This weekend, I was socializing with some friends and it came out the topic of gun control was raised. Over the next 10 minutes, two friends got into a heated discussion, where the typical “gun grabber vs gun nut” arguments and extremes were tossed at each other, and then later on, each said they couldn’t be friends with the other any longer. (One is a member of the NRA & the other had a cousin who got access to his parents’ guns and accidentally shot and killed himself)
The exchange got a little personal, especially when the pro-gun friend said that if the guns were locked away safely, the tragedy wouldn’t have occurred, but for the most part, it was an argument about the two positions without dragging insults into the matter.
The gun-control advocate said ever since his cousin died, anyone who doesn’t support some form of gun control could not be considered a friend. I found that extreme, but after discussion with others, I discovered that I have a few “single issue” friends, where if you don’t share their viewpoints, they don’t consider you a friend, regardless of any other factor. (For the record, given my background, most deal with gay marriage)
I realized that, while I don’t have a “deal-breaker,” if you don’t believe in evolution, or if you think the earth is really 6,000 years old, I will find it very hard to take you serious in other matters.
Do you have any single issue that could make or break a friendship?
If someone said they disapprove of interracial relationships, they’d be out of my life very quickly.
If they proselytized me more than once.
If they said something outrageous like “If you let me cat sit your pets I would deliberately kill them” or something off-the-wall crazy like that. I’ve actually heard people say things like this.
I have a cousin who is an indefatigable evangelist, but he is also reasonably intelligent. I have taught him not to attempt to convert me, but we still discuss biblical things every once in a while, and he admits that questions I ask him are thought-provoking. We voluntarily get together, not just by force at family events.
I have befriended someone…finally! I have made real-life friends in the past, but back in the long-ago past. Making good friends is a hard thing for me to do. So this is no small feat for me.
But the other day, this friend started ranting about the Israel-Palestinian affair. She was so over-the-top that I just sat there speechless, afraid that whatever I said, we’d have an argument that would rupture our friendship forever. After it was all over, I felt awful about this person and regretted ever getting so close to her.
But then I thought about why I’ve befriended her in the first place. And I remembered that abandoning people at the first sign of disharmony is a habit of mine that I’m trying to break. And THEN she sent me a touching birthday card. No one but my parents has ever sent me a birthday card.
So now I don’t know what to do. I suppose we can have a relationship where we avoid all conversations about Israel. But it’s a huge part of her identity and she’s an obnoxious loudmouth about it. And I don’t think I can ever forget what she said. It was really offensive to me. So I don’t know how to answer your question, OP. I’m hoping someone can give me some useful advice.
Pretty much the above. Any position that would advocate hatred and/or oppression of an arbitrary group would have me thinking hard about whether I’d want to interact with them. Any Biblical literalist, partly because, in my experience, that tends to be pretty much all they want to talk about and partly because they tend to be so misinformed it makes my head hurt. People who feel the need to push a particular political agenda every chance they get, even if I might tend to agree. Anyone in favor of the Designated Hitter rule.
Someone I’ve befriended and become close to over the last year recently took a huge nose-dive in my estimation when she told me that her husband just couldn’t get comfortable with the notion that gay people existed. She laughed it off, as if it was a cute, meaningless little foible of his - but on July 4 I was at their house for a BBQ and he went off on a minor rant that he was OK with gay people existing but “preferred it when they were all in the closet.” I would be more OK with it if this was borne out of a sincere religious conviction or something, but this guy is basically willfully ignorant and stupid and lacking self-awareness, and by association, so became my friend.
I did my best to remain civilized, but my regard and closeness for my friend and her husband has taken a serious nose-dive since then. I will say in their defense they are not utter bigots - his best friend is my neighbor (who is a black man and this couple is white) and that’s how I met this couple. Also my neighbor, who I otherwise like a lot and consider a friend, has similar views about gay people.
It’s not enough to break the friendships by any means, but this is a fundamental civil rights issue IMHO and absent any intelligent or thoughtful reasons for opposing gay rights I have a hard time fully accepting these people as very close friends.
Probably not surprising from my name - evolution. Lots of other things would make me unlikely to be your close friend (racist, gun nut, etc…) - but if you think the universe is only a few thousand years old, forget it, you’re a moron.
My bother-in-law and I have agreed not to discuss Israel/Palestine.
A libertarian friend and I have agreed not to discuss public health care issues.
I had to drop associating with a bloke – damn good friend, too – because he was unwilling to “agree to disagree” about Obama. He’s convinced that Obama is – well, come on, you’ve heard it all before. Socialist, secret Muslim, radical, pals with terrorists, Benghazi, et. etc. We could still be friends if he’d simply let the subject drop, but he couldn’t. He had to bring it up, to the point of obsession, when I was content to let it all go unsaid.
It wasn’t the viewpoint that killed the friendship. It was his unwillingness to refrain from harping on it.
Nah. I’ve been friends with people from all over the political/religious/social map because I don’t feel the need to surround myself only with people who are exactly like me. I may tell you to go fuck yourself or give you the horselaugh because of what you believe. Ending a friendship, though, would have to be based on your deeds not your beliefs. I don’t care, for example, if you hate Canadians. I do care if you foment anti-Canadian violence.
Yes, I’m more forgiving of a Mormon friend who (I assume ) is against gay marriage then I would be if other friends had the same view. He never days anything bad about anyone, and we haven’t discussed that particular issue. Racist positions, on the other hand, would be a disqualifier for anyone.
I don’t have any friends who supported Romney in 2012. That might have been difficult.
Apart from that, we get all kinds here in Thailand. Lately there seems to have been an influx of anti-American Americans. Tea Partiers and other right wingers bemoaning the “fact” that America has been destroyed. Others are the typical loonies – Aids is a Big Pharma scam and other bizarre conspiracies. Once I get to know such views, I’ll back off from their acquaintance. One thing about Thailand, particularly Bangkok, is that farangs (Westerners) often tend to hang around with types they would have nothing to do with back home. Not me though. If I would have nothing to do with you stateside, I’m not having much to do with you here.
Someone who doesn’t know when to keep their mouth shut. I don’t care what any of my friends believe, not even with regard to issues that I am passionate about (gay rights, racism). But if they can’t agree to disagree and stop mouthing off about it around me, then I’ll stop coming around.
Growing up in the liberal areligious branch of a conservative Baptist family, I learned to compartmentalize early on. I can accept people from pretty much any political ideology, but not if they want to talk about politics all the time. I don’t even like to talk about politics with people who *agree *with me more than once or twice a month.
I think I’m pretty tolerant of others but I know of some cases when certain persons who were IMO, close minded liberals, found I was a conservative Christian they quickly gave me the cold shoulder even if I never brought up any religious or political issues. I think they just assumed I held certain views even without asking what I really felt. Yeah, I hold views on gay rights, abortion and other issues we would probably disagree with but what the heck does it matter if I dont talk about it? Cant we just talk about our kids or the weather or sports?
Personally, I’m at the point in my life that I never bring up politics, religion, or any other controversial issues anymore except right here on discussion boards.
Why don’t you just be honest ? Tell your friend that you know the issue is important to her but that you disagree with some of her beliefs on the issue. Tell her you value her friendship and don’t want a disagreement about a policy issue that neither of you can do anything about cause a problem.
In other words, agree to disagree and drop it.
If she wants to rant about it, tell her that it is a complex situation and, hey, did you watch <insert lame t.v. show here>.
One of the reasons my best friend is my best friend is because we disagree on such key topics.
For instance, he’s a “Gun Nut” and I’m a “Gun Grabber”. I love the fact that we can have such spirited debates and in the end still be the best of friends.
I remember one time, it was me, my friend and his new girlfriend sitting at the table having a conversation. The new GF mentioned something about children. Which got me and my friend debating on what constitutes a good child and what constitutes a bad child. During our (short) debate a couple of "fuck you"s got thrown around. This is par for the course for us.
After we were done, my friends GF speaks up and says: “I’m sorry guys, I didn’t mean to get you all in an argument.”
My friend and I just looked at each other as in “What the hell is she talking about?” (He then reassured her we weren’t really mad at each other.)
Also, I’m an unapologetic lefty living in Texas. So I guess I’ve had a lot of practice getting along with people I don’t agree with.
There’s disagreeing on topics and then there’s assholes. I can do the former as friends (Why, I even remain friends with people who think the Enterprise could take down a Star Destroyer!) but the latter? Nope.