I want to move across country, but my dad is getting older and will need me...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is going to be kind of long so I appreciate anyone who gets through it and offers kind words of advice.

Our family is from Virginia.

My dad has had a pretty hard life. He was emotionally (maybe physically) abused as a kid. His mother died 2 weeks before I (his first child) was born, my younger brother died at home at the age of 5, my mother had a series of affairs culminating with with a relationship with an underage black (it’s the south, interracial was a big deal) kid it heir home.

I have another brother and we both have endured emotional and physical abuse from both of our parents. It was pretty bad…'nuff said.

He remarried into a classic white trash family that is only interested in partying and mooching in one way or the other. Seriously, take every bad redneck stereotype and they are worse. (Hey its Christmas Eve, lets go to a family dinner and watch gramma drink wine and Jaegermeister until she pukes!)

He makes terrible life choices. He drives drunk frequently. He recently drive the wrong way down the interstate in the way home from a bender.

He retired with a decent amont of money. I was in the financial industry so I managed it for him. In the early 2000s we grew his $200k into about $500k. I left the company and he would discuss his finances with me. Unbeknownst to me he withdrew the money, paying an early withdrawal penalty and taxes, to invest on his own. He did well mostly because the market was doing well.

He inherited money from the death of his father and his aunt. His portfolio was almost $1,000,000. He read about a “sure thing” of a pharm stock that was about to get a drug FDA approved. He invested and lost. He chased the stock all the way down until the company bankrupted. He chased several other defense contractors and medical companies that were “sure things” and lost…now he has less than $50k. When I found out about his risky investing (gambling) I begged him to get out, or at least take half out to be safe. He didn’t. Now he is 65 and has blown his retirement and his inheritance. He only has social security as income and is reliant in his wife to work to pay their mortgage.

He has had a bad right ankle for 30 years. As a result his left knee needed to be replaced last year. He did not listen to the docs or the rehab folks and it healed poorly and still causes him great pain 18 months later. He now needs his right hip replaced. I have no expectation that his will go better. Physically he is going downhill fast.

He has been antidepressants for years. Obviosuly there is emotional and mental illness going on. It’s not going to get better, and I only anticipate it getting worse as he ages.

My brother distanced himself from our parent pretty early in his adult life. They are still friendly and he visits, but he has made his life decisions based in what he wants without concern for what others want (and other than being jealous of his ability to do this, I completely respect him for it). He and his wife have travelled the country as travel nurses and now have just settled in Los Angeles.

My wife and I just returned from LA and it was great. I loved being with my brother and his wife. They really want us to move out there and to establish ourselves as a family. I have to admit between loving California and really loving being with my brother, it really is appealing. We have kids and we want to get them out of the bible thumping south. I would much rather them be surrounded by my brother and his as family than the WT family my dad married into.

My dad has told me (and I have suspected) that he has considered suicide. His health, his finances, his family, have all fallen apart. He has dealt with heartache and it is obvious the decisions he has made have made his golden years perilous at best. He is going to need someone to help him as he ages. I am the only one who would do it.

I want to move to Cali with my brother, but I am concerned for my father. Physically and emotionally he his teetering on the edge. If I left, taking the grand kids he adores, I am not sure how he would handle it.

Thoughts?

2

Seems to me like the bad choices your father made are his own and you owe very little to him/will be better off moving away.

3

Agreed. But I don’t want to add to his already sad life by taking away the only real family he has.

And I realize this is probably not the healthiest position. That’s why I am posting, to get other points of view.

My dad is a good guy who has made bad decisions and has had bad things happen. At the end of the day, I am not angry with him, and don’t want to cause him more pain.

4

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. Can you explain why this is your responsibility? There is one part that stands out: “He is going to need someone to help him as he ages. I am the only one who would do it.” That is probably true, but it doesn’t confer any obligation on you. You don’t have to spend years sacrificing yourself for a parent. Really—not your responsibity. (Any familial duty is shared with your brother, anyway, and he manages from California: you can too.)

  • He had a horrible childhood. I’m sorry. That’s truly terrible. But it’s kind of irrelevant to your role here. It explains who he is but not why it’s your job to look after him.

  • He is fiscally irresponsible. Again, that does not mean you have to step in. He will probably just be a drain on your resources. If someone was worth $1 million and lost it through foolishness, that’s a pretty stark statement that nothing you can do will solve the problem. Sometimes you have to love and pity from a healthy distance.

  • He is getting older. Yes. He is not the first irresponsible mentally ill person to do so in the state of Virginia (or anywhere else), and most of them managed without you.

I hate to sound like an advice columnist, but I think you should get some counselling to deal with the guilt you’re feeling, and some moving boxes. One further thing to consider, though, is are you considering California just because it’s away from your father and his toxic family in VA? It sounds a bit like you are thinking “but I HAVE to live near family, so California is the only escape possible!” My apologies if I’m reading that wrong—perfectly reasonable to want to live near nice family. It’s just you seem to feel a really deep sense of guilt with regard to your father.

ETA: the point about his “only family”—no you’re not. You said he married into a white trash family. That’s no blood, but it is kin. They will step up in their own way. His choice.

5

California because I really enjoy spending time with my brother and his wife, and California is great.

We have considered moving to a couple of other places, much closer. My wife graduates from nursing school in December so until then…we wait.

I don’t feel guilt about my father, I just feel sorry for him. If I were to leave, he would feel abandoned and so alone. The WT family would absolutely not step up. I just feel this pressing responsibility to take care of my parent as he gets older and I don’t think that is unusual.

Counseling…yeah I could use someone to talk to about this.

6

You have a greater responsibility to your children than your father. If you think moving is best for them (and you wish to move), I’d say that trumps your obligation to your father.

7

Go.

You are not leaving some frail invalid who cannot shop or get around if you are not there to help him.

You can phone or Skype and keep in touch.

Do not let guilt ruin your plans and cause you to be bitter later in life.

Keep in touch, call frequently, but by all means: Go!

8

That clarifies things, thanks. If he feels abandoned, that’s on him—you’re moving for you, your wife, and your children. You’re not responsible for your father’s reaction.

9

Your father is living the life he chose.

Go live yours.
If something comes up it can be handled without undue sacrifice. Never make a life decision for yourself based on somebody else’s needs. Circumstances can change overnight and your sacrifice might not even be relevent.

And you can’t fix the past, not even your own. Make a future.

10

Go.

If your dad really really really wants to be with you and his grandchild, he can move to CA himself.

11

Your dad made the choices that put him where he is now, frequently disregarding your sound advice along the way. He chose to make risky investments, pissed away his life savings, and will likely end up in a nursing home someday. That’s a natural consequence of his poor decision-making. Rescuing him from the natural consequences of his choices will only make your family miserable. It won’t change him or make him a better person in the future. It will merely reinforce that you’ll always be there to bail him out, no matter how poorly he treats you.

Also, it sounds like you think your dad will kill himself if you leave. What you don’t realize is, even if he did, it wouldn’t be your fault. I can understand the guilt and responsibility that you feel for his welfare. But his mental health is neither your responsibility nor something that’s even under your purview! It sounds like he has a good wife, and they are perfectly capable of making life work without you. Just because they’ve never HAD to make life work without you doesn’t mean they cannot.

So: set him up with a webcam and skype account before you go. Then: go. Do not put your life on hold for his. A good parent wouldn’t ask that of their child in the first place, you know? He wasn’t a good parent, so maybe he is asking these things of you (or has brainwashed enough guilt into you that you feel bogged down by an implicit request). He can make it without you. And ask yourself (or a therapist): why do you feel so responsible for his poor choices? He damn well made them while ignoring your input. If he wants to kill himself, he’ll damn well do that too–whether you stay or not.

12

Take care of yourself. My mom has been dealing with similar stuff for the past five years. She’s about to take a three day vacaction. She feels selfish.

Do what’s good for you.

13

I moved 6,000 miles away from my family. 26 years ago. Not one regret. When my husband died my mother asked if I was coming home. HA! I said I am home.

I say go~

14

Now how ca I politely tell you that you are all wrong?

:wink:

I know you are all right. I just need to convince myself.

FWIW I have been doing research on condos and schools.

Thank you all.

15

I agree with the idea that if he wants your support, I am sure you would help him get to California and find a place to stay.

When you were a child, he took care of you, but you certainly did not get to dictate where the family lived. Now it’s your turn to live your life, and he can choose how much of that he wants to be a part of.

16

Here in South Florida, we have a ton of retired people who need help, and don’t have family nearby. Depending on their ability, they live in private houses, retirement communities, nursing homes, etc. My parents, for instance, live in a huge community called Kings Point. It has a series of condos, townhouses, and detached houses. Mom and Dad are in the condos.

The community has a huge clubhouse with weights, meeting rooms, etc. There is a nice auditorium for movies and shows. There is a free bus that goes from building to building, and also goes to stores in the area. The strip malls nearby cater to the residents.

These people all do quite well without family taking care of them directly
That being said…and my situation is very different from yours… I live about 10 minutes from my parents. My only sister used to live about five hours away. I was so thankful when she decided to move back down here, in large part to help me take care of Mom and Dad, when needed. (Take care of tends to mean be in the hospital waiting room with one when the other is having surgery.)

17

What someone else said – your kids are more important. If moving to CA is in their best interest, that’s what you should do.

18

He is an alcoholic who abused you. You may have reached some level of peace, or at least some sort of coping mechanism, but even if you stay, there is presumably a limit to how much you can responsibly expose your kids to him anyway.

19

I don’t have any profound advice for you but I do sympathize. We’ve posted elsewhere on the boards but to recap: my husband’s parents are broke. A lifetime of less-than-optimal employment history, and some bad choices in recent years. They had an inheritance from a parent that was enough for them to move to Florida and pay cash for a condo, then some stuff happened and they moved… to a new place with mortgage, while they carried that first condo for 2+ years before it sold for far less than they paid… then MIL got seriously ill.

So now they’re bankrupt, haven’t paid the mortgage in 6 months, their only source of funds is Social Security, and their fixed expenses are enough to live on if they don’t pay any housing expenses. And yet they’re too “rich” for any kind of assistance.

We’re the nearest, physically - at 1,000 miles away. They’ve prevented us from having any insight into their finances, even when we’ve flat out asked. Of the 3 adult kids, we’re the only ones in any kind of financial position to help at all (and we can’t do enough, by a long shot).

So we fret, from a distance, as they shoot down pretty much every idea other than “move back North and live in SIL’s basement”.

I really think you have to do what’s right for you, but there is the very real worry that if you’re some distance away you won’t be able to see problems on a day-to-day basis and things can get out of control. A friend had that happen with her mother (lived with mentally-ill brother, dementia set in, hoarding, house quite literally had to be condemned, 10s of thousands to clean it up enough to sell).

20

It is not going to be that easy for you to just pack up and leave and cut ties, even to the extent that you are intending to. How about some questions:

How is your wife reacting to all this?
What about your kids?
What will you do if Dad needs to move in with you tomorrow?
Come to think of it, can’t dad move to Cali with you, or are you just trying to get away?

In the end, however, you cannot be responsible for another adult. Dad is going to make his mistakes or not make them. And are you willing to put your own life on hold for him?

Good luck. You do not have an easy decision in front of you. And I speak as someone who did cut off their parents, and am now facing something similar with an aging dad - but mine is thankfully very financially savvy and will be OK even if I move out of the area.