Help! Recipe for a shitty cook required

Cafe Society
1

For a shitty cook to prepare, that is. Not to make a shitty cook.

It’s my anniversary and I’m going to make dinner for my wife, but I have virtually no culinary skills. In Home Economics I was able to follow directions and generally came up with what I was supposed to, but as far as natural ability to make edible things, no. My ability to prepare things without constantly referring to a recipe card is basically limited to eggs, bacon, and pizza (with premade crust).

Also, my wife is a pescatarian, and hence meat is out.

Anyway, if anyone knows a recipe that’s really, really, really easy to make and doesn’t involve meat, that would be great. I’m not really concerned about how much the ingredients cost or any of that stuff.

2

2 salmon steaks
Asparagus
Chardonnay
Shallots
Half and Half
Flour
Dijon mustard

Steam asparagus

Pepper salmon (use white pepper if appearance is important). Fry in skillet on a medium heat until flaky.

Chop the shallot finely and mix with 1/3 cup chardonnay. Boil in sauce pan and then simmer til reduced by about 2 tablespoons. Blend a cup of half and half with a 1/4 cup flour and add to wine sauce. Heat to boiling and remove from heat, stirring constantly til thickened. Add a tablespoon dijon mustard.

Pour sauce over fish and a little bit on the asparagus for appearances. Sprinkle dill over fish. Serve.

3

Zanzibar Fish Soup
serves 6-8
2 T peanut oil
2 celery stalks, sliced
2 leeks (white and pale green parts only), sliced
1 large white onion, diced
2 tsp curry powder
1 green chile, diced
3 cloves garlic diced
1 bunch fresh cilantro chopped (keep a little aside for garnish)
2 medium tomatoes, peeled and chopped
6 c. fish stock
1 13.5oz can coconut milk
1 lb 1" thick white fish fillets (cod haddock or sea bass) cut into 1/2" cubes
juice of 2 limes

Heat oil in a dutch oven or large pot over med high heat.
Add celery, leeks, and onion. Saute until tender (I saute til they brown a little for flavor).
Add curry powder chili, garlic, and cilantro and cook for one minute.
Add tomatoes and stock and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and simmer for 10 min.
Add coconut milk and fish. Simmer 10 more minutes.
Add lime juice.
Season with salt and pepper.
Garnish with sprigs of cilantro.
Serve with some crusty bread.

4

How about something Italian? If you can follow directions, a veggie lasagne is pretty simple to make (seriously, if you use a favorite jarred sauce, it’s basically assembling, versus cooking: example. Maybe an antipasto, minus the meat, maybe add some seafood (smaller quantities, obviously, but again - it’s assembly, not cooking.) Buy some nice bread from the market. Zabaglione is actually a pretty simple dessert to make. Or just buy something.

Happy anniversary, and good luck!

5

My wife actually made this on Friday, though with peas instead of asparagus. :smiley: Otherwise I’d do that.

I don’t think you quite understand how bad I am at this stuff, though. “Steam asparagus” might as well be a kind of nineteenth century locomotive for all I know.

6

Is a saute pan the same thing as a frying pan?

7

Buy something you wife would like from a restaurant that she has not yet tried. Take it home and transfer it onto you own bowls and plates, spill some of the drippings/crumbs etc. in the kitchen, and be sure to hide the containers it came in.

8

Make some sushi – that way you don’t have to cook anything but rice, and a rice cooker can make that idiot proof.

9

My way: stand asparagus in pot with an inch of water. Boil with lid on until asparagus is delicious.

Slightly more work but makes people feel more comfortable way: Buy this and slice the asparagus into chunks that will fit. Place in pot with an inch of water on the bottom, cover and boil til delicious.

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Basically. A saute pan has straight vertical sides while a frying pan is sloped. But for a home cook, whatever you’re doing can probably be done equally well in either.

11

Pasta with shrimp pesto:

1 lb shrimp- you can buy frozen shrimp pre-peeled, or easy peel, or buy fresh shrimp
1 lb pasta of your choice (spaghetti is fine)
1/2 a small jar of pre-cooked pesto sauce (available in the same aisle as pasta and spaghetti sauce)
Parmesan cheese to taste
salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons Italian seasoning blend
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped into small pieces
2 cloves (not heads!) of garlic, chopped into small pieces
(optional) 1/2 lb chopped mushrooms, green pepper, and any other veggies you like

For the sauce:

-put olive oil in a good-sized frying or saute pan, heat to med high, wait for pan to get hot (a few minutes)
-add onions and garlic (and other veggies, if applicable)
-stir frequently for about 10 minutes
-add peeled, defrosted shrimp, cook for 5 more minutes while stirring- shrimp should quickly turn pink
-add the pesto sauce (1/2 of the jar) and Italian seasoning blend
-lower heat to medium-low, stir occasionally, cook another 10 minutes or so

For the pasta:

-Fill a medium to large pot about 2/3rds full of water
-heat on “high”
-when water is boiling, add all the pasta
-stir occasionally, cook (on high) for the time on the box (probably about 7-10 minutes, depending on the type of pasta)
-drain pasta

If you start both at the same time, the pasta will probably be ready a few minutes before the sauce. Season the sauce with salt, pepper, and parmesean cheese to taste. Enjoy!

12

I hope you’re kidding. “Until asparagus is delicious” is far too vague for the inexperienced, such as me and perhaps the OP. That’s why I hate instructions like “season to taste.”

13

When a cook says sauteing, they mean what most people would call frying. To a professional chef, real frying is when you immerse something in hot oil. Sauteing (or shallow frying) is when you cook something by putting it on a hot oily surface. So you fry french fries and you saute hamburgers.

14

Steam asparagus for a couple minutes. Try a piece. Is it tasty? Yes? Stop steaming. No? Keep steaming. Repeat until tasty = true.

I could give a time limit but that would only put you in the neighborhood of how I like my asparagus. Perhaps RNATB or you would like it less or more tender. You’re not going to cook it into a mush or burn it or anything and undercooking it won’t make you sick so there’s absolutely no risk to trial and error here.

15

Lasagna. It’s incredibly easy.

Use the best jarred sauce you can find. You can use vegetarian sausage, or slices of eggplant, or just cheese, sauce, and noodles is perfectly fine.

16

Pasta is really easy for almost anyone to pull off and the measurements need not be exact. And you can make it fancy just by the ingredients you purchase.

I you have a nice gourmet grocery store get some cool looking pasta. Any shape or color or length you like.

Some good bread.

Buy some fresh basil, a jar of chopped garlic, some nice olive oil, a tomato, some fort of nice green vegetable(asparags, snap peas, spinach.)

Find some nice looking shrimp or some sort of good looking seafood that you feel you can handle. shrimp is easiest though because the color change basically tells you when it is done.

I will make it super easy for you.

Shopping list
Pasta (maybe some basil linguine)
Olive oil
Shrimp (large ones look cool and seem fancy and look like you know what you are doing)
Jar of chopped or crushed garlic
Peas of any kind, spinach, or Asparagus.
a tomato
A loaf of nice bread
A bottle of nice wine
A glass bottle of nice water.
flowers
Buy a cool looking dessert. preferably one you will not have to cut.(Chocolate covered strawberries, individual sliced cake or cheese cake)Maybe a bakeryor gormet store will help you
Set the table
With glasses for water and wine or whatever beverage.
bottle opener.
Put the wine and bottle of water on the table as well
Silverware and napkin
Bread in a basket or cutting board
and the flowers
Put the desserts on a plate and put back in the fridge for easy access when the time arises.
Put on the music.

Cook the pasta.
Drain
Add a tiny bit of oil to prevent sticking.
Set aside.

Chop up your veggies and basil in any fashion. Remove or discard anything that does not look delicious.
Take the shrimp out of the bag. Remove shells if present.
Set aside

Put a large skillet/pan on med heat
put in some olive oil, just to lightly coat the pan. You can add more or some butter later if you feel it needs it.
add a spoon of garlic.Cook till you can smell it.
Throw everything else in.
plus a bit of salt and pepper. dont over do the salt, pepper have more leeway.
Cook till the shrimp changes color
Add pasta.
Stir around
Turn off heat.
Serve.

Give yourself two hours.
30 min to set the table nice.
30 min or so to get your kitchen in order and prepare the ingredients
30 min to cook
30 min extra if a problem arises.

It may take less time that is Okay. the pasta will be fine. You can turn the heat back on to warm it up some if need be.
Move slowly and methodically don’t allow for any distractions.

I am sure someone will chime in on ways to improve this dish but it is easy and will be great and anyone of nearly any skill level can impress with it. You are not ready for improvements.

The atmosphere you create with the table setting and smooth cool demeanor will take you farther than your cooking ability. What ever food you decide on do please remember this.

Oh and never stop cleaning. Try your best to toss everything in the dishwasher as you go.

17

Thanks for all the advice so far. Right now I am leaning towards andy or fifty-six’s pasta/shrimp deals.

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Saute is a technique, and literally means “jump.” When you see a chef tossing the ingredients of a pan to make them flip backwards that is sauteing.

For that salmon and asparagus recipe above… you can cook everything in the same pan and simply finish with butter, lemon juice and a teaspoon of capers. Serve with rice. Rice is easy: 1 cup water 1/2 half cup rice, simmer on low for 20 mins.

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I am sorry iiandyiiii I did not read through the thread properly. That is a great one. Both of ours are very similar. I was not trying to trump your good suggestion.

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I’m not so sure about that distinction. The latter I’ve aways heard chefs refer to as “deep frying,” not just frying. As mentioned above sauteeing involves moving the food around, and it also generally involves small, cut-up ingredients rather than larger ones like pan frying does.

For example, you might fry up some pork chops or hamburgers or eggs. You sautee chopped onions and vegetables. You might shallow fry (where the meat is partially submerged in oil and then flipped) Southern-style fried chicken or your might deep fry fried chicken (when you dump the entire piece under oil.) I’ve personally never heard frying on its own to specifically mean “deep frying,” by anything other than context.