The Straight Dope

Go Back   Straight Dope Message Board > Main > In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-18-2001, 09:44 AM
handy handy is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Pacific Grove, Calif
Posts: 17,493
Nope, I haven't.

I was talking to my friend yesterday & she said she heard her aunt & uncle going at it the other day & I asked her what it sounds like & she wouldn't tell me--seemed too embarrassed to say. I don't think that I have any chance of getting my hearing back to find out so Ill just have to ask the hearing Dopers for opinions on what it sounds like.
Reply With Quote
Advertisements  
  #2  
Old 05-18-2001, 09:59 AM
Aghris Aghris is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Nope, never happened to me...

...
...




However, I did have the experience once where my best friend had sex with his girlfriend while I was only sleeping 5 feet away from him in the same room!!! I even had his condom thrown at me when he was finished. (There is a different thread with that story but I'm too lazy to go looking for it now. 5 minutes until weekend for me, then I'm off).

The sound? Trust me, you don't want to know. It's worse than snoring when you want to go to sleep. But then again, I would take it that the sound would depend entirely on the couple going at it, doncha think?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-18-2001, 10:18 AM
Ethilrist Ethilrist is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Yep. That's how I found out my aunt was gay.

Oh, TMI warning, by the way.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-18-2001, 01:00 PM
slortar slortar is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Happens all the time. Nothing quite like waking up to Keith Sweat blasting through the walls and/or floor about 4 hours before you have to leave for work.

Usually when that happens, I tip the speakers of my stereo flat against the offending partition and treat them to a solid hour or two of Nurse With Wound at high volume. Sometimes when I'm feeling really cruel, Treponem Pal's "Soft Mouth Vagina." ("Taste the hole among the FLESH!!! LICK THE JUICE THAT FLOWS FROM EEETTT!!!! SUCK MY VAGINA COOZE!!!! YOU'LL FEEL IT IN YOUR PRICK!!!...ad nauseum...)
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-18-2001, 01:13 PM
Ivorybill Ivorybill is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Next room? Nah. The floor above? Hoo boy.

I rented the lower unit of an old storage building in the old business district area of a very small town near a very small college in middle Tennessee. An extremely bright female student rented the upstairs unit. Her boyfriend had a thing about bouncing the bed several inches off the floor and screaming her name during the act. (WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! OH Susie! WHAM! Oh SUSIE! WHAM! OH! OH! SUSIE!!! WHAM!! WHAM!! WHAM!!) It sounded as if the whole damn second floor was going to come crashing through the ceiling. My roomate and I used to sneak out of the building and see how far away we could stand from it and still be able to hear them.
__________________
"Gotta tell ya, when your own father picks up the paper and the first thing he thinks is that his son turned into a homosexual serial cannibal, you stop going to Supercuts." Turbo Dog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-18-2001, 01:35 PM
Jet Jaguar Jet Jaguar is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Yes, if one floor below counts. There used to be a couple that rented the apartment below me that would often get into loud, screaming arguments. Slamming doors, throwing stuff around, the whole thing. Afterwards, they would usually enthusiastically make up.
__________________
It's not an adventure unless you need a tent, a passport, and a leather glove for your shooting hand.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-18-2001, 01:47 PM
CalMeacham CalMeacham is online now
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
One of my former landlords created my apartment by closing up an archway in his apartment, cutting his original apartment in half. He got the front living room (the only room sharing a floor with mine) and the upstars. I got the Dining Room (now my living room), the kitchen, bathroom, and two bedrooms. He had carpenter friends fill in the covered-over archway with a bookcase that took up the whole wall. I filled it, and still had boxes of books left over.

He used to like to have sex with his girlfriend on the couch in his living room, right next to that archway. My landlord was ...ahhh.. a jumbo-sized guy. When they went at it the entire room shook. He also breathed loud enough to be heard easily through the wall, which was none too thick to start out with.

It was embarassing to have anyone over. You couldn't exactly pretend nothing was going on when my entire room started to shake, including the couch and chairs we were sitting in.

Need I point out that I found nothing at all sexy about this? To me sex isn't a spectator sport in any case. I couldn't imagine even the most fanatic voyuer getting worked up over this jackhammer sex.
__________________
"My name is Michael Jackson, King of Pop
Look on my works, Ye Mighty, and Despair!"
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-18-2001, 02:36 PM
Dragwyr Dragwyr is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Right behind you!!!
Posts: 3,705
Just after I got married, I moved into my wife's apartment. The people above us would wake us up at like 3 AM out of a dead sleep. They would go at it so hard that they would make OUR bedroom windows rattle. Many times I wanted to grab the broom and start pounding on the ceiling. Add their moaning to that and it pretty much completed the picture.
__________________
-Dragwyr
"Believe me, brother. Until you've been booed by a small mob of middle aged New York swingers wearing see-through Tarzan outfits and packing squeeze bottles of fruit flavored lubricant, you don't know the meaning of fear." - Rev. Billy C. Wirtz
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-18-2001, 03:34 PM
heembo heembo is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: San Jose, Ca
Posts: 262
I feel like a very bad boy for saying this, but I get extremely turned on when I hear other people having sex. I have heard neighbors and roommates doing this, and it turns me on so much...

Whew! Better go before I do something REALLY bad....
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-18-2001, 04:21 PM
kunilou kunilou is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Apr 1999
Posts: 17,591
"Extremely turned on"? Not in my experience.

In one job, my day started at 5:00 a.m. Unfortunately, my next door neighbor got off work at 1:00 a.m. Nothing like being awakened out of a sound sleep at 1:30 in the morning with an incessant WHAMWHAMWHAM when you have to get up in 3 hours. In a VERY awkward conversation, I finally asked him to pull his bed out a few inches from the wall.

However, if you're in the right frame of mind, it can be amusing. Once in college, when my roommate had gone home for the weekend and I was alone in the apartment, the neighbors above us decided to celebrate the end of a long week. Unfortunately, I was at that moment reading a horror novel (The Exorcist) and the creaking and banging scared the poo out of me.

Later on in college, when I was living in a house, the four upstairs roommates all had their girlfriends over at the same time (Warning, obscure 70's reference ahead.) Listening to the creaking and banging from all sides above, one of the downstairs roommates exclaimed "Wow, we finally got quadrophonic!"

But my favorite story is when I was in a hotel with very thin walls for a company conference. The woman in the next room was doing a prime Meg Ryan imitation -- "OH GOD! OH GOD! OHHHHHHHHHHHHGOD OHOHOHOHOHOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH" followed by about 10 minutes of giggling. The bizarre thing is that her voice sounded exactly, and I mean exactly, like one of my coworkers who was also at the conference. The next day I asked the woman who was assigned to share the room with my coworker what they had done the night before. Unfortunately, the coworker in question had turned in early and was sound asleep in her own room all night.

Oh yeah, what does it sound like? A loot of creaking and banging, and sometimes you hear moaning, grunting and/or a scream.
__________________
I'm not just a hack writer -- I'm a hack author
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 05-18-2001, 04:26 PM
Arden Ranger Arden Ranger is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
I've been the one in the next room having sex!

I am not shy. No sir. In fact, unless I make a conscious effort to control it (and where's the fun in that? Though I will make the effort when the kids are around) I'm a screamer.

And I like to talk dirty and be talked dirty to. Growl at me and I'm yours.

Sorry if I woke you.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 05-18-2001, 05:34 PM
bughunter bughunter is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Many years ago I lived in an apartment next door to a newlywed couple. The wife was a stunningly gorgeous blonde, who I very often saw on her way to or from the health club, wearing skin tight spandex. If you've seen the new Christina Aguilera commercial for Coke, then you can imagine my reaction.

Unfortunately, they never made noise, and one day they moved out.

After that, another couple moved in to that apartment: A skinny young man and a woman who, although still possessing a generally hourglass-shaped figure, had an ass wide enough to fully occupy two standard folding chairs. And she was a screamer. Not just a screamer, but a banshee. I think her husband had to wear ear protection.

It would have been arousing, if it had been the earlier occupants.
__________________
"Unchecked right-wing media power means that in the United States today, no issue can be honestly debated and no election can be fairly decided." -- David Brock, former conservative journalist and "right-wing hitman," author of Blinded by the Right: The Conscience of an Ex-Conservative
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 05-18-2001, 08:14 PM
HeyHomie HeyHomie is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Springfield, IL
Posts: 8,296
Twice.

Once, in college, I was on Spring Break in Daytona Beach. I had gone on a little side jaunt to Disneyworld that day, and when I got home around 9:30 I was pretty bushed and went straight to sleep.

Later, I hear my roommate and this honey he'd picked up giggling. I'd met the honey before, and she was HOT! So they giggle, and I block it out and go back to sleep. Then, a few minutes later, I hear the honey's high-pitched voice again. Going "eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh ..." over and over again. I slightly open my eyes and peer over; yup, they were doing it.

The second time, Mrs. Rastahomie and I were in our first apartment. The people upstairs were your drug-abusing, no-job-having, typical white trash. One night, I hear the sounds of the bed banging. Then I hear this low, guttural sound from the woman: "FUCK ME!!! FFFUUUHHHHCCKKKK MMMMEEEEE!!!!!! Do it in my ass!!!! Yeah!!!"



We were glad when they moved out!

Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 05-18-2001, 08:31 PM
hardygrrl hardygrrl is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
New Year's Eve...

I'm at my friends apartment..laying on the loveseat with a guy. There a couple on the couch-the girl had previously puked in her hair and it was still crusty and the guy had been drinking RumpleMinze straight from the bottle-enough to ignore the puke smell.

They start loudly screwing on the couch. The guy on the loveseat takes that as a cue to start kissing me.

In my defense...I was REALLY drunk. I had been doing shots and champagne from 8pm (it was about 4 in the morning).


Worst sex I ever had...apparently the word foreplay was not in his dictionary.
__________________
I'm overrated, desecrated. Still somehow illuminated.
Hang on to me forever baby...I could always swim
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 05-18-2001, 08:49 PM
bunnicula bunnicula is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
I just had this experience!! I was on a camping trip with my boyfriend and some other friends of his from work. I had just flown into Florida (having to get up at 4:30am to catch my flight) and I was TIRED!! All I wanted to do was sleep, but this couple had other ideas. They listened to loud music until 2am until I asked them to turn it down. Then they went to bed and then I heard it...fwap, fwap, fwap, fwap "oh, oh, oh" etc. It didn't take more than 5 minutes, but it was annoying as hell!! They took about a half-hour breather (b/c obviously he was worn out after that torturous 5 minutes) and did it again for about 5 minutes. ERGH!!!!!!!!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 05-18-2001, 08:50 PM
dangermom dangermom is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
I used to live in the lower half of a house with a separate tiny apartment out back. I think it was the person living there who used to go at it. You could tell because you could hear the screaming through closed windows at all hours--8am, in particular. It was very embarrassing, esp. when we had people over.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 05-18-2001, 09:15 PM
Coldfire Coldfire is offline
Charter Member
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Near Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 15,973
Cheap student housing. 'Nuff said.

I do have a great story involving my housemate, and a military bed placed too closely to the heat radiator. Maybe I'll tell it tomorrow.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 05-18-2001, 09:27 PM
racinchikki racinchikki is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Hoo boy.

I was at a friend's house for the night, along with another mutual friend (so, three people total, right). We were supposed to be in bed by 12, so around midnight we lay down nicely enough on our cots (fully dressed and wearing our hiking boots and coats) and waited for everybody else to fall asleep so we could sneak out and wander around the woods and neighborhood. Just as we thought it was safe to leave, we heard her parents talking.

Then there's a strange noise. A kind of thumping noise.

"What the hell?" we asked each other in whispers.

Then the moaning started, and we knew.

Of course we took advantage of her folks' distraction to run out the back door and take off.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 05-18-2001, 10:25 PM
Giraffe Giraffe is offline
Charter Member
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: ♂ San Jose, CA
Posts: 10,187
I have heard other people, through hotel walls, but much more often, I'm half of the offending couple.

My fiance can be a little loud at times. When we started dating, I think we caused one of her neighbors to move out. (It's just a theory -- we have no proof that we were the cause.) Another neighbor once banged on the wall and yelled at us to "knock it off". (We cracked up, and went out into the living room to finish.) To our defense, we keep it down if it's after midnight. Almost always.

(I really feel like I should apologize, but the memories are making me all happy, and I'm not even remotely sorry.)

__________________
http://giraffeboard.com: come for the food, stay for the conversation. (Most of the conversation is about the fact that there isn't actually any food.)
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 05-18-2001, 10:54 PM
Sparteye Sparteye is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Posts: 150
On our honeymoon trip to Ireland, my husband and I checked into a hotel on the day it was hosting a large wedding. It turned out that we were given a room which was attached to the bridal suite, and only a set of locked double doors was between us and the happy couple. Shortly after the ceremony, while the wedding festivities were just getting started, the bride and groom went to their room and consummated their vows. Loudly. Quickly. Up against those double doors. Like that opening scene in The Godfather.

We had a very difficult time not ruining their moment by laughing too loudly.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 05-18-2001, 11:02 PM
CrankyAsAnOldMan CrankyAsAnOldMan is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
The dead giveaway (what sets sex apart from other other random noises, like tossing and turning, or talking) is the rhythmic, repetitive nature of the sounds. Creak creak creak of springs, wham wham wham of bed hitting wall. Oh! Oh! Oh! of person getting the crap banged out of them.

After my boyfriend and I broke up, we still shared a house (we were two of three grad students living there) and I spent many a night listening to him and his NEW girlfriend going at it. Sigh.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 05-18-2001, 11:41 PM
UncleBill UncleBill is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Kinda sorta similar to Cranky, I had a young lass bed me during a party in college, and she had a particular noise she made during the good parts. Seeing as this was purely physical, we soon parted ways. My dorm room had a thin door seperating it from the room next door, as they had once been suites. A few weeks later, I went back to my room to get a tape during another party (yes, CD's were not yet invented), and lo and behold, I hear very similar noises coming through the thin door from next door! This lady was working the hallway! It killed me not to bust out laughing.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 05-18-2001, 11:55 PM
Amedeus Amedeus is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
One night a friend of mine and my girlfriend got a two bed hotel room for the night. Me and her in one bed, him in the other. Woke up in the middle of the night with them two going at it in the next bed.
Thing that pissed me off was that she wanted to wait 2 yrs into our relationship to have sex.

In my apartment (right now in fact) there is some wierdo that lived above me. I have never seen a woman or a man go into his apartment, but every once in awhile there will be some wierd scream type noises, moanings, and thumping for like half an hour. Mabey he has a sex slave tied up there, cuz it happens all the time. (Of course he could be watching porns all day long in his rocking chair.)
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 05-18-2001, 11:57 PM
DRY DRY is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
Quote:
Originally posted by Coldfire
I do have a great story involving my housemate, and a military bed placed too closely to the heat radiator. Maybe I'll tell it tomorrow.
Is this the one where the guy strangles the duck?

Anyway, I can't wait to hear it.

As for me, yeah, I have. Former roommates getting it on. Nothing like working 14 hour days and coming home at 11pm to your roommates having sex.
__________________
Thank you to everyone who made my stay here an enjoyable one.

To any at all whom I have offended or alienated, I apologize. I desire the enmity of no one.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 05-19-2001, 12:38 AM
elmwood elmwood is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 9,303
My first real residence, aside from the parents' house and dorms -- Villa Del Vista apartments in Las Cruces, New Mexico. It was an apartment complex that was apparently slapped up during the boom of the '70s, and the walls were very thin.

Anyhow, I got stuck with a fuirst floor apartment. There were two girls living upstairs, apparently sisters, both very attractive. The one whose bedroom was above mine had a boyfriend who came to visit every night about 11:30 or so, just as I was going to sleep.

You heard the two of them get into their very squeaky bed -- there was an initial jumble of squeaks, then silence. A few more squeaks here and there for about five minutes. Two more ... a short pause ... then a rhythmic "scree scree scree scree," accompanied by very loud moaning and praying ("Oh God ... Oh Lord ... Oh Jesus ... God God ugggggh gruuuungh God uuuughhhuggh")

The scary thing was that I coul hear 'em change positions. The squeaking and banging would stop, there would be about five seconds of random light squeaking, then a different rhythm, with different moaning sounds. About 30 minutes later, it stopped, followed by a toilet flush about 30 or 40 seconds after that. They were good, and this happened every night. However, I was in a strange new town, I knew few people, so hearing a hot babe get it on while I slept alone wasn't a very pleasant experience. When I started dating, I lived in a newer apartment complex with better insulated floors, I had a very quiet bed, and it's unlikely that anyone heard me get it on with Ms Right. Sigh.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 05-19-2001, 01:13 AM
Creaky Creaky is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Yeah. Pretty standard sex noises used to come on a regular basis for about a year from the apartment next to mine.

Imagine! How disgusting.

Of course, I had to get out a stethoscope and put it to the wall and listen intently, just to make absolutely sure of what I was hearing.
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 05-19-2001, 01:20 AM
NicePete NicePete is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 1999
Disgusting, you say?

You don't know disgusting.

Try being awakened in the middle of the night in your basement bedroom by the creaking and moaning of your PARENTS' bedsprings. THEN you can talk to me about disgusting.

Pikers.
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 05-19-2001, 01:54 AM
curiousgeorgeordeadcat curiousgeorgeordeadcat is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
While I was living in the dorm in college, my neighbor
once woke me up at about 4 am by noisly having sex with his
girlfriend. It was a good thing too, since I had fallen
asleep while working on an assignment due the next day. I
got back to work and managed to finish it on time.

(Later the same couple each got a hacking cough, and for a
few weeks I had to try to sleep hearing them both coughing
up a lung.)

Another time, in the middle of the afternoon, the same
neighbor was watching a porno movie with the sound so loud
you could hear it in the hallway. People walking by just
shook their heads.

Another neighbor I had later on liked to blast music. I
think it was some sort of territorial thing. People living
around him, including me, kept asking him to turn it down,
and he kept doing it. Well he eventually started having sex
with his girlfriend, and a few of us agreed it sounded like
he was trying to be as loud as he could, for the sake of
stealing our attention, as he did with the blasted music.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 05-19-2001, 02:19 AM
Monstre Monstre is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: The P. Vegetative State
Posts: 6,422
Yes, several occasions. Most recently, when I was living in a small apartment and the sounds came regularly through the thin wall from the next apartment over.

Earlier than that, when I had two other roommates in a 3-bedroom apartment. Heard one roommate and girlfriend from in his room -- she was pretty loud. I don't think they knew I was home.

And like you, Aghris, college roommate and his girlfriend, a few feet away. However, I was already asleep when they came in... er, to the room, that is... and she must not have been a screamer. So I sympathize, but glad I wasn't target practice for the condom toss...


Quote:
Originally posted by Arden Ranger
Growl at me and I'm yours.
GGGgggrrrrrooooowwwwwrrrrrrrr.....
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 05-19-2001, 03:57 AM
tclouie tclouie is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Yep, cheapo student housing always takes the cake. Not just dorms, but those cheap-ass subdivisions somebody mentioned earlier.

One of my housemates who lived in one of those "instant bedrooms" with the paper-thin walls was a Chinese guy from Singapore, kind of a long-haired, charming rogue. Also kind of a rascal and layabout. No job, no school, nothing to do but fuck his Taiwanese girlfriend. As long as he paid his absurdly cheap rent (and who knows how he came by that), the landlord was happy.

And fuck her he did. All the fuckin' time. In the middle of the afternoon, yes. No bedsprings or nothin', just a steady, slow rhythm of "Ohhhhh!........Ohhhhh!.........Ohhhhh!......." And to think there's a stereotype of Asian men as being sexually inadequate. Please. It sounded to me like she considered him more than adequate. Yet another proof that stereotypes ain't worth shit.

And he was a crazy reckless driver too.

Anyway, the Singapore Playboy finally left our lives one fine day when a group of Chinese men came to talk to him about something. Don't know what they said to him, but they made him a nervous wreck. (Funny how when they first came to the door, they asked for his girlfriend instead of him.) After they left, Singapore Guy nervously asked me to never let anyone in the house again, then he called the police to say he'd been threatened, then he split (leaving me to explain things to the LAPD). Came back a little later for his stuff. Never did see him again.

Oh, and I have heard people in the next bed too. My Tennessee roommate was getting sociable on the bed with his date while I was in the room. To be polite, I retreated to the living room to give them some "private time." And I waited, and waited. Even Tennessee's friends thought he was being rude. "Get her out of there," harrumphed one friend. Finally Tennessee himself came out and muttered, "Tom, uh, give me fifteen more minutes." I'm polite, remember?, so I waited thirty minutes and went back in, flopped down on my bed and pretended to be unconscious. They were in the middle of nude foreplay -- sounds like a lot of heavy full-body rubbing, and it's NOISY. They nervously got dressed, touched my toes to make sure I was "asleep" (I wanted to be) and left.

Oh yes, this was the same house. That was the last time I ever had roommates.

My sister claims to have heard both my mother and my father having sex. Separately, with their separate lovers.
Reply With Quote
  #31  
Old 05-19-2001, 04:19 AM
flodnak flodnak is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: outside Oslo, Norway
Posts: 4,762
Eighteen years old, freshman in college... my roommate and her boyfriend started screwing in her bed. They thought I was asleep; in reality I'd only turned out the lights about ten minutes before they stumbled in. Of course, they were loud enough just finding the bed that I might have woken up anyway...

If it happened now, I would turn on the light and say WHOOPS! Forgot to brush my teeth! At the time I was so chicken I just laid there as still as I could until they were finished. Thankfully that didn't take long. He was so drunk he was having trouble finding the relevant bits, and she was snoring like a buzzsaw within about five minutes. I don't think they "finished" so much as fell into an alcohol-induced stupor.
__________________
An American flodnak in Oslo.
Do not open cover; no user serviceable parts inside.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old 05-19-2001, 08:58 AM
Wicked Blue Wicked Blue is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
I used to share an apartment with a very amorous couple. We lived on the third floor, and sometimes I'd hear them from the front door downstairs. They were both 'screamers' and when I'd be getting close to our door I'd jingle my keys a lot so if they were in the living room they'd hear me and go running into the bedroom.
One time I came home with my mother, and man, was that embarrassing. Obviously, none of you know my mother, so I'll give you a little background. My Mom teaches Sunday school and loves Disney movies. She never curses, and is, well, I guess a big prude. My roommate was my best friend from high school, and she was basically part of my family and knows my mother very well.
The roommates were in the shower together, and I guess they couldn't hear us come in. Our bathroom was between the kitchen and living room, so wherever we were, we were still in the next room. My Mom and I had ordered Chinese food, had it delivered, and sat down to watch TV while we ate. There were giggles, moans, screams, grunts and slapping sounds coming from the bathroom the whole time. When they finally emerged, the look on my female roommate's face was priceless. She took one look at my Mom and her jaw dropped. Good.
We'd had the 'Let's Try To Keep Our Sex Lives In The Bedroom' talk just a few days earlier, and this was exactly what I told her would happen. I still tease her about it.

Rose
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old 05-19-2001, 09:15 AM
Una Persson Una Persson is offline
Straight Dope Science Advisory Board
 
Join Date: Mar 2000
Location: On the dance floor.
Posts: 14,901
Yes, I forgot all about this until I read this thread.

In the cheap student apartment the Ex and I lived in, the walls and floors were paper-thin. There were three girls that lived above us, and they always had these Frat Boy types over, at all hours of the night. One Saturday night, I was in the bathroom, and I started to hear people walking around upstairs. Due to a large hole in the ceiling from water damage, there was only a thin layer of plywood and one layer of linoleum between us. It was a guy and girl above me:

Girl: (giggle) No, lube it up, silly!

Guy: (mumble)

Girl: Here...OK. Now do it to me. Do it to me. Do it. DO IT!

Guy: I'm trying but it won't fit!

Girl: (exasperated) Use your fingers!

Guy: No way! I'm not (unintelligible)

Girl: Put it in me! I need it!

Guy: I'm trying, it won't fit.

Girl: (curses)

Then there is a pause for a few seconds, then...

Girl: Ayyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Guy: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Girl: (panting and crying) Fuck my ass! Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!!!!!

And they went on for about 3-4 minutes, with her sobbing and crying - actually crying - but all the time panting and saying "Fuck my ass! Fuck it!"

Finally, it stopped.

Girl: Don't stop!

Guy: I'm done.

Girl: You fucking prick!!! (door slams, and yelling ensues upstairs, followed by the outside door slamming)

Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old 05-19-2001, 11:03 AM
Arden Ranger Arden Ranger is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Frankd6, my parents had no shame. Must be where I got it from. The first time my exhusband heard it was freakin' hysterical, especially since we had just finished when the moans started from my parent's room.

Him: (blank look) "What's that?"
Me: (barely restrained laughter at him) "What do you think?"
Him: (jaw dropped, eyes wide open)
Me: (laughing into my pillow at him)

Apparently, I was the only person I knew who didn't have a problem with my parents having a sex life. My mother (who was usually very proper) used to joke around out of the blue about it to my younger brother because it shocked him so.

Little Brother: "Why did you guys build your new house way down here away from Uncle David's house?"
Mom: (calmly sipping her coffee) "We got tired of him complaining about the noise."
LB: (mortified)
Me: (laughing hysterically)

Quote:
Originally posted by Monstre

Quote:
Originally posted by Arden Ranger
Growl at me and I'm yours.
GGGgggrrrrrooooowwwwwrrrrrrrr.....
*swoon*
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old 05-19-2001, 11:42 AM
Weirddave Weirddave is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: Republic of Marylandistan
Posts: 9,900
Quote:
Originally posted by Frankd6
Disgusting, you say?

You don't know disgusting.

Try being awakened in the middle of the night in your basement bedroom by the creaking and moaning of your PARENTS' bedsprings. THEN you can talk to me about disgusting.

Pikers.
Seriously, where the fuck do you think you came from? I never heard my folks going at it, but they've always been quite up front that they do. A while back, I was over there and they gave me my mail. One was a spam "Increase your sexual stamina". Jokingly, I asked my dad if he wanted it. My mother calmly looked over and said "He dosen't need it"
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old 05-19-2001, 07:22 PM
Coldfire Coldfire is offline
Charter Member
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Near Amsterdam, NL
Posts: 15,973
Quote:
Originally posted by DRY
Quote:
Originally posted by Coldfire
I do have a great story involving my housemate, and a military bed placed too closely to the heat radiator. Maybe I'll tell it tomorrow.
Is this the one where the guy strangles the duck?

Anyway, I can't wait to hear it.
Not exactly, no.

Alright, here it goes.
When I was in university in Maastricht (the very south of the Netherlands), I shared a house with 5 other people. It was a pre-war family house, basically. We all had our rooms, and we shared the ground floor - kitchen, big living room, bathroom and all that.
One day, I arrived home at about three in the afternoon. I tossed my bag on to the couch, and sat down reading the morning paper - I had to be at the U early in the morning, forcing me to postpone that daily ritual. The only one home appeared to be my housemate "Jeroen" ('cause that's his name ), from whose room I could hear the stereo at considerable volume.
After reading for about five minutes, I heard someone parking their bike out front, and ringing the doorbell. With a sigh, I put down the paper and get up - almost.
In Jeroens room, the stereo goes off, and a quick series of steps down the stairs told me I could sit back down again.
Lots of smooching and kissing sounds in the hall further explained that the visitor was Jeroens girlfriend-at-the-time. We'll call her Agnes.
Two pair of feet dashed up the stairs, and after the slam of the door, sounds of people tossing off clothes whilst moaning and a-grunting could be heard.

Now, here's the thing. Jeroen had this old military style steel bed, that had its head end positioned some 10 centimeters away from the heating radiator in his room. We all know that steel heat pipes are a great sound conductor.

Yup, I was treated to a semi-rythmic metallic CLANG! CLANG! CLLLLLANG!! CLA-CLA-CLA-CLAAAAANG!!!! concerto, with lovely vocal support to boot. Both the front and back radiators made sure I got a perfect stereo reception. This went on for the proverbial ten minutes (what can I say, I always seemed to be able to hang on to my girlfriends longer than Jeroen ). Then, sounds of dressing up and saying goodbye could be heard. Two pair of feet down the stairs, a quick kiss goodbye, and the slamming front door.

Ten seconds later, Jeroen struts into the room, barefoot, jeans on but unbuttoned, shirt likewise. He's sporting his trade mark victory shit-eating grin.

Until he tilts his head to the right, only to see me on the couch, peering out from over the newspaper, returning the courtesy with an equally impressive EVIL grin.

Three seconds of dead silence.

Then, the historical words: "JUST WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GET HOME, DAMMIT??"

Still worth a good laugh, 7 years later.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old 05-19-2001, 10:07 PM
Wonko The Sane Wonko The Sane is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Downstairs neighbors.

banging, moaning, Oh Oh Oh.

Makes you feel wierd when you've been celibate for the last 31 years.

Then I get the giggles.
__________________
Wonko The Sane -- It was brown, yellow and orange, wrapped in white--like a dog in a wedding dress.
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old 05-19-2001, 10:11 PM
NicePete NicePete is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 1999
Quote:
Seriously, where the fuck do you think you came from? I never heard my folks going at it, but they've always been quite up front that they do.
Of course, I don't begrudge my parents a healthy sexlife. More power to 'em.

I just don't want to be a spectator.
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old 05-19-2001, 10:39 PM
Cervaise Cervaise is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
Quote:
(Frankd6) Try being awakened in the middle of the night in your basement bedroom by the creaking and moaning of your PARENTS' bedsprings. THEN you can talk to me about disgusting.

Pikers.
Dude, let me tell you about stumbling across my mother's sex toy -- a white plastic wand the length of a cop's flashlight, with a rotating baseball-sized knob on the end, covered in bumps.

Onward...

I roomed with two very, very horny guys once for several months. It was a three-story house built by a friend of one of the guys, and I'm sure it never passed any kind of inspections (or was even submitted). The whole house rocked back and forth when it was windy, the windows were all mismatched (pirated from other projects) and held in with tacking nails straight down into the sill, and we never got an electric bill because we were patched into the grid without the utility's knowledge. (double )

Let me describe the layout a bit: The three stories stairstepped up from the road to the back. In other words, looking from the street, you see a one-story front, the roof goes back a bit to the front wall of the second story, then more roof on up to the third story. In the back, it's straight up, three stories.

My room is in front, on the street side of the first floor; the kitchen and dining area are opposite. The second floor has a vaulted ceiling that's open with the third floor in the front; the third-floor bedroom sits on top of the second-floor bedroom, and there's a small office in front of the second-floor bedroom, right at the landing with the vaulted ceiling.

The guy who had the second-floor bedroom would regularly bring his girlfriend over and boff her for an hour at a time. An hour before dinner, come down and eat, then go back up and boff again for another hour, then go to sleep and boff for an hour in the morning. She was an "oh!"-er -- a falsetto "oh! oh! oh!" for the whole hour, while the house shook and the ceiling creaked.

That's not the really icky one, though. The guy who had the third-floor bedroom was envious of the second-floor guy's ability to "score" on a regular basis, so he would frequently bring home women he barely knew just so he could remain, in his own mind, competitive. (The house had a really weird dynamic.) He was five-foot-three, and he had real issues with his height; the women he'd bring home were often a head taller than he was.

Anyway, so I'm sitting in the second-floor office, working on the computer. The third-floor guy goes by with a girl in tow. She's big, six feet easy, and, well, I don't want to be impolite, but she's kind of large, doughy almost, as well as tall. He smiles, I smile, she smiles, and they go on up.

A few minutes later, I hear heavy breathing, creaking, an occasional smack or slurp, soft murmuring. I roll my eyes and continue working. After a while, it has gotten kind of distracting, so I decide to wrap up and go downstairs until they're done. I turn to look, to make sure I'll be able to get down the stairs unnoticed -- remember, the third-floor loft is open to the vaulted landing -- and I freeze.

There's a big bay window in the second-floor vaulted landing. In the glass, I can see the third-floor bedroom: I'm looking at the reflection of what's going on directly above my head.

The woman's on her back on the floor next to my roommate's futon bed. And he's... he's... climbing all over her. I swear, I have no idea what the hell he was doing. At first I thought it was a sixty-nine, but I can see after a moment that both his ankles are on one side of her shoulder, and she's looking up at the ceiling with face unencumbered. Then he kind of spins around, laying across her, bumping her breasts with an elbow. Then he sort of slides over to the other side and turns over, then climbs back. It was really, really strange; they weren't fucking, but I can't for the life of me explain what they were doing.

After a few seconds of this, the image I get ... swear to God ... is of an ant clambering all over a caterpillar.

I retreat back to the computer in horror, and wait for the noises to finish. Eventually, they do, and after a respectful pause, I go back down to the first floor and hide in my bedroom. I never say a word to him about it.

__________________
<seeking wit for this space>
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old 05-19-2001, 10:39 PM
Speaker for the Dead Speaker for the Dead is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
On the topic of sex, I'm reading about all you guys and your sex experiences, and suddenly it dawned on me.

I'm NOT going to be one of you guys. I'm going to end up being the guy that had one girlfriend in college, and she ended up cheating on me and we broke up. One week into the relationship.
Reply With Quote
  #41  
Old 05-20-2001, 01:15 AM
GrizzRich GrizzRich is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Grizzwife and I moved into an apartment after transferring to Ohio. Two very attractive women shared the two-bedroom apartment above ours.
At all hours, we'd hear
"squeeeeeka-squeeeeeka-squeeeeeka-squeeeeeka-squeeeeeka... squeekasqueekasqueekasqueeka".
You know... bedsprings!
Not terribly loud, but just loud enough to hear pretty well if one kept quiet.
But no moaning, groaning, or other voice-type stuff.
Just the squeakings.
In the morning, afternoon, evening, 2am, 9am, 12noon....all hours!
Grizzwife and I would giggle and laugh. "Wonder which one has her boyfirend over?" giggle/snort
Then we began to wonder if they could be lesbians.
Of course, you know, I have a typical male mind. NOW I popped major wood when the bedsprings started, just with the mental image of those two hotties going at it.


Then, my bubble burst...


I was carrying in groceries one day and heard the familiar squeaking coming from their open window.
So.......I looked up.
And I could see one of the roommates, all sweaty and panting.....


On her stairmaster.

<sigh>
__________________
Humility and modesty are my two best traits
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 05-20-2001, 02:09 AM
Dignan Dignan is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Frankd6:
Quote:
You don't know disgusting.

Try being awakened in the middle of the night in your basement bedroom by the creaking and moaning of your PARENTS' bedsprings. THEN you can talk to me about disgusting.
Uh, you forgot to mention the creepy feeling that you get when you come down for breakfast in the morning and you know the reason for both of your parents overly chipper disposition.

Another story comes from when I was at a get together at a friends house. Some were just hanging out inside. A couple people were outside smoking weed. One of my (high) friends came in with his girlfriend and they proceeded to the basement. Another friend and I were just sitting in the living room watching TV (and the volume was pretty high). Then we started hearing a lot of moaning and groaning coming through the floor. A particularly funny moan, that was really hard to describe, signaled the end. It almost sounded like he was shivering from cold or something, I don't know. Then it was real funny seeing him coming up stairs all stoned with his girlfriend and trying to play it off like everything was normal. It might have worked if he would have gotten rid of his stupid grin.
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 05-20-2001, 02:21 AM
straykat23 straykat23 is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Yeah, the threesome upstairs in a college apartment bldg. One of the women shared a room with a guy, the other girl was in a single. The couple made all the requisite noises (hearing them made us hornier). One night during their particularly noisy sex, we heard loud footsteps from the single room to the double -- and heard much more moaning than ever before. There were many more nights like that. The boyfriend thought we should charge admission.
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 05-20-2001, 02:31 AM
DRY DRY is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2000
Well, all these stories are great, but I'd just like to say that with this last story Coldfire told, his previous story about the duck that got strangled, and his "auto racing chicken" story, if he ever has a movie made of his life, *I* for one would pay to see it.
__________________
Thank you to everyone who made my stay here an enjoyable one.

To any at all whom I have offended or alienated, I apologize. I desire the enmity of no one.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 05-20-2001, 10:26 AM
handy handy is offline
BANNED
 
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Pacific Grove, Calif
Posts: 17,493
Id like to say this is the funniest message subject that I have ever read here.
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 05-20-2001, 10:40 AM
ElvisL1ves ElvisL1ves is offline
Charter Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: New England
Posts: 32,759
Well, there was the time years ago that we spent too little money on the motel when out of town. Between the episodes of bouncing and grunting sounds from the next room, there was this female voice telling the grunter she was "still a virgin at heart" and she thought of herself as "getting married every night".

Well, I take back the part about spending "too little money", actually - we're still snickering about it.
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 05-20-2001, 01:10 PM
Francesca Francesca is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Mar 2001
Oh yeah, student living'll do it for ya every time.

I lived in a grungy three-story Victorian terraced house in north London with 7 other students, one of whom was a Polish guy called Marrick (sp?). He had the bedroom next to mine and a 17 year old blonde, vivacious girlfriend. They liked to shag. They shagged for hours in a variety of interesting and intricate ways. Loudly. Marrick was an "Oh god!"-er and she was an "Uh uh uh"-er. They left empty condom packets in the kitchen, i walked in on her kneeling before him while he hurriedly struggled with his zip in the living room, we once came home to discover the dining table upended although we couldn't think why. Marrick also felt the need to show me his priest outfit once too. Interesting.

One evening they had had quite a bit to drink and were being even more vocal than usual. You could hear them from every room in the the house and John, whose room was on the third floor, got thoroughly fed up and marched downstrairs, banged on Marrick's door and shouted at them to "Just shut up, some of us are trying to sleep". They quietened down for a while but were soon obviously enjoying themselves again and I, being the polite soul that i am, decided to write them a note to advise them that they were being more than a little embarressing. So, i wrote the note, slipped it under his door, knocked lightly and retreated to my room. I came out 5 minutes later to find a return note explaining that they were sorry but they were enjoying themselves. What can you say to that? So i left them to it, reasoning that we should all be so lucky to have such exciting sex lives.

and i quite liked listening.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 05-20-2001, 03:51 PM
Tansu Tansu is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
During my late teens and early twenties I was a screamer. I went like a bog door in a storm, only louder. I had no sense of aural propriety whatsoever.

I'd like to publically apologise to anyone living in the city of Cambridge between 1993 and 1997. I'm very, very sorry.
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 05-20-2001, 10:54 PM
rjung rjung is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Well, I'll contribute, but it's not as *ahem* colorful as some of the earlier ones.

I was on vacation, taking a one-man roadtrip across America (from Los Angeles to Louisiana and back, anyway). I pulled into Tuscon AZ on the first night, and -- since I wanted to improvise the trip and didn't make any reservations -- had to hunt around for a motel room, since there was some major convention in town.

I eventually managed to find a cheap room in a broken-down fleabag motel, easily a disgusting place that No Sane Person would stay in if they had a choice. Since I didn't, I soldiered through and made the most of it, catching a shower, reading a little, then settling down for a sleep.

Then, through the paper-thin walls, I heard it. Thumpa ... thumpa ... thumpa ... thumpa ... thumpa. Not very noisy, but distracting as heck, and the girl's throaty moans didn't make it any easier to ignore.

It ends after about twenty minutes. The two chat quietly for a bit, then there's a door slam, and it gets all quiet again. Being bored silly, I considered going outside and asking her if she wanted to *ahem* turn another trick, but decided against it and went to sleep instead.
__________________
--R.J.
Electric Escape -- Information superhighway rest area #10,186
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 05-21-2001, 12:13 AM
DoperChic DoperChic is offline
Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2000
I can do even better than the apartment next door. How about the next stall over in a fitting room at Boscov's (a department store in PA)?

A few years back, my friend and I went into the fitting room at Boscov's to try on some tops we wanted to buy. We were in there for a few minutes when we heard the stall next to mine open and close. A girl started talking to someone, asking if her shirt fit alright. We heard a male voice respond. No big deal, right? Just two people in a fitting room together. This went on for maybe ten minutes or so. Then the questions turned to laughter, which then turned into moaning - loud moaning. It was obvious as to what they were doing.

My friend and I did not sit idly by, no way. The situation was just way too funny not to say anything.

So my friend piped up really loudly, almost yelling "Gee. I wonder what they're doing over there." I almost died of laughter.
__________________
* Carpe diem - Seize the day; Carp in denim - There's a fish in my pants!
Reply With Quote
Reply



Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:21 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.

Send questions for Cecil Adams to: cecil@chicagoreader.com

Send comments about this website to: webmaster@straightdope.com

Terms of Use / Privacy Policy

Advertise on the Straight Dope!
(Your direct line to thousands of the smartest, hippest people on the planet, plus a few total dipsticks.)

Publishers - interested in subscribing to the Straight Dope?
Write to: sdsubscriptions@chicagoreader.com.

Copyright 2013 Sun-Times Media, LLC.