A person you've just started dating asks to read your journal. Dealbreaker or not?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m gonna try to ask this without poisoning the well in my first post, so this is as neutral as I can be.

Let’s say you’re you, and you write a private journal/diary. For the purpose of this hypothetical, there’s nothing super-lurid in it.

For the past two months, you’ve been work colleagues/friends with someone to whom you’re attracted. Now you’ve had three nonsexual but still kinda romantic outings with him or her.

Third date, this person asks if s/he can read your journal.

As far as you’re concerned, this is…

  1. A dealbreaker. Shut it down.
  2. Not necessarily a dealbreaker; too many variables (pls. explain).
  3. Not a dealbreaker, but I wouldn’t show him/her the journal.
  4. Not a dealbreaker, and I would show him/her. Could lead to intimacy.

Answers, please?

2

My personal opinion is that this is a pretty intimate request for a third date. But I’m a private person.

3
  1. It’s ok to ask. It’s also ok for me to say no.
4

There is no chance I’d be compatible with someone who thought that seemed like a good question to ask, so no thanks. Someone who doesn’t understand people needing space and privacy is like the anti-Blackberry.

5

Wow, answers came in quickly! Very interesting, thank you! I’m on board with some, intrigued by others.

Okay, my response and the reason for the poll:

My friend, a woman who’s been seeing a guy longterm (actually living with him) but they have a kind of open relationship, has had a sorta crush on this work colleague for a while. They went on a couple of… not dates, really; just outings. To an amusement park for her birthday, to a concert, and over to his place to watch *Game of Thrones *(or something, I don’t remember). She has told him that she doesn’t plan on making this relationship sexual because she has a live-in boyfriend.

During the Game of Thrones (or whatever) evening, the guy says wistfully that he sure wishes they could go further, but he respects her decisions. He suddenly asks her if he can read her journal.

My friend said yes. She thinks it was sweet and flattering.

My response to the poll and this situation:

[spoiler]What the fuck?! Hell yes that’s a dealbreaker. It doesn’t matter what I wrote in the journal, I don’t care if I just use it for daily pencil sketches of bunnies and solitaire tic-tac-toe games. Just the idea of someone asking that question makes me think this is a guy who doesn’t respect boundaries. I wouldn’t ask it of my husband, best friends, sisters, or child. God, a shrink will almost never make such a request (unless the journal is some sort of CBT assignment, maybe).

This guy sounds like a manipulative creeper. I fear my friend is a sweet but staggeringly naive young person with very poor judgment. (And for anyone who remembers another thread I started about the girl who got fired from a daycare because she’s living with a guy who’s an RSO? You’ll probably agree with me–yes, this is the same chick.)[/spoiler]

Whew. Okay, glad to get that out there.

6

I don’t journal, but if I did, I wouldn’t let a casual dating interest read it. Asking would not be a deal breaker, but insisting after I declined would be.

7

She’s a fool for even telling someone that she has a journal. The correct response to the request is: “Journal? What journal? Who told you that I have a journal?”

8

I am not a fan of journal keeping, however, if I were taken with writing my daily thoughts, impressions, motives and emotions down then it would purely be an exercise for me and me alone.

Nobody would get to look at it. A request would be met with a firm but polite refusal.

Continue the requests and it would adversely affect my opinion of them.

ha ha I was trying to be polite in my response but seeing your actually opinion. Yes for me it would be a huge GTFO of here creep!

9

I would imagine that not everyone’s journal is some private, intimate thing though. The 21st century version of a journal is a blog or something similar, and plenty of people want others to read theirs.

The person can obviously say that their journal is private, and hopefully the other person respects that. But given the amount of oversharing we see today, I don’t think the question is particularly out of line. Doubly so because the person in this case seemed to have no problem allowing the person to read the journal.

10

I *guess *if the person’s first association with the word “journal” is like “livejournal”, there might not be something terribly wrong with them for even asking. There probably is, but it’s not 100%. But it would be a dealbreaker to me because I’ve dated dudes who act too familiar too quickly and I HATE it. I stop taking their calls. At which time they invariably start calling OVER and OVER, because that’s what people like that do.

11

1st wife 20 years, now in 17 year relationship. I have never asked or been asked to let someone read my journal. Her journal sat next to my bed for 9 monts while she was gone and I didn’t read it.
It would be an instant deal breaker for me!

12

That would be a huge red flag to me. I consider that sort of inappropriate request to be a warning sign that I’m dealing with a controlling personality.

13

This, exactly.

I don’t keep a journal myself, and don’t know anyone who does (who’s told me about it); so if someone told me they had one, I wouldn’t have any idea (nor would I make any assumption) what kind of things they write in it, or what level of privacy or intimacy it entailed.

14

I feel exactly like you, choie. Reading the OP, this was my face. Then it was also my face when I read that she let him read it and thought it was sweet.

And to others who are bringing up blogging or LJ, the key here is that it’s described as private. That’s the opposite of public, and it’s absolutely possible to make private posts that are only visible to the blog admin on any platform I can think of.

15

How can I answer the question about whether you should show the journal or not.

What did you write in the journal ?

Did you write “They really do have an attractive face. I shall love it even more when its in my freezer.” ???
Its really no problem that they ask, but its not possible for me to answer the poll because the option isn’t there … “Ok for the other person to ask, but unknown as to whether to answer yes or no”

16

Asking isn’t a dealbreaker for me. Not accepting my “No” for an answer would be a dealbreaker. Unless she’s thinking it’s an online “Live Journal”.

17

I would nope the fuck right out of there.

18

Ha! Thanks for the laugh, manila. :slight_smile: Yeah, I really needed to get that out before I responded to her email telling me about it. My response was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more tactful. Sometimes I think I was a social worker in another life. I’m the queen of non-commital responses like, “I see. And how did that make you feel?” (Not my actual reply. Mine was more like, “I’m somewhat surprised that he asked you something like that; I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone request to read someone else’s diary. What was the context? How did it even come up? Personally I’d be worried about his decision to cross certain boundaries, because diaries are usually so private, but I guess we probably have different feelings about that?” You know, basically the exact opposite of what I wrote here.)

OMG zweisamkeit, that pic is like looking in a mirror two hours ago! That’s a keeper.

And yes, yes, the blog/LiveJournal thing is exactly why I added private before “journal” in my post. But it was dumb not to have included it in the subject title or poll question. A lot of people just answer the poll and don’t read the post–I should’ve realized that.

Hmmm, I didn’t ask that particular question. For me the issue wasn’t whether you should show the journal, it was whether asking to see the journal is a dealbreaker on its own.

I think option 2 would be closest:

Admittedly it doesn’t sound like it’d be a dealbreaker at all, so I’m sorry I didn’t include that more definitive response down. I thought hedging my bets with “not necessarily” was broad enough.

Just to re-emphasize: the purpose of the poll wasn’t to find out if you’d show the journal or not. It’s your reaction to the other person’s behavior I’m interested in. Otherwise, my topic would’ve been something like, “Someone asks to see your journal. Do you show it to him/her?”

For me, it doesn’t matter what I’ve written, so needless to say in my friend’s situation, I’d’ve responded, “Hell to the No, and take your manipulative ass out of here! Oh, right, it’s your place. Um, bye.”

Sure, the guy may end up assuming I’ve been writing entries with, I dunno, Ted Bundy/John Wayne Gacy slashfic. What he thinks of me isn’t half as bad as what I think about him.

I may have privacy issues. :slight_smile:

19

Okay, the journal was not the first red flag in this situation.

20

It would be a deal breaker if I found out some woman I was dating was reading my posts here on this board. So a journal would be a big hell fucking no!