To the pigfucker that decided he wanted my bike..

[Timban]

Hey you! Yeah, you, the worthless little sheetstain that
pilfered my only set of wheels. What the hell were you
thinking when you cut the cable and took MY bike, asshead?

I mean, sure, it was a fairly decent ride, and it had a
shiny new bigass cargo basket, and it looked new, but that's
probably because I just bought the fuckin' thing, nutsweat!
I only owned the goddamned thing for a couple of months, but
I'd also already gotten good and fucking used to having it
around. It was nice being able to travel on my own whim,
but you've put me back on the bus, you self-absorbed prick..

You wanna add some insult to my injury? I live in the southeast
side of the city.. I was in the northeast side.. I biked a good
30km to get to that mall, you little puke.. Yep, so far away from
home, and you steal my wheels. Thank the gods for transit, or I'd
have a taxi bill to stuff down your annoying little gullet.

I close my eyes, and I can see you in my mind's eye, standing there
grinning like a ditzy little punk.. a stupid "I don't care about
anyone but me" grin plastered across your face, showing me all those
nice, shiny teeth I'd love to break.. alas, I know I will probably
never see you, nor will the police or mall security ever find my
bike. You've gotten away, you've won this time..

But I fear not. Karma will strike hard, and to me, it would be sweet
to see. Maybe you'll ride MY bike out in front of the C-Train, or
perhaps you've discovered the loose seat the hard way, and gotten
dumped into oncoming traffic. It's just too bad I left you my
helmet, locked onto my bike, to afford you a slight bit of protection,
but perhaps that helmet won't do against the grill of a semi, eh?

Bad juju aside, you've taught me a lesson. You've shown me the error
of feeling safe in locking my property to a rack, and you've shown
me that I can get some mean satisfaction by taking the holding pins
out of my front wheel, from now on. Go on, take it now.. see how
far you go, hmmm?

(Ah, that feels better. Even though he'll never read it, man that feels
better. Death to your enemies! ...even if it's only in your mind. Hehe.)
~Timban

[donnie rotten]

I so feel your pain. Actually, someone stole my Gripshifts off my bike, but I don't know what I'd do if someone stole my ride. Bike thieves are the lowest form of scum on the planet.

Actually, if and when you get a new ride, check out this site: http://www.northpoledesign.com They make stickers called BAD KARMA TO BIKE THIEVES and while it might not stop someone from ripping off your bike, it will raise awareness of the problem, one that non-riders don't take very seriously.

I could recommend some locks, too, ones that are thief-proof...

[Tranquilis]

I use a heavy 8' long, 3/4" urethane-coated cable, strung through the frame in two place, and through both wheels, all secured with a Navy-surplus high-security lock. It adds 9 pounds to my ride, but I've never been ripped off in the 17 years of using this combo.

May your bike thief suffer a brake failure at the end of a fast downhill ride, facing into a patch of stinging nettles and wild roses.

[Mac Guffin]

Tranquilis, you forgot the rest of that curse...


May your bike thief suffer a brake failure at the end of a fast downhill ride, facing into a patch of stinging nettles and wild roses that are growing in a bed of sharp, pointy rocks, jagged glass shards, and rusty nails and railroad spikes. That several dogs just peed in. Twice. On fire.


There. That is more like it.

[Balduran]

Man, I almost went ballistic when someone stole the quick release screw for my seat (I carried the seat with me). I can't imagine how I'd feel if they'd taken the whole bike. Really sorry bud.

[Cat Whisperer]

Sorry you lost a good bike, Timban. At least you had it during the transit strike, eh? Have you heard about the police bike auction that happens every summer here in Calgary? It might have happened already, but from what I've heard, it is a good way to get a cheap bike.

[Tranquilis]

Originally posted by particlewill
Tranquilis, you forgot the rest of that curse...


May your bike thief suffer a brake failure at the end of a fast downhill ride, facing into a patch of stinging nettles and wild roses that are growing in a bed of sharp, pointy rocks, jagged glass shards, and rusty nails and railroad spikes. That several dogs just peed in. Twice. On fire.


There. That is more like it.

Har..!

[Mr. Miskatonic]

As far as I can tell the best way to lock a bike is with a cable *and* a U-lock, because theives may have something to break the lock, and they may have bolt cutters, but it is unlikely that they will have both. Or even morelikely figure it isn't worth the time to work both locks.

[waterj2]

This reminds me of the two day span irony decided to fuck with me.

First day, get a flat on my rear tire. Lock my bike up, take a bus to a bike shop, buy a tube (30 seconds before it closed), take a bus back to the bike, and replace the tube. Fill it up at a gas station. Thank God for being in a city and for the existance of quick release levers.

Next day, lock bike up outside book store for 20 minutes. Front wheel gets stolen. Curse God for being in a city and for the existance of quick release levers.

Have always used two locks since then.

[Timban]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies.. mostly did it to
vent, but good discussion tends to come from Pit
rants around here..

donnie: Thanks for the link, definitely. Apparently here
in Calgary, there's been alot of bike thefts lately. Every
morning in the Sun, I read of at least one or two.. it's
what they're covering, these days. Hell, a couple of the
ones I've read about happened right near where I live,
beside a Canadian Tire down the street.. Bleh. And
recommendations on locks would be appreciated, too. I was
just using a $40 cable lock, can't even remember who made
it right now.

Tranq: Nine pounds of lock.. that's what I should have
been using, eh? I tended to thread my lock through the
front wheel and frame, and take off the seat and thread it
there, too.. It's just too bad yours and Particle's curse
won't work anytime soon.. bike had damned good brakes, IMO.

Feather: Hey, you're local, cool. Yeah, the transit
strike is what prompted me to get that ride.. Got tired
of walking everywhere, and not being able to go around town
freely. Once the strike ended, I felt pretty independant of
the system, so I just rode everywhere I went. Yesterday's
ride was from Southland Drive to downtown, then out to
Sunridge Mall where the bike got pinched, via the trail
by the Zoo and Max Bell. Long ride, but I like that kind
of thing. I was ready to ride home, when I left the mall.

[Tranquilis]

Originally posted by Mr. Miskatonic
...theives may have something to break the lock, and they may have bolt cutters...

That's why I use such heavy cable and locks: You'd need God's own bolt cutters, and the lock can't be broken with anything short of a burning bar. Thay're heavy, and cost a fair bit, but I've not needed to replace them in 17 years. The thief that prompted me to that extreme, cut through an early U-lock, and left the broken pieces on the ground where my bike used to be. Not likely to happen again.

[Morrison's Lament]

So....



Did you find any actual evidence of sexual relations between a man and a pig at the scene of the crime, and if you did, how do you know it was the same man? Were there traces of any other animals being molested?

*runs, dodging flying bike pumps and locks*

--- G. Raven

p.s. I'm really sorry about the bike though. Really am.

[Timban]

Did you find any actual evidence of sexual relations between a man and a pig at the scene of the crime, and if you did, how do you know it was the same man? Were there traces of any other animals being molested?

Maybe I did...
...

Okay, so I didn't. Just another colorful adjective
to spew forth in fine rant form.

[Billy Baroo]

Ugh that's terrible. The sad truth is you can't buy a nice bike when you live in a city unless you or someone like a security guard at your office can always have an eye on it. A resourceful thief can get by any lock, even the U locks. They can freeze them and break them with a hammer, for instance.

When my bike was stolen I got the added aggravation of having the thieves joyride the damn thing right past me as I was forlornly walking home. Never have I experienced such exquisite, helpless rage and bloodlust. I even fell and skinned my knees and arms when I was trying to chase the fucking punks down.

Karma? It may be a comforting concept, but there is no such thing. Karma is simply justice without the satisfaction. And there is no justice.

[Timban]

Yeah, it really sucked. And you're right, buying a nice bike
is apparently just asking for it, especially if you don't
buy enough lock to go with it. Not that locks are a cure-all.
When I first left the mall and didn't see my bike, it was really surreal..
I thought I had the wrong exit.. I walked around and made sure I was in the right place,
then I made another pass just to be sure. Eventually, though, it really hits you, like, "Oh.. FUCK!"

Luckily, I didn't have to watch my bike go by. Lucky for the
thief, too. If I had, he would've been dodging bricks,
stones, whatever I could hurl at his head. Nonetheless, that
had to suck more than anything out there, and I'm sorry to
hear about that

Karma exists.. it's out there, just not in the extreme form
that I dream on this thief. If nothing else, it's a
comforting little fantasy to picture him getting the shit
end of a stick someday.. But you're right about justice.
There's no justice for shit like this. Unfortunately, they
tend to get away.

[sturmhauke]

I really hate when someone steals or vandalizes part of your bike. I've had someone steal my front wheel, my seat, my headlight, my tire patch kit. One time someone broke my brake levers, and another time someone put a padlock on my spokes so the wheel wouldn't turn properly. Having the whole bike get stolen is more expensive to replace, but having to carry your bike home is a real pain in the ass.

My choice for locks is a Kryptonite U lock, because it comes with a $1000 insurance policy if someone breaks the lock. I also "uglified" my bike by putting a bunch of band stickers on it to hide the brand name and make it look cheaper than it is.

[zyzzyva]

the above line is one of my all-time favorite stickers.

I had a bike stolen once. Unlike you, i was a total idiot and didn't even lock the thing as i ran into a corner store for a drink. *smacks forehead* The good news is that, about a month later, the guy that ended up with the bike (dunno if he was the thief or not) took it in for repairs... at the shop where i not only bought it, but where several of my riding buddies worked. They recognized it right away and confiscated it. The only repairs needed were new cables and a tune up.

Since then, i've always kept my bikes locked with a Krypto. The one i use (Evolution 2000) can't be broken with bolt cutters, or much of anything else short of the jaws of life. Krypto also makes the New York lock, which seems to require a hydrogen bomb to get through.

You can find good tips for locking a bike here.

[Timban]

Since then, i've always kept my bikes locked with a Krypto. The one i use (Evolution 2000) can't be broken with bolt cutters, or much of anything else short of the jaws of life. Krypto also makes the New York lock, which seems to require a hydrogen bomb to get through.

After having this happen, the New York lock's looking more and more tempting.. from the webpage, the only lock that Kryptonite guarantees within the confines of manhattan - that makes it really tempting.

A good webpage, thanks for pointing it out.

As an aside, when does one lose the newbie status, eh? =)

[Mercutio]

I just wanted to come in and applaud your good usage of the word "pigfucker".

[Dragwyr]

Originally posted by zyzzyva

You can find good tips for locking a bike here.

I love the last bit of advice they give on that link:

Never leave your bike outside overnight. Eat your vegetables, lube your chain, call your parents and tell them that you love them...

[trose]

Aww, man, that DOES suck. Mine got swiped a few years ago when I was unemployed, while I was at a job interview! (& didn't get the job--bad day all 'round.) You described perfectly the surreal feeling of looking at the spot where you left it and wondering "What's wrong with this picture?"

But I'm puzzled--what is this "transit" you keep talking about?

Curiously yours,
trose (a Texan)

[Timban]

Oy, the board's slow during the day. Tried to post earlier, but it didn't want
to work. :P Anyway.. yeah, that's about the feeling. "Hmm.. this just doesn't
seem right."

Transit's the occasional lifesaver, IMHO. I was just glad to be so close
to the C-Train line when this happened. Quite easy to just get on the train
and come home.

For an update, I filed the police report today. The filing officer told me that
I really shouldn't expect to get my wheels back, but that's what I was expecting
to hear, anyway. However, it would be a pleasant surprise if the bike wound up
in the impound lot or something

Another lesson I've learned from this is to carry insurance. Next bike's
definitely going to have theft insurance! =)

[Harmonious Discord]

Why don't the bike manufacturers include some securty devices built into the bikes. They can cost thousands of dollars, but the manufactures provide no device to prevent theft. Even a lockable steering column would be nice. Locking devices that are integrated into the frame structure, and their removal would break the bike frame. Who's going to steal a bike that the frame breaks when you break the locking mechanism?

[Cat Whisperer]

Timban, I believe you lose "Newbie" status after you have successfully:
1)Started a pit rant about a Moderator.
2)Been slapped down by the Moderator (and vow never to raise their ire again).
3)Used the term "Goat felcher" appropriately in a rant (and know why you're supposed to say "Hi Opal" in your third points, even if you chose not to do it).
4)Started a pit rant about another poster in which you cross-reference their offences properly.
5)Had a new arsehole chewed for you by someone in the Pit.
6)Been around for 2 year or 1000 posts, whichever comes first.

I believe you can skip any or all of these steps by attending the proper Dopefest in either NYC or California; here in Calgary, we have to do it the hard way
From a fellow newbie (I've only got 1 out of 6 criteria - this is taking longer than I thought!)

ps trose, in case it wasn't clear from Timban's post, "Transit" is what Calgary's public transportation system is called. It consists of buses and C-trains.

[Shirley Ujest]

I, too would like to give praise for the seldom-seen-but-highly effective- Pigfucker.

My apologies on your bike.

May the SOB PIGFUCKER suffer from premature ejaculation all his days.

In fairness to the opposite sex, if the Pigfucker is of the female gender, my curse du jour is: May she always wet her pants when she lifts so much as a leaf of paper and her boobs forever droop.

[Timban]

Originally posted by Shirley Ujest
I, too would like to give praise for the seldom-seen-but-highly effective- Pigfucker.

My apologies on your bike.

May the SOB PIGFUCKER suffer from premature ejaculation all his days.

In fairness to the opposite sex, if the Pigfucker is of the female gender, my curse du jour is: May she always wet her pants when she lifts so much as a leaf of paper and her boobs forever droop.

Why thank you. :> Isn't it a wonderful word, used correctly?

Hey, on the bright side of all this, I've got my new bike,
and a much better lock.. an Evolution 2000, thanks to the
wise advice of sturmhauke and zyzzyva.

[zyzzyva]

Timban: glad to hear it! Hopefully any potential thieves will notice a well-locked bike and keep right on going.

Harmonious Discord: there's a number of points against this. First off, most American cyclists are obsessed with weight, and any such mechanism would add precious grams to the thing. Second, it'd be harder to work on (one of the great things about a bike vs. a car is that you can fix most anything on it after just a few hours of training). Never mind the facts that if you locked it and then happened to lose the key, you'd need a whole new bike, and it'd be hellish if the thing malfunctioned and you suddenly couldn't steer after hitting a bump during a 40 mph descent down a twisting mountain road! Locks are relatively cheap and easy to carry, only suffer from the first problem.

Mind you, there ARE a few bikes that do have such mechanims. A friend of mine has a bike that she bought in Amsterdam that has a built-in wheel lock (basically a bar that slides between the seat stays to keep the rear wheel from moving). Of course, the thing weights about 40 lbs, what with that and all the other extras, and she still has to use a standard lock cuz anyone can still pick it up and toss it in a pickup truck, but it does have a built-in lock.

[sturmhauke]

You are welcome. The Krypto also can serve as a weapon. (No, I haven't actually used my Krypto as a weapon. For some reason I find myself imagining how all sorts of things might be used as a weapon. Call me a closet misanthropist.) Hold the barrel in your fist. Swing the U part forward to strike, or back against the outside of your arm to assist in parrying.