So, you’re chilling out in the Middle Ages circa 1300 when you accidentally seduce the favourite wench of a Teutonic Knight (or, if you’re a girl, you wear your “I love paganism!” t-shirt).
Now you’re in some deep midden waste. Forgot romantic notions of chivalry, brutal death is his business and you’ve pissed him off enough that he will kill you if not stopped. From across an empty field, he comes at you unarmed, unarmored and dismounted but will wring any of our necks like a chicken. Don’t bother running, you’ll only die tired.
But help is at hand. I can drop a weapon out of the timestream for you to defend yourself with. The bad news is, it has to be *roughly *contemporaneous time and place wise so I don’t have problems with archaeologists digging up a 14th century Saiga shotgun. If you choose a ranged weapon you’ll get one shot to go with it.
What do you pick and how screwed are you? Nicked the weapons from Chivalry: Medieval Warfare, because I’m a lazy, lazy man.
Well, you see… I wouldn’t be hanging out in 1300 without having brought one of my AR-15s and 1,000 rounds of ammo, and my Beretta 92FS with a goodly amount of ammo.
Through examining the timeline I’ve seen that our modern firelocks would prevail in this encounter, but you are ambushed, clobbered over the head then burnt as a witch before you make it back to the DeLorean. Naturally we cannot allow such a possibility, so I’m afraid we’re stuck with ye olde medievale weapons.
Shortsword. I’m not sure how maneuverable the other longer swords are compared to fencing swords. I have fenced enough that I have a semblance of muscle memory in how to thrust right into the torso that I’d have a chance as long as the weapon isn’t unwieldy enough that they’d be able to avoid the thrust.
ETA: plus it would be more useful if the knight did manage to close in on me.
Warhammer. With nearly any weapon vs a trained knight I probably only have one or two shots, if any, and a good solid hit with a big ass hammer has a much better chance at doing some damage in my untrained hands than a bladed weapon.
Shortspear: I need as much of an advantage when it comes to speed as I can get, so using both hands on something lightweight sounds like a plan: figure it’ll be like getting stabby with a knife, except with (a) just a little more reach, and (b) again, the whole two-handed thing.
Longbow please. I’m actually fairly proficient with a bow, and there is no way I’m letting him get within grappling range. I figure I can taunt him into incoherent rage at a distance, then skewer his smelly ass at about 30 yards or so.
Without my boomstick (S-mart’s top of the line, doncha know), I guess I’d go for a longsword. My first impulse was for one of the big goofy polearms so I’d have the advantage of reach, but those things were horribly unwieldy unless you were using them as ISTR they were intended–as part of an infantry formation. (They were unwieldy then, too, but maneuverability wasn’t a needed trait.) So if it’s not going to be one of those, I’m just going for simple.
Bow was a thought for a moment–I could wait long enough to make it a pretty sure thing, but I’m still just sort of imagining him still coming at me after a less than lethal hit. Hadn’t realized crossbow was on there. If it arrives pre-cocked, it’s another solid contender; if you have to cock it yourself, chances are quite good Sir Brutal will be clobbering me before I’m even close to having it ready.
Crossbow with 1 bolt. He is stronger, faster, in better condition and with more skill than I have. I’m screwed because I have no experience with any of these weapons other than waving a few swords around and once playing with a crossbow. Anyone can use a crossbow with a few minutes training. So I load it up and close the distance to about 5 feet and let rip to the chest and hope it kills him by piercing the armor, parry with what is left of the weapon, but probably die. At least I had a shot.
I said warhammer, as I don’t trust one shot and am assuming plate armor. It smashes but it’s lighter than a maul, where I’d be more screwed. Maybe the buckler or heater. I’m probably dead either way though.
Can I pick smallpox?
You know how there’s that (false) myth that knights were too heavy to get on a horse so they needed a winch? Well that’s you!
Not really, but 1000 5.56 + 500 9mm = 40 lbs,
7.18 lb M-16 + 2.1 92FS,
10x 30rd + 10x 15rd mags = 2.5 + 2* (Average of comparable models, couldn’t find Beretta)
= 53.78 pounds more or less
720 rds. 5.56 x 34 mm fits into an ammo can, and comes with bandoliers, cardboard inserts, stripper clips, and clip guides. Easy enough to carry in the bandoliers. Don’t need to carry that many magazines.
For pretty much the same reasons, I’ll take a shortbow, as I’m not confident I could draw a ‘real’ English longbow. But any sort of bow ought to do it; I’m confident I could hit him from short range, and since he’s unarmored a single arrow ought to do the trick.
And if the shot doesn’t kill him outright, then I can beat the crap out of him with the bow until he bleeds out
He’s unarmed and unarmored per the OP. I’ve probably got a weight/strength advantage on him, so I want something that doesn’t take a lot of skill to use. Shortsword or even a dagger should do the trick.
The OP says he is unarmed and unarmored, so I chose a thrusting dagger. My plan is to keep it concealed and let him come in close. Maybe he raises his arm to club me, or even tries to wrap me up. No armor? He’s just a human. Thrust thrust.
I picked the crossbow. I can shoot a (modern) crossbow fairly well and think I could hit him in a vital area if I had the patience to wait for a close shot. I don’t know how hard medieval crossbows were to operate or how accurate they were but I assume they should be good enough once he gets in the range that the other weapons require (except for the longbow).
Rather than deal with an unfamiliar weapon, I’ll stick to unarmed. I could pick a dagger, but he’s probably used to knife fights since nearly everyone carried at least an eating knife. I could pick a longsword or similar because it’s kind of close to what I’m used to using from kenjutsu, but I’d honestly need more than a second or two (which is all I’ve got) to get used to the reach and balance.
With weapons, he’s got a decent chance of disarming me and using the weapon — which he is undoubtedly familiar with — against me instead. Unarmed, I’m not distracted, and most of my martial arts training focused on that, with weapons work layered on later. I guess we’ll find out just how good European unarmed wrestling is against old-style Japanese fighting techniques.
Killing people with French accents? Maybe they weren’t as uncivilised as we thought (just kidding French peeps).
Strength advantage? Unless you’re a seriously beefy dude (and if you are, please take no offence), I doubt it. In an age of extreme physical hardship they were known as excellent athletes. As a knight had to be ready for war at any time keeping in peak condition through sparring, wrestling and tourneys were common as were other exercises for a knight; “Now cased in armour, he would practise leaping on to the back of a horse; anon, to accustom himself to become long-winded and enduring, he would walk and run long distances on foot, or he would practise striking numerous and forcible blows with a battle-axe or mallet. In order to accustom himself to the weight of his armour, he would turn somersaults whilst clad in a complete suit of mail, with the exception of his helmet, or would dance vigorously in a shirt of steel.”
That’s the problem with time-travellers these days, get one whiff of 23rd century replicators and you want everything done for you! You get the crossbow and bolt separately, you’ll have to load and shoot.
