Lately I’ve been trying to come up with similes for how close a game is. “That World Cup final was tighter than spandex on a 350-pound woman.” “It was tighter than the buttocks of a straight man going to jail.”
I’m not terribly creative, so I’m looking for more similes like this. The cruder, the better.
Tighter than a bull’s asshole in fly season.
I had a boss who used to say, “tighter than a twelve year old” when a part went together properly.
Funny thing is, after he had a daughter, he didn’t find that quite so funny anymore.
Tighter than a Jew in a recession?
Tighter than a Kiwi in a sheep?
Tighter than a Scot in a sheep in a recession?
Clam’s ass at high tide.
A Baptist minister’s wife’s girdle at an all you can eat pancake breakfast.
The Irish standard one is ‘tighter than a nun’s gee’.
Please excuse the profanity:
Tighter than a preacher’s dick in a cat’s ass.
Tight as a camel’s arse in a sandstorm.
Tighter than an otter’s pocket
Tighter than Tom Thumb’s ass.
Beat me to it, but I usually use the more streamlined “Tighter’na bull’s ass in fly time.”
And then there’s always Crumb’s Whiteman, whose slogan was “Keep a tight asshole.”
We can share the credit. I’m easy.
The bovine bunghole reminds me of a very similar one-liner: “Redder than a fox’s asshole in berry season.”
So tight you couldn’t drive a 10 penny nail in with a sledghammer.
That was my go-to line for a long time.
Workaholics use the phrase ‘tight butthole’. Finding an image to go along with that brought up some strange pictures. I mean, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I found a lot of weird stuff in the process.
Tighter than two thumbs up a pigs ass.
My Grandfather, trying to get a transmission back on after a rebuild.
Sedro Woolley Wa, circa 1977.
It’s an aside, but one of my favorite “mechanical magic” curses involves trying to start a balky pull-start engine: “Come or bleed, I ain’t gonna spit on you again!”
Tight as a tourniquet. (Dry as a funeral drum.)
Tighter than a duck’s asshole. (Which is of course watertight.)
Tight as Honey Boo Boo’s training bra.
Slightly different meaning of the word, meaning stuck too tight to get apart:
“Tighter than a hair in a biscuit.”