this is the case, and they make up reasons. If you take those reasons at face value and try to adress them, you might as well dig holes on the beach near the surf, pour the mud and water in buckets, and haul the buckets to the sea to empty them there. That is about as useful and probably less tiring, and certainly wreaks less havoc on your peace of mind and your self-esteem.


2. Psychological, relational. Here we have two otherwise reasonable people,and for some irrational reason, one just can't stand the other. Sometimes the feeling is mutual. (the theory of Core qualities and -allergies is useful here) Some people just rub each other the wrong way. I am not talking about initial dislike (say the first three times you interact); that often changes. But if you've worked or interacted together more then five times and you keep being annoyed, there's just personal dislike and it won't go away. It is no-ones fault, neither person is bad, but the best thing for each of you is to interact as little as you can and to keep things professional, short and businesslike.

3. Psychological, misunderstanding. This is the scenario that leads to Hollywood happy endings. This is where a good talk can help immensely. Here both partners were stuck in their insecurities and feelings of resentment, and when they talk openly, violin music begins to play. "I always resented you were moms favourite." "But she kept on talking about how I should take care of her because you were the smart one and destined to study and become someone!". Note: the healing usually begins when people stop accusing and admitting their own part. Also note how this strategy is completely irrational, self destructive and dangerous when you are dealing with someone from secanrio 1, above.

4. Material, relational. This is where Anna hates Bob because Bob royally screwed Anna over. Anna can forgive Bob, or not. Usually it depends on if Anna an Bob still have to offer each other anything, even if it is just dancing the Codependency Waltz together. Note that imagined slights like like "you left the care of mom to me" or "" you were always jealous of me and that is why you..." can very well actually be misunderstandings like mentioned in 3.

Really, think it over, Pooty. Would you really hate anyone just because they're doing better or worse in life then you? There would be no end to people you''d have to dislike. It just doesn't work that way.
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Old 02-14-2013, 08:57 AM
PunditLisa PunditLisa is offline
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Am I the only one who thought this was going to be a Penthouse forum letter? The whole "I'm, blonde, 5'7", green eyes, athletic" thing was...odd.

Okay, assuming that this is a serious post:

Your sister has ruined her life. She will be spending the next decade behind bars. She has deeply impacted the life of a 13 year old boy. She's blown up her own innocent family, and undoubtedly bankrupted them as well with legal fees. Think for a moment what her husband and children must be going through, just going to school/work. They've lost their wife and mother not to a noble death, but to a scandal of her own making. She's a convicted felon and sex offender, and will be a pariah in the community when she is released. She'll have difficulty ever getting a decent job.

And in the midst of all that pain and turmoil, your reaction is "Why does my sister hate me?"

I think a better question is, "Why did I capitalize 'My' in the OP"?
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Old 02-14-2013, 09:22 AM
LurkerInNJ LurkerInNJ is offline
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Originally Posted by PunditLisa View Post
Am I the only one who thought this was going to be a Penthouse forum letter? The whole "I'm, blonde, 5'7", green eyes, athletic" thing was...odd.

And in the midst of all that pain and turmoil, your reaction is "Why does my sister hate me?"
No, you weren't the only one. The "I have always had bigger boobs than her and a curvier bottom" did it for me.

Last edited by LurkerInNJ; 02-14-2013 at 09:23 AM..
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  #40  
Old 02-14-2013, 09:25 AM
Stink Fish Pot Stink Fish Pot is offline
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Cut her out of your life now. Pronto. I know this is not going to be easy for you, since you haven't done it on your own yet, and some stranger on the internet giving you advice is worth exaclty what you paid for it, however....

She is using you. Because she can. Because you let her. Until you say "no" directly to her, or stop talking to her on the phone, or whatever, she will continue to hound you to do things for her.

Her boob competition with you seems to be the least of her problems. She seems very unhappy with herself and her low self esteem causes her to make poor decisions and use everyone around her. She cheated on two husbands? She used her husbands AND the guys she cheated with to get whatever it was she was searching for. Whatever that is, is not your problem. You also don't have an obligation to figure it out for her.

She won't change. And the fact that she slept witha 13 y.o. child just shows that she does not have the ability to make good decisions. I have no idea what her psychological problem is, but she has one, and it has nothing to do with you. You cannot make her like you. She will only act like she likes you in order to get what she needs from you. Don't take it personally... She treats everyone in her life the exact same way.

Please, for your sake and for your family's sake... Let this go. You owe her nothing. I understand the desire to want a sibling to like you, but ask yourself this question. If you weren't related, would you be friends with her? I'm betting the answer is no. You aren't obligated to her just because you share parents.
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  #41  
Old 02-14-2013, 09:28 AM
Magiver Magiver is offline
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Originally Posted by Ibanez View Post
Want to know why she suddenly likes you ?

First off she probably still doesn't like you. But she probably went through her short list of people, whom turned her all down and she got to you on the list. She's going to try an wrangle you into doing things for that she can't do because she's locked up. She's using you. Don't give in. If my sibling treated me like that, and all of a sudden hand a change of heart. I wouldn't waste two seconds telling her, no it ain't happening. Get some one else to do your shit on the outside for you. Before you know it, she'll be asking you to buy her cartons of cigarettes and candy bars.
This.

And it's not a function of her not liking or respecting you. She apparently doesn't like or respect anybody. The question I would as you is why do you care what such a person thinks about you? I'd be cutting her out of family photo's at this point.
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  #42  
Old 02-14-2013, 11:58 PM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Originally Posted by Maastricht View Post
I think it funny that people assume there must be a reason for people to hate them. Jealousy, real or imagined slights....""she hates me because of X, so if I do Y, it will become better"



Really, think it over, Pooty. Would you really hate anyone just because they're doing better or worse in life then you? There would be no end to people you''d have to dislike. It just doesn't work that way.
this is really good, thank you for this!
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  #43  
Old 02-15-2013, 12:08 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Originally Posted by Stink Fish Pot View Post
Cut her out of your life now. Pronto. I know this is not going to be easy for you, since you haven't done it on your own yet, and some stranger on the internet giving you advice is worth exactly what you paid for it, however....


Her boob competition with you seems to be the least of her problems.



Please, for your sake and for your family's sake... Let this go. You owe her nothing. I understand the desire to want a sibling to like you, but ask yourself this question. If you weren't related, would you be friends with her? I'm betting the answer is no. You aren't obligated to her just because you share parents.
of all the advise, you really understand what i am saying.. and you are right i wouldn't be friends with her and i did feel obligated, and still do. the boob and body competition was what i was trying to explain..not that i am "bragging" which i wasn't, she just always made me feel very self conscience about myself, and i even believed her that i wasn't as pretty as she was, when we looked exactly alike, and with her being 6 years older and talking about me negatively about me since i was 15, and her being 21 at the time..and this went on every time we were together until i was 32 years old..so, thanks for having a nice response to that.
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  #44  
Old 02-15-2013, 12:19 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Originally Posted by LurkerInNJ View Post
No, you weren't the only one. The "I have always had bigger boobs than her and a curvier bottom" did it for me.
you again, so it did it for you.. funny name..lurker usually doesn't comment and is that creepy guy that wasn't invited to the party.

I described myself because we looked alike and since i was 15 years old to my 30's she always had negative things to say about me. i remembered her also saying to my mom, at 16 years old, "why did she get the big boobs and butt?" i guess i worded that wrong, but in my whole life i wonder still now why she would do that to her little sister. i actually looked at myself as fat when i wasn't. so my story is being picked apart, when all i am doing is trying to get advise to figure this out..this is all so new to me.

so i am getting good advise on here, thanks everyone
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  #45  
Old 02-15-2013, 12:25 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Originally Posted by PunditLisa View Post

I think a better question is, "Why did I capitalize 'My' in the OP"?
weird question... but, I'll answer it.... because this was my very first time to ever write on one of these for advise and i didn't know how to title it, so my first one was.. "My sister hates me" but i changed it to "Why does my sister hate me" i forgot to change "my" to lower case...

and my body comment was only to explain that we looked alike and she made fun of my looks.

other than all that, thanks for your advise, you really did have good things to say!
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  #46  
Old 02-15-2013, 12:29 AM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Originally Posted by Magiver View Post
This.

And it's not a function of her not liking or respecting you. She apparently doesn't like or respect anybody. The question I would as you is why do you care what such a person thinks about you? I'd be cutting her out of family photo's at this point.
that is so true! i haven't looked at it that way! thanks
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  #47  
Old 02-16-2013, 09:33 AM
PunditLisa PunditLisa is offline
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Originally Posted by Pooty View Post
weird question... but, I'll answer it....
I asked why you capitalized "My" because people usually only capitalize pronouns when they are referring to God: "Let me do Your will."

My point was that I find it odd that in the middle of all the turmoil you described, your thought is "Why does my sister hate me?" It's kind of like Ted Bundy's neighbor asking, "Why didn't Ted ever wave to me?"
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  #48  
Old 02-16-2013, 10:20 AM
Apocalypso Apocalypso is offline
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I have a sister who is on drugs and has quite a few problems, including legal issues, resulting from her drug addiction. Some other members of my family are in denial or try to "help" her anyway, not realizing they are enabling her.

We have never been close because she's always been very self-centered and even when we were kids would frequently take advantage of and use other people. But now I really don't want anything to do with her. There is nothing I can do to actually help because she doesn't want help.

I do love her deep down but even before she was doing drugs we were very different and I don't think we'd ever be close no matter what. So I basically try to be polite to her but I also try to avoid her as much as possible. I can't help her. Trying to help her would mean being taken advantage of and getting caught up in her problems and be no benefit to either of us. Sometimes with addiction all you can do is let people hit bottom and realize on their own that they can't continue to live that way, that they need serious help. Sometimes (or maybe even usually) you need to push them away from you to help them or make them realize they need help. It's hard, they will look at you as a traitor who refused to stand by them when they are having problems. But if you stand by them they'll drag you down with them.

My mom is still in denial about the whole thing. My dad has been for a long time but is starting to realize that paying her bills, giving her rides "to her friends" rather than letting her walk in the cold, paying $300 for her groceries, is just making things worse. Whenever my parents or someone else in the family brings up my sister I try to keep my answers short and non-commital "Hmmm...yeah I don't know" and things along those lines. It's not that I don't care. It's that this is going to be a serious trainwreck and I can either stand next to it and get caught in the carnage or I can try to get as far from it as I can. I can't do anything to stop the train or make it do less damage.
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  #49  
Old 02-16-2013, 10:36 AM
Tollhouse Tollhouse is offline
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Pooty

Sometimes its the younger sibling jealous of the older one. In my case my sister started to build jealousy towards me according to our mom when I was the one who got to start preschool first. She would scream and cry and have fits about wanting to go too but she had to wait, and would walk with my mom to bring me to preschool every day and would bang on the door demanding to go too. As we got older and I got to be the first to do milestone stuff she became more resentful. I was the first to.....you know firstborn stuff that younger siblings resent sometimes. As we got older I just gave up attempting to be close to her because inside she was still that angry two year old mad at me for going to school first, it was irrational I realized and several other people who knew us closely said it seemed like she was jealous. When I realized what the roots were it helped me know what I was dealing with and although still very painful at least I realized and even could have some empathy for how it felt to her growing up.
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  #50  
Old 02-16-2013, 01:12 PM
Pooty Pooty is offline
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Originally Posted by PunditLisa View Post
I asked why you capitalized "My" because people usually only capitalize pronouns when they are referring to God: "Let me do Your will."

My point was that I find it odd that in the middle of all the turmoil you described, your thought is "Why does my sister hate me?" It's kind of like Ted Bundy's neighbor asking, "Why didn't Ted ever wave to me?"
This is seriously one of the weirdest things I've ever heard.. She is not a God to me. I only have one God that I worship.
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