So there is a girl I was talking to a bit on a dating site, and I started feeling like she was just using me as her backup. We would talk and she would disappear for a week or two, then write me on saturday night (like all her other options had fallen through). After the second time she disappeared for a while I gave her my number and told her to text me instead.
So a few weeks after that I get a text from her asking if I want to talk and hang out. The whole thing strikes me as ‘I couldn’t find anyone better, so here I am until someone better comes along’. Very demoralizing.
What are signs other people have run into that they are being kept as the backup? I’d rather not date at all than put up with that shit.
My attitude is that it’s just dating. Who gives a shit? I’d meet up with her, see if we clicked, and if not, move on. I mean, why not? Who cares if you’re the backup? You got called up, give it a shot.
I had a girlfriend in college that used to do that. We’d do something Monday, I couldn’t get in touch with her for almost a week and then we’d do something on Sunday. So yeah, I worried I was the “backup.” I eventually confronted her about it after she got off work and it turns out that she was doing it to all of her friends too. One of them had the same idea and was already waiting to yell at her for ditching her all Summer.
I wasn’t the backup, she was just a hermit. And it took everyone she knew a long time to figure that out. Years later, I ran into her and she even apologized.
Pretty much. And judging from the OP, it sounds like they haven’t been on a first date yet. I’d get annoyed after a couple dates with that behavior, but for a first date? I personally wouldn’t worry about not being Option A at this stage.
To the OP: Have you actually tried to make plans before? It’s kind of unclear. Have you actually met her in person or has this just been all emails and messages so far?
Here’s what you do, email her and say “I’m free next Tuesday and Saturday (or whatever your next few free days are), can we meet for a drink one of those nights?” and just leave the email at that. She’ll either agree to it (even if she gives you alternate dates, at least it’s in the works) or she’ll decline with some kind of excuse. If she declines for any reason, whether it’s “no those days don’t work for me (without offering days that do)” or “I’m not quite ready to meet yet” or emails you something that has nothing to do with meeting you (which is just stringing you along and keeping you as a backup)…basically, anything she says that isn’t a yes, reply with ‘let me know when you’re ready to meet’ and write her off.
That puts the ball in her court, move on, find someone else. If she does want to meet you, she’ll set up a date, if she’s truly just not ready or too flaky you need to move on. If she’s just stringing you along or keeping you as a backup, then move along, write her off, forget about her and maybe someday she’ll show back up.
I’ve had that happen once or twice, I was quite obviously the ‘back up’ and a few weeks or months later I ended up meeting the person. Don’t forget, when you’re on a dating site, everyone is there to get dates so it’s not fair to be mad at someone for dating other people. Sometimes you have to keep your jealousy in check. One girl even came right out and said that she was talking to someone else and had to see where it went (when she showed back up after disappearing for a few weeks). Telling me that she only wanted to talk to/date one person at a time is nice because it means while we were talking she wasn’t also juggling 2 or 3 other guys. So look at it that way also, when it’s ‘your turn’ she’s probably ignoring all the other emails.
And, as everyone else said, it’s a buyer’s (women’s) market on those sites, you have to accept that and work with it and know that most of your emails will go unanswered since for every email you send to a girl, she probably got 15 more just like it on that same night.
You’ve been talking to her for several weeks and haven’t asked her out? You are doing online dating wrong. Online dating is about providing introductions, not an actual platform for the dating itself. You should be moving towards meet up after the first few messages establish mutual interest.
Anyway, you guys are not dating-- you haven’t even met- so you can’t expect to be her number one anything. Yes, she has a list and is seeing other guys, and may concentrate on some of them for some periods of time. That’s fine. That’s how online dating works. Everyone has a list. You aren’t supposed to just glom on to whoever you see first.
Online daters typically have a lot of balls in their air at different stages. And that’s fine. A little competition in the early stages doesn’t hurt you, and is actually a good way to make sure you guys are actually a good match.
Candidates have multiple applications out at different stages, and desirable candidates are going to be applying, interviewing and getting offers from any number of firms. Before you invite them to an interview, you’d never expect them to hold off their job search just for you. People don’t drop off one application and then wait to hear back before applying for the next one.
But after the interview you’d expect them to be upfront about other prospects and how serious they are about you.
And in the end, the competition is good. A candidate with multiple offers who actively chooses yours is more likely to be a good fit than the candidate that only applied to one place. Looking widely and having lots of candidates on both ends is a good way to make sure you guys are actually the best match.
Decision cycle, she won’t commit to a meet up, time between communications (text,email,phone). Most girls that are looking will commit to locking you down, any that don’t are not really worth pursuing beyond the flake barrier.
Yeah, even sven put it pretty succinctly, and that’s kind of what I was wondering about in posting my questions. If the OP hasn’t actually asked her out to meet yet, then I don’t know what the complaint is. If the OP had asked a couple times, and she’s dropped him last minute several times, then I could see a certain level of annoyance. But my philosophy for an online dating cycle (and it’s worked fine for me, as a guy) is make initial contact, email maybe a couple times, and then meet. I had no problems getting dates with this approach, and I’m a pretty average guy (bald, even). Once communication has been established, and seems to be going well, an attempt at a first meeting should be made within a week or possibly two, depending on schedules. I think my now-wife was a little annoyed at me that it took me about three or four emails before we finally firmed up some time and place to meet.