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  #1  
Old 05-10-2013, 08:10 AM
Nars Glinley Nars Glinley is offline
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On the advice of my attorney I have.....

Whimsical thread about potential lawyerly advice wherein each post begins with the phrase "On the advice of my attorney, I have".

On the advice of my attorney, I have decided to wear pants today.
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  #2  
Old 05-10-2013, 08:17 AM
Prof. Pepperwinkle Prof. Pepperwinkle is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have decided not to take his advice.
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  #3  
Old 05-10-2013, 08:19 AM
Jack Batty Jack Batty is offline
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My attorney has advised me not to post to this thread.
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  #4  
Old 05-10-2013, 08:27 AM
Smeghead Smeghead is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have decided to pay my legal bills rather than buy food for my family.

My attorney's kind of a dick, to be honest.

On the advice of my attorney, I have decided to no longer be honest.

Last edited by Smeghead; 05-10-2013 at 08:27 AM..
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  #5  
Old 05-10-2013, 08:38 AM
Diceman Diceman is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have decied to wear the orange shirt today, with kelly green pants.

(My attorney is colorblind. I probably shouldn't take fashion advice from him.)
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  #6  
Old 05-10-2013, 08:39 AM
Prof. Pepperwinkle Prof. Pepperwinkle is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have switched to decaf.
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  #7  
Old 05-10-2013, 08:49 AM
CookingWithGas CookingWithGas is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I paid him.
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Making the world a better place one fret at a time.
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  #8  
Old 05-10-2013, 08:55 AM
QuickSilver QuickSilver is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have decided that "catch me if you can" is the incorrect response to police flashing lights in my rear view mirror.
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  #9  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:08 AM
Mona Lisa Simpson Mona Lisa Simpson is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I am having coffee and rhubarb pie for breakfast.
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  #10  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:19 AM
Furious_Marmot Furious_Marmot is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have called a better attorney.
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  #11  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:22 AM
JRDelirious JRDelirious is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I must drive to Las Vegas at top speed before I turn into a wild animal.
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  #12  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:23 AM
Foggy Foggy is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have decided to stop eating burritos.
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  #13  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:27 AM
Smeghead Smeghead is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have decided to stop investigating my attorney's alleged credentials.
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  #14  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:27 AM
Spiderman Spiderman is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I'm getting a haircut & a new suit.





(Plus I still need to buy a gift for his now-expensive-for-me wedding)
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  #15  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:28 AM
Prof. Pepperwinkle Prof. Pepperwinkle is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I am now a Puerto Rican woman named Gladys.
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  #16  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:30 AM
Czarcasm Czarcasm is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have decided not to make any more decisions.
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  #17  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:32 AM
lieu lieu is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have decided to lay down the law.
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  #18  
Old 05-10-2013, 09:48 AM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is offline
I'm nice, dammit!
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On the advice of my attorney, I'm just going to sign it and be done with it.

What could go wrong??
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  #19  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:07 AM
BubbaDog BubbaDog is offline
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At the advice of my attorney I decided to have another beer.

(True Story, I had an attorney friend who would say quite often, "As your attorney I advise you to have another beer." Love that guy.))

Last edited by BubbaDog; 05-10-2013 at 10:08 AM..
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  #20  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:17 AM
Man With a Cat Man With a Cat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BubbaDog View Post
At the advice of my attorney I decided to have another beer.

(True Story, I had an attorney friend who would say quite often, "As your attorney I advise you to have another beer." Love that guy.))
I tell people that, except I do say it as their doctor. And no, I am not a doctor either.
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  #21  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:22 AM
kayaker kayaker is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I issue the following disclaimer:

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This email does not create an attorney-client relationship. Probably. If it does, it will have said it does. Although it could have created an attorney-client relationship without explicitly saying so, because the law is tricky like that, and the authoritative statements in this disclaimer are not as authoritative as they look. Suffice it to say, if you arent absolutely certain about whether or not an attorney-client relationship exists between yourself and the sender of this email, you should probably hit reply and ask for some clarity.
This email may contain confidential and/or legally privileged information. If it does, and you are not the intended recipient, then the sender hereby requests that you notify him of his mistake and destroy all copies in your possession. The sender also concedes that he is very, very stupid, and obviously should not be operating an electronic-mail machine without supervision.

The purpose of this disclaimer, in theory, is to protect the sender from whatever liability may result from the senders own failure to communicate clearly or properly send an email, even though the sender, having obtained a formal legal education, is well aware that a generic email disclaimer, even one written with that ominous language of which lawyers are so fond, is unlikely to be enforced against a party lacking a sophisticated understanding of the legal principles surrounding said disclaimer, and that in the case of a party who does understand the legal principles surrounding said disclaimer, the disclaimer merely restates what said party already knows. This disclaimer is a catch-22.

This disclaimer is not unlike the ceaseless blaring of a distant car alarma once-sincere warning that has evolved into an unpleasant nuisance, rendered meaningless by its own ubiquity. This disclaimer exists in a country where the demand for legal services is substantial enough to provide gainful employment for more than one million lawyers, virtually all of whom make liberal use of disclaimers purporting to protect themselves from the very litigiousness that pays their bills. You do the math.

This disclaimer is not especially concerned with intelligibility. Unlike the sender of this email, this disclaimer has no qualms about indulging in the more obnoxious trademarks of legalese, including but not limited to (i) the phrase including but not limited to, (ii) the use of said as an adjective, (iii) re-naming conventions that have little to no basis in vernacular English and, regardless, never actually recur (hereinafter referred to as the 1980 Atlanta Falcons), (iv) redundant, tedious, and superfluous repetition of synonymous terms, (v) ENTIRE SECTIONS OF FULLY-CAPITALIZED TEXT, PRESUMABLY INTENDED TO SAY TO THE READER, HEY! THIS IS IMPORTANT! YOU SHOULD READ THIS PART! AND REMEMBER IT!, AS IF NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THAT PHYSICALLY ENLARGING TEXT WITHOUT INCREASING THE AMOUNT OF SPACE AVAILABLE FOR SAID TEXT TO OCCUPY CREATES THE VISUAL EFFECT OF A SOLID RECTANGULAR BLOCK OF LETTERS, ROUGHLY AS CAPABLE OF IMPARTING A COHERENT THOUGHT AS A TIGHTLY-PACKED SCRABBLE BOARD, and (vi) lowercase Roman numerals.

This disclaimer exists for precisely one reasonto make this email appear more professional. This disclaimer shall not be construed as a guarantee of actual professionalism on the part of the sender. Any actual professionalism contained herein is purely coincidental and is in no way attributable to the presence of this disclaimer. While the sender of this email likes to think the professionalism with which he approaches his work speaks for itself, this disclaimer constitutes (i) begrudging acquiescence to the industry standard, or at least a superficial imitation thereof, and (ii) begrudging acceptance of the paradoxical reality that people who exchange emails with lawyers both expect to see, and pay no attention to, legal disclaimers. If you arent reading this, then this disclaimer has done its job. Its sad, pointless job. THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT INTENDED TO BE IRONIC.
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  #22  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:26 AM
Enginerd Enginerd is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I award this thread to kayaker. If his disclaimer allows it.
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  #23  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:45 AM
Nars Glinley Nars Glinley is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have stopped reading terms and conditions.
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I've decided to spend more time criticizing things I don't understand. - Dogbert
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  #24  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:48 AM
zamboniracer zamboniracer is offline
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On the advice of my attorney I have decided to read a funnier thread.
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  #25  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:52 AM
Prof. Pepperwinkle Prof. Pepperwinkle is offline
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On the advice of my attorney I have decided to switch to BetaMax.
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  #26  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:55 AM
Jack Batty Jack Batty is offline
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On the advice of Prof. Pepperwinkle's attorney, I've begun wearing an onion on my belt.
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  #27  
Old 05-10-2013, 10:59 AM
Intergalactic Gladiator Intergalactic Gladiator is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I have taken off my thong and put it on the right way.
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  #28  
Old 05-10-2013, 11:02 AM
Nars Glinley Nars Glinley is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I am taking zamboniracer to the pit.

(Not really)
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I've decided to spend more time criticizing things I don't understand. - Dogbert
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  #29  
Old 05-10-2013, 11:31 AM
Wargamer Wargamer is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I'm leaving my office to go have lunch.
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  #30  
Old 05-10-2013, 02:15 PM
CoolHandCox CoolHandCox is offline
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As your attorney, I advise you to take a hit out of the little brown bottle in my shaving kit. You won't need much, just a tiny taste. - Dr. Gonzo
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  #31  
Old 05-10-2013, 02:36 PM
Shodan Shodan is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I am pleading Guilty, asking for the mercy of the court, and stocking up on Astro-glide.

Regards,
Shodan
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  #32  
Old 05-10-2013, 02:38 PM
Enginerd Enginerd is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wargamer View Post
On the advice of my attorney, I'm leaving my office to go have lunch.
On the advice of my attorney, I'm leaving the office to go have a beer.

my attorney >> Wargamer's attorney
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  #33  
Old 05-10-2013, 02:46 PM
Doug K. Doug K. is online now
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On the advice of my attorney, I am getting away from the rat race, so I can work the soil with my hands, gently planting the little seeds and watching as the seedlings spring forth from the ground and shoost up toward the sky, because the American farmer is the backbone .... of .... do you hear fife music?
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  #34  
Old 05-10-2013, 03:15 PM
Balance Balance is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, I am redacting information as to what, exactly, my attorney advised me to do.
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  #35  
Old 05-10-2013, 04:41 PM
Regallag_The_Axe Regallag_The_Axe is offline
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On the advice of my attorney I have thrown away all my video recording devices.
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  #36  
Old 05-10-2013, 04:46 PM
kayaker kayaker is offline
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On the advice of counsel, until further notice I'm busy with my paper shredder.
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  #37  
Old 05-10-2013, 05:27 PM
Xema Xema is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mona Lisa Simpson View Post
On the advice of my attorney, I am having coffee and rhubarb pie for breakfast.
That's exactly what I had for lunch (no, really). Probably should have sought the advice of an attorney.
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  #38  
Old 05-10-2013, 05:29 PM
Ravenman Ravenman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kayaker View Post
On the advice of my attorney, I issue the following disclaimer:

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This email does not create an attorney-client relationship. Probably. If it does, it will have said it does. Although it could have created an attorney-client relationship without explicitly saying so, because the law is tricky like that, and the authoritative statements in this disclaimer are not as authoritative as they look. Suffice it to say, if you aren’t absolutely certain about whether or not an attorney-client relationship exists between yourself and the sender of this email, you should probably hit “reply” and ask for some clarity.
This email may contain confidential and/or legally privileged information. If it does, and you are not the intended recipient, then the sender hereby requests that you notify him of his mistake and destroy all copies in your possession. The sender also concedes that he is very, very stupid, and obviously should not be operating an electronic-mail machine without supervision.

The purpose of this disclaimer, in theory, is to protect the sender from whatever liability may result from the sender’s own failure to communicate clearly or properly send an email, even though the sender, having obtained a formal legal education, is well aware that a generic email disclaimer, even one written with that ominous language of which lawyers are so fond, is unlikely to be enforced against a party lacking a sophisticated understanding of the legal principles surrounding said disclaimer, and that in the case of a party who does understand the legal principles surrounding said disclaimer, the disclaimer merely restates what said party already knows. This disclaimer is a catch-22.

This disclaimer is not unlike the ceaseless blaring of a distant car alarm—a once-sincere warning that has evolved into an unpleasant nuisance, rendered meaningless by its own ubiquity. This disclaimer exists in a country where the demand for legal services is substantial enough to provide gainful employment for more than one million lawyers, virtually all of whom make liberal use of disclaimers purporting to protect themselves from the very litigiousness that pays their bills. You do the math.

This disclaimer is not especially concerned with intelligibility. Unlike the sender of this email, this disclaimer has no qualms about indulging in the more obnoxious trademarks of legalese, including but not limited to (i) the phrase “including but not limited to”, (ii) the use of “said” as an adjective, (iii) re-naming conventions that have little to no basis in vernacular English and, regardless, never actually recur (hereinafter referred to as “the 1980 Atlanta Falcons”), (iv) redundant, tedious, and superfluous repetition of synonymous terms, (v) ENTIRE SECTIONS OF FULLY-CAPITALIZED TEXT, PRESUMABLY INTENDED TO SAY TO THE READER, “HEY! THIS IS IMPORTANT! YOU SHOULD READ THIS PART! AND REMEMBER IT!”, AS IF NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THAT PHYSICALLY ENLARGING TEXT WITHOUT INCREASING THE AMOUNT OF SPACE AVAILABLE FOR SAID TEXT TO OCCUPY CREATES THE VISUAL EFFECT OF A SOLID RECTANGULAR BLOCK OF LETTERS, ROUGHLY AS CAPABLE OF IMPARTING A COHERENT THOUGHT AS A TIGHTLY-PACKED SCRABBLE BOARD, and (vi) lowercase Roman numerals.

This disclaimer exists for precisely one reason—to make this email appear more professional. This disclaimer shall not be construed as a guarantee of actual professionalism on the part of the sender. Any actual professionalism contained herein is purely coincidental and is in no way attributable to the presence of this disclaimer. While the sender of this email likes to think the professionalism with which he approaches his work speaks for itself, this disclaimer constitutes (i) begrudging acquiescence to the industry standard, or at least a superficial imitation thereof, and (ii) begrudging acceptance of the paradoxical reality that people who exchange emails with lawyers both expect to see, and pay no attention to, legal disclaimers. If you aren’t reading this, then this disclaimer has done its job. Its sad, pointless job. THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT INTENDED TO BE IRONIC.
On the advice of my attorney, I have paid him $325 to tell me what this says.

He told me, "It depends."

Last edited by Ravenman; 05-10-2013 at 05:30 PM..
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  #39  
Old 05-10-2013, 05:43 PM
jasg jasg is offline
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On the advice of my attorney, let's kill all the lawyers.

Oh, wait - that was my playwright.
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  #40  
Old 05-10-2013, 05:56 PM
Spiderman Spiderman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Regallag_The_Axe View Post
On the advice of my attorney I have thrown away all my video recording devices.
Are you keeping all of the tapes you already made or tossing them, too?
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  #41  
Old 05-11-2013, 05:10 PM
Regallag_The_Axe Regallag_The_Axe is offline
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On the advice of my attorney I have decided to spend more time black out drunk.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Spiderman View Post
Are you keeping all of the tapes you already made or tossing them, too?
Oh, the police already have them.
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  #42  
Old 05-11-2013, 05:46 PM
Emtar KronJonDerSohn Emtar KronJonDerSohn is online now
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On the advice of my attorney I'm not answering calls, responding to email, making appearances, reading legal notices, or being "in the office" until my receptionist collects $450 from you.
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  #43  
Old 05-11-2013, 09:18 PM
Spiderman Spiderman is offline
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Look, a real one:

The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette said Godshaw emailed the newspaper: On the advice of counsel, neither myself nor fellow nude artist are giving comments at this time.
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  #44  
Old 05-11-2013, 09:44 PM
Regallag_The_Axe Regallag_The_Axe is offline
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On the advice of my attorney I have decided to call you a filthy liar and punch you right in your stupid face.
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