So this weekend I had the pleasure of going up into the mountains with my lovely wife and my two daughters after we won a 2 night stay in a condo in Breckenridge at a silent auction. It was a nice place, not too spectacular, typically ski property with wood block furniture, bad art on the walls and a cupboard full of VHS tapes like Independence Day and Sixteen Candles. It was a nice weekend, filled with hiking, eating good if overpriced food, some lounging in hot tubs, and even a stop at the Bacon Festival in Keystone, Colorado (mmmmmmm, bacon).
Anyway, none of that was the problem. The problem was the motherfucking spiders. Or I assume they were spiders. I don’t really know what the fuck it, or they were, but I am going to kill ever mother fucking creature with eight legs I see for the next year. In fact, fuck it, everything with 6 or more legs is dead if I see it anywhere near me.
It is only just. You see on Friday night when I was sleeping something bit me. Several times. I have these huge welts that itch like a motherfucker. Huge. Like dollar coin size. And really itchy, almost burning.
I have one on my left cheek. Not that cheek, the other cheek. My left butt cheek.
I have two more in the crack of my ass. 
That is fucking right. In my ass crack some fucking creature, whose species may soon be extinct if I have anything to say about it, decided to bite or sting me not once, but twice.
It wasn’t done though. It decided to move around to my front! :eek: I have two more bites, both right where my upper thigh and pelvis meet. Huge fucking welts that itch worse than anything you have ever felt. But even then it was not finished. It… It… OMG, I can barely talk about it. It…
[spoiler]It fucking bit me on the scrotum. Twice. It itches soooooo bad I can barely stand it. I have been almost uncontrollably been scratching my junk today. In public.
I don’t even play baseball.
You know, I have told creature that piss me off to bite my ass, but I will never do it again. I have even told things that really pissed me of to bite my hairy ballsack, but, welll… that is why I am here in the pit. I will never ever say anything like this again! Never. Instead,[/spoiler] I am going to kill every fucking insect I see for the next year at least. I don’t care who I have to bribe, but I am going to get so much DDT that I am going to kill the assholes by drowning them. Fuckers. Fucking dead!
And, before anybody asks, no I don’t think it was bedbugs. It is more like a wasp sting than anything else. My wife, who was sleeping beside me all night long, has attested that she has not been bitten anywhere. She does this between muttering “oooh poor baby” and paroxysms of laughter. Fucking spiders suck. :mad:
