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  #1  
Old 06-01-2016, 12:40 AM
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How do you cope with losing everything


I'm just struggling a little with how to cope at the moment. I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything but i'm picking he wants to break up, he's been really quiet this week, ignoring most my messages then said he wants to "chill on his own this week". I know hes not cheating. My problem is I simply can't work out what meaning my life has without him. He is my entire world and without him i don't want a world.

Whenever i think about losing him i break down in tears and just can't seem to cope, and I am not they crying type. I have some good friends but I don't want to talk to any of them about it.

The only person that makes me feel better when I'm sad is him, once he is gone I have nothing and no one.

I guess I'm just lost and don't know where to turn.
  #2  
Old 06-01-2016, 01:00 AM
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Welcome to the SDMB, forinternetuse.

Please note that we do not allow cross-posting here. I have closed your other thread as it was a duplicate of this one.

The correct forum for threads seeking advice and opinions is our In My Humble Opinion forum. I will move this thread there for you.

Moving thread from MPSIMS to IMHO.
  #3  
Old 06-01-2016, 01:01 AM
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When your older you'll laugh at this post. Let time handle this.
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Old 06-01-2016, 01:16 AM
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When your older you'll laugh at this post. Let time handle this.
This ^^^

This fellow is not 'everything' and your life is not meaningless without him. You managed to survive until the time you met him perfectly well, and will continue to do so when he disappears from your life.

Just for the record, how old are you?
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Old 06-01-2016, 01:17 AM
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Your're going through one of life's most painful experiences, the loss of a love, one that really does make people wonder whether there's a point to life. But you can get through it and hopefully will find that you're smarter and stronger than before, that you're tough and resilient. I've been through it and know how excruciating it can be, and you have all my sympathy, but like many challenging events it's also a real opportunity to grow.

Here are links to a couple of books that may help:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/07...SEP4W7VF9FPN5H

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/05...SEP4W7VF9FPN5H

Good luck and stay strong!

Last edited by gkster; 06-01-2016 at 01:18 AM.
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Old 06-01-2016, 01:18 AM
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I'm 29 and unfortunatly not laughing.
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Old 06-01-2016, 01:25 AM
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You're 29???? I suggest you find a counsellor to help you with your issues then. The SDMB is not the forum for personal advice, and might I suggest some of the 'advice' you'll get, you won't like.

Just sayin'.
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Old 06-01-2016, 01:34 AM
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I'm just struggling a little with how to cope at the moment. I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything but i'm picking he wants to break up, he's been really quiet this week, ignoring most my messages then said he wants to "chill on his own this week". I know hes not cheating.
Some people need some time and space to themselves. It doesn't rule out the possibility that he's a shit, but it might all be perfectly normal.

Quote:
My problem is I simply can't work out what meaning my life has without him. He is my entire world and without him i don't want a world.
That's not normal. I mean, it sounds lovely and romantic, sorta, but it also sounds maybe a bit clingy-psycho. I have no idea what you're like in real life of course, so only have your words here from which to leap to a conclusion, perhaps the wrong one, but being clingy could be making him want his time and space alone all the more.

Quote:
Whenever i think about losing him i break down in tears and just can't seem to cope, and I am not they crying type. I have some good friends but I don't want to talk to any of them about it.
So talk to them about some other stuff. Spend some time with your friends doing other things - it will make you more resilient if he leaves, or it will make your relationship more stable and normal if he stays. Win/win.
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Old 06-01-2016, 01:52 AM
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You're 29???? I suggest you find a counsellor to help you with your issues then.
Agreed; the description in the OP goes beyond anything healthy. Professional help would be a very, very good idea.

Quote:
The SDMB is not the forum for personal advice, and might I suggest some of the 'advice' you'll get, you won't like.

Just sayin'.
Alas, true. We're the sort who would criticize the grammar on someone's ransom note.
  #10  
Old 06-01-2016, 02:01 AM
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Alas, true. We're the sort who would criticize the grammar on someone's ransom note.
Sad innit?
  #11  
Old 06-01-2016, 03:02 AM
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So, you can't live without him but you don't even live together?

I think the problem may be that he's not in the same relationship you think you're in.

(Note: I have no problem with people who love each other deeply but choose not to share a home - it can be a sign of maturity and independence. I don't think that applies to the OP, though).
  #12  
Old 06-01-2016, 03:13 AM
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My friends say I'm too literal. I thought that this was going to be a thread about someone who lost literally everything. Another great disappointment.
  #13  
Old 06-01-2016, 03:32 AM
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I'm 29 and unfortunatly not laughing.
It's not a funny situation and heartbreak at any age is really difficult to deal with.

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Originally Posted by Mangetout View Post
Some people need some time and space to themselves. It doesn't rule out the possibility that he's a shit, but it might all be perfectly normal.
And he might not be a shit at all, yet still not interested in continuing a relationship with you. Someone deciding that a relationship isn't working for them doesn't diminish them as a person or make them a shit, it just means they're not the right person for you, no matter how differently you feel about the same relationship. Though, it is kind of shitty if he's decided this and is avoiding telling you.

You can't tie your purpose of being to anyone. You have to be at least content with yourself, by yourself. You should strive to be happy with yourself, by yourself. Either way, if you can't exist without a romantic partner, you'll never be a truly independent person.

You're probably not wrong about your hunch. It's not unreasonable to confront the guy over it and ignoring things isn't going to help. It's very likely that this relationship is over. You really don't have any control over that. What you do have control over is how you handle it. If it's over, you're not losing everything. It's the end of a relationship with someone you love and that's really fucking hard to deal with, but it is not the loss of everything unless you don't value your self at all.

Best wishes.
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Old 06-01-2016, 05:05 AM
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"Just struggling a little...", doesn't AT ALL jive with your whole, "this relationship is my whole world" line.

When you say you have nothing and no one, do you mean you have no siblings, best friend, workmates, parents, pastor ? Because almost anyone, who actually knows you, would surely be a better place to seek help than perfect strangers on the web!

If you're this distraught, over a 'potential' breakup, at 29yrs of age, you can very likely benefit from some counselling. There are a lot of services available, just look them up for your area.

It's really not a good sign to be seeing the world in such black and white terms, to feel you have 'nothing, no one', because you 'suspect' a breakup is in the offing. If you were a teen, maybe, but you're a grown adult. To think 'he's the only one', that can help when you're sad sounds incredibly immature for an almost thirty year old. But most telling of all, a few cryptic paragraphs, mostly exaggeration and drama, seeking 'help' from strangers on line, kinda screams you could actually use some real help.

Talk to someone you know and trust, see your pastor, or a therapist if you're actually looking to get beyond your distress. It could prove a great benefit to you, please consider it seriously!

Good Luck!
  #15  
Old 06-01-2016, 07:34 AM
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My friends say I'm too literal. I thought that this was going to be a thread about someone who lost literally everything. Another great disappointment.
As someone who has literally lost everything (house flooded with 6 feet water for 4 days), I opened this to post
"You deal with it just like you dealt with things when you still had everything you lost, except you don't have any of that stuff anymore."

But, upon reading the OP, I am a little surprised. On reflection, I guess I'd give the same answer. Buck up. Handle the next thing life throws at you. Actually, per the OP, it isn't even known that the relationship is over.

So, first, confront the situation head-on. What you are doing is self-destructive, since you don't really know if you have anything to be concerned about. Your emotions show, so your concern could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Second, become independent. Stop believing that you can only be happy with this guy. There are a lot of people out there an you can be happy with a great many of them.

Third (and, perhaps, most important), remember that you make your own happiness. This guy doesn't make you happy (see what he is doing to you now?). You are happy with the thought of you two together because you have convinced yourself of it. You had happy times before you even knew this guy existed, and you can be happy without him. It's your choice.
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Old 06-01-2016, 07:41 AM
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I'm just struggling a little with how to cope at the moment. I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything but i'm picking he wants to break up, he's been really quiet this week, ignoring most my messages then said he wants to "chill on his own this week". I know hes not cheating. My problem is I simply can't work out what meaning my life has without him. He is my entire world and without him i don't want a world.

Whenever i think about losing him i break down in tears and just can't seem to cope, and I am not they crying type. I have some good friends but I don't want to talk to any of them about it.

The only person that makes me feel better when I'm sad is him, once he is gone I have nothing and no one.

I guess I'm just lost and don't know where to turn.
This is a very unhealthy relationship, you should not feel like this about anyone. If he does end up leaving he will be doing you a favor. Focus on yourself for a while, make a life you are happy with that doesn't rely on someone else. Then find a relationship that complements your already happy life, not one that is the only reason you live for. You are putting an incredible burden on someone and it will eventually drive anyone you try to have a relationship with away if you can't get it under control.
  #17  
Old 06-01-2016, 09:17 AM
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Try and overcome the "not wanting to talk with friends" bit and lean on them a little. The good ones will help you through it, the bad ones aren't worth your friendship anyway.

I'm only a year older than you and had some pretty bad breakups too, so I think I can feel your pain better than most on this board.

PM me if need to.
  #18  
Old 06-01-2016, 09:29 AM
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I thought this thread was going to be about actually losing everything.

Losing your job, realizing that your skill set is hopelessly patchy and irrelevant to the real world, and that you're now completely unemployable. And you're too old to start over from scratch.

Your spouse leaves you. You get scared, retreat into your shell, and turn to alcohol and drugs to forget your problems. At one point, you get into a bar fight, and end up in jail. Now you have a criminal record and a giant hole in your resume, making everything that much worse. You spend the rest of your savings, and get kicked out of your apartment. Your friends want to help you, but there's not much they can do, and after you've sponged off them and lived on their couch for six months, they've had enough, Now you're on the street.

Then, the next week, your parents die and you're diagnosed with cancer.

OP, what you have there is a breakup. It can suck a bit, but your life isn't going to end. We can have a thread about that, that's fine, but you're not losing everything. You might want to contact a mod about changing your thread title.

Last edited by Don't Panic; 06-01-2016 at 09:32 AM.
  #19  
Old 06-01-2016, 11:11 AM
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I'd recommend to the OP to get out of your relationship. You need to discover who YOU are. What makes you tick, what makes you happy about yourself.

Before you can truly be in a healthy loving relationship with someone else, you need to be able to love yourself, be happy with yourself, know yourself.
  #20  
Old 06-01-2016, 11:45 AM
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I'd recommend to the OP to get out of your relationship. You need to discover who YOU are. What makes you tick, what makes you happy about yourself.

Before you can truly be in a healthy loving relationship with someone else, you need to be able to love yourself, be happy with yourself, know yourself.
Damn good advice. You need to make sure you don't lose your self (your "self", not "yourself") in a relationship.
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Old 06-01-2016, 12:05 PM
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How do you cope with losing everything[?]...


First and foremost, don't lose heart....

.... they might want to cut it out....

....and they'll want to avoid a lengthy search.

Last edited by QuickSilver; 06-01-2016 at 12:05 PM.
  #22  
Old 06-01-2016, 12:50 PM
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I'd recommend to the OP to get out of your relationship. You need to discover who YOU are. What makes you tick, what makes you happy about yourself.

Before you can truly be in a healthy loving relationship with someone else, you need to be able to love yourself, be happy with yourself, know yourself.
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Damn good advice. You need to make sure you don't lose your self (your "self", not "yourself") in a relationship.
In OPs defense, this is WAY easier said than done.

There are a million viable things that make someone happy, but none of them practical or achievable. And it's not like you can go 30 years of your life and then magically discover "who you are". Yes it has happened to people and I'm sure that there are those on this board who can attest to that, but she isn't in high school or even college anymore. At this point she is who she is and it will take a massive act to change that.
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Old 06-01-2016, 12:54 PM
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Have you been spending every free moment with him? If so give him some space, many people need time to themselves sometimes.
  #24  
Old 06-01-2016, 12:57 PM
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My problem is I simply can't work out what meaning my life has without him. He is my entire world and without him i don't want a world.
If you were religious, I might point out that this is idolatry: putting another thing or person in the position of God.

Even if you aren't religious: the healthiest relationships are those between people who have meaning, purpose, and value to their lives besides what they get from the other person.

So, whether you stay together or not, working out what meaning your life has would make a good Quest at this point in your life.
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Old 06-01-2016, 01:28 PM
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If you have a consistent problem with losing yourself in relationships, you might want to see a therapist.

You might also want to see if this seems to apply to you: http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/

If it does, here's an organization that might help you: http://coda.org/

I know how painful the experience of getting lost in a relationship and then losing the relationship can be. I'm so sorry it happened to you!

Sending healing vibes your way.

Last edited by Scribble; 06-01-2016 at 01:29 PM.
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Old 06-01-2016, 02:03 PM
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Uh, I think people are jumping the gun a bit with "seek professional help" advice.


Just know that it DOES get better. You won't feel like this forever. That tid-bit of information does fuck all for you now. But at least it's nice knowing there's light at the end of the tunnel.
  #27  
Old 06-01-2016, 02:05 PM
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Uh, I think people are jumping the gun a bit with "seek professional help" advice.
Welcome to the Dope!
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Old 06-01-2016, 02:12 PM
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Drink.
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Old 06-01-2016, 02:17 PM
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Get a puppy.
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Old 06-01-2016, 02:20 PM
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Get a drunken puppy.
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  #31  
Old 06-01-2016, 02:23 PM
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We're the sort who would criticize the grammar on someone's ransom note.
Yeah, but don't worry. We also have plenty of descriptivists on here who will weigh in with a sledgehammer to explain why the grammar nazis are clueless prescriptivists. After we've explained how they're wrong, you'll get your thread back on page 17.
  #32  
Old 06-01-2016, 02:24 PM
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Uh, I think people are jumping the gun a bit with "seek professional help" advice.


Just know that it DOES get better. You won't feel like this forever. That tid-bit of information does fuck all for you now. But at least it's nice knowing there's light at the end of the tunnel.
The OP does need professional help, but not because they're dependent on a boyfriend.
  #33  
Old 06-01-2016, 03:21 PM
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The OP does need professional help, but not because they're dependent on a boyfriend.
Yeah, they need to see a dentist. It's recommended that you get a check-up once every year. You want to catch those cavities early.

OP, how long since you last visited a dentist?

Also, a car mechanic. The OP's car is making strange noises. So, get that looked at, too.
  #34  
Old 06-01-2016, 03:25 PM
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In OPs defense, this is WAY easier said than done.

There are a million viable things that make someone happy, but none of them practical or achievable. And it's not like you can go 30 years of your life and then magically discover "who you are". Yes it has happened to people and I'm sure that there are those on this board who can attest to that, but she isn't in high school or even college anymore. At this point she is who she is and it will take a massive act to change that.
If a person's happiness and self worth is based upon a co-dependent relationship, then they shouldn't be in one.
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Old 06-01-2016, 03:39 PM
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If a person's happiness and self worth is based upon a co-dependent relationship, then they shouldn't be in one.
But what if that's what makes them happy?
  #36  
Old 06-01-2016, 04:20 PM
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But what if that's what makes them happy?
Well as evidenced by the OP, one possible reason for her boyfriend's withdrawal, may be her co-dependence upon him.
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Old 06-01-2016, 05:29 PM
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I lost the love of my life and almost everything else in my mid-sixties to an unexpected and unwanted divorce. I found a lot of support on the SDMB but in the end it was up to me to survive and I have done that. Losing a love hurts; it hurts a lot and all I can really say is that there is life on the other side. You have to find it though and it isn't always easy. Friends and family can help but they can't solve all your problems; it's up to you. You have my best wishes; keep your chin up.
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Old 06-01-2016, 05:59 PM
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List of things that will not happen to the OP as a result of this conundrum:

- Death.
- Long-term damage, mental or physical.
- Any kind of material or financial distress.

Things that will happen to the OP:

- Feeling bad for a while.
- Getting over it.
- Finding a new boyfriend.

She'll be OK.
  #39  
Old 06-01-2016, 11:37 PM
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List of things that will not happen to the OP as a result of this conundrum:

- Death.
- Long-term damage, mental or physical.
- Any kind of material or financial distress.

Things that will happen to the OP:

- Feeling bad for a while.
- Getting over it.
- Finding a new boyfriend.

She'll be OK.
Yeah, OK. So, maybe the OP's just feeling kind of down at the moment and posted here for support. None of us (or most of us, at any rate) don't know any more about the OP's emotional or mental state than what he or she has posted so far.

But seeing a therapist is still a good idea. Therapists can help people get over breakups more quickly. And if the OP has any dysfunctional relationship patterns, a good therapist can help the OP see and maybe change them.
  #40  
Old 06-02-2016, 12:59 AM
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And he might not be a shit at all, yet still not interested in continuing a relationship with you. Someone deciding that a relationship isn't working for them doesn't diminish them as a person or make them a shit, it just means they're not the right person for you, no matter how differently you feel about the same relationship. Though, it is kind of shitty if he's decided this and is avoiding telling you.
True. I certainly didn't mean to rule that out.
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Old 06-02-2016, 01:25 AM
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True. I certainly didn't mean to rule that out.
And I wasn't trying to be overly critical of you either. It's a natural response when talking to someone about this kind of thing when they're being hurt by someone else. Empathetic defense mechanism, I guess.

I just wanted to point out that in many cases, there is no blame for the end of a relationship and being spiteful about it is never productive, in any case. Absolutely no offense intended to you, Mangetout.
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Old 06-02-2016, 01:30 AM
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No problem - I appreciated your input/expansion.
  #43  
Old 06-02-2016, 07:28 AM
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But seeing a therapist is still a good idea. Therapists can help people get over breakups more quickly. And if the OP has any dysfunctional relationship patterns, a good therapist can help the OP see and maybe change them.
Seeing a therapist is also expensive, time-consuming, and might not help anyway.

Seeing someone is a good option for many, and when things reach a certain point, but I don't believe that anytime someone feels hopeless that the answer lies in "see a therapist".

The best responses so far have been "give it time, keep your chin up, focus your energy somewhere else".
  #44  
Old 06-02-2016, 08:15 AM
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Well as evidenced by the OP, one possible reason for her boyfriend's withdrawal, may be her co-dependence upon him.
It doesn't really seem to be CO-dependence; just plain ol' dependence. The boyfriend, who wants to "chill on his own this week", seems perfectly fine getting along without the OP.

I suspect the relationship might have a chance if the OP would be able to give her boyfriend some space. But she mentions that he's ignoring most of her messages, and I'm guessing there's been a lot of those.

Clingy, weepy girlfriend whose world falls apart at the hint of spending any moments apart from each other is not the sort of thing that guys who're interested in doing stuff on their own will stick around for. I expect the last we'll hear of the OP's boyfriend is reports of him running off screaming into the night.
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Old 06-02-2016, 12:07 PM
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People are not possessions. Changing or ending your relationship is not "losing everything". It's letting an adult you supposedly care about make decisions for themselves.

Have you ever broken up with anybody before? It's not the end of the world. Nor, I should point out, is wanting to spend some time alone a sign that a relationship is ending. He may just want to chill on his own this week. Don't worry too much about it. If he is actually breaking up with you, don't worry too much about that either. Life goes on, the sun still comes up, et cetera.
  #46  
Old 06-02-2016, 06:10 PM
Magiver is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Grrr! View Post
Uh, I think people are jumping the gun a bit with "seek professional help" advice.
The op has put all her chips on one number and has invited the internet to guess the odds.

Even if her current love stays with her that level of emotional dependency is not rational or healthy and has consequences that could best be handled by someone trained to do so. The SDMB is not that someone.
  #47  
Old 06-02-2016, 08:16 PM
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Also, the OP did seek counseling...just from one of the worst possible places, an anonymous general-discussion internet BBS group.

The OP had the wisdom to seek help. We're just advising them to seek competent help.
  #48  
Old 06-02-2016, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Trinopus View Post
Also, the OP did seek counseling...just from one of the worst possible places, an anonymous general-discussion internet BBS group.
And of all the anonymous general-discussion internet BBS groups in the all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into this one.
  #49  
Old 06-02-2016, 08:32 PM
Emtar KronJonDerSohn is offline
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I remember the one time I got dumped. In retrospect I was smothering her and although her motives were likely not benevolent, she did me a really huge favor by kicking me to the curb. If I ran into her at Costco or something I'd probably thank her if I weren't too embarrassed to face her. Which I would be, because I was fucking pathetic. That one time.
  #50  
Old 06-03-2016, 02:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Channing Idaho Banks View Post
My friends say I'm too literal. I thought that this was going to be a thread about someone who lost literally everything. Another great disappointment.

I actually did lose everything at one point in my life and thought that was what this was going to be about too. I rushed in with life experience and kleenex.

Then I see it's an overly dramatic title about a break-up.
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