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  #1  
Old 04-22-2014, 10:21 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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The latest assessment essay gems

For your consideration and enjoyment.....

(note to the uninitiated: these are sentences found among tons of assessment essays written for college placement; I help score them.)


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[mother to a kid picking the ash off a burnt tortilla]: “Just eat the ash, son. This way you’ll learn not to fear death.”

It has always been a wondering thought to wonder and to feel the emotions the people must have felt when JFK was shot by his wife and all the people that surrounded him.

A terrorist situation in a plane is a really bad experience for everybody.

Sorrow flooded my chest cavity and clogged my arteries. Guilt steamed behind my eyes.

I still remember the scent of dirt filled streets coursing through my nose--the way it smelled and tasted.

Japan is an island in the western Pacific ocean, and it is surrounded by water
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  #2  
Old 04-22-2014, 11:04 PM
AHunter3 AHunter3 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
Japan is an island in the western Pacific ocean, and it is surrounded by water
Channeling Dan Quayle? (start at 0:51 for his discourse on the location of Hawaii)
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Old 04-23-2014, 03:43 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
It has always been a wondering thought to wonder and to feel the emotions the people must have felt when JFK was shot by his wife and all the people that surrounded him
I didn't know JFK was in a zombie movie!
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  #4  
Old 04-23-2014, 07:52 AM
yellowjacketcoder yellowjacketcoder is offline
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Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
It has always been a wondering thought to wonder and to feel the emotions the people must have felt when JFK was shot by his wife and all the people that surrounded him.
Jackie must have finally gotten pissed about all the skirt-chasing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
A terrorist situation in a plane is a really bad experience for everybody.
I dunno, the terrorist thinks he's getting his reward in the afterlife, he's probably pretty happy about the whole thing.
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  #5  
Old 04-23-2014, 08:32 AM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is offline
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Thanks again. My son is now in ninth grade and not much of a writer. These now give me hope in addition to amusement.
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  #6  
Old 04-23-2014, 08:55 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[mother to a kid picking the ash off a burnt tortilla]: “Just eat the ash, son. This way you’ll learn not to fear death.”

I like this sentence. It almost feels proverbial.
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  #7  
Old 04-23-2014, 09:13 AM
Hypno-Toad Hypno-Toad is offline
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It sounds better in the original Klingon.
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  #8  
Old 04-23-2014, 09:19 AM
TriPolar TriPolar is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
Sorrow flooded my chest cavity and clogged my arteries. Guilt steamed behind my eyes.
This guy has the potential to win a Bulwer-Lytton prize.

Quote:
Japan is an island in the western Pacific ocean, and it is surrounded by water
Living on an island that is not surrounded by water I appreciate the clarification.

Last edited by TriPolar; 04-23-2014 at 09:19 AM..
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  #9  
Old 04-23-2014, 11:14 AM
Left Hand of Dorkness Left Hand of Dorkness is offline
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Originally Posted by TriPolar View Post
Living on an island that is not surrounded by water I appreciate the clarification.
Unless you live in an active volcano, explain please.
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  #10  
Old 04-23-2014, 11:17 AM
Thudlow Boink Thudlow Boink is offline
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Originally Posted by Left Hand of Dorkness View Post
Unless you live in an active volcano, explain please.
See the Location: field.
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  #11  
Old 04-23-2014, 11:18 AM
Chronos Chronos is offline
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Check his location field.

Though a pedant might point out that he actually lives in the Providence Plantations portion of the state.
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  #12  
Old 04-23-2014, 04:44 PM
Hampshire Hampshire is offline
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Originally Posted by TriPolar View Post
Living on an island that is not surrounded by water I appreciate the clarification.
Do you live on Noman? Cause Noman is an island.
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  #13  
Old 06-25-2014, 06:29 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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A few more gems...................


Massachusetts is literally on the opposite side of California.

The future is one of the most terrifying things on this planet mainly bcuz it do not exist yet and we live in it at the same time.

Jesus loved us so much that he has paid the price and has given us the greatest gift that no iPad, Audi R8, or new pair of Nikes could ever replace.

She acts like a tractor beam that sucks me in to abduct me and I love it.
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  #14  
Old 06-25-2014, 07:02 PM
Manduck Manduck is offline
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What about an iPad, an Audi, AND the Nikes?
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  #15  
Old 06-25-2014, 07:48 PM
Sattua Sattua is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
“Just eat the ash, son. This way you’ll learn not to fear death.”
*jaw drops* That's going in my next novella. It'll be set in the southwest, plenty of Latin, magical realism, Garcia Marquez type action going on. That will be the best line in the whole damn thing...
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  #16  
Old 06-25-2014, 08:46 PM
Chessic Sense Chessic Sense is offline
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Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
I still remember the scent of dirt filled streets coursing through my nose--the way it smelled and tasted.
What's wrong with this one? You've never tasted something through your nose? I think it's provocative. It makes me say "I know that feel."
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  #17  
Old 06-25-2014, 10:16 PM
pulykamell pulykamell is online now
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Originally Posted by Sattua View Post
*jaw drops* That's going in my next novella. It'll be set in the southwest, plenty of Latin, magical realism, Garcia Marquez type action going on. That will be the best line in the whole damn thing...
I mean, seriously, that's a great line, and I'm not being facetious.
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  #18  
Old 06-26-2014, 07:18 AM
kaylasdad99 kaylasdad99 is offline
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Originally Posted by Chessic Sense View Post
What's wrong with this one? You've never tasted something through your nose? I think it's provocative. It makes me say "I know that feel."
Well, aside from the fact that "dirt filled" could really benefit from the addition of a hyphen, the mental image of a scent "coursing" through a nose is just a little problematic.

The sentence extolling the corazon-enhancing effects of eating tortilla ashes IS excellent..
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  #19  
Old 06-26-2014, 07:27 AM
kaylasdad99 kaylasdad99 is offline
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Missed the edit window:

In fact, I can seriously imagine the writer's mother actually saying that to him many years ago.

Or his grandmother having said it to his father a few more years ago.
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  #20  
Old 06-26-2014, 09:13 AM
QuickSilver QuickSilver is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
For your consideration and enjoyment.....

(note to the uninitiated: these are sentences found among tons of assessment essays written for college placement; I help score them.)
I do enjoy these. Even as I weep for the future of our utes.

So if a kid is not aiming to be an english major, is he/she better or worse off scoring low on these? I know that everyone should be able to express ideas and thoughts in writing better than is often the case. I wish they would. But how does scoring low affect the average (non english major) college student, academically?
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  #21  
Old 06-26-2014, 09:25 AM
SciFiSam SciFiSam is offline
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Originally Posted by Chessic Sense View Post
What's wrong with this one? You've never tasted something through your nose? I think it's provocative. It makes me say "I know that feel."
That feel? You mean feeling? Or you know how that feels?

It's not that bad a sentence, but it does sound like there were dirt-filled streets coursing through the writer's nose. Maybe the writer was Cyrano de Bergerac.
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  #22  
Old 06-26-2014, 10:49 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chessic Sense View Post
What's wrong with this one? You've never tasted something through your nose? I think it's provocative. It makes me say "I know that feel."
Yeah, I don't particularly see the problem here with a scent coursing its way through one's nose.
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  #23  
Old 06-26-2014, 03:29 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by QuickSilver View Post
I do enjoy these. Even as I weep for the future of our utes.

So if a kid is not aiming to be an english major, is he/she better or worse off scoring low on these? I know that everyone should be able to express ideas and thoughts in writing better than is often the case. I wish they would. But how does scoring low affect the average (non english major) college student, academically?
We score those barely English-literate non-natives into the lowest AMLA course. There are three higher levels for AMLA. (Not all non-natives have to take AMLA, though. Some are quite good at English.)
Another placement is for those who don't have a second-language issue but are too remedial to go into the regular English classes yet.
Another score is for the sentences to paragraphs class; another for paragraphs to essays; and another for essays to research paper (Freshman Comp).

It doesn't matter what their majors are. They will have to do some writing in pretty much any course, not to mention more writing if they go on to a 4-year university.

Hope that helps.
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  #24  
Old 06-26-2014, 03:55 PM
Doctor Jackson Doctor Jackson is offline
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Kids today have it so easy. I learned not to fear death by picking tortillas out of burning ash.
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  #25  
Old 07-27-2014, 12:52 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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Here are the latest:
--------------------------------------------------------------------

It happened slowly yet rapidly.

I disagree with Hitler’s actions and the way he abused his power but I am thankful for the great amount of history he created for us to learn.

The experience of eating a different culture wasn’t normal.
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  #26  
Old 07-27-2014, 04:35 PM
Dangerosa Dangerosa is offline
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Well, that's better than agreeing with Hitler's actions but resenting all the History you have to learn because of it.
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  #27  
Old 07-27-2014, 05:41 PM
jtur88 jtur88 is offline
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Quote:
A terrorist situation in a plane is a really bad experience for everybody.
Not necessarily. It might just be Cat Stevens.
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  #28  
Old 07-27-2014, 07:20 PM
CheshireKat CheshireKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post

The experience of eating a different culture wasn’t normal.
I want your job!

Please keep posting these - they are all making me laugh out loud.
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  #29  
Old 07-27-2014, 07:58 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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Originally Posted by CheshireKat View Post
I want your job!

Please keep posting these - they are all making me laugh out loud.
I am scheduled for two more readings sessions this week, so I will do my best to bring home some goodies!
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  #30  
Old 07-28-2014, 07:48 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Eating a whole culture might cause some serious gas...
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  #31  
Old 07-28-2014, 10:21 AM
WotNot WotNot is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
The experience of eating a different culture wasn’t normal.
Quite right. Stick with the yoghurt you know.
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  #32  
Old 07-28-2014, 11:36 AM
robert_columbia robert_columbia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nava View Post
Eating a whole culture might cause some serious gas...
Quote:
Originally Posted by WotNot View Post
Quite right. Stick with the yoghurt you know.
Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
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  #33  
Old 07-31-2014, 09:16 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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The ones from today are not error-ridden, necessarily, but they are...intriguing.
--------------------------------------------------------

My grandpa always said, “There’s nothing new under the sun,” except the iPhone.


Besides the gangs, police harassment, and fights, I liked my neighborhood.


I got pregnant with my two and a half year old baby boy.
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  #34  
Old 07-31-2014, 09:44 PM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
It has always been a wondering thought to wonder and to feel the emotions the people must have felt when JFK was shot by his wife and all the people that surrounded him.
Wake up, sheeple. Oswald was just a patsy for the real killers.

Last edited by Little Nemo; 07-31-2014 at 09:44 PM..
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  #35  
Old 07-31-2014, 09:47 PM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is online now
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Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
Besides the gangs, police harassment, and fights, I liked my neighborhood.
One does not love a place the less for having suffered in it, unless it has been all suffering, nothing but suffering. - Jane Austen
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  #36  
Old 08-02-2014, 02:23 AM
Tangent Tangent is offline
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Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
I disagree with Hitler’s actions and the way he abused his power but I am thankful for the great amount of history he created for us to learn.
Thanks, Hitler!
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  #37  
Old 08-02-2014, 04:13 AM
Little Nemo Little Nemo is online now
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I disagree with Hitler’s actions and the way he abused his power but I am thankful for the great amount of history he created for us to learn.
That's not an essay answer. That's the History Channel's business plan.
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  #38  
Old 08-02-2014, 12:31 PM
The Second Stone The Second Stone is offline
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That's not an essay answer. That's the History Channel's business plan.
Alas, the days of the Hitler Channel are now gone. It's now the fuckin' Ancient Aliens Channel occasionally interrupted by a Pawn Stars marathon.
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  #39  
Old 08-08-2014, 04:55 PM
Faruiza Faruiza is offline
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Alas, the days of the Hitler Channel are now gone. It's now the fuckin' Ancient Aliens Channel occasionally interrupted by a Pawn Stars marathon.
And that continues to piss me right off.
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  #40  
Old 08-08-2014, 05:50 PM
Flander Flander is offline
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And that continues to piss me right off.
Just watch the network. This way you’ll learn not to fear death.
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  #41  
Old 08-11-2014, 02:39 PM
gnoitall gnoitall is offline
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Just watch the network. This way you’ll learn not to fear death.
True. The "History" Channel, in sufficient quantity, will make you yearn for death, not fear it.
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  #42  
Old 08-11-2014, 05:55 PM
curious11 curious11 is offline
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And just last week I happend to research dangling participles by myself.

I wish all the people by JFK hadn't shot him by his wife. [Fixed!]
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  #43  
Old 08-12-2014, 07:46 AM
Irishman Irishman is offline
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Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
The future is one of the most terrifying things on this planet mainly bcuz it do not exist yet and we live in it at the same time.
I hope you counted off extra for "bcuz".
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  #44  
Old 08-12-2014, 09:25 AM
Nature's Call Nature's Call is offline
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The future is one of the most terrifying things on this planet mainly bcuz it do not exist yet and we live in it at the same time.
Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
- Criswell (Plan 9 from Outer Space)

Quote:
Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
Besides the gangs, police harassment, and fights, I liked my neighborhood.
I wonder how the aquaducts are in this neighbourhood. And obviously the roads go without saying.
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  #45  
Old 08-12-2014, 11:02 AM
Srsly Dad Srsly Dad is offline
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[mother to a kid picking the ash off a burnt tortilla]: “Just eat the ash, son. This way you’ll learn not to fear death.”

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sattua View Post
*jaw drops* That's going in my next novella. It'll be set in the southwest, plenty of Latin, magical realism, Garcia Marquez type action going on. That will be the best line in the whole damn thing...
Need to go farther south to the Yanomami tribe in Brazil

I do think that line would awesome in the right story.

Last edited by Srsly Dad; 08-12-2014 at 11:07 AM.. Reason: Can't get the quote within a quote to work right
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  #46  
Old 08-12-2014, 11:28 AM
susan susan is offline
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Be sure to include the professor from Düsseldorf in the framing narrative.
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  #47  
Old 08-12-2014, 04:50 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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Originally Posted by Irishman View Post
I hope you counted off extra for "bcuz".
Believe me, I did.

Today, we had a paper that included the phrase "and stuff" five times. That lowered the score for sure.
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  #48  
Old 08-13-2014, 12:26 PM
F.Pu-du-he-pa-as F.Pu-du-he-pa-as is offline
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You mean, that lowered the score and stuff?
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  #49  
Old 08-13-2014, 01:33 PM
vivalostwages vivalostwages is offline
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You mean, that lowered the score and stuff?
Like, yeah, that, like, is totally what I meant.
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  #50  
Old 08-13-2014, 03:00 PM
Calatin Calatin is offline
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Originally Posted by vivalostwages View Post
Like, yeah, that, like, is totally what I meant.
bcuz it wasn't what u asked 4?
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