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  #1  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:07 PM
Scylla Scylla is offline
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I found a used Brinkman wheeled smoker at a garage sale last week. Retail about $300.

Covered with rust at a garage sale? $20.00.

Loaded it up, took it home, sandblasted it, and repainted the inside with stove paint, the outside with rustproof stove paint.

I fired it up with charcoal put a slab of bacon in it and let it season.

Tonight after work I went to the butcher shop.

I brought a seven pound top round roast with a great big fat cap. I took that bad boy home, and fired up the smoker. I cut off a piece of the fat and melted it. In the fat I fried finely chopped onions green peppers and celery.

I seasoned the mixture with pepper (3 kinds), ginger, garlic, thyme, a tuch of soy, and terriyaki sauce, as well as chinese red pepper.

I took a long knife and stabbed the meat about halfway through from the top down, working front to back. Into these slits I pushed some of the mixture. I rubbed the meat with the rest, inserted the thermometer and placed it on the smoker's top tray at about 6:00 EST.

I made a difficult decision at this point, and chose oak chips, apple chips, and small fresh apple twigs and placed them in the wood tray of the smoker.

I had done all that I could do. It was now in the hands of fate. All that was left was to check on the wood tray.


At 10:00 P.M. I pulled the meat out. The fat cap was basically gone having dripped into the smoker tray or been absorbed by the meat.

Carefully with tongs and a ceramic knife I cut angled thin slices. My wife grabbed them as they were cut and stuffed them in her greedy mouth. My baby chewed on a piece and said "MMMMMMmmm. Yummmy!"

Heh. heh. heh. I let her feed on the outer edge.

Soon though I had sliced into the thick heart of the roast where the meat ran pink and bloody. My wife was slowing down after having just eaten about a pound of the stuff. When a goodly quantity had been sliced into the juices oozing from the meat, I stopped.

I popped open an ice cold Corona.

I tasted the meat.

Mmmmmm. Yummmy. Robust and honest. Tender and juicy from itfour hours of torture. The outer edged and seasoning provided the hint of essence needed for perfection. The juices permeated my enitre being instantly with love.

But my work was not done!

Behold, a fresh flaky potato roll! It was homemade that very day by a dour Amish woman, and cost me a whole quarter!

I sliced it with a bread knife, and very lightly toasted it.

I filled the role with steaming juicy meat until it begged me to stop. But, No! "One more Piece!" I cried gleefully.

Then I lay fresh cut Vidalia onion slices on the hapless mass. I gave it a dollop of a fresh mixture of local horseradish and mayonaise I had mixed earlier. Fresh cut iceber lettuce went over that.

Then, as the true master that I am, I cut the top half of the roll in two. Placing the cut top on the rest of the sandwich, I sliced through the organic mass, to yield the perfect presentation. My rolls never get squished, babes! You better beleive it.

I took about a half-cup of freshly made Amish potato salad (thing German,) and placed it carefully next to the sandwich.

A homemade pickle went on the other side.

Fortunately my defenses were up, and I was able to evade my wife's clumsy attack as she moved to disable and grab the sandwich.

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" I chortled, as she slumped back, torpid from the pound of meat she had consumed in gastronomic frenzy just minutes earlier. "Feeling a little sluggish? Ha! Ha! Ha!"

I grabbed my beer and plate, and escaped to the TV room, and into my Chair of Ultimate Power (A giant pea green Lay-Z-Boy with heat, ten motor massage, caller ID phone, and refrigerator.)

"Let me just have a bite, please?" cried my bloated spouse as I fled, silence my only answer.

Then I ate heaven.

I feel sorry for you.

You weren't there.

You didn't partake.

What a shallow and unfulfilled existence you must lead.

You have my pity.

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  #2  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:21 PM
A Friend of the Devil A Friend of the Devil is offline
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You Fiend!! You Devil!! How can you torture us like that, have you no conscience?

And just where did you say that you lived, by the way?
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  #3  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:24 PM
Snooooopy Snooooopy is offline
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Couldn't have been as good as Hamburger Helper Cheeseburger Macaroni.
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  #4  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:25 PM
Arden Ranger Arden Ranger is offline
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::grumble, grumble::

Smug bastard.
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  #5  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:28 PM
Hanna Hanna is offline
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You suck, Scylla. I proudly made cheap hot dogs on my elderly Weber. Two tries to get the coals going, burnt 1/2 of each hot dog, and then when I was taking them off the grill one of them fell into the coals.
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  #6  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:33 PM
Whammo Whammo is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scylla
I grabbed my beer and plate, and escaped to the TV room, and into my Chair of Ultimate Power (A giant pea green Lay-Z-Boy with heat, ten motor massage, caller ID phone, and refrigerator.)
You BASTARD!!! To top it all off you have to remind us of the C.O.U.P.?!?!?!

I hate you more then ever...

*grabs his grumbling stomach and marches off for more frozen pizza and ritz with aerosol cheeze*
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  #7  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:41 PM
demanton demanton is offline
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Excellent story! Potato roll sammich with onion and horseradish sounds perfect. Brought a tear to my eye.
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  #8  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:47 PM
Scylla Scylla is offline
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The cooled remains of the roast have been wrapped tightly in saran wrap and placed int e refrigerator. The juices that it bled are in tupperware.

The thermometer was stuck in the deep heart of the center of the meat. I pronounced it done when that temperature was about 130 degrees (which is perfect rare on that thermometer.)

Tomorrow I may have cold, delicious roast beef sandwiches, or I may cut a thick slab and heat it to a glorious medium rare, and baste it in its own decadent fatty juices.

Sunday, I will do the same thing.

If anything is left Sunday night, I will shred it into a thick beef stock based gravy and freeze it.

Than, in the future, when the mood suits me I will make my special mashed potatos:

I boil them with the skin on and mash them whole. Cream, butter, black pepper, panneed onions, salt and black pepper. I let the whole mass cook in the pan, turning occasionally so that I get browned crispy mashed potato streaked through the dish.

I place a big heaping glob on the plate, and shape it like a volcano (kinda like that guy in Close Encounters. Into the Volcano I add peas and corn.

Finally I will slather a generous helping of the hot gravy, beef mix over the potatos.

A slice of cornbread will go on the side.


I would invite you, I really would.
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  #9  
Old 06-01-2001, 10:52 PM
Bumbazine Bumbazine is offline
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I'm gonn get you for this, Scylla!


Next time. try a tri-tip roast, and in the little holes you poke with a knife, put slices of garlic. Yummm!
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  #10  
Old 06-01-2001, 11:05 PM
Scylla Scylla is offline
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My previous smoker was basically an oil barrel over a Hibachi.

The Brinkman is a very nice piece of equiptment, and I still need to fix up the wheels which were in bad shape.

I've had mixed luck smoking large pieces of beef in the past, ranging from fairly decent to inedible shoe leather.

This was my first unqualified success.

The fact that the Brinkman has a heat gauge on it, seems designed to move the smoke around, and heats very evenly seems to be a big help.

I also started the charcoal with one of those electric starters so I wouldn't get the taste of lighter fluid.

Once I had a nice bed of coals, I added a fresh layer of Kingsford on top in the hopes that this would keep the heat even throughout the process. In hindsight, this meant for a cooler environment during the beginning, and a hotter towards the end, though the gauge remained in the green area.

I used small amounts of wood in the smoker box, and added to it every 45 minutes or so. A big help seemed to be that the smoker box on the Brinkman catches all of the drippings, making for a headier smoke.

Bumbazine:

I agree that sounds delicious, and I love garlic. I wanted horseradish on the sandwich though, and the combination of garlic and horseradish always seems like it overpowers the meat. And if you had seen the fat cap on this top round, you'd have drooled.
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  #11  
Old 06-01-2001, 11:10 PM
Mr. White Mr. White is offline
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[/QUOTE]
Scylla said with a smirk

I would invite you, I really would.
[/QUOTE]


I hate you. I really do.
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  #12  
Old 06-01-2001, 11:18 PM
JavaMaven1 JavaMaven1 is offline
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Fine.


Don't share. That's ok.


Just means that I have more Mexican Chocolate Cream Pie to myself, when it comes time you're wishin' for dessert. I'd invite you, but...


Hah.


(By the way, this is the first time I've heard of the Chair of Ultimate Power. I think I need one.)
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  #13  
Old 06-01-2001, 11:41 PM
meek meek is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Arden Ranger
::grumble, grumble::

Smug bastard.
Heyyyyyy.... What did I do?
*sniff* *sob*

Scylla; I tried some Moosemeat and Caribou my hunter friend had put in his smoker... it was awesome.

And I don't really care much for that sort of meat.
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  #14  
Old 06-01-2001, 11:59 PM
Monty Monty is offline
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Ah, the Chair of Ultimate Power...the only SciFi story my brother liked. But, alas, I can't recall the exact name of the story in which it appeared, although I'm pretty sure said story was in Amazing Stories.

Short plot line:[list=1][*]Company creates pretty nifty chair that has ALL the requirements for life & entertainment.[*]Reporter investigates chair and comapny.[*]Same reporter saves one of the company's leaders or minions.[*]Reporter receives C.O.U.P. gratis from company as a reward.[*]Reporter succumbs to C.O.U.P.[/list=1]

Quite entertaining story back in the 1970s when I read it.
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  #15  
Old 06-02-2001, 12:04 AM
Flutterby Flutterby is online now
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Oh god *groans* I am hungry now.. That sounds so yummy..
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  #16  
Old 06-02-2001, 12:37 AM
Smeghead Smeghead is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by JavaMaven1
(By the way, this is the first time I've heard of the Chair of Ultimate Power. I think I need one.)
Do a search for it. Scylla posted a thread about it several months back - I'm thinking in the Pit, for some reason. That's when I started making a point of reading every thread he starts.
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  #17  
Old 06-02-2001, 01:13 AM
Winnowill Winnowill is offline
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Scylla, I used to like and admire you. I thought you were a poster I could look up to and think "I'd pop a brew with this guy."

Now I've seen you for the cold-hearted, smug bastard you really are.

Meanie.
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  #18  
Old 06-02-2001, 01:30 AM
Tuckerfan Tuckerfan is offline
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The COUP was featured in an episode of "The Simpsons" in which Homer has a 2001 type of experience. BTW, Scylla I hope your Brinkman gets stolen by Nazi gopher's from hell who use it to smoke your carcass!!!
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  #19  
Old 06-02-2001, 01:31 AM
Mercutio Mercutio is offline
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Hi, I'm Heaven.


::wonders why people are looking at him that way::
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  #20  
Old 06-02-2001, 07:36 AM
poohpah chalupa poohpah chalupa is offline
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::grumbles while tossing a couple of slabs of Spam into the microwave::
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  #21  
Old 06-02-2001, 07:54 AM
LouisB LouisB is online now
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Well, I'm gonna report the smug bastard to PETA.
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  #22  
Old 06-02-2001, 08:43 AM
Hometownboy Hometownboy is offline
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Jeeeeezzzzus, Scylla! The OP was bad enough but the followup mashed potato recipie was pure torture. May you be stuck in the desert with nothing but potato chips, Arrrgh!
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  #23  
Old 06-02-2001, 09:29 AM
Persephone Persephone is offline
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You know, I thought I was having a pretty good weekend. I mean, yesterday I made my debut as assistant editor of Teemings, and today I've got Fruit Loops, coffee, corn dogs, and the June Bugs Marathon on Cartoon Network. Life was lookin' pretty good.

Then I read this, and now, I suddenly feel so...so...unfulfilled.

I need your address, Scylla, so I can start sending you the bills for my therapy.
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  #24  
Old 06-02-2001, 09:48 AM
magdalene magdalene is offline
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Great. Food Porn. Just what I need on a cold, rainy, crappy, too early Saturday morning.
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  #25  
Old 06-02-2001, 10:42 PM
Scylla Scylla is offline
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Tonight I baked a loaf of homemade Italian sourdough bread. With great anticipation I made a huge sub with onions, horseradish, the whole deal.


It was good, but...


Today the meat was a little dry. A little bit of the flavor was missing.

The magic was gone from my meat.

Damn.
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  #26  
Old 06-02-2001, 10:46 PM
Arden Ranger Arden Ranger is offline
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Karma.

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  #27  
Old 06-02-2001, 10:48 PM
Astroboy14 Astroboy14 is online now
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I have a student who has taken the name "Heaven" as her English name... and yes, she is most edible!

Quote:
The magic was gone from my meat.
And I'll not make any Viagra cracks...
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  #28  
Old 06-02-2001, 11:14 PM
Zenster Zenster is offline
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Ham you all the way to Dell!
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  #29  
Old 06-02-2001, 11:22 PM
Whammo Whammo is offline
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Oh yes, here is the link to the Chair of Ultimate Power thread. I ONLY bring this to your attention because I am of the firm conviction that we ALL need to hate Scylla a little bit more for what he's doing to us. This is more of his "in your face, my stuff is better then you and you should be jealous of me attitude!"

Though I'm happy to hear your meat was dry.

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/...threadid=38475
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  #30  
Old 06-02-2001, 11:42 PM
A Friend of the Devil A Friend of the Devil is offline
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scylla
Tonight I baked a loaf of homemade Italian sourdough bread. With great anticipation I made a huge sub with onions, horseradish, the whole deal.

It was good, but...

Today the meat was a little dry. A little bit of the flavor was missing.

The magic was gone from my meat.

Damn.
These are your just desserts.

It is a dangerous thing to do, to tempt and tease your fellow Dopers like that. I have spoken with a friend of mine, and ensured that true culinary happiness will only be yours when you remember to invite friends over to share.
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